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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To fall out with DH for calling me and the baby 'work'

81 replies

tirednewmumm · 17/02/2022 18:09

Dh came home tonight and said that after baby (5 months) goes to bed he could do with an hour to himself. Totally fine, I know how that feels and he will happily stay with baby while I have a bath when I feel that way, we get very equal rest time.

He went on to say that being at home is basically as hard and shit as being at work and that there is no fun in life anymore. It's really hurt my feelings and I cried, I'm on mat leave and work my ass off to get the chores done while baby naps so he literally goes to work and comes home and cuddles baby and helps with bedtime, baby is breastfed so he rarely needs to do feeds,

He thinks I'm being unreasonable to be upset and he didn't mean anything by it, I'm crushed that he thinks our life now is rubbish, it's hard but o thought good at least and I enjoy it.

So aibu to tell him to sodd off to the guest room and have a full night off never mind an hour he asked for

OP posts:
Mummytobe93 · 17/02/2022 18:12

You ANBU @tirednewmumm what a horrible thing to say!

Rosebuud · 17/02/2022 18:12

I don’t think he was saying you and the baby were work?

I mean he’s right, a new baby is hard work, it takes it’s toll. I think you need to try to habe sone empathy and not take it so personally

ReadtheFT · 17/02/2022 18:13

Why not keep communication open, see what he means and what hes finding hard? Rather than you cry, he gets defensive, things dont get talked about and create issues? Doubt he would feel like that if all he has to do is cuddle the baby after work, there must be something ?

Midlifemusings · 17/02/2022 18:13

Yes you are being unreasonable. Believe it or not he is entitled to have feeling too and your immediate dismissal of his feeling and making it about you....not very healthy.

The majority of people find the early years rough and not that much fun. Maybe you spend all day frolicking about in a joyful mood and think your evenings together are just a bundle of fun but he doesn't and that is okay. He should be able to tell you how he feel and you should be able to hear it and talk about it without turning it into you hurt me and tears. That is just emotional manipulation.

AlDanvers · 17/02/2022 18:13

Is thay exactly how he said it?

Original poster
tirednewmumm · 17/02/2022 18:14

@ReadtheFT

Why not keep communication open, see what he means and what hes finding hard? Rather than you cry, he gets defensive, things dont get talked about and create issues? Doubt he would feel like that if all he has to do is cuddle the baby after work, there must be something ?
Baby is hard work and clingy at bed time so it is loooong and frustrating but essentially just endless cuddles and feeding and stories, I guess I didn't see it as hard work just a bit testing on your patience
OP posts:
Pyri · 17/02/2022 18:15

I am quite sure that everyone has felt like this at some point. Having a new baby is really hard work, and getting used to it can take some real adjustment.

I think he’s worded in in quite a harsh way, but perhaps this could open the discussion on a way forward to make you both feel a bit less exhausted with life. Maybe time to leave the baby with a sitter and go out for dinner, if you haven’t already, or perhaps start thinking of both having a hobby evening per week to get some time out doing other stuff?

Chestofdraws · 17/02/2022 18:15

Is that really all he does? Give the baby a cuddle and that’s it?

If so this would be unreasonable on many levels

If you’re just putting him down, like you have discarded his feelings of it being rough with a new born and making it about you, then you need to examine why that is.

Mummytobe93 · 17/02/2022 18:16

Erm how the hell can the @tirednewmumm not “take it personally” ?? You don’t get somebody pregnant and then complain how shit it actually is where you’re not even the one doing all the hard work

rainbowandglitter · 17/02/2022 18:16

He's right though. That's exactly how it is with a baby. I felt exactly the same.

Kbyodjs · 17/02/2022 18:16

So clearly he’s very much worded that wrong and I understand why you’re upset but i have to admit to at times feeling like that myself and feeling like work is a rest compared to home life with a baby/young DC.
It sounds like he’s struggling with the change that having a new baby has brought to your lives and I’m kind of conflicted in part of me thinking he shouldn’t be saying it to you and should talk to someone else while also thinking that in a relationship you need to be able to say how you’re feeling.

Original poster
tirednewmumm · 17/02/2022 18:16

@Midlifemusings

Yes you are being unreasonable. Believe it or not he is entitled to have feeling too and your immediate dismissal of his feeling and making it about you....not very healthy.

The majority of people find the early years rough and not that much fun. Maybe you spend all day frolicking about in a joyful mood and think your evenings together are just a bundle of fun but he doesn't and that is okay. He should be able to tell you how he feel and you should be able to hear it and talk about it without turning it into you hurt me and tears. That is just emotional manipulation.

