Do most Teenagers do drugs?

[Oslosunshine]

DD is 17. She was at a party last night and I got a call from her as it got shut down by the police. One of the girls at the party was taken to hospital in an ambulance after an overdose. Today I had a chat with the mum of the boy who’s party it was and she was, to be expected, incredibly frustrated as she had to fly back to deal with the fallout. Thankfully the police were only really fussed about the noise after the neighbours complained and nothing is being taken further.

However, this prompted me to speak to my DD about why drugs should be avoided and about being sensible etc. DD got very defensive and told me that everyone does drugs, ‘MDMA is safer than alcohol’ and lots more to that extent.

I was incredibly shocked- I know DD smokes (both cigarettes and weed) and whilst I would prefer her to stop, she’s 17 and like most of my peers, I did the same at her age. However, I knew absolutely nothing of the hard drugs and how common they are with her friends.

DH is also worried but sees it as an almost given. He went to a similar school in London to hers and was in a similar ‘scene’ when he was younger and confirms that it is very much the norm.

Mum of the party boy agreed that coke, ketamine, MDMA are all very normalised with their peers and thinks the best course of action is to educate them on dosages, rather than pleading with them to stop.

I feel so naive; I feel as if I have failed my daughter by bringing her up in this privileged inner city London environment where most of the DC have the money for these expensive drugs. But DH thinks it’s not our fault and that this happens everywhere. It certainly didn’t happen on this scale when I was growing up in a less privileged, more suburban area.

Is this normal for teenagers everywhere/ was I just incredibly sheltered growing up?

It's more common for people in their 20s than teenagers to be doing drugs. I don't think it's the "norm" amongst teens to do drugs, outside of trying the odd bit of weed. But most people in life aren't drug addicts or use it habitually in a way that has a negative impact on their life even if they tried it when teens. And I'm not saying that to dismiss the harm of drugs and how awful they can be, but there is a difference between experimentation and habit/addiction.

However I would be concerned too if my daughter was at a party where one of her peers overdosed, as that isn't normal. That being said, it seems she is open and honest with you which is really positive.

@AlexaShutUp

It's a bit of a cop-out to suggest that the parents who think their dc don't take drugs are just blissfully unaware. So the parents of the drug-takers convince themselves that they are actually better parents because at least their kids are talking to them about it, whereas the others are just in denial.

Of course, there will be some kids whose parents will be oblivious to what their kids are doing, and yes, it is better if you at least know. But there will also be many, many parents who are absolutely right in their belief that their kids don't do drugs. Lots of kids don't.

My mum would have been one of the ones on here saying that her kids didn't do drugs. She would have been right. Neither dsis nor I ever touched them. I never even tried a bloody cigarette. The majority of my friends didn't do drugs either. A small number did.

I think it's too easy for parents to shake off any worry about drugs by persuading themselves that this is normal teenage behaviour. Yes, it's true that drug use is fairly common, but I don't actually think that the majority of kids go down that route. Though it will be the majority in certain friendship groups.

This post sums up my view well

@WarmWinterSun it’s not about being cool it’s about being realistic. The harder you come down on them the more likely they are to do it. Teenagers love to rebel. Most people who experiment dabble a little then eventually leave it behind. When I have children I will tell them drugs are best avoided but if they are going to do it then they need to be smart. That wouldn’t apply to super hard drugs like meth and heroin obviously but im expecting them to at least be curious about coke and mdma. That encourages open and honest conversation meaning im kept in the loop with no need to worry too much. I knew a girl who was incredibly open about experimenting when talking to her mother and she said she appreciated her mum treating her like an adult and having a dialogue with her. Because of this she only did mdma occasionally and didn’t feel the need to go crazy. That’s what I want for my kids should they choose to dabble

I would have found myself in lots of bad situations if I didn’t know not to overhydrate myself whilst on MDMA for example

Do you really think it was your knowledge of your hydration levels that meant you stayed out of bad situations, or was it you were just lucky your body didn’t react to the MDMA and trigger SIADH?

How do you know you weren’t overhydrating or even underhydrating when you have no way of knowing how much you took, so how can you know how much water is the appropriate amount.

