To feel concerned children (not all!) are a generation of screen addicts

[Sadbabysitter]

I’ve been babysitting for many, many families for more than 15 years……

Over the last couple of years, although much more so recently, I’ve found very young children having literally hours of screen time during the day.

As a babysitter, I always want to engage with and play with the children, without the distraction of screens.
Not all families, but a concerning amount, will tell you their child (often 1/2/3/4 years old), likes the tv or phone/tablet and they have it on/in their hand as a default and it don’t be removed.

One child I’ve cared for since almost one year old and he watches coco melon for 4 hours straight while I care for him. If I turn it off he cries and mum tells me he wants it on all day long, so she puts it on for him. She laughs and says ‘he’s addicted’ which he is! He won’t play outside, build a tower of bricks, push a toy train………….

While it’s on (or any other screen) it’s impossible to develop any meaningful engagement with a child. They are drawn back to the screen, lying, sitting or just rolling around on the floor watching.

As a babysitter, I want the child to feel happy and comfortable and I will always work with the parents wishes, but this doesn’t feel right.
If the parent leaves the house, I will turn the device off and say ‘ah, it’s not working’ and I can then distract them with other activities, albeit with them regularly asking for the screen, maybe having a little cry at first. However, increasingly, parents need me to care for their child while they’re working in another room and they are clear that the device is to stay on.

Yesterday I was with a one year old who had her dad’s device in her hand from 6pm - 10pm with coco melon and other kids shows playing. He gave it to her when I arrived and was in the house the entire time so I couldn’t take it away as she cried and he told me she wanted it. Whenever we went into the living room dad put coco melon on the tv for her. She was exhausted but apparently doesn’t sleep until after 10pm - little wonder with the constant stimulation of shows!

Coco melon is the worse for turning tiny children into zombies, unable to take their eyes from the screen.

So my AIBU is, to be concerned that we are raising a generation of children who are sedentary, can’t use their imagination or focus on a task, can’t cope without the continuous pop of dopamine they are getting from these bright and rapidly changing images and this is going to lead to serious mental health problems in the future?

The stuff I read said the screentime itself is not inherently damaging, it just eats up time they could be doing positive stuff, so kids are not developing the skills and talents they could.

Apparently one of the aspects experts are most concerned about is every minute a baby is looking at a screen is potentially one they are not looking at a human - they are therefore much weaker at understanding people, reading cues, interaction etc.

I am a bit of a grouch when it comes to screens for kids. I am very into tech for kids - they code etc - but not just watching crap.

There is definitely a balance to be had, and there are some extremely judgey comments on this thread.

To the poster who judged the mums looking at their phones whilst pushing their prams- don't judge them. Maybe that was their only chance to do so that day. Maybe they were on their way to a baby class or the library or a swimming lesson and just needed to check their phone, or actually have some adult interaction with someone by replying to a WhatsApp message.

I do agree that cocomelon is awful though. I showed it to DC1 a couple of times when he was a young toddler and vowed never again- he still occasionally asks for it now a year later after those two times of watching it. I don't see how it has any educational value at all and is just far, far too addictive.

However he does watch cbeebies, and more than I would like. He was only 15 months when DC2 was born and I needed to use cbeebies to get me through that first year to be honest. We have started to cut it down now and he has no tv at all now on nursery days, and maybe 2-3 hours on non nursery days (which I will continue to cut down).

I have not and will not buy him his own tablet until he is much, much older.

And I should add I only felt like I 'needed' to use the tv in that first year because it coincided with lockdown. Now things are open and they're a bit older so I no longer have a 15 month old and a newborn it's monumentally easier for me to take them out of the house to a farm, park, play cafe, toddler classes etc. However, I appreciate most of those things cost money and I'm lucky enough to be able to do them every day if I want. If lack of funds meant I could only go the park and library then I'm sure I would use a lot more screen time- especially during winter.

I really did feel that I needed that screen time when DC2 was born, and being judged for it would have made me feel even worse about myself. So please stop being overly judgey.

This is why I was so confused that CBeebies offer cocomelon....

@LemonDrizzles

This is why I was so confused that CBeebies offer cocomelon....

Do they? I've never seen it shown live- is it just on the iPlayer function?

@Pyri

Coco melon is the worst

I used to think that, until I met the rip off version (evil) Baby Jojo. All the worst bits of Cocomelon, plus weird messsges about not trusting strangers, constant songs about being careful, plus a baby that eats donuts and ice creams constantly. The worst.

I can see how insanely addictive both are for kids, especially Baby Jojo - the songs would get stuck in my head for days in a really intrusive way. Both are pretty much banned in our house.

One of the mums at my child’s preschool lets her 4 year old watch Ryan’s world for hours when they get home. I really can’t think of anything worse, Cocomelon at least has a stab at ACBD and the like.

