Kids last names

[NamingmaBabbies]

Getting married, keeping our last names, discussing last names for kids.

I’m perfectly happy for the kids to double barrel our last names. The names are both short and work well together. However, if they only get one last name, it’s going to be mine, as I’m doing all the heavy lifting. The idea of carrying and giving birth to a child and then giving them someone else’s last name doesn’t appeal to me in the slightest.

He doesn’t want to double barrel (he’s English, I’m not, and it would appear that a lot of English people have hang ups about double barrelling?), but would be sad if any future kids don’t have his name. I’m of the opinion that I’d be sad if they didn’t have my name, I’ve offered a sensible solution (double barrelling) and if he refuses that then he’s creating his own sadness.

He’s an otherwise reasonable feminist man. We had this conversation, in abstract, when we first started dating. And he was totally in agreement with me, at the time. Now that things are getting ‘real’, as it were, he’s rather less happy.

YABU: kids should have his name because…please give me your reasons.

YANBU: his name isn’t more important than yours. Double barrel or go with your name.

Oh and yes - put your surname last

From what I’ve gathered from the baby names board, it’s hyphenated first names that people think are, to use your word, common. I’ve never heard anyone describe double-barelled names that way.

YANBU! What you say makes total sense and I am sure if your DP really interrogates his thinking he will come to the same
Conclusion.

I am sure his inability to talk rationally is because it’s been ingrained in him since he was born that his children will have his name and his name alone (way more sexist that expecting a woman to take his name IMO).

If he really is a feminist he’ll need to unpick this. I hope he does, sounds like you have a good thing!

@Footnote

From what I’ve gathered from the baby names board, it’s hyphenated first names that people think are, to use your word, common. I’ve never heard anyone describe double-barelled names that way.

Haven't you? It's not an unusual view.

Do what my 1960s hippy parents did and choose a whole new family name together.

Exact same thing happened with my DC's. He wasn't very happy but ultimately it was my name only or double barrel. At one point he did come out with the whole 'it's traditional' and he was the last male to 'carry the name'. What about my name and we are going down the traditional route then I'll just stay at home and he can go to work and pay all the bills A load of rubbish.

I let him choose which name came first and now he really isn't bothered at all and quite happy

@luckylavender if you mean the last surname is the more important one of two double barrelled names, then one of us has to have it. I think that as I went through the physical risks of pregnancy and birth, I was and still am the primary carer (breast fed, reduced my working hours), that if one of us has to have more weighting then it's going to be me. Fortunately DP agrees, and as his name is important to him too our child has both, with mine at the end

@OnlyAFleshWound

If he won't double barrel, then they have your name. His choice.

My kids are double barrelled fwiw. I wouldn't marry a man who refused this - his 'feminism' is fake

I’d generally completely agree with you. He’s coming across as a bit of a fake feminist about this, but as it really is only this, hopefully we can unpick it and deal with it. From what pp have said about their husbands, there’s clearly a lot to unpick!

@Totallyanonymousplease

YANBU! What you say makes total sense and I am sure if your DP really interrogates his thinking he will come to the same Conclusion.

I am sure his inability to talk rationally is because it’s been ingrained in him since he was born that his children will have his name and his name alone (way more sexist that expecting a woman to take his name IMO).

If he really is a feminist he’ll need to unpick this. I hope he does, sounds like you have a good thing!

Thank you. I very much hope so, as well.

Double barrelling is so tacky and you are just passing on a problem to the next generation.

I'd normally say tradition says it should be the woman if unmarried but as your married then either works. So pick the one that sounds the best- easy to spell, not super common and goes well with the first name.

@JustWonderingIfYou I don’t think double barrelling is tacky and millions of people have done it for generations. The ‘next generation’ has always managed just fine. My views on that aren’t going to change because a handful of Brits have some issues with the concept.

Your second paragraph indicates that you have misunderstood the question being asked in the OP.

The problem with double-barreling is that it is not sustainable across generations or really even two. Sally Smith-Davies-Walker-Jones is quite the name.

DH and I early on in the process let go of the idea that any kids we had all needed to have the same surname. That opened up a lot of options for how we handled things. We ended up only having one, but we didn’t know that at the time.

Our ground rules were

1. whatever we did has to be repeatable by future generations if they choose
2. accepts the idea that a name belongs to a person from birth and changing it is not the default so we can’t choose a name that necessitates shortening
3. is not biased in favor of the maternal or paternal surname

We thought about a coin flip. This could have been for all children or on a child by child basis.

That didn’t have the potential generational gravitas we wanted, so we decided that girls would get my name and boys would get his. It’s simple, and while not truly random due to genetics, it’s something that is out of our control and an unknown.

We have no idea what our child will choose to do with any potential grandchildren and that is perfectly fine. We just wanted something that could be followed if desired.

@Blossom64265 Again, millions of people have double barrelled for generations. It’s definitely sustainable and very much the norm in a lot of countries. Even in this thread, people have explained how it generally works.

I’m glad you found a solution that works for you. It wouldn’t work for us.

It isn’t sustainable because it requires that some of the names be dropped in the future.

2 names become 4
4 become 8
8 to 16
16 to 32

It’s only sustainable if you don’t believe the whole surname is the new real surname.

OP, I think you need to emphasise the fact that you're not from the UK in your discussions with your fiancé too.

It's not just about your name; it's about your culture too. You want your kids' name to reflect both their cultures.

@Blossom64265 It isn’t sustainable if you believe that the sustainability of a naming convention is vested in the continuation of all names in their entirety. However no naming conventions in existence currently manage (or aim for) the continuation of every ancestors’ name in perpetuity.

If that’s what you’re aiming for, fine. That’s not what I’m aiming for or the generally accepted measure of sustainability in this context.

YANBU
I am not married to my partner and our child has my surname - I'm always surprised when women give their child a different surname to their own but I guess the patriarchy runs deep!

My partner of 25 years has no problem with this but his family weren't best pleased and still address post to my dd using his surname!

@babyjellyfish Very true. That is a massive factor. My kids will not be White British. Their having a last name, or part of a last name, that links to their specific cultural heritage is something that is very important to me.

I’m very happy for them to have his fairly standard English last name as well, but certainly not on its own.

@snog That would seriously piss me off. If anyone tries that, I will get very cross indeed.

[quote NamingmaBabbies]@babyjellyfish Very true. That is a massive factor. My kids will not be White British. Their having a last name, or part of a last name, that links to their specific cultural heritage is something that is very important to me.

I’m very happy for them to have his fairly standard English last name as well, but certainly not on its own.[/quote]
I'm British but live abroad and this was one of the reasons why I didn't change my name on marriage, even though my name is difficult to spell and pronounce here. Changing it would have felt like losing my culture as well.

My son doesn't have my surname but he has a version of my surname as his first name.

[quote NamingmaBabbies]@babyