To be considering leaving my depressed husband?

[HalterBeck]

I know I made vows for better or for worse, sickness and in health etc.. but I'm finding it so hard to deal with. I fantasise all the time about just leaving with DC and having a place of our own without the moodiness and "down" atmosphere all the time.

Sometimes hes okay and we get on and then others he's just miserable and I feel on egg shells.

We've spoken a lot about it recently and he's agreed to go and see the GP and has an appointment soon. But I just don't trust that he'll actually do what they tell him to.

I don't know how long I can stick by and be supportive and I feel awful about it.

When is it acceptable to put my own happiness first? DC adore him and he does try to keep it away from them as much as he can but it makes it so tense between us. Sometimes hes so nasty and then other times he's just down. I never know what to do or how to deal with it.

So he could self refer to therapists help using online mental health services but isn’t interested in talking.

Isn’t interested in doing anything.

Isn’t interested in his relationship with you or children.

Isn’t interested in speaking to a gp but ‘might’ go now you’ve done all the leg work and might/might not take medication. That might/might not stop him being an absolute arsehole.

He’s an arsehole depressed or not. Sounds like you’ve had years of this.

Are you willing for your child to grow up with this mood hoover in the house. Are you staying because of what happened with your mum and you feel responsible to fix him? Please talk to a therapist yourself and dig into this.

You can lead a horse to water and all that… but how much longer do you want to try flogging a dead donkey. You’ll still be in this situation when you are both retired and home alone. Fancy that?

Decide on your boundaries and limits and enforce them. After all why should he change if you keep putting up with his behaviour.

@haikyew

Seems like mental health Is used as an excuse for Bad behaviour now

Yes that 👆👆

Its too easy to say ‘oh poor him, he is ill. It’s not his fault’.
But he has been making the OP miserable for months if not years and has refused to take any responsibility for it so far.
Nope, much better to carry on putting the OP down etc…

Tbh I have no time for people who refuse to seek help when they are unwell.
I’m not even asking them to go the conventional route. But to do something , anything that will help them, that will show they are taking responsibility for themselves.

Instead we have a man who is getting worse and worse and is only saying he is going to see the GP when the OP is reaching her limits and she is ready to leave. For me that says it all.

@HalterBeck
the bottom line is that he has destroyed what you had together with his behaviour. To be able to crawl out of that hole and make things better, or better than they were, it would mean that somehow some of the love and respect and trust hasn’t been damaged by is behaviour. Do you think it’s the case? Because just now, from you are posting, I don’t feel it’s the cae.

@HalterBeck

You make it sound like he's been depressed for a week, booked a GP appointment and I just don't want to wait until then to give him chance.

That's absolutely not true. This has been going on for a long time.

No YOU made it sound like that in your OP.

So why is now the breaking point? He’s finally doing what he needs to do and you think now is the best time to leave? It just seems a very odd logic.

If he’s said cruel things to you and that’s why you want to leave, then do it. That’s a separate issue and feels like your trying to ‘justify’ leaving because of his depression. If you want to leave because he’s treating you badly that’s an entirely different discussion and your thread should be titled differently.

OP, in your position I would have a timeframe in my head for when things have to have either significantly improved or you leave. Maybe 6 months?

I would have an open and frank conversation with your DH about him getting help and then leave it to him. I’d offer help if requested, but he has to take the first steps himself. If after the 6months, he hasn’t engaged with therapy, medication or improved lifestyle I would leave. Give him the opportunity to be a good husband and father by working in his own mental health. If he won’t make the effort I don’t see why you should.

@CallMeDaddy58 that isn't how I heard it.

I also felt that was your view coming across guilt tripping the OP to stay because he may now finally agree to attend a GP appointment that he's resisted in the past.

I think the OP needs support that what ever next steps she feels are necessary are allowed and acceptable for her. No one has to stay because they feel guilty

Depression does not make you a nasty, selfish, snarky boor. He's abusive.

I'd leave him and set about making yourself and your dc happy. You can't fix your h.

From what you say, he sounds like a selfish twat who happens to have depression. You need to reframe - you’re leaving him because he’s selfish and abusive not because he has depression.
You only have one life - go!

[quote GoldenBlue]@CallMeDaddy58 that isn't how I heard it.

I also felt that was your view coming across guilt tripping the OP to stay because he may now finally agree to attend a GP appointment that he's resisted in the past.

I think the OP needs support that what ever next steps she feels are necessary are allowed and acceptable for her. No one has to stay because they feel guilty[/quote]
It’s not a guilt trip at all. No one should stay with anyone out of guilt. I stand to gain absolutely nothing by OP staying with her DH out of guilt.

If you come on a forum asking AIBU then clearly you want opinions. If you argue with anyone who says “yes, I think YABU” then don't bother asking the question.

If OP wants to leave DH because she feels he’s treating her badly then she should leave.

If she wants to leave because he’s moody & negative due to depression but is now getting help for it then that’s not a great reason to leave…again IMO.

I wouldn’t leave my husband if he lost his job, became long term physically ill/injured, was grieving a loss etc. All things that would create a negative atmosphere in the home. I’d accept that life and marriage has challenges & that’s what being with someone across the span of a lifetime entails. As long as those challenges have an end insight & aren’t insurmountable you ride the wave.

I said several times if he doesn’t follow through with getting help that’s another story, but asking someone to get help, actually making the appointment for them when they agree to get help and then leaving them before that help is given seems cruel. That’s my opinion. If she wanted a hand hold she should have asked for that instead of AIBU.

Has he been diagnosed with depression @HalterBeck?

Or is just what he’s like?

In any event, this is a horrible environment for you and your DCs and leaving seems sensible to me

Hi, I saw this post and it really resonated with me. Do you mind if I drop you a message to speak about it? I’m looking for some advice. I was depressed and really did a number on our marriage and I’m desperately trying to fix it now that I’m out the other side of depression, but I’m at a complete loss.