To feel concerned children (not all!) are a generation of screen addicts

[Sadbabysitter]

I’ve been babysitting for many, many families for more than 15 years……

Over the last couple of years, although much more so recently, I’ve found very young children having literally hours of screen time during the day.

As a babysitter, I always want to engage with and play with the children, without the distraction of screens.
Not all families, but a concerning amount, will tell you their child (often 1/2/3/4 years old), likes the tv or phone/tablet and they have it on/in their hand as a default and it don’t be removed.

One child I’ve cared for since almost one year old and he watches coco melon for 4 hours straight while I care for him. If I turn it off he cries and mum tells me he wants it on all day long, so she puts it on for him. She laughs and says ‘he’s addicted’ which he is! He won’t play outside, build a tower of bricks, push a toy train………….

While it’s on (or any other screen) it’s impossible to develop any meaningful engagement with a child. They are drawn back to the screen, lying, sitting or just rolling around on the floor watching.

As a babysitter, I want the child to feel happy and comfortable and I will always work with the parents wishes, but this doesn’t feel right.
If the parent leaves the house, I will turn the device off and say ‘ah, it’s not working’ and I can then distract them with other activities, albeit with them regularly asking for the screen, maybe having a little cry at first. However, increasingly, parents need me to care for their child while they’re working in another room and they are clear that the device is to stay on.

Yesterday I was with a one year old who had her dad’s device in her hand from 6pm - 10pm with coco melon and other kids shows playing. He gave it to her when I arrived and was in the house the entire time so I couldn’t take it away as she cried and he told me she wanted it. Whenever we went into the living room dad put coco melon on the tv for her. She was exhausted but apparently doesn’t sleep until after 10pm - little wonder with the constant stimulation of shows!

Coco melon is the worse for turning tiny children into zombies, unable to take their eyes from the screen.

So my AIBU is, to be concerned that we are raising a generation of children who are sedentary, can’t use their imagination or focus on a task, can’t cope without the continuous pop of dopamine they are getting from these bright and rapidly changing images and this is going to lead to serious mental health problems in the future?

I once babysat a friend's young child with a similar screen addiction. The thing that struck me was the complete lack of strength and dexterity in their hands and fingers. I brought over some games and we were playing pop up pirate, and they couldn't push the little knives in. I really believe it's connected to using screens and swiping, rather than developing motor skills like we did in my childhood with lego and stuff

It is a huge concern. But not just for the kids. Many parents really struggle with their own screen addiction and not interacting with their kids, just glued to a device . It's really sad. My kids are 10 and 8 and things seem to have got worse in that time. My eldest didn't watch any TV until he was nearly 2 because the advice then was that it's damaging for v young children. That advice seems to have gone by the wayside now. And it's much more common to see toddlers with a small screen in their hands.

When I saw your title I assumed I was going to think you were BU. But what you describe is a concern. In fact it shocks me a bit. As someone said above, it sounds neglectful. That you are experiencing it a lot with parents able to pay for babysitting when they are in the house (presumably working or similar), and that the parents are the ones pushing for the screens to stay on rather than wanting to take advantage of having an adult there who would play with the kids - that's a worry. It sounds like these parents aren't just making the best of a bad situation where they have few resources, but instead have missed the memo on what young children need to develop well. If that's happening a lot it's definitely a cause for concern.

Are you a babysitter or a nanny? Babysitter is usually evening time when children are asleep or at least going to sleep. It's nannying in the day..you seem to spend a lot of time with them to know this much about them so I assume it's nannying.
I nanny for some kids who don't have a limit on screen time per se, however I don't use the TV much. My rules tend to be no tv for kids who nap (the ones who nap may get some screen time maybe once a month) then once they reach the no napping age, they get maybe 30 mins after lunch. I work 11 hour days. With obviously no break because I'm always in charge of them so I use screen time as a way for me to have a 'break' for 30 mins. So if I have napping kids, I don't need to use screen time.

What you are describing is bordering on neglect, but I don’t know if anyone who lets their young children watch screens like that regularly let alone with a babysitter in the house.

It's definitely additive.

DD (18 months) watches Hebrew songs and kids shows on YouTube (apart from DH and MIL, it's the only way to teach her Hebrew) and she gets visibly annoyed when I switch it off after a couple of songs.

It’s worse for tiny children as those developmental stages and learning about the world are so key. Glad phones weren’t around when mine were pre schoolers.

I've always got some kind of tv on in the background, sometimes they watch it but mostly we are reading and playing. Don't see an issue when it's like this, I always had tv on in the background as a kid

So I don't think it has to be 30 minutes of TV on a Sunday and no other access to devises or screen zombies, there's a space in the middle but it's about parent interaction

Exactly this. Screen time isn't necessarily bad. I don't limit my DC time but they're fairly good at self-regulating and if I think they've been on too long they cone off when told. They play out, they go to groups, they call on friends, they draw, they play games, it's all in moderation. My older two DC do 90% of their reading on a screen as DD likes her kindle and their school reading scheme is all online and weekly spellings and grammar are issued/practiced via an app.

I see lots of adults pushing prams whilst looking at their phones. There's also a lady I see regularly walking her dog, well I say walking him, she just ambles along whilst looking at her phone, unaware of anything else. I feel like shouting to her just walk the fucking dog.

All four of my DC, from reception up to Year 8, have online homework too.

Excessive screen time, I feel, should fall into the neglect category too.
Screens are great for downtime and it's important for kids to enjoy them. However, we rely on parents, some of whom didn't want kids, to stimulate their children and assist in their development.

Each generation has different ways to neglect their children

I agree. I am unusual in my friendship and child’s school group that he doesn’t have access to a tablet and very rarely a phone. He watches tv weekends but rarely during the week as it affects his behaviour (year r so very very tired!). We are having a tv day today as storm has cancelled school. I know I use my phone and try not to but it is addictive and I don’t want that for him until he’s old enough to regulate. My husband works in IT and he is very against him having his own tablet.

It really worries me that people don’t care or don’t do their own research. All of my friends with older children have their kids on fb and ig, TikTok etc because it’s the norm but don’t teach them how to limit their time or explain why.

I myself am a phone addict and I hate it, so I am mean mummy with my kids and don’t let them on screens until after lunch every day and then I have to seriously regulate them. They would sit there staring as a screen 24/7 if I let them.

When they're adults they're highly likely to be staring at a screen for 8 hours a day. Aren't they just being prepared for the world of work?

I agree and it's a real concern, but these families sound extreme and personally I'd refuse to work with them and find others more in line with your values - they are out there. Not saying they don't exist, but I don't know anyone who uses screens to this extent with such young children, or even older.

It really is tough though, dd was very limited in her preschool years but it does become harder as they develop their own lives and preferences at school, we can't control every aspect of it. I do feel sad that it is now just accepted to be a thing (eg pretty much all 11+ year olds have a smart phone, tv & computer time at school from the very start) - it makes it very hard to opt out, even if you don't agree.

That Dad sounds awful. But I don't think the fault is with coco melon and their catchy songs and hypnotic images, or even with screen time in general. He sounds like an utterly inept parent, and we have a word for parents who cannot set boundaries and meet their children's need. That is neglect.
The thousands of parents using Cocomelon to stop their toddlers bouncing off the walls for hours today whilst nursery is cancelled due to the storm? That's not neglect, it's a parenting tool.
Misuse of anything is not ok. Kids doing homework? Great, supporting their learning, absolutely. Kids doing homework every moment they aren't in school? Miserable, depressing, no way to live. Kids doing exercise? Fabulous, joyful, healthy. Kids being made to exercise all day every day? Straight up abuse.
It's the same with screens. There is a healthy medium

I am continually horrified that friends buy their toddlers their own tablets. I mean why?

@Pumpfive I’m a babysitter.
Ad hoc sitting for lots of families.
A lot of evening work, but often 4- 6 hour periods during the day time, for various reasons.
The evening referenced in my OP I was booked from 6pm - 10pm and the child had the screen the entire time. She was exhausted, but I was told not to put her to bed as she ‘doesn’t sleep’. Dad was there the whole time, so I couldn’t over rule.
He couldn’t see the stimulation of the screen was keeping her brain awake when she was actually very tired.

I limited my kids screen time a lot as young kids, they are still screen addicted now as tweens/teens.

I don't think they would be so bad, but we had to get then individual devices to do school work during lockdown (2x full time working parents) and that really fucked up our ability to meaningfully limit their use. (Its really easy to sneak off and hide with a smaller screen!)

The idea that children self limit is just laughable to me. With busy distracted parents while we working I lockdown the kids never ever got bored of screens. And the more time they spent on them they harder they found it to come up with other activity ideas.

We're working on it. But it's bloody hard to change these patterns. I do feel sorry for parents who were trying to work with toddlers during lockdowns I agree the damage could be immense.

Absolutely agree OP. It's definitely neglect. And God forbid anyone on Mumsnet suggests that parents taking small children to restaurants should do so without a screen to keep them quiet.

I completely agree, OP. And as a parent, if you swim against the tide and have the backbone to limit your child’s screen time, you’re labeled everything from a tiger parent to a overprotective fool who is trying to make everyone else look bad. The worst is when parents smugly roll their eyes at people giving their children screen limits because ‘the more you make it a thing the more they’ll want it.’ I have a friend who is awful for saying this. I think she is trying to justify the fact that she gives her kids hours of screen time because she is exhausted after work and doesn’t have the bandwidth to deal with the fallout of saying ‘no’.

YANBU and I agree. We don't even own a TV. DS1 (now aged 4) got dysregulated by screen time and had the worst tantrums as a toddler, stopping the moment I removed screens entirely. DS2 (15months) has never had screen time. They both play independently for hours every day. This isn't a brag, this is normal for us. I'd sooner saw my arm off than go back to the days of DS1 tantrumming for days after an episode of Duggee.

Assuming age appropriate content, the biggest issue with screen time is what are you not doing. That's where time really matters because it's less time on physical activities, imagination, reading, drawing etc. Children need a broad range of experiences to develop their brains and neural connections.

The world has changed rapidly. DS1 is 11. When he was a baby, I had a Blackberry style phone. Pacifying him with youtube wasn't an option. We did watch CBeebies and his screen time increased the winter he turned 2 when we had a lot of poor winter weather and I ended up on crutches with SPD. When summer came, and I began to be more mobile again, the screen time was gradually reduced. At 11, he's one of the later children to get a mobile phone. The past two years seems to have accelerated that as many children were given phones to keep in touch with friends when school was out of bounds for 6 months.

WFH with young children present is the worst of all worlds because the priority becomes pacifying the child to get the job done.

As a parent to older children, it's tough to find the balance. Screen time is here to stay. It's part of society. It also has benefits. DS1 has ASD and dyslexia so he can access niche information to feed his interests whereas books of the right level of content are very difficult to process. He needs about 90 minutes to zone out after school before he's mentally fit to cope with other activities. But he does need that time away too and he needs to use his body.

When I was a child in the 80s/90s, self regulation wasn't much of an issue because the 4 channels on TV didn't put out more than a couple of hours of child-,orientated content at a time. If you did stay watching TV, it probably was informative/ educational. Now there is no natural trigger for people of any age to walk away.