Did anyone here have a really good upbringing?

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Lately I seem to hear constantly about the impact of childhood trauma and how it affects people going into adulthood, whether it be with their mental health, self esteem, addiction, relationships, attachment etc. I just wondered if those who had happy, healthy childhoods still suffer from these kinds of issues, or if they are relatively happy in life? Or is it a case of it doesn’t matter how you were raised, no one gets out unscathed?

Yes. I truly couldn’t complain about anything in my upbringing. For that reason I spent years feeling it had been ‘boring’, which might be why you hear less often about those experiences.

i don't know why my parents didn't love me enough to wait

You can't really think that? As an adult?

superficially everything was ok, but i wasn't allowed to show any emotion. I couldn't challenge my mother's perspective. My mother was pleasant so long as I didn't challenge her rosy perception of herself. My father is very co-dependent and weak.

So, I didn't really understand until my forties that I'd been robbed of all sense of my self but yet shamed for not going out in to the world and getting a great education, job, husband, house.... They erased me and they hated the underachieving people pleasing shell of me but not half as much as they seem to hate the new me that is healing and recovering.

My ace score is 3, I witnessed quite a lot of domestic violence. My parents divorced and mum was poor.

But I was loved, cared for, valued. My parents were interested in me, they enjoyed being with me.

And so I'm ok, I have very good self esteem, a good job, a marriage, friends, etc

Born my parents has awful lives. Mum was loved unconditionally in her early years and she's ok. Dad wasn't loved and really wasn't ok.

I'm more shocked at how many people are truly happy in life now and appear to have few significant issues

I am not sure it is about fewer issues. I believe is it more about outlook, and seeing the positives in situations and enjoying the positives rather than dwelling on the negatives. So more about how you accept, or cope with what life throws at you.

I had a mixed bag of a childhood. My mum was very strict, my dad drank too much, my sister the golden child. I had massive panic attacks and anxiety as a teenager that was overlooked. But I also know the good we shared and I received. If I blame them for my weaknesses and faults, I need to blame them for my strenghts and successes too. As a parent myself now, I realise how little parents actually know and as a child you are their whole world.

I had a very happy up bringing and not MH issues or trauma. I feel incredibly lucky

Alcoholic Dad, witnessed him violently attacking my Mum many times. Verbal abuse daily. No money, poverty really. Never had a holiday, just a yearly day trip to Blackpool on a council coach for poor families.
Sexually abused by a neighbour at 10. This was covered up and I was labelled a liar and trouble maker. I feel this tag still slightly endures amongst wider family to this day.
Positives were that I adored my mum and my sister and my cousins. Excelled at school and had loads of friends. Adored nature, just going for a walk and noticing the birds/flowers/clouds felt like an escape.
Decided as an early teen that I would get the hell out of that town. Went off to uni (felt awful for leaving my mum and sister but I'm so glad I went).
I have a great career, a lovely DH and 3 brilliant DC. We prioritised holidays and family time, we are financially secure but TBH, money means nothing to me. Its living in a calm peaceful home that means everything to me.
My childhood taught me resilience and that the best things in life are free. I never allow myself to dwell on the past, it's the here and now and the future that counts.

My parents split up when I was 11, and we had a slightly bumpy ride with adjusting to step parents etc. However, I always knew that my parents loved me unconditionally, and I have a large and warm extended family, particularly my grandparents. I grew up in the middle of the country and we roamed wild quite a lot and had lots of animals. It wasn’t a conventional upbringing - my parents were teenagers when I was born and we had a lot of support from grandparents and great-grandparents. DM went to uni and qualified in a professional field when I was 5 but until I was 9 or 10 they had very little money. The one thing I notice in myself is taking more physical risks than most people will, which I think stems from being brought up by young parents - DF in particular used to let us climb onto the roof without worrying we’d fall off.

Yep me. I had a fantastic childhood. My parents were quite unconventional (skint hippies!) but they really loved us and they were lots and lots of fun. They were the least strict parents in the world and I don't think I have ever been told off or guilt-tripped by either of them
They are now in their 80's and I still find them great company, I laugh a lot when I'm with them.

Had a loving home with quite a strict but loving mum, less strict dad, brother, grandparents, aunt and uncle and cousins, family Christmases, mostly UK holidays. I enjoyed school, did a few activities, had a babysitting job that I liked, plenty of friends and we all enjoyed time in each other’s houses . Friends parents were pretty much the same as mine in teens if parenting approaches. Almost all the kids in my town went to the same high school. I was encouraged but not pressured to do well.
There wasn’t loads of money but I don’t think there were any real struggles financially. If there were, I wasn’t aware of them.
DH family is very similar- we are from the same town and our backgrounds are both working class grandparents but parents who ended up lower middle class I suppose - office/ teaching etc.
So we both had security, normal routines and discipline - and a lot of love.

I grew up in a normal family, mum, dad three brothers a cat and dog. There was no DV, or divorce, no raised voices. Before the age of 10, we were comfortable financially, in my teen years it was a lot more tight, but we managed. So, no childhood trauma.

TW for next paragraph

I have crippling anxiety, depression, ADHD (late diagnosis), I was an alcoholic in my early/mid 20's, self harmer, nearly took my own life a few times. These things can happen to anyone regardless of their circumstances, regardless of how good and happy their childhood was. Life is a hell of a thing to happen to a person.

I had a truly fabulous upbringing.

Yes, stable home- great parents, grandparents, aunties/uncles all very close. No trauma.
The only major anxiety I have now is work and I worry about my relatives as they’re all 80+ now.

Im married, one DD, one DDog, lots of friends, healthy, financially stable, I’m very fortunate.

Very loving parents, good relationship with my brother despite being 5 years apart. Still good, see them a couple times a week at least because that’s what everyone wants. Lots of family time. Parents prioritized family time but also had their own interests. Grew up in a really wealthy area so didn’t fully take in how well off we were (parents pretty conservative with money so never had flashy things) until I moved out.

The hardest thing I dealt with was PND and while it was completely awful and I was suicidal. I got help quickly and completely recovered. Overall have always felt like I could do anything I wanted (confidence not law breaking!). As I’ve got older and heard people struggling, it’s hit home more and more how confidence in everything, to take a riskier job, move abroad, have a second child, take on a mortgage that maybe felt a little scary at first, comes in a big part from the unconscious and unshakable knowledge that DH and I both have families behind us completely supporting us. I don’t mean financial support, although I have no doubt either family would & could bail us out of even a big financial mess, but also knowing they support our decisions and respect us. We would never get to a mess because we could talk to our families about it before it was a crisis.

Very lovely childhood, two lovely parents who loved and supported me well. Never any money for any abroad holidays but we did lots of camping. Good food (homemade) a lot of faith and encouragement academically ( they expected I try my best). Mum was a cleaner and dad pulled 12 -14 hour factory shifts. U have emotional resilience if an ox. Don't get me wrong I struggle at times but always pull through I work hard like them and try to offer all thus to my own son. I am eternally grateful.

@ScurrilousSquirrel

My ACE score is 9

FWIW I'm sorry you went through that. I hadn't heard of that test but just did it, my score is 4 and my childhood was bad enough. Well done on carving out a stable happy life.

@ukborn

I had a good one, parents who didn't divorce and when I was old enough to be aware we were comfortable (I know more now but not relevant). I think of myself as pretty grounded. I've had some things happen to me as an adult which I've worked through. But it's really an individual thing. My sister had a more self inflicted traumatic childhood which affects her still today. And of course you know of people who had extreme trauma and are ok, snd others who didn't have anything and yet have issues. I think some people are more fragile than others.

@ukborn out of interest what was the self inflicted adversity your sister experienced?

I had a very stable, mc, financially comfortable (but not rich) upbringing in a nice house in a wealthy, leafy area with a good, supportive family. Girls' grammar school education, parents very supportive of my academic progress etc. No traumas, no problematic relationships (not even any divorces in my whole extended family).

The only hard thing I've ever had to deal with really was a period of debilitating postnatal anxiety after my 2nd dc, which still resurfaces a bit occasionally years later.

@NannyOggsWhiskyStash

I had a good childhood too, loving, if strict parents, lots of holidays, music and dance classes, private education etc. I still went off the rails, and suffered from insecurity and low self esteem. Thankfully now I'm in my 50s, that seems to have passed.

Holidays, dance lessons etc don't mean a good, emotionally healthy childhood. Have you seen the Stately Homes thread?

I had a breakdown about 8 years ago and exh didnt give a shit. It was my parents who sat by my bedside when I couldnt get up and looked after my kids who were scared to death of what was happening to me. I always knew my parents adored me but as an adult you don't need them in the same way as you do when youre a child, except in that moment I did. It was like a huge blanket of love being wrapped around me when I was scared shitless, I will never forget the love they showed me.

We were very poor but my parents loved us and loved each other. Neither had experienced a proper family life but they gave us love and support and encouraged us to do well in our education and improve our lives. They taught us about art, literature and music and we had lots of (free) days out with the odd theatre visit when times were better. Definitely gave us a strong set of morals and a sense of looking after others. There were favourites but I take the view that there is no point in holding onto those feelings. They only warp your personality and other relationships.

I had a good childhood - loved, supported and stable. My parents absolutely did their best and made lots of sacrifices.

That’s not to say there were no issues - wider family history of mental health issues coupled with the fact mental health issues are a taboo subject in the family meant I had a fairly traumatic period of anxiety/depression in my early twenties. Thankfully I came through it with a great group of friends, lots of CBT and a generally high level of resilience.

Even good parents can make mistakes but it’s possible to accept these and make sure you don’t pass them on to the next generation.

Like the poster uptrend my Ace score is 9! It's taken me a long time to get to a point where I can build mental resilience, and it's only recently I realised how many basic life skills I'm missing! Really interested by all the responses from people who had happy upbringing and are happy adults. Really goes to show how important it is!

We are 22 months apart and he ruined everything. i don't know why my parents didn't love me enough to wait, but my whole life was then swapped to having to prioritise the baby. I remember having to give up my cot, my tricycle, my car seat.

You really, genuinely remember those things? That would make your cognitive abilities astonishingly rare.