I personally agree with you. My son is 18 months and he gets the TV on for about an hour after his nap but it's watching buses, trains and trams that he likes, or music videos (real versions...not Cartoons). I
don't even have the TV on in the background (maybe once or twice a month I put a movie on in the mornings but he isn't interested anyway) as I worry about screen time and that's why we limit it. If I say I don't let him watch TV all day/ cocomelon / etc. If someone asks me, or we're at a baby group discussing TV, and I say this, I'm looked at like I have a problem 🤷🏼‍♀️

@househunters

And I should add I only felt like I 'needed' to use the tv in that first year because it coincided with lockdown. Now things are open and they're a bit older so I no longer have a 15 month old and a newborn it's monumentally easier for me to take them out of the house to a farm, park, play cafe, toddler classes etc. However, I appreciate most of those things cost money and I'm lucky enough to be able to do them every day if I want. If lack of funds meant I could only go the park and library then I'm sure I would use a lot more screen time- especially during winter.

I really did feel that I needed that screen time when DC2 was born, and being judged for it would have made me feel even worse about myself. So please stop being overly judgey.

I think it’s about having a balanced perspective on it. I 100% judge the mum I know who lets her kid watch 3+ hours of non-stop You Tube each night, that’s clearly unhealthy and unnecessary. But having really rigid thinking about it and sticking to a super strict schedule doesn’t strike me as healthy either. There are going to be times (like lockdown) when kids watch more tv and some when they watch less - but life ebbs and flows like that in general. When it’s something that’s gone on for years and is an ingrained part of the household, that’s something different again.

I think you should only spout disapproval if your DCs are young and you somehow manage without them looking at screens, tv or other.

Quoting how you managed your now adult DCs and limited their tv 15 years ago is not the same ball game,

Virtually all adults are on their phones at every opportunity.
I suspect many people will spend their lives on phones /games/ virtual reality and that's what it is. How much this matters to them or others time will tell. I suppose if they cannot hold down a job as they only know the virtual world it will have long term problems for society.

With both parents working, and especially with covid and home working how do you keep a child occupied for hours a day without screens. I remember mine when young squabbling and arguing, not doing worthwhile painting and reading. Fortunately I was a sahm for much of it.

If you Google there are various articles about how shit Coco Melon is for children, parents don't have to necessarily limit screen time but there is a wide choice of other shows that resulting to that over-stimulating garbage!

Working with kids and seeing the damage that screen addiction causes in families, I banned devices during the week except for homework and tv. I’ve seen teenagers with fractured relationships with family members as they’re all addicted to their phones and who won’t even go out with friends as they’d rather spend their time on their phone. They don’t do their homework and are failing even though they are bright, because they’d rather chill on their phone and parents are too busy chilling on theirs to guide them.
I don’t think it’s likely that many of these kids will be pioneers of technology or innovators. They’re passive users of tech and lack the creativity and focus it would take.
Its a huge problem and there are studies about how screen addiction damages the developing brain.

Op the situation you describe with the 1 year old is so grossly disturbing I would think about saying something. Letting a 1 year old watch screens for hours while paying someone to look after them also suggests a manic obsession with pacifying the child at all costs. That child will not develop properly

My own children use too much screens though I hate it and push a lot for outdoor play to come first. We have to also look at the world outside and eg cars taking over our residential streets so thst kids can't just step outside and play anymore

Its a huge problem and there are studies about how screen addiction damages the developing brain.

Yes and our mega millionaire/trillionaire owners of these products assure us they do their best to control what children watch etc. It's evil it really is.

YANBU OP. I read an article in the Sunday times magazine a few years back about research done on Japanese children and they found that the use of hyper stimulating content on screens, gaming etc was actually physically changing the structure of their brains as shown by MRI scans. Their explanation was that our brains were not designed to constantly be in “flight” mode so the areas of the brain which dealt with that response were getting bigger whilst other areas shrunk. I am feeling more and more like the human race is doomed every day!

Meant to add - after reading the post about the meta verse I feel we are doomed…..it’s all so depressing.

@Polyanthus2

I think you should only spout disapproval if your DCs are young and you somehow manage without them looking at screens, tv or other.

Quoting how you managed your now adult DCs and limited their tv 15 years ago is not the same ball game,

Virtually all adults are on their phones at every opportunity.
I suspect many people will spend their lives on phones /games/ virtual reality and that's what it is. How much this matters to them or others time will tell. I suppose if they cannot hold down a job as they only know the virtual world it will have long term problems for society.

With both parents working, and especially with covid and home working how do you keep a child occupied for hours a day without screens. I remember mine when young squabbling and arguing, not doing worthwhile painting and reading. Fortunately I was a sahm for much of it.

