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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To fall out with DH for calling me and the baby 'work'

81 replies

tirednewmumm · 17/02/2022 18:09

Dh came home tonight and said that after baby (5 months) goes to bed he could do with an hour to himself. Totally fine, I know how that feels and he will happily stay with baby while I have a bath when I feel that way, we get very equal rest time.

He went on to say that being at home is basically as hard and shit as being at work and that there is no fun in life anymore. It's really hurt my feelings and I cried, I'm on mat leave and work my ass off to get the chores done while baby naps so he literally goes to work and comes home and cuddles baby and helps with bedtime, baby is breastfed so he rarely needs to do feeds,

He thinks I'm being unreasonable to be upset and he didn't mean anything by it, I'm crushed that he thinks our life now is rubbish, it's hard but o thought good at least and I enjoy it.

So aibu to tell him to sodd off to the guest room and have a full night off never mind an hour he asked for

OP posts:
Jvg33 · 17/02/2022 18:28

At least he said he needed an hour to himself after the child has gone to bed and like you said he gives you equal time etc. I'm in the thick of too on maternity leave, having to care for young children can feel like 'work'

Sofiegiraffe · 17/02/2022 18:29

I can't see where he's said you are hard work? From what you've written he's venting about having a new baby and that being hard work. And as a new (ish) mum to a 10 month old, I can confirm it definitely is! It can feel relentless at times, my partner and I often vent about it to each other. That said, neither of us feels that there is nothing enjoyable at all about our situation - we have many lovely moments interspersed with really challenging ones. It sounds from your update that your partner isn't enjoying anything at all? I'd feel upset to find out my partner felt this way too.

dottymac · 17/02/2022 18:33

He's not wrong tho 🤷 in general, it is not a rest being at home with kids. Sometimes you'd love to just veg out on the couch all day - kids can sense you're relaxing though and simply don't allow it 😬 just the same as when you come back from holiday with kids more tired than you were when you went. I don't blame you for being a bit hurt though, maybe his words weren't the best at expressing his feelings.

mumof2exhausted · 17/02/2022 18:33

In the kindest way possible you are being a bit unreasonable but that’s ok you are shattered as a breastfeeding mum so are allowed to be a bit unreasonable and emotional. I promise he just having a moan. We all do! Small babies are tough. I genuinely thought I hated my husband when we had a baby and we argued so much . Turns out we were both just knackered and in a bit of shock about how much a baby changes your life! Had baby number 3 and we are sailing through it as we understand now it gets easier!!

Original poster
tirednewmumm · 17/02/2022 18:35

@Sofiegiraffe

I can't see where he's said you are hard work? From what you've written he's venting about having a new baby and that being hard work. And as a new (ish) mum to a 10 month old, I can confirm it definitely is! It can feel relentless at times, my partner and I often vent about it to each other. That said, neither of us feels that there is nothing enjoyable at all about our situation - we have many lovely moments interspersed with really challenging ones. It sounds from your update that your partner isn't enjoying anything at all? I'd feel upset to find out my partner felt this way too.
This is exactly it, I thought it was really hard mixed with wonderful moments. And it seems he just thinks it's really hard and that's it. That's what surprised and hurt me.

And it's true he didn't specifically say I was hard work that's fair, he said being at home was hard and equally as hard at work and there's 'no fun at all'
I think becuase there's only me and the baby at home I just took it to mean we're the hard work but really I suppose it's just the baby. That doesn't really make me feel better though

OP posts:
AdamRyan · 17/02/2022 18:36

seem like he's complaining so is hovering while I do bedtime anyway
Maybe he is missing spending time with you? And doesn't know how to say that?

AlDanvers · 17/02/2022 18:36

My kids are 11 and 17. I still feel like it's bloody hard work, that I don't stop and there's no difference between work and home (in that I always have stuff to do). Then the next day I am fine.

Its always worth it. But someday it's just shit.

I can't see where he said anything about you or even about the baby, personally, just that having a small baby is sometimes shit.

You see a long bedtime as endless cuddles and stories. I saw that part as a bit shit and frustrating. I felt sleepless nights, until they were both about 3, was shit and hard work. It's really normal.

kindlyensure · 17/02/2022 18:37

He was being very unkind. I mean what are you meant to do with that information? What does he want? What is the point of saying that to you? You can't do anything about his work situation (apart from tell him to look for a new job if he is so miserable) but you thought you were keeping home as pleasant as possible by doing all the chores and making being with the baby easy for him. But he thinks that's shit too. Charming.

Envoitrevisage · 17/02/2022 18:39

Baby is hard work and clingy at bed time so it is loooong and frustrating but essentially just endless cuddles and feeding and stories, I guess I didn't see it as hard work just a bit testing on your patience

How often on MN do we see SAHMs furious that their partners have said they don’t “work” and that it’s not “hard work”? Then a guy sympathises saying how hard it must be at home, and he’s still in the wrong!!

TheMagicDeckchair · 17/02/2022 18:40

@tirednewmumm sympathies. I have 9mo twins and a 4 yo and the young baby stage is flipping hard.

It sounds like you’ve both had a few rubbish nights which isn’t great for mental health and stress levels. It sounds like he’s stressed and has just snapped- both me & DH have done at times, definitely with the twins and also with my first. It’s relentless, everyone’s tired, you’ve a tiny helpless baby crying at you constantly, it’s enough to test anyone’s patience levels. I have also said on occasion in the last 9 months that I hate my life right now- but I love my babies and I know it will get easier, I just need to vent because I can’t lose it with the little ones. Right now I don’t feel like there’s much joy in my life, but I know in time they’ll be able to communicate better and be more independent and it’ll be much more rewarding. My eldest is mostly a joy at 4.

As you suggested, take some time at the weekend after bedtime to sit down and talk to him about it. I understand where he’s coming from, it isn’t a lack of love for you or the baby, just finding the circumstances tough.

Blossom64265 · 17/02/2022 18:40

It is work. Just ask any mother on maternity leave who has reached the end of her tether with a clingy baby and gets dismissed by the father when she let’s him know she is struggling. Babies are wonderful, but caring for them is hard work.

Foldinthecheese · 17/02/2022 18:40

I felt like that, especially once I was back at work and home felt like a treadmill of food prep, cleaning up, lengthy bedtimes and endless night wakings. It’s especially tough when you’ve had a few challenging nights in a row. I imagine if you talked to him about it after he’s had a bit of test that he might feel differently. I can be very guilty of black and white thinking when I’m sleep deprived and exhausted: it’s either great or miserable all the time. He may have been a bit hyperbolic because he’s struggling. Or he could be a dick.

Original poster
tirednewmumm · 17/02/2022 18:41

@Envoitrevisage

Baby is hard work and clingy at bed time so it is loooong and frustrating but essentially just endless cuddles and feeding and stories, I guess I didn't see it as hard work just a bit testing on your patience

How often on MN do we see SAHMs furious that their partners have said they don’t “work” and that it’s not “hard work”? Then a guy sympathises saying how hard it must be at home, and he’s still in the wrong!!

I absolutely can't fault him on this he often acknowledges that staying home with the baby is really hard work and that he couldn't do it. He often tells me I'm doing a really good job with the baby.
OP posts:
Original poster
tirednewmumm · 17/02/2022 18:42

@Foldinthecheese

I felt like that, especially once I was back at work and home felt like a treadmill of food prep, cleaning up, lengthy bedtimes and endless night wakings. It’s especially tough when you’ve had a few challenging nights in a row. I imagine if you talked to him about it after he’s had a bit of test that he might feel differently. I can be very guilty of black and white thinking when I’m sleep deprived and exhausted: it’s either great or miserable all the time. He may have been a bit hyperbolic because he’s struggling. Or he could be a dick.
We've agreed to each try and get some sleep by having an early night and to have a proper chat about how we're both feeling about things at the weekend when it's nicer for everyone because we can all relax. We can have a nice lunch together and chat while baby naps
OP posts:
MrsTophamHat · 17/02/2022 18:44

He's hovering while I do bedtime

I do this all the time. I feel like I have no time to be alone but then I feel guilty that i'm not being around and helpful. This is another shit aspect of parenting.

chat about how to make it better for him

I don't think this is needed. You just need to talk openly about how you're both feeling. There may not be a 'solution' but just an acknowledgement that yes, this is tough and relentless, and the weekends and evenings can feel as hard if not harder than work. I also feel like this. I love my children and they do things that make me so proud and happy every day but my god am I pleased when they go to bed.

