Page 2 | AIBU to think this is a red flag?

Original poster

availablesizerange · 18/02/2022 11:14

I feel like I’m having an extreme reaction, I agree. I think I just always felt as secure as I could be that he wouldn’t cheat on me and our morals aligned on behaviour within relationships. Now I feel like a mug, and it’s like - “oh yeah, he could definitely excuse that behaviour in himself if he can do it for his mate.” I just feel like an idiot.

My parents got together because they cheated on their partners, my best friend has been cheated on, my fiancé’s stepdad is a cheat, every time I look on mumsnet there are people being cheated on. It just makes me feel like it’s inevitable that’s going to happen. I feel like a fool for thinking otherwise.

OP posts:

DropYourSword · 18/02/2022 11:14

Why is everyone being so clueless about secure bonjour relationships. That's what all the kids are saying these days

pretty sure it was just a typo which was meant to say "secure in your" relationship

ldontWanna · 18/02/2022 11:20

It's one thing to be firm and black and white about things on telly,or in the papers or whatever.

Some people find excuses though when it's someone close to them and that they care about. Especially if they'd been fed a drip drip drip of how unhappy and miserable they are.

What I find odd is that he told you all this,in detail , knowing how you feel about it. That was stupid ,because of course his complete 180 was going to upset you.

In his eyes it might be ok because it's Jimmy and he loves him like a brother and wants him to be happy. In your eyes it's just another example of cheating in your circle.

MrsBlaue · 18/02/2022 11:22

It sounds like he just can’t be asked to think anything of it. I do this all the time. I just don’t think other people’s experiences/life through. As in I don’t care to properly think about something that’s nothing to do with me and form some sort of opinion/judge.

CallMeDaddy58 · 18/02/2022 11:23

You’re being a bit of a drama llama.

His friend met someone while with his partner. It sounds like it made him realise his relationship with his partner wasn’t going where it should so they both agreed to end the relationship. He then started something with the new woman.

He actually did the decent thing and ended his relationship when he realised his head had been turned by someone else and before he actually physically acted on it.

Would it have been more respectful to not immediately jump into bed with the new woman? Sure. Realistically is there any point in waiting when he’s no longer in a relationship? Not really.

Useranon1 · 18/02/2022 11:52

oh yeah, he could definitely excuse that behaviour in himself if he can do it for his mate

But what behaviour is he excusing? The emotional affair? Agree with you not on.

But if it's the sex then his mate hasn't done anything wrong. He ended one relationship then had sex. It's not for everyone but he was free to do so.

IKeptYouLikeAnOath · 18/02/2022 11:52

The guy didn't cheat though

I mean, is it absolute gold standard secure bonjour behaviour? No. But he was single at the time of The Sex.

ShowMeTheSugar · 18/02/2022 11:59

If he had a emotional affair and your fiance doesn't see an issue with that then yes that's a problem.

In sleeping with the other woman, he was single so whilst it's not great the act in itself isn't cheating.

I think you need to separate the two out here

Original poster

availablesizerange · 18/02/2022 12:01

I guess for me if my fiancé did that to me I would consider that cheating. And that’s what I can’t get past.

I suppose my opinion is not his issue, but at the same time I just don’t know if I can go forward with someone who thinks it would be OK to sleep with someone not even 24 hours after we decided to reevaluate our relationship. I also don’t think he’d say it was fine if I did that to him/if his mate’s ex had done that to him.

I just feel so confused. Maybe my feelings will fade over time but I don’t know how to proceed when we’re just so not in sync on this point.

OP posts:

Mo1911 · 18/02/2022 12:04

People can be tolerant of friends behaviour but never do what they do.
Actions speak louder than words so I definitely wouldn't be worried.

SwissCheeseRentedChildren · 18/02/2022 12:07

Ask your fiancé if he’d be feeling secure bonjour if you did it to him!

Yeah, look at his face when he tries to compute that question.

Comedycook · 18/02/2022 12:07

Sorry but I think you're being very ott and are thinking in very black and white terms.

An emotional affair could creep up on someone without them even realising. They just get on as friends then feelings get a bit deeper. Life is complicated. It's easy to say in theory, that it's an awful thing to do but in practice, it's easy to see how it happens.

People, both men and women, stick up for their friends. They are also more likely to hear one side of the story.

Mo1911 · 18/02/2022 12:12

@availablesizerange

I guess for me if my fiancé did that to me I would consider that cheating. And that’s what I can’t get past.

I suppose my opinion is not his issue, but at the same time I just don’t know if I can go forward with someone who thinks it would be OK to sleep with someone not even 24 hours after we decided to reevaluate our relationship. I also don’t think he’d say it was fine if I did that to him/if his mate’s ex had done that to him.

I just feel so confused. Maybe my feelings will fade over time but I don’t know how to proceed when we’re just so not in sync on this point.

I think you need to have a gentle and not accusatory conversation otherwise you're in danger of costing yourself what has been an otherwise good relationship.

Just because people excuse other people or even are just a bit defensive when they know you won't approve of their friends behaviour, does not mean anything.

Sally872 · 18/02/2022 12:12

If the friend is done with the marriage and knows no way back then I suppose it is fair enough so long as he realises it is closing the door on marriage and communicates that to wife ASAP so she isn't weighing up options.

If friend thinks he can decide in a few days "but we were on a break" then that's stupid.

Your dh probably wants to think well of friend rather than any indication that he would do the same.

noirchatsdeux · 18/02/2022 12:23

To be honest I'm amazed his friend waited until the next evening.

I've lost count of the number of male friends/acquaintances who have told me with zero guilt that they slept with another woman the same day/evening they'd split with their girlfriend/wife.

If they'd agreed to split, it's not cheating. Still tacky as fuck, though.

didshedidntshe · 18/02/2022 12:39

This is very Ross and Rachel.. it all depends on what was said on that Friday night, was it 'let's have some space' or was it 'we are over'. If they actually broke up, then although it's hurtful that he would sleep with someone the next day, it isn't cheating IMO

Sleepytimebear · 18/02/2022 12:48

I'm not quite clear which bit he is relaxed about. If it's the sex post break up, I guess technically he has done nothing wrong but it's pretty shitty behaviour when he still lives with his OH and they've had such a long relationship. If they were "on a break" then in my eyes definitely cheating and would firmly close the door on getting back together. If it's the emotional affair before then this is completely at odds with what he said he believed and what you believe, so yes I would be worried that my partner does not have the same view on cheating as me (although in these instances I generally find the person thinks its OK for them to have the emotional affair but would not be ok for their partner - little double standard!). If this was my friend I would think they had behaved really badly and disrespectfully towards their partner, irrespective of whether they were technically broken up before having sex. I don't think I am disloyal to be disappointed in my friend's behaviour and could still stand by them following this, but I don't have to think they "did nothing wrong". I wouldn't be happy with your partner's response either.

Original poster

availablesizerange · 18/02/2022 12:50

I think the responses on this thread have really clarified my reaction - I don’t really care how many of you think it’s cheating or not - that’s not my concern. I’m not marrying any of you. My concern is that I do, and I’m uncomfortable with my fiancé minimising the actions of his mate.

I need to have a further conversation with him about this to see the way forward. I don’t really care if others think I’m being unreasonable, it turns out! I just have different boundaries and I need to work out if my fiancé not sharing them is a deal breaker.

OP posts:

Original poster

availablesizerange · 18/02/2022 12:51

I didn’t mean my post to be rude, I think it reads a bit like that. I’m grateful for everyone’s thoughts so far, it’s been clarifying.

OP posts:

girlmom21 · 18/02/2022 13:00

Can you clarify, is it the emotional affair he's saying isn't cheating, or the sex?

Moretodo · 18/02/2022 13:04

He might have a lower standard for his friend.

My friends have done some stupid shit, as have I, but we will be there for each other.
Some of my friends, one in particular carries on like this, she has very low self esteem and it causes her a lot of pain.

It doesn't mean that's what your stbh would do.

I think you might be taking it personally, instead of condemning the guy (the friend) , have a conversation with stbh and say how upset you would be if you were her.
If he reassures you its secure bonjour imo.

Bbq1 · 18/02/2022 13:04

@availablesizerange

Name changed for this but regular poster.

Feel very worried after a conversation with my fiancé last night. We’ve always had the same attitude towards infidelity - as in, whenever we’ve watched it on TV etc. we agree what is cheating (emotional affairs) and we’ve both always said we’d have zero tolerance if the other person did it. Never had any worries at all about him.

However, one of his best friends has just been caught cheating. He’d clearly been having an emotional affair with a woman from work for a few months before splitting with his partner. They separated on the Friday night (as in, had a conversation and decided they weren’t working well together, partly because he wasn’t putting effort in) and then on Saturday afternoon he slept with this new woman. He and his partner had been together for 11 years, own a home together etc. so were obviously still living together. My fiancé is really relaxed about this. Last night we were discussing it and he said he doesn’t really think his mate has done anything wrong.

AIBU to feel like this is a red flag? It’s certainly not how I feel about the situation, and it’s not how I would want to be treated. I’m just so in my head now that he thinks this is OK and it means he’ll do the same to me.

Op, I think he's just siding with his mate. I personally wouldn't agree either if my dh sided with a friend like that but I guess your dh doesn't want to lose the friendship. You never truly know what goes on behind closed doors and what his marriage was like prior to the affair - clearly not happy. Me and my dh have the same values as you but I do think you're over reacting. Nowhere has your dh suddenly said he agrees with the situation and would do the same. Sticking by a friend who has done this (rightly or wrongly) doesn't make your dh more or less likely to have an affair than before.

SickAndTiredAgain · 18/02/2022 13:12

I think people often have different responses to things when it’s someone they know. You’ve said it’s his best friend - I don’t find it that surprising that it skews his view and he feels like he wants to defend him.

DillonPanthersTexas · 18/02/2022 13:13

I don’t really care if others think I’m being unreasonable

So why post on the AIBU boards then?

Bookworm20 · 18/02/2022 13:15

I am surprised by some of these responses.

I'd be utterly dismayed if my fiance said he thought it was fine for a man to go off and sleep with another woman less than 24 hours after ending an 11 year relationship.

The guy had an emotional affair and then slept with the affair partner immediately after splitting. I find that pretty sickening to be honest. And I'd be certainly worrying about a partners reaction to that being all fine and dandy - just because the guy was then single. (barely!)
What a kick in the teeth to the guys long term partner. I mean talk about kicking someone when they are down. What a shit.

I'd see it as a red flag too. My DP is perfectly entitled to have a different opinion to me on stuff, but this sort of opinion would really floor me.