^this

Everything is being moved online. It’s difficult to do things without requiring a device which means you end up being pushed onto devices.

My ds is at secondary school and all of his homework requires the internet. So, unsurprisingly he ends up pissing about on YouTube etc when in “my day”, that simply wasn’t an option.

I desperately want the kids to have screen free days but as soon as you need to do any homework etc then nope. Not possible.

And lockdown certainly hasn’t helped as it now forms a massive part of their interaction with their friends!

It just comes down to everything in moderation. How many adults are screen addicts and hardly move themselves? I've never found it a problem with DDs as they have always wanted to be really active as well as play on devices.

I agree about secondary school homework, and it got worse since lockdown. DD2 changed schools and it took us months to even have the right logins for all the apps they use for homework, timetable. I have never been tech-phobic but found myself wishing for the days they would just write something in a book and hand it in. There was a real change to the approach between DD1 and DD2 - four years apart.

yADNBU.

I do think screens are an issue but what your describing sounds extreme to me and not the "norm". I have young DC and this doesn't reflect my house or that of their cousins/little friends.

Most parents are aware of the issues and try to put some limits in IME. Covid made many more parents/children dependent on screens (my own DC included) but now things are back to normal we've moved away from them again, besides a bit on Saturday mornings or when I'm making dinner during the week.

I think Netflix/YouTube etc. is more a "problem" than normal tv. The zombie-ness happens for my children when they can watch the same show over and over with no break. Like you mentioned with the Cocomelon. The variety of CBeebies etc. mean they don't get to that stupefied, eyes glazed over phase and lose interest when a programme comes on thy they're not interested in. So we now only let them use the tv that doesn't have any streaming services on it and all the issues have stopped and they never complain when it goes off.

IMO its a not screens per se thatvare the problem. Many 70s 80s and 90s kids grew up watching 4 hours a day of TV.

The problem is that the apps these kids (and us) use are highly, highly addictive - and also leading them to value online/fake communication and status updates above fostering meaningful real world relationships.

But yes of course the kids content on say YouTube is also severely lacking.

But I think just saying "screens are bad" is a dangerous simplification. The problem isn't screens but the poor content, and inferior values and habits which kids and teenagers are nurturing through their use of their devices.

When they're adults they're highly likely to be staring at a screen for 8 hours a day. Aren't they just being prepared for the world of work?

Children the age OP describes don’t need to prepare themselves for the world of work. They need to be growing and developing physically, socially & emotionally in a healthy way, and enjoying the years when they’re not having to sit in front of a screen.

Yanbu. I really hate it. I have a 4.5 and a 15 month old. The only screens they get is telly. I have had the tv on during the background their whole lives that they just play around it. DS1 particularly loves imaginative play and is super into playmobil and lego.

My siblings, give my neices and nephews their phones all the time and I inwardly cringe. My other nephews have had switches from such a young age that they are both totally addicted, they dont want to play anymore and just hang around waiting for their allocated screen time. It is really sad.

I am fully prepared to have the boys hate me as I dont intend on getting them a tablet/switch/play station for a very very long time. It is lovely especially now as the baby can 'play' a bit with his big brother. He wouldnt be able to join in if he was just glued to a phone/tablet.

Luckily DS1 doesnt complain about it. Am crossing my fingers that continues!

It was bad beforehand but we're now reaping the further consequences of asking parents of young children to wfh while simultaneously caring for their young children and homeschooling older children.

Could you run Zoom meetings, answer emails, draft and check documents and meet work deadlines while caring for a 3yo? No? I couldn't either. So the TV went on for hours and hours. It's been a long, hard road for us to reduce screen time to anything remotely acceptable for our child since we'd got into the habit of using it as a babysitter as we had no other options. And I know many people who are still trying to wfh without adequate childcare.

The dc gradually do more and more of it.
Ds used to be limited, but then, during ld, it was the only way he could communicate with friends. It ea also the time he laughed the most and became really animated.

He's now 12. Occasionally dh will get all twatty and authoritative and declare ds is spending too much time on it and needs to come off.

And do what?

It's winter and generally raining. He isn't a kid who meets mates and wanders the streets. Dh spends all his time on his phone, so he won't be interacting with him. Ds does still play with toys, but furtively. So he won't do that during the day.

What did I do at 12? I played on the mega drive. I read. I wrote stories. I probably drew. I had pen friends. I probably traipsed round the house pestering my mum. My parents thought I should be outside more. Had I had friends on the mega drive, I would probably have spent more time on that.

I have noticed, in work, that kids have shorter attention spans and need more novelty. But how much of that comes from parents feeling they have to entertain their children constantly through early childhood? And when it comes to it, those same kids are still able to sit 2 hour exams at the end.