Nothing to do with knowledge. You were just lucky.

Lots of people do do them in my experience, I didn’t but wasn’t pressured by those that did. It was even more prevalent at uni where apart from me, everyone on my course was privately educated. Huge piles of coke that my friends from home would have never afforded.

Working in student welfare in Halls at a RG Uni I would say yes, most do! Not as many hang ups about drug use as when I grew up in the late 90's. Freely available and very much a social norm. Not saying I condone drug use, but have spent many hours looking after students who have 'fallen down a k hole' or taken too much MDMA...

Me and all my friends did but not really until our early 20's. Pills were expensive back then!

I never did. But I went to a "posh" uni and the ones who did were the private school kids with a) money and b) newfound freedom!

Not my experience with my DD's, dd1 actually reported people in her sixth form and the police raided the lockers, multiple kids got thrown out. They are both anti (illegal) drugs. Dd2 competes semi professionally at sport and has random drug tests.

DS is 18. His friends smoke cigarettes. He doesn't. I don't know about drugs - I suspect there is some drug use although don't know how much. I don't think he uses drugs but I can't be sure of course.

Firstly, isn't 'everyone does it' the classic teenager line about everything?

Secondly, I've done plenty of drugs in my life and my parents don't know a thing about any of it, I would imagine the vast majority of people who have taken drugs haven't told their parents about it.

It wasn't common when I was a suburban teen, nor at uni but then I didn't go to a city uni. I only started noticing lots of people taking drugs when I had the money to go to festivals and then when I moved to a city and got a job in my 20s.

Should add mine are very strongly against smoking too, but they do drink, dd1 was pretty sensible dd2 however had to be sneaked back into her boarding house past the house master at school because she was so worse for wear, they also regularly climbed through gaps in the fence and went to the local university haunts underage ... don't want you to think they are that holier than thou!

I think the fact that you yourself took drugs (and your husband too) means it was pretty likely your kids were also going to end up taking drugs too. I say this without judgement but you obviously don’t see that much wrong with it (which is your prerogative) so wouldn’t have prioritised ensuring your kids never touched the stuff. My mum and dad were extremely passionate about about how dangerous drugs (and smoking and drinking!) were when we were growing up and would never have ‘dabbled’ themselves. As a result I have never tried drugs, at school or when I moved to a big city for uni. I’ve never even smoked a cigarette and I’m not a big drinker at all. In fact, I find it a bit sad that people feel the need to medicate themselves or alter their consciousness in order to enjoy themselves. I love to go out and dance and enjoy myself but usually do so completely sober. My DH’s family call me ‘good value’ 😂
Anyway, when my children are older drug taking will absolutely be the hill I die on. I wouldn’t find it ‘a bit concerning’ I would be absolutely livid and they would never get another penny from me if that’s what they were going to spend it on. I think it just depends how strongly you feel about it. You obviously don’t feel that strongly as you did it yourself so I think it’s only natural that your kids wouldn’t see it as that big a deal?

I think most teenagers are exposed to weed on some level, but I would be surprised if 'most' were doing harder stuff. MDMA was popular when I was a teenager but not until around 18/19 (we had Whatsapp etc then) and it was difficult to do much because we couldn't afford it. Basically I think some exposure to drugs is normal, but doing them regularly isn't.

No not normal.

I never knew anyone who did drugs in my teens, except for smoking weed and that was the "rough" kids - huge overlap between the group of weed/cigarette smokers and poverty, low academic attainment, teen pregnancies etc. I was aware of a couple of people who apparently did ketamine or coke at university but never actually saw it happen. I am sure there are social circles where it's normalised, I wasnt in them and neither was DH.

@User839516
Sorry that my children and I aren’t ‘good enough value’ for you! My parents (as were DH’s now that I think of it) were both very anti drugs and excessive drinking. Yet we both still experimented.

Do you have the same extreme reaction to heavy drinking?

@gogohm
Is there a back story around the people your DD reported? If not it seems a bit mean of her. Surely if she was genuinely worried for them, she should have spoken to a member of the pastoral team?

