Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think this is a red flag?

86 replies

availablesizerange · 18/02/2022 10:16

Name changed for this but regular poster.

Feel very worried after a conversation with my fiancé last night. We’ve always had the same attitude towards infidelity - as in, whenever we’ve watched it on TV etc. we agree what is cheating (emotional affairs) and we’ve both always said we’d have zero tolerance if the other person did it. Never had any worries at all about him.

However, one of his best friends has just been caught cheating. He’d clearly been having an emotional affair with a woman from work for a few months before splitting with his partner. They separated on the Friday night (as in, had a conversation and decided they weren’t working well together, partly because he wasn’t putting effort in) and then on Saturday afternoon he slept with this new woman. He and his partner had been together for 11 years, own a home together etc. so were obviously still living together. My fiancé is really relaxed about this. Last night we were discussing it and he said he doesn’t really think his mate has done anything wrong.

AIBU to feel like this is a red flag? It’s certainly not how I feel about the situation, and it’s not how I would want to be treated. I’m just so in my head now that he thinks this is OK and it means he’ll do the same to me.

OP posts:
Toanewstart23 · 18/02/2022 13:16

It’s a red flag to YOU

KrisAkabusi · 18/02/2022 13:18

I guess for me if my fiancé did that to me I would consider that cheating. And that’s what I can’t get past.

But he wouldn't be your fiance any more. You would have broken up before he slept with anyone else. You wouldn't need to get past it, you're already split up! Think about it. You can't say "My ex slept with someone else after we broke up. He cheated on me!" That just doesn't make sense.

MelaniaFlump · 18/02/2022 13:20

I think you're being completely OTT in fretting about something your partner might hypothetically do in some imagined future based on nothing much.

Noone sets out to have an emotional affair. If you find yourself in one, the decent thing to do is stop or else end your existing relationship. The friend has done the latter- seems ok to me. Upsetting for his ex but that's break-ups.

Original poster
availablesizerange · 18/02/2022 13:21

@DillonPanthersTexas Sorry, I meant in the course of these responses I’ve realised I don’t care. I didn’t know that when I posted.

OP posts:
Toanewstart23 · 18/02/2022 13:22

For me

Relaxed about an Emotional affair - red flag
Relaxed about sleeping with someone else within 24 hours of relationship ending - NOT a red flag

Is one or both for you OP?

Toanewstart23 · 18/02/2022 13:24

* I guess for me if my fiancé did that to me I would consider that cheating. And that’s what I can’t get past. *

Did WHAT?

Emotional affair
Or
Sleep with someone after ending the relationship?

Original poster
availablesizerange · 18/02/2022 13:25

@Toanewstart23 Both.

OP posts:
Toanewstart23 · 18/02/2022 13:26

But how can he be cheating if he sleeps with someone AFTER finishing the relationship?

Emotional affair - yes cheating
Sleeping with someone after moving out and ending it - not cheating

LivingDeadGirlUK · 18/02/2022 13:27

I thimk I must be missing something, the friend ended the relationship before sleeping with the woman he had been talking to? Surely thats the right way to do it?

girlmom21 · 18/02/2022 13:28

The emotional affair is cheating.

The sex was disrespectful and you'd probably feel like the relationship wasn't what you thought it was but it's not cheating.

LivingDeadGirlUK · 18/02/2022 13:32

Does the friends ex even know friend slept with someone else? They shouldn't know about it unless friend or others are stiring.

Toanewstart23 · 18/02/2022 13:32

@LivingDeadGirlUK

I thimk I must be missing something, the friend ended the relationship before sleeping with the woman he had been talking to? Surely thats the right way to do it?
Correct You’re not missing anything
LivingDeadGirlUK · 18/02/2022 13:34

@Toanewstart23 thanks, I know its not great for the ex but it's not cheating!

Toanewstart23 · 18/02/2022 13:35

Would I feel sad, angry, disappointed?
Yes

Would I feel as though I’d been cheated on? No

Would I feel cheated on if I discovered an emotional affair? Yes

Original poster
availablesizerange · 18/02/2022 13:37

I suppose the technicality of it not being cheating doesn’t seem that important to me, although I would definitely feel like I’d been cheated on.

It’s just the morals/ethics of it that is so gross to me, and I’m struggling that fiancé doesn’t agree.

OP posts:
Toanewstart23 · 18/02/2022 13:39

Well then it’s a red flag for you
And you need to decide if it’s a deal breaker
End of

Mumoftwo1990 · 18/02/2022 13:40

@availablesizerange

Name changed for this but regular poster.

Feel very worried after a conversation with my fiancé last night. We’ve always had the same attitude towards infidelity - as in, whenever we’ve watched it on TV etc. we agree what is cheating (emotional affairs) and we’ve both always said we’d have zero tolerance if the other person did it. Never had any worries at all about him.

However, one of his best friends has just been caught cheating. He’d clearly been having an emotional affair with a woman from work for a few months before splitting with his partner. They separated on the Friday night (as in, had a conversation and decided they weren’t working well together, partly because he wasn’t putting effort in) and then on Saturday afternoon he slept with this new woman. He and his partner had been together for 11 years, own a home together etc. so were obviously still living together. My fiancé is really relaxed about this. Last night we were discussing it and he said he doesn’t really think his mate has done anything wrong.

AIBU to feel like this is a red flag? It’s certainly not how I feel about the situation, and it’s not how I would want to be treated. I’m just so in my head now that he thinks this is OK and it means he’ll do the same to me.

I know of a similar situation, while he hasn't slept with anyone he checked out of the relationship about a year ago. Now going on dates etc, to him it's been over for longer than the official day it ended.

So it's different for everyone, it's obviously very hurtful for her in this either way though

ManicPixie · 18/02/2022 13:41

“Emotional affair” is a really loose term. If the guy didn’t instigate anything physical, left his partner then got with this colleague that’s a really broad definition of ‘cheating.’ Maybe the relationship has been dead for months/years anyway.

Ihaventgottimeforthis · 18/02/2022 13:42

The logistics of being able to have sex with a colleague within 24 hrs though is potentially cheating, there must have been some contact, communication and warming up so to speak.
So thats the cheating, the wife thinks they've been secure bonjour for 11 years and meanwhile he's getting his next shag all lined up.

Gowithme · 18/02/2022 13:48

I agree OP, it's gross. To end your 11 year relationship and then sleep with someone else 5 minutes later.
The EA had obviously been going on - is you OH ok with that too? What if he was attracted to someone at work, would be be ok for him to do that? How would he handle it?
I have no idea why anyone would want to be with someone who treats they're wife of 11 years that way. Well they've created a vacancy now - and they've shown him how easy it is.

Gowithme · 18/02/2022 13:48

*their wife

Original poster
availablesizerange · 18/02/2022 13:48

The “secure Bonjour” is absolutely killing me by the way, I love it!!!! Grin

OP posts:
jelly79 · 18/02/2022 13:55

I agree with you that I would be heartbroken if my partner slept with someone so immediate after the break up. Making it so final.
I also understand you being uncomfortable with the difference in opinion

But I feel your reaction to your DP is so extreme and the fact you are questioning your future with him over a difference of opinion on a situation that is actually not related to either of you more of a red flag than anything.

Agrudge · 18/02/2022 13:58

I think your being dramatic. Your seriuosly Considering leaving someone who thinks it ok for a single person to sleep with another single person. Your nuts

HumousWhereTheHeartIs · 18/02/2022 14:09

Is he not just trying to be supportive to his friend?

Swipe left for the next trending thread