Kids last names

[NamingmaBabbies]

Getting married, keeping our last names, discussing last names for kids.

I’m perfectly happy for the kids to double barrel our last names. The names are both short and work well together. However, if they only get one last name, it’s going to be mine, as I’m doing all the heavy lifting. The idea of carrying and giving birth to a child and then giving them someone else’s last name doesn’t appeal to me in the slightest.

He doesn’t want to double barrel (he’s English, I’m not, and it would appear that a lot of English people have hang ups about double barrelling?), but would be sad if any future kids don’t have his name. I’m of the opinion that I’d be sad if they didn’t have my name, I’ve offered a sensible solution (double barrelling) and if he refuses that then he’s creating his own sadness.

He’s an otherwise reasonable feminist man. We had this conversation, in abstract, when we first started dating. And he was totally in agreement with me, at the time. Now that things are getting ‘real’, as it were, he’s rather less happy.

YABU: kids should have his name because…please give me your reasons.

YANBU: his name isn’t more important than yours. Double barrel or go with your name.

YANBU. You’ve suggested double barrelled and he’s the one saying no to it, he’s creating this problem.

YANBU at all.

You have offered a sensible compromise.

What has he offered?

Definitely your name - or double barrel if you like. You're the one doing the hard work of gestating and birthing the baby!

So what he’s basically saying is it should just be his name no questions asked. YANBU. I understand he would be upset not to share a name with his child but the only fair solution to that is a double barrelled surname that he’s turned his nose up to.

Can you meld your names together and create a new surname?

As someone double barrelled it I don't particularly like it.

If he refuses to double barrel then his name as a middle name and yours as the lone surname.

I can see both sides. I realise it is old fashioned but having one person change their surname so that there is a shared family name does work.

@RandomMess

Can you meld your names together and create a new surname?

As someone double barrelled it I don't particularly like it.

If he refuses to double barrel then his name as a middle name and yours as the lone surname.

I would be perfectly happy with any of those solutions. He would not.

Double barrelled is a fair compromise. I do think a child's name should have both their parents' surnames in this scenario. Other options are his as a middle name of both as surnames but no hyphen.

Presumably he thinks their surname should be his and his alone then.

I would ask him why he thinks this is fair. As is pointed out on these sorts of threads, it is traditional for a child to have their mother's surname - often this is the same as the fathers as it was tradition to change to his name upon marriage.

@WarmWinterSun

I can see both sides. I realise it is old fashioned but having one person change their surname so that there is a shared family name does work.

Neither of us cares about a shared family name. We have no desire to take the other person’s name or have the other person take ours.

Kids have your surname, and it would be nice to use his as a middle name.
Or they double-barrel.
Or he changes his surname to yours so the whole family has the same.

What is his reasoning for doing differently?

@SoupDragon I have asked! He has no actual answer, as I don’t think there really is one.

You can not dictate how he feels, just as you would feel sad to not use your last name, so would he, and he doesn't feel like double barrelled is using his name. I personally don't like them, and find in most cases where it is namea-nameb then nameb is used more than the full double barrelled name. I also like having the same last name of my kids, so as long as it is the same as mine I couldn't care less what it actually is. Perhaps work on why you both so feel protective to something that doesn't actually define who you are ;)

In this case the solution would be to create a new last name for all of you to share - thus making you both sad ;)

@FlorenceinSummer I’m not trying to dictate how he feels, though? I’m just not allowing his feelings to dictate our children’s last name.

And you may not attach any importance to your last name, but we clearly do. Things aren’t required to ‘define who you are’ to be important.

I can see that he might be against double-barrelling the kids' names. That's fair enough, though it sounds like it would be OK in your case. (Short names which go together well)

But is he saying he would not be OK with your kids having your surname? What is that about? Especially as he has "no desire to have another person take his"?

OP, is he this unwilling to consider your feelings and point of view about other things, or just this?

We weren't married when we had our dc and they have my then dps, now dhs name. It meant a great deal to him (I think at least in part because he didn't want to be mistaken for someone other than their dad)and didn't to me. It sounds like this is important to you so I think the compromises you've suggested are perfectly fair.

It's tradition in the uk that kids have their dads surname, whilst he might be fine with you not changing your name, he can still be sad (irrationally) about his kids not having his name. How about his surname as a second middle name? I kind of get his reservations about double barrelling.

I think you are being reasonable but him feeling sad is also reasonable.

@gogohm

It's tradition in the uk that kids have their dads surname, whilst he might be fine with you not changing your name, he can still be sad (irrationally) about his kids not having his name. How about his surname as a second middle name? I kind of get his reservations about double barrelling.

I think you are being reasonable but him feeling sad is also reasonable.

Actually, it's tradition that the children have their mother's surname.

If the parents are married then usually this means it is also their father's surname. But not always.

@babyjellyfish

OP, is he this unwilling to consider your feelings and point of view about other things, or just this?

Generally a considerate and thoughtful sweetheart. This specific issue is making him act a bit odd. We’re not rowing or anything, but it’s the first time in seven years that we haven’t been able to have a rational conversation about something and find a solution.

Neither of us cares about a shared family name. We have no desire to take the other person’s name or have the other person take ours.

He clearly does!

Generally a considerate and thoughtful sweetheart. This specific issue is making him act a bit odd. We’re not rowing or anything, but it’s the first time in seven years that we haven’t been able to have a rational conversation about something and find a solution.

Fair enough.

He needs to do some soul searching and try to articulate why he feels this way, and why he thinks it's any less legitimate for you to feel the same way.

@Bergamotte I honestly don’t know.

[quote NamingmaBabbies]@FlorenceinSummer I’m not trying to dictate how he feels, though? I’m just not allowing his feelings to dictate our children’s last name.

And you may not attach any importance to your last name, but we clearly do. Things aren’t required to ‘define who you are’ to be important.[/quote]
From your posts it seems like you are totally ignoring his feelings on the matter to meet yours whilst asking strangers to justify his feelings (YABU) you are happy to use your name but not his, he is not happy to use yours or a combination, so you are "dictating" the name for your children (YANBU). If you both aren't willing to change is this a hill you are both willing to die on?

@tfresh

> Neither of us cares about a shared family name. We have no desire to take the other person’s name or have the other person take ours.

He clearly does!

We are not seeking to create a shared family name. We both want the kids to have our last names. Neither of us wants our partner to have our last name.