SockFluffInTheBath · 17/02/2022 18:44

@rainbowandglitter

He's right though. That's exactly how it is with a baby. I felt exactly the same.
Me too. Sounds to me like he’s just tired OP. You might see a protracted bedtime as lots of cuddles and stories and lovely family time but it sounds like he sees it as a chore, lots of us do/did feel the same. Please don’t ambush him at the weekend to talk about what he’s said. Accept that he doesn’t see all babytime as joyful memory making and just muddle through this stage of sleeplessness and stress.
AlDanvers · 17/02/2022 18:44

This is exactly it, I thought it was really hard mixed with wonderful moments. And it seems he just thinks it's really hard and that's it. That's what surprised and hurt me.

There will be moments of joy. But right then, that's how he felt. Again it's not that unusual to feel everything is a
Shit, when it's not really. You just feel that way at that time.

And it's true he didn't specifically say I was hard work that's fair, he said being at home was hard and equally as hard at work and there's 'no fun at all'

So it wasn't about you and the baby, personally, you just decided it was. And then got yourself upset.

I think becuase there's only me and the baby at home I just took it to mean we're the hard work but really I suppose it's just the baby. That doesn't really make me feel better though

Baby's are, generally, hard work. Sleepless nights are hard work. Sometimes it gets on tops of us and feels shit. There isn't much fun when bed time takes an age and sleep is broken. Just like it's hard for sahp, it's hard when you work too and just feels like drudgery, sometimes.

I imagine he is hovering because you were crying and upset

DogsAndGin · 17/02/2022 18:45

YANBU. And, good for you - telling him to sod off to the spare room. He is being ungrateful and unrealistic. Sounds like he has a pretty amazing life, wife, baby, job, clean house, dinner, spare time. What a very lucky man. However, in winter, it is very easy to feel like you never see any day light, and don’t have any free time. As baby gains independence, and the sun comes out, he will cheer up, I’m sure. I hope he apologises to you, and does something solely for your benefit and pleasure to apologise.

Bunnycat101 · 17/02/2022 18:45

I think you’re being a bit over sensitive. Some days being at home can be much harder than work and that is tough when you feel like you need a break. It’s why lots of people say holidays with little people are ‘same shit different location’ . Sometimes the grind does just get to you especially when you’re being screamed at and just want some sleep.

A580Hojas · 17/02/2022 18:46

Of course having a baby is hard work but only an arsehole would complain about that to the person who spends nearly all day doing the actual hard work with the baby.

stimpyyouidiot · 17/02/2022 18:47

@A580Hojas

Of course having a baby is hard work but only an arsehole would complain about that to the person who spends nearly all day doing the actual hard work with the baby.
Agree
Wreath21 · 17/02/2022 18:49

Pretty much everyone with a newborn has spells of feeling like this. It doesn't make anyone a monster to say so.
Particularly with a first baby, people have bouts of feeling that there is no more fun to be had ever, that your life from now on will consist of duty and drudgery and (if you have a colic-prone or particularly clingy baby) not even the baby is happy.

Try to schedule something enjoyable in the near future - perhaps agree to take a night off each and go out with friends and/or get someone else to babysit so you can go and do something together as a couple.

MrsTophamHat · 17/02/2022 18:49

@A580Hojas

Of course having a baby is hard work but only an arsehole would complain about that to the person who spends nearly all day doing the actual hard work with the baby.
"Only an arsehole" is a bit harsh. You've never been knackered and frustrated and said something a bit tactless?
MangshorJhol · 17/02/2022 18:50

I could have written this with roles reversed. I found the baby stage unbearable- each time. Relentless and the joy was minimal. Everything after 18 months was great. DH who is generally a pessimist found it easier (and he very much did his share).
I used to absolutely dread walking in the door some days. Even when DH had given DS1 his dinner etc and there was only bedtime, the relentless of it, the not knowing how the night would go, the sheer drudgery of it would bring me to tears. That was no comment on DH.
In fact the thing that kept me going was DH’s unrelenting support and being able to resort to black humor.

Luckily the kids are older and I did it more than once and it’s all a blur! But give me older kids over smaller helpless ones any day.

Begrateful · 17/02/2022 18:57

Well firstly, congratulations!
How is baby settling at night?
It will get easier with time, keep preserving. Is your bundle of joy a girl or boy? Smile