To be considering leaving my depressed husband?

[HalterBeck]

I know I made vows for better or for worse, sickness and in health etc.. but I'm finding it so hard to deal with. I fantasise all the time about just leaving with DC and having a place of our own without the moodiness and "down" atmosphere all the time.

Sometimes hes okay and we get on and then others he's just miserable and I feel on egg shells.

We've spoken a lot about it recently and he's agreed to go and see the GP and has an appointment soon. But I just don't trust that he'll actually do what they tell him to.

I don't know how long I can stick by and be supportive and I feel awful about it.

When is it acceptable to put my own happiness first? DC adore him and he does try to keep it away from them as much as he can but it makes it so tense between us. Sometimes hes so nasty and then other times he's just down. I never know what to do or how to deal with it.

If you take depression out of the equation, this sounds a lot like an abusive relationship to me. Making you feel like you’re walking on eggshells in your own home, being cruel to you and calling you useless, and not participating in family life.

And I don’t think anyone should have to tolerate abuse in a relationship, for any period of time or for any reason.

YANBU - but rather than just leaving I feel it is worth discussing how you feel with him - in a proper formal way - that you are thinking of leaving and he needs to make more effort now. He has agreed he has a problem and is willing to get help which is progress - how about he tries to get an appointment before mid-March (that sounds ridiculous) and what about therapy in the mean-time. GP will prescribe medication and/or refer for therapy but the wait will be long. He should look into private therapy - if money is tight there are charities and low cost options. It would be a shame to take the drastic step of leaving which might see him spiral downwards. This does need to be him taking these steps though.

@CallMeDaddy58

I’m really shocked by the responses here. I feel they would be a lot different if the tables were turned. Men’s mental health is never taken seriously and it’s threads like this that really highlight it.

If he was in a terrible car crash which left him physically disabled would you leave him? Or is it not ok to leave someone whose physically ill, only mentally ill?

As for the comments about diet and exercise…Jesus Christ can we stop playing that old tune. Most depressed people need medication/therapy before they can even begin to think about diet and exercise. It most certainly isn’t a cure.

I think it’s only fair to wait until he’s seen his GP and is undergoing some sort of treatment and then see where things are. Righting him off as “he probably won’t even take the GPS advice anyway” is very unfair.

When your DC are old enough (if they aren’t already) to ask in-depth why their parents aren’t together are you honestly going to say “your Dad had depression and it was bumming me out so I left him”. How does that look to your DC? How would they then feel if they every have mental health issues? Like a burden I’m guessing. Like they couldn’t tell you about it. Would you be understanding if their partners left them when they were struggling with mental health issues?

If he doesn’t get help, by all means put down an ultimatum, but at least give the bloke a chance. It’s been a rough 2 years.

I agree @CallMeDaddy58
People are quick to leave over anything. In reality, it's either not possible or something all parties will bitterly regret.

Very premature move to leave because of this, and I hate to say it, but his points about not being supportive could be valid if you're not willing to talk about things anymore and are prepared to leave without giving a chance (or even ultimatum).

*One thing that's really getting to me, which may be unfair, is that I feel like we have no family time. We are not making any happy family memories for our DC. Everything I do with the kids is by myself or with family / friends because he's too miserable to come and even pretend that he's enjoying spending time with us.
*
A divorce won't get anymore family time. Leaving isn't the only option, especially if you want more time as a family.

Mid March is useless. Call the surgery and ask for an urgent appointment and tell your DH that getting treatment is non negotiable.

@CallMeDaddy58

I’m really shocked by the responses here. I feel they would be a lot different if the tables were turned. Men’s mental health is never taken seriously and it’s threads like this that really highlight it.

If he was in a terrible car crash which left him physically disabled would you leave him? Or is it not ok to leave someone whose physically ill, only mentally ill?

As for the comments about diet and exercise…Jesus Christ can we stop playing that old tune. Most depressed people need medication/therapy before they can even begin to think about diet and exercise. It most certainly isn’t a cure.

I think it’s only fair to wait until he’s seen his GP and is undergoing some sort of treatment and then see where things are. Righting him off as “he probably won’t even take the GPS advice anyway” is very unfair.