@DelurkingAJ

I went to sixth form at the kind of privileged school I suspect these children are at. There were two or three groups where drugs were the norm. But they were probably a third of the school. And they’re the groups that were either now ridiculously successful (mainly in the creative industries) or went badly of the rails in their early 20s. The rest of us neither smoked nor did any drugs (some of that changed for some of those people at uni). Alcohol, on the other hand, was universal.

^^. This is the situation at DD’s (16) school. There are a couple of groups who regularly vape, smoke weed and possibly take pills. DD isn’t in those social groups and is pretty open about what she’s experimented with so far, because she knows I won’t go ballistic. She’s vaped ( didn’t like it), tried a joint, and had a few cans of cider. That’s about it.

You haven’t failed, OP, your children are going to experiment at some point. Just talk about it openly with them and emphasize the dangers of binge drinking, taking an unknown pill, etc. I’ve told DD about people I knew back in ye olden days (the 1990’s 🤣) who had their stomachs pumped, puked all over themselves, wet themselves, etc. so she’s aware of what can happen.

Neither teen has been to a big party; they both have had small gatherings at each other’s houses with pizza etc. For my 17 yo’s birthday he had sushi and played board games and we got them some Buck’s Fizz. They had a bit of drink at a family wedding and dd was a bit giggly. I’d know if they were drunk or had been smoking it’s not hard to smell! I know, very tame. They also work hard at school and talk about their favourite subjects etc.
I’m saying this as someone who drank cider in car parks as a teen etc and still enjoys a drink.

@OfstedOffred
Hmm. I really don’t have a problem with people looking down on drugs, I understand why. But let’s not let it turn into classist sentiments. My DD and her friends are mostly upper middle class and the kids on bursaries at her school are a lot more sensible than she is.

@gogohm that was unkind of your daughter. All those lives disrupted before uni because they were curious and experimenting. I would not be pleased if my child did that.

@Karwomannghia
Alright, that makes sense. Your DC sound lovely.

I used to work in pastoral care for a very large, city-based, Russell Group university, including a live-in stint in Halls. I don't think "most" is right - maybe 25%, even including weed? It's hard to be discreet about when you're intoxicated, so I don't think it was that lots of them were hiding it well.

The perception of use is likely to be skewed, in that either you're in a drug using peer group or you're not, so either most people are doing it, or no-one is IYSWIM.

[quote Oslosunshine]@OfstedOffred
Hmm. I really don’t have a problem with people looking down on drugs, I understand why. But let’s not let it turn into classist sentiments. My DD and her friends are mostly upper middle class and the kids on bursaries at her school are a lot more sensible than she is.[/quote]
I think there is a class element actually. I think drugs are more prevalent at either end of the socioeconomic spectrum - so more rich kids doing drugs and more kids from deprived backgrounds doing drugs, but fewer kids in the middle. I have no idea why that might be but it's what I have observed over many years of working with young people.

I would say yes. I work with teens most do drugs. And most drugs are safer than alcohol eg mdna makes people friendly doesn't lead to fights etc

Just educate her. Not much else you can do really

Teach her that never to have more than half a pill at a time.

That way if there is anything dodgy in it she will be safer

@Mandofan

I’m not convinced that all teenagers that are told not to do drugs will rebel against it. I never touched drugs, nor did my husband, and we share a strong view that they are harmful. We both chose friends and social groups that don’t use drugs. We are also yhe type of people that would never want to support the criminal trade in drugs, and I cared about the moral side when I was young too. Teenagers do care about these things, maybe not all of them, but some do care a lot.

I am not completely naive. My brother has a drug problem and his life as an adult is ruined. His drug taking when he was younger was probably consistent with teenagers experimenting, but when he was an adult with more complex problems he used drugs to escape them and the party drugs became more serious ones. I wonder if he had never touched the party ones if his life would be completely different now. He is a terrible shell of a person and I blame drugs for it.

I can’t imagine a world where I will ever be supportive or understanding about any form of drug taking and I feel it is my role to teach my children boundaries. It is so complicated and I am also very aware that I don’t hold the authority on this and other parents are looking to do their best in different ways.