Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

To fall out with DH for calling me and the baby 'work'

81 replies

tirednewmumm · 17/02/2022 18:09

Dh came home tonight and said that after baby (5 months) goes to bed he could do with an hour to himself. Totally fine, I know how that feels and he will happily stay with baby while I have a bath when I feel that way, we get very equal rest time.

He went on to say that being at home is basically as hard and shit as being at work and that there is no fun in life anymore. It's really hurt my feelings and I cried, I'm on mat leave and work my ass off to get the chores done while baby naps so he literally goes to work and comes home and cuddles baby and helps with bedtime, baby is breastfed so he rarely needs to do feeds,

He thinks I'm being unreasonable to be upset and he didn't mean anything by it, I'm crushed that he thinks our life now is rubbish, it's hard but o thought good at least and I enjoy it.

So aibu to tell him to sodd off to the guest room and have a full night off never mind an hour he asked for

OP posts:

Luredbyapomegranate · 17/02/2022 18:58

I can absolutely see why you’re upset, but as PPs say don’t go kicking him out to the spare room, as it’s easy to see his point too. Babies are really hard work, and I think especially under 8 months or so many people don’t find them especially rewarding.

He probably just had a moment of honestly, brought on by tiredness. I know it hurts now, but it’s useful he did, because you now know you’re having a different experience of parenthood right now.

Can you make some time to talk this weekend? - go out to lunch or something, and see what if anything can be done to make things work as well as possible for you both. Young kids are hard of course so you can’t fix it all.

AskingforaBaskin · 17/02/2022 19:06

I don't really find much joy in parenting till they get to about 2 and a half.

And at that age when it's work and then home it is just misery.
We just got our heads down and got through each day.

The nights are long but the years are short.

luxxlisbon · 17/02/2022 19:21

My baby has been particularly hard work this week, sometimes it’s just so relentless. If my partner got pissed of at me for communicating that I would be annoyed.
He is allowed to find things difficult right now so yes YABU by making it all about you and trying to make him feel guilty because you don’t find it hard.

Pyri · 17/02/2022 19:22

@A580Hojas

Of course having a baby is hard work but only an arsehole would complain about that to the person who spends nearly all day doing the actual hard work with the baby.

Nobody has the monopoly on feeling miserable or finding things hard. It’s absolutely fine for him to say this.

Tequilabeliever · 17/02/2022 19:23

He’s summed up perfectly what life is like with a young baby. It’s absolutely thankless.

Zezet · 17/02/2022 19:24

It really just sounds like the reason you are so pissed off with him about this comment is that YOU actually also feel it is hard work and you feel angry at yourself for feeling that way, so you get angry at him when he says it.

But it'll pass, it's not that long that they're this small.

IDidntKnowItWasAParty · 17/02/2022 19:26

I think he's summed up parenthood quite well. It's not something that anyone is generally supposed to say, however.

notacooldad · 17/02/2022 19:44

Ive gone through several stages since the babies were born thinking the same as your Dh.
There are times when it is bloody relentless and theres been no enjoyment.
Life did feel a bit rubbish tbh.

AlDanvers · 17/02/2022 19:54

@A580Hojas

Of course having a baby is hard work but only an arsehole would complain about that to the person who spends nearly all day doing the actual hard work with the baby.

So no parent can find it hard and have a shit day, if their partner is on mat/pat leave?

You would call a female poster, complaining that life feels shit and relentless since she went back to work and her dh went on pat leave, an arsehole? If she voiced it to her dh would she be an arsehole?

Antsgomarching · 17/02/2022 20:15

Yup i felt like that too.

GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal · 17/02/2022 20:32

Ah, do you know what though, that stage really is work, and bloody hard work at that - for both parents, regardless of who's staying at home. I can remember, when our first was about that age, DH and I having an argument about who got to go out to buy a pint of milk. I won, and on the way back I sat on a bench for five minutes, just relishing the lack of crying and the demands of a small person.

It's really hard, but it does get easier. Just try and remember you're a team, and you need to support each other.

Summerfun54321 · 17/02/2022 20:40

Most parents have felt like he has at some point. Of course it isn’t a walk in the park looking after a young baby, but you should be building in time to go for walks and do some socialising with other parents during your day. That’s not something a full time working parent gets to do. It is hard working full time without the things that break it up and make it more manageable like exercise or socialising, things you often give up when you have a new baby.

AliceW89 · 17/02/2022 21:01

Having a baby is really hard work. Life does change. I’m sure some people sail through the change, but a lot of people find the loss of their old life and the transition to their new life very difficult. I think your husband was being honest and, if you can muster it, empathy and a listening ear might be a better approach. I really don’t read this as criticism of you or your DD.

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 17/02/2022 21:02

My dh is awful for catastrophising when something goes bad for a while. He forgets the baby slept through, or that someone is sick or whatever the issue is and that it's a short term problem and starts acting like everything's gone to shit and there's no end in sight. And I used to try convince him that actually the child isn't sleeping because they're sick, or that this is the second time this has happened, or when the dishwasher is fixed this issue won't exist etc. but I've given up now, because actually it just causes rows so I completely ignore it. I'll offer support if I feel he needs it and don't bother convincing him he's wrong or remind him of reality. He'll come to that conclusion himself. I will however make a point of drawing his attention to when things are good- like isn't it great we got a full week with no wake ups, or he's gotten much better at eating his dinner, manners, tidying whatever

TheNinny · 17/02/2022 21:07

My DD at 5.5 months was the most difficult in terms of sleep and temperament. I was on mat leave but I’m sure my DH felt that way as I also did at that time. I think he’s being insensitive to say it so casually but at that age, my baby was hard and if I was working it wouldn’t be that much fun to look forward to, knowing you were in for a night of no sleep ahead (In my case).