When your DC are old enough (if they aren’t already) to ask in-depth why their parents aren’t together are you honestly going to say “your Dad had depression and it was bumming me out so I left him”. How does that look to your DC? How would they then feel if they every have mental health issues? Like a burden I’m guessing. Like they couldn’t tell you about it. Would you be understanding if their partners left them when they were struggling with mental health issues?

If he doesn’t get help, by all means put down an ultimatum, but at least give the bloke a chance. It’s been a rough 2 years.

Living in a household with severe depression is incredibly hard for children and often impacts on their own future mental health.

Personally I remember the sheer relief when my parents separated and I no longer spent my whole life walking on eggshells.

I loved my dad but my parents obvious unhappiness was awful.

Time with both parents was much better after they lived separately. My dads mental even improved for quite a while without the marital stress and only having us kids got fixed periods.

Living with someone with uncontrolled and untreated mental health issues is not something I would ever recommend and I do not think people should ever feel guilty for protecting their own and Childrens mental health in that situation.

A divorce won't get anymore family time. Leaving isn't the only option, especially if you want more time as a family

I'm aware of that but it makes me resentful living with someone who doesn't want to or enjoy spending any time with us.

so tough and i feel your pain. i'm in a similar situation. he refuses to acknowledge anything is wrong though. meanwhile i'm on eggshells constantly. can't sleep. can't function. it's massively stressful and there's no answer for a quick fix. if you said to him you were moving out then how long would it take you to find somewhere and in that transition time are you safe, etc etc.
hope something happens soon which changes it all for you. fingers crossed.

I lived with my dad's depression. It was really hard and is classed as an adverse childhood experience (ACE). I wouldn't put my dc through an ACE with no hope of the person struggling helping themselves.

If he’s booked a gp appointment he at least acknowledges there’s a problem and is taking a step to fix it. See how that goes, but remember if he’s referred to an nhs mental health service it’ll still be weeks/months before he gets treatment.

@TuscanApothecary

I lived with my dad's depression. It was really hard and is classed as an adverse childhood experience (ACE). I wouldn't put my dc through an ACE with no hope of the person struggling helping themselves.

Me too. My mum tried to kill herself when it was just me and her in the house when I was about 10

@ManicPixie

If he’s booked a gp appointment he at least acknowledges there’s a problem and is taking a step to fix it. See how that goes, but remember if he’s referred to an nhs mental health service it’ll still be weeks/months before he gets treatment.

I honestly don't believe he'd go to therapy. NHS or private. He thinks it's all ridiculous. What good will just talking do.

I think he may be open to having medication now although he also refused the idea of that I'm the past too.

@GoldenBlue Your last paragraph is key though…”living with a parent with uncontrolled and untreated mental health issues”…the DH here is seeking help and OP doesn’t even want to wait and see if this help will be effective for him.

My parents divorced when I was 5. It was 100% the right choice. They were both utterly miserable. However it was their marriage that made them miserable. Unless the DH is depressed because of his marital situation then a divorce isn’t going to magic away the depression. The children will still be growing up with a parent who is mentally ill.

Medication might be really helpful in this instance, but if he’s ambivalent to therapy in general then it might be time for a ‘state of the union’ talk where you lay out how much it’s affecting you. It surprising how oblivious partners can be about that in the fog of depression.

[quote CallMeDaddy58]@GoldenBlue Your last paragraph is key though…”living with a parent with uncontrolled and untreated mental health issues”…the DH here is seeking help and OP doesn’t even want to wait and see if this help will be effective for him.

My parents divorced when I was 5. It was 100% the right choice. They were both utterly miserable. However it was their marriage that made them miserable. Unless the DH is depressed because of his marital situation then a divorce isn’t going to magic away the depression. The children will still be growing up with a parent who is mentally ill.[/quote]
I didn't say that.

But it's not just a case of he's been depressed for a short while and is now seeking help so just hang on for a bit.

He's been like this for a long time, throughout which he DID refuse to get help (still refuses therapy).

He didn't make this appointment himself, I made it for him because I said he needs to go and he's finally relented and said he will.

This is not a new situation though and I'm just wanting to bail at the first sign of trouble. I've been worn down with this for ages now to the point where k struggle to believe him now when he says he'll go and yes, a lot of the cruel things he's said to me have changed the way I feel over time.

You make it sound like he's been depressed for a week, booked a GP appointment and I just don't want to wait until then to give him chance.

That's absolutely not true. This has been going on for a long time.

Honestly OP don't let anyone make you feel guilty for not staying with him because of his MH or become guilty for men not talking about their MH. You may have married your mother if your mother had MH problems. I know I married my father. You don't deserve mistreatment. If my MH spiralled and I mistreated my imaginary amazing husband then I'd be mortified and I'd do anything to get help and try all of the help offered so I didnt mistreat my imaginary amazing husband.l again.

@HalterBeck

You make it sound like he's been depressed for a week, booked a GP appointment and I just don't want to wait until then to give him chance.

That's absolutely not true. This has been going on for a long time.

Not sure if that’s addressed to me but you asked for advice and that was the best I could give you based on the information you gave. If you sincerely believe he’s not even going to try to get better despite booking a gp appointment then you already have your answer: prepare to leave him.

Tell him he needs to try to get better for the kids sake. It must be totally awful as a child to put up with a bad atmosphere. It isn’t the kids fault and they should not be subjected to his moods, whether caused by depression or something else.
Of course see if the GP can help but I wouldn’t put my kids through this long term.

The fact that it was the OP that had to book the appointment and previous refusal to get help and accept therapy leads me to doubt the husband will active seek to improve his mental health.

All the guilt trips about wanting to leave are awful. We don't have to stay with d**k heads just because they are depressed. Even with depression you are responsible and accountable for your own behaviour.

This is just more 'be kind' asking women to put aside their own wants and needs because poor men can't help themselves

Not sure if that’s addressed to me but you asked for advice and that was the best I could give you based on the information you gave

No sorry @ManicPixie it was to @CallMeDaddy58

Seems like mental health
Is used as an excuse for
Bad behaviour now

@JudyGemstone

It’s perfectly fine to set boundaries around what you expect from him in terms of taking responsibility for managing his mental health.

I would expect him to be in weekly therapy, exercising regularly, in a good routine with eating and sleeping and minimising alcohol at the least. If this wasn’t enough then possibly an SSRI or St. John’s wort type supplement.

It’s not his fault if he’s depressed but no one can change it but him, it’s not ok to allow it to impact on the family.

this.

i left someone who had depression. I was impacting on my life, i was miserable and unhappy. Life is too short. would i go there again? no. no chance.

live. Don't just exist.

Living with someone who is severely depressed can be awful and demoralising, because their energy is not only low but seems to suck all of yours dry as well. The person is not likely to be emotionally available and may be flat, numb and even self-destructive. Abusive behaviour is not a symptom of depression but a depressed person may well also be an abusive one, just as anyone else can be, and that’s an adaptation of personality. I’m getting from your posts that he’s not invested in improving his situation, taking responsibility or seeing how his behaviour is affecting you and the children. It’s not the depression, is it? It’s the sulking, anger, belittling and tuning out that are deal breakers for you. His mental health may well be poor but he is also conflating it with bad behaviour. Has he actually tried talking therapies? Counselling for depression has a good evidence base, for example. Medication helps some people to raise their mood sufficiently to benefit from other approaches such as talking therapies, activities, other improvements. Your pointing out to him the impact of his moods and behaviour is not ‘making it all about you’. His refusal to help himself or allow you to help him is making it all about him. I do get how depression feels. I suffered from what was almost certainly a depressive period in my late teens. It left me numb, unable to function, unable to focus, with a crushing weight descending every day as soon as I woke up. I couldn’t find the energy to wash or dress properly and ate to try and fill the void. It’s a truly horrible condition and I think my description of its impact isn’t uncommon. Is your partner still able to enjoy things he did previously? Can he prioritise things other than family? If so, I’d be considering other mental health issues as well.

Is your dh in employment in his condition? If so, how does he hold down a job but cannot seem to get with domestic life.