Thank you it's good to hear the other side too, it isn't intentional manipulation it really took me by surprise and sting me a bit. I got a few tears in my eyes and cracked on with bedtime so certainly not flounced Grin

A bit at a loss now though as I suggested he go watch some tv and have the evening 'off' but now he doesn't want to seem like he's complaining so is hovering while I do bedtime anyway Blush

OP posts:
Chestofdraws · 17/02/2022 18:17

Baby is hard work and clingy at bed time so it is loooong and frustrating but essentially just endless cuddles and feeding and stories, I guess I didn't see it as hard work just a bit testing on your patience

So why are you crying and on the attack when you know it’s true? He’s allowed to say it’s shit and hard work. It often is

AlDanvers · 17/02/2022 18:17

@Mummytobe93

Erm how the hell can the *@tirednewmumm* not “take it personally” ?? You don’t get somebody pregnant and then complain how shit it actually is where you’re not even the one doing all the hard work
And yet when women get pregnant and then moan it's hard work and a bit shit and a full time job, they are great for speaking up?
shouldistop · 17/02/2022 18:18

Don't most parents feel like that at some point if they've had a hard day?
I love being a mum but sometimes it's hard work and I want to be left alone by everyone including DH.
If he feels like that every day then it's possible he's depressed though.

Isonthecase · 17/02/2022 18:18

But a small baby really is hard work? I find them incredibly difficult and unrewarding until around 6 months and then they get more interactive, and that's with the hormones. I'm not surprised your husband feels that way.

I think you're both a bit tired and emotional, have a couple of hours relaxing separately and then have a chat where you can BOTH talk about how you're feeling.

Original poster
tirednewmumm · 17/02/2022 18:18

@Chestofdraws

Baby is hard work and clingy at bed time so it is loooong and frustrating but essentially just endless cuddles and feeding and stories, I guess I didn't see it as hard work just a bit testing on your patience

So why are you crying and on the attack when you know it’s true? He’s allowed to say it’s shit and hard work. It often is

Definitely not on the attack.

We both often moan that it's bloody hard. I think the distinction is that apparently he's not enjoying anything and it's all just work. I thought there was some happiness and nice bits sprinkled in Confused

OP posts:
Dillydollydingdong · 17/02/2022 18:19

It's so hard, isn't it, for both you and dh? Your whole life changes when a baby appears in your life. And men sometimes resent the fact that they haven't got 100% of your attention and love any more. I don't think you are U at all to be upset. Explain to him that it's hard for you too but you need his support at the moment, not put downs. You're probably still being affected by hormones sloshing around, but things will get better.

Chestofdraws · 17/02/2022 18:19

it isn't intentional manipulation it really took me by surprise and sting me a bit. I got a few tears in my eyes and cracked on with bedtime so certainly not flounced

Ok, so you weren’t, crushed, really hurt, crying? You just had a few tears, cracked on and wrote the wrong thing?

ajandjjmum · 17/02/2022 18:19

Babies are knackering. I was so jealous of my DH who went off to work (where he works hard) as he was essentially getting a rest. I remember looking at DS and wondering how the hell I was going to survive the next 18 years until I could offload him! Grin He's 30 now and living in Sydney - I love him to bits and he and his sister make my life - but God those early years were hard graft.

shouldistop · 17/02/2022 18:19

We both often moan that it's bloody hard. I think the distinction is that apparently he's not enjoying anything and it's all just work. I thought there was some happiness and nice bits sprinkled in

He was probably just venting though

Original poster
tirednewmumm · 17/02/2022 18:20

@Isonthecase

But a small baby really is hard work? I find them incredibly difficult and unrewarding until around 6 months and then they get more interactive, and that's with the hormones. I'm not surprised your husband feels that way.

I think you're both a bit tired and emotional, have a couple of hours relaxing separately and then have a chat where you can BOTH talk about how you're feeling.

This is good advice we've had several bad nights sleep so tonight isn't the night to discuss it, we need a nice calm chat at the weekend about how it can feel better for him
OP posts:
NinaDefoe · 17/02/2022 18:22

Did he actually say YOU are hard work?
If he said what you posted: ’that being at home is basically as hard and shit as being at work and that there is no fun in life anymore.’ it doesn’t sound like he is having a dig at you. Don’t put it on yourself.
Tell him that you know- it’s relentless.
You’re with the baby all day and all evening.
Ask him what he wants to do about it (the baby is here to stay!).
It gets easier! You are at a difficult stage.

mewkins · 17/02/2022 18:23

@rainbowandglitter

He's right though. That's exactly how it is with a baby. I felt exactly the same.
I did too to be fair. I would quite happily have gone to work than stay at home with a new clingy baby. It gets better though.
Pyri · 17/02/2022 18:23

My husband said that he found it challenging to be a parent (in a way) until our baby was about 9 months old. Prior to that, at least for first 6 months, they really just need mum and don’t do much. My hormones made me think DD was the most amazing thing ever and I definitely bonded more easily than he did.

It got better, but I do think it hits dads in a different way to mums.
L

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