FrothyB · 17/02/2022 21:12

I can safely say there were moments where I thought my new life as a parent was shit, that "work" never seemed to end. I felt it was a very thankless existance, sometimes just trudging on from one day to the next.

I had a partner with very bad Post Natal Anxiety, who turned into a ghost of her former self on Sertralin or however you spell it. I would start work between 2am and 6am, sometimes on as little as two hours sleep, almost constantly on broken sleep. I didn't have to do night feeds, but I would still wake up as baby was in the bedroom with us. I would have our daughter with me for 3-4 hours after getting home from work just so my wife could have some sleep herself. There was virtually no free time, no downtime. I'm a natural introvert and for me unwinding is being on my own for a while, so there was no way for me to decompress. I had the worries and stresses of being a first time father, a partner who was unwell and not herself, and after 6 months I carried the entire financial burden for a while.

I haven't written this to say "oh woe is me as the poor man". I will never understand what motherhood is like, but I know at times my wife was going through her own hell. I would never claim I had it worse than her.

I wrote about my experience and the pressures on me as the father to contextualise my overall point. Even when things were shit, and I grumbled a few times, I loved my wife and daughter 100%. They were, and still remain the most important people in my life. Sometimes you just need to vent, and sometimes the only person you can vent to is your partner.

Lifeslooser · 17/02/2022 21:14

It’s not that it’s just hard work, it’s repetitive too so makes everything seem boring and drawn out. This is a hard stage in life, it’s tough, other stages will be better, some will be shittier, it can’t always be flowers and fun, that’s not realistic

WonderfulYou · 17/02/2022 21:40

YABU
Kids are hard work and no one should be made to feel guilty for saying so.

You have to remember that’s he’s also done a full days work so he is going to be more tired than you and find it more difficult.

Isonthecase · 17/02/2022 21:42

It sounds like you've got a plan to relax a bit together and I'm sure things will feel better soon. There is light at the end of the tunnel - babies get better and better as they get more personality and you're nearly there. I know we had much happier lives after ours started sleeping through for a start! In the meantime, I think just try to give each other as much patience as you can possibly muster up and accept it's a short term slog but you'll get through it together.

becca3210 · 17/02/2022 21:43

We had this same scenario and I felt the same as you at the time. Got much easier as he got a bit older and we could put him down without wondering when he would wake and have our evenings and time together. This stage will pass

HoppingPavlova · 02/12/2022 06:40

He is being honest. Don’t crucify him for that. I found babies/young kids hard work. My work at that time was considered extremely challenging and ‘hard’ but to be frank I found the trenches at home to be far harder than those at work, which were pretty bad. It’s no crime to admit that you are not overjoyed with that stage of life! I had several but if I couldn’t have escaped them by going to work and 100% switching off from home during that time, I would have considered life that bad I may have left it (or not had as many🤣).

Outtasteamandluck · 02/12/2022 06:45

Looking after babies is relentless and exhausting. You've lost your freedom and everything is about baby. There is no let up / breaks.

I'd be more pissed off that you're doing the vast majority, yet he feels overwhelmed by the little bit he does.

I can understand why you'd be upset but I don't think he's wrong in his thoughts. Though heaven forbid he did it 24 / 7.

Deliaskis · 02/12/2022 06:57

It is very very hard for both parents with a young baby, and he's not terrible for finding it harder than you do to see the good things at the moment.

Between 3 and about 7 months one of the things DH and I found really hard was the realisation that this was it now... we would never again have our carefree existence where we had so much less to think about and could just simply choose to do a thing, like.... go for brunch or something.... without thinking of the ramifications of doing that with a baby, and would it even be enjoyable anymore, etc. I genuinely think we both had a bit of a phase of mourning the life we had lost. Of course we adored DD, and weren't wishing her away or anything, but I totally get your husband.... life at that stage is just relentless and hard and you're processing a lot. DH and I sort of had this grim acceptance for a bit, and then of course things did improve, we found ways to do the things we enjoyed, DD was part of our lives and we made it work together, and it all got better and better and better. It did take time though and it was an emotional process. It's OK that your DH might just be at a different part of that process to you, or that he is experiencing it differently.

I hope you have a talk about it and can both see things from the other perspective this morning.

rainbowandglitter · 02/12/2022 06:58

This thread is from February.

Ivyonafence · 02/12/2022 07:06

Oh I think every parent has felt like that at some point. I don't think that's a criticism of you.

It's hard having a baby that age, and if it's your first then life would have changed a lot. 6 months ago he would have been able to go out after work, kick back on the sofa when he got home, spend weekends doing whatever while sleeping in every morning if you wish. I think it's normal to feel a loss of fun and freedom in the first year.

Also 5 month old babies are cute and adorable but not a lot of fun yet. In 6 short months your baby will be crawling or toddling, chasing after balls, laughing at silly faces, showing a distinct personality. I think 1+ is a lot more 'fun'.

I wouldn't feel too bad OP, but I can definitely understand why your feelings were hurt.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread