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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think this is a red flag?

86 replies

availablesizerange · 18/02/2022 10:16

Name changed for this but regular poster.

Feel very worried after a conversation with my fiancé last night. We’ve always had the same attitude towards infidelity - as in, whenever we’ve watched it on TV etc. we agree what is cheating (emotional affairs) and we’ve both always said we’d have zero tolerance if the other person did it. Never had any worries at all about him.

However, one of his best friends has just been caught cheating. He’d clearly been having an emotional affair with a woman from work for a few months before splitting with his partner. They separated on the Friday night (as in, had a conversation and decided they weren’t working well together, partly because he wasn’t putting effort in) and then on Saturday afternoon he slept with this new woman. He and his partner had been together for 11 years, own a home together etc. so were obviously still living together. My fiancé is really relaxed about this. Last night we were discussing it and he said he doesn’t really think his mate has done anything wrong.

AIBU to feel like this is a red flag? It’s certainly not how I feel about the situation, and it’s not how I would want to be treated. I’m just so in my head now that he thinks this is OK and it means he’ll do the same to me.

OP posts:
KylieCharlene · 18/02/2022 10:20

I'd see it as a red flag.
So, if there was ever a big falling out and you decided to give each other space by the time you'd talked and decided to reunite there's a chance he'd have gone and had sex with someone already.
Nah I'd not be happy with that.

MorningStarling · 18/02/2022 10:24

I don't see that as red flag.

By the definitions you and your partner have agreed upon, the friend was unfaithful long before now because he was having an emotional affair.

By your agreed standards, his relationship was dead months ago. So by him sleeping with his new partner now, it's not like he's just bounced from one relationship to another, his old relationship died months ago and now he's in a new one.

Stressedout1009 · 18/02/2022 10:28

I would feel the same as you. So in the space of 24 hours he slept with someone new, but that's ok because they were not together despite living together and 11 years as of the previous night.

Original poster
availablesizerange · 18/02/2022 10:29

I honestly feel sick to my stomach this morning about his response Sad

OP posts:
DillonPanthersTexas · 18/02/2022 10:33

I honestly feel sick to my stomach this morning about his response

To be honest this does not sound like a healthy response.

CorrBlimeyGG · 18/02/2022 10:33

Are there you unhappy in your relationship anyway? It's a big jump from an innocuous comment to feeling sick to your stomach.

PinkyU · 18/02/2022 10:35

Since when is a difference of opinion a “red flag”?

An out of the box idea, but you could always have a conversation with your partner. Explain your concerns then give him the chance to actually express his thoughts so rather than assuming what his behaviour might be, you could actually know what it might be.

Original poster
availablesizerange · 18/02/2022 10:35

@CorrBlimeyGG

Are there you unhappy in your relationship anyway? It's a big jump from an innocuous comment to feeling sick to your stomach.
It wasn’t an innocuous comment, it was a long conversation where I made it clear how disturbed I was by his reaction. He didn’t understand where I was coming from at all, and I couldn’t understand his perspective either.

Very happy in our relationship up until this point. But this feels like a big deal. If he’d spoken like this on the first few dates it would have really made me wonder if I should carry on seeing him. No indication this would have been his reaction before now.

OP posts:
TracyMosby · 18/02/2022 10:36

His friend sounds typical in that he lined someone else up before ending his relationship. He is a coward.

RedHelenB · 18/02/2022 10:36

Feeling like that about your fiance means you do not feel secure bonjour relationship. I'd be thinking hard if I wanted to get married.

TracyMosby · 18/02/2022 10:37

@RedHelenB

Feeling like that about your fiance means you do not feel secure bonjour relationship. I'd be thinking hard if I wanted to get married.
Im intrigued by a Secure bonjour relationship.
Comedycook · 18/02/2022 10:39

You're overthinking this. He's heard his mates side of the story and his loyalty is with him.

DillonPanthersTexas · 18/02/2022 10:46

Since when is a difference of opinion a “red flag”?

You must new here.

RedHelenB · 18/02/2022 10:47

Haven't a clue what a secure bonjour relationship is either ( bloody predictive text) but it sounds goid.

Original poster
availablesizerange · 18/02/2022 10:48

I don’t think a difference of opinion in and of itself is a red flag, it’s the ACTUAL opinion he has that’s worrying me.

OP posts:
TibetanTerrah · 18/02/2022 10:53

Its easy to have black and white morals watching something on TV, but its also easy to bend those morals and justify behaviour when its your own actions or those close to you.

People always find reasons to justify shitty actions. Those morals and values you thought you were aligned on have been shaken and I'm not surprised you feel the way you do.

Arnia · 18/02/2022 10:55

Men always minimize their male friends shitty behavior - it was ever thus! It's why misogyny still runs rampant in society as other men don't/won't challenge it. This is just an extension of that - bro code. Doesn't necessarily mean he'd do the same to you it just means he's defensive about his friend.

girlmom21 · 18/02/2022 10:56

Is he saying he did nothing wrong with the emotional affair or that he did nothing wrong by having sex with someone else once he and his partner had separated?

VelvetChairGirl · 18/02/2022 10:56

@MorningStarling

I don't see that as red flag.

By the definitions you and your partner have agreed upon, the friend was unfaithful long before now because he was having an emotional affair.

By your agreed standards, his relationship was dead months ago. So by him sleeping with his new partner now, it's not like he's just bounced from one relationship to another, his old relationship died months ago and now he's in a new one.

he deliberately didnt put the effort in and doomed the relationship to failure because he thought the grass was greener on the other side.

its very common especially with men, childish men. its the honey moon effect and after 11 years together he should know better.

it is absolutely a red flag its immature, shows they are fueled by volatile emotions that ware off and fantasy rather then their brain.

the woman must be an idiot too, anyone who dumps their wife for you is just creating a vacancy for their next emotional affair and fantasy to develop.

girlmom21 · 18/02/2022 10:57

Although I do think being "sick to my stomach" is a massive overreaction.

LittleGwyneth · 18/02/2022 11:02

I think it's probably being mitigated by the fact that he cares about his friend and is biased towards thinking his behaviour is fine because he likes him. Plus technically he didn't cheat, in the sense that he waited until the relationship was over before he shagged someone else.

You seem very worried about infidelity - I get that to an extent, but realistically he's not any more likely to cheat on you because he views his friend's behaviour as fairly reasonable.

DropYourSword · 18/02/2022 11:03

@availablesizerange

I honestly feel sick to my stomach this morning about his response Sad
Just because he's unwilling to roundly condemn his mate, it doesn't mean he's going to do the exact thing to you. I think you need to think more about why you're having such an extreme reaction to this.
ChoiceMummy · 18/02/2022 11:09

@availablesizerange

I honestly feel sick to my stomach this morning about his response Sad
So they had effectively split up on the Friday, and then on the Saturday he has slept with the ow?

So, in his mind he was then a "free agent" and acted as such. The fact they still live under the same roof is irrelevant surely.

As for your oh, I'm sort of with him on this. It wouldn't be my ideal in how to conduct one's self, but also not indicative of anything so concerning that you should feel sick.

StopStartStop · 18/02/2022 11:10

Hmmm.
RedHelenB - RU?

OP - the couple had split up. The man considered himself free to have sex with the new woman he'd lined up. Maybe he'd had sex with her before.

Why would you expect him to wait? If my dear fellow turned up and said he and his wife had split up twenty minutes ago, I'd be all over him like a rash. After checking she was fully aware of the decision, of course.

In reality, I am of course looking for a Secure bonjour relationship, but in the meantime, why deny yourself moments of pleasure?

DillonPanthersTexas · 18/02/2022 11:10

Men always minimize their male friends shitty behavior - it was ever thus!

Ha, and women don't? Friendship groups are way more likely to circle the wagons to protect one of their own if needs be, it's not a man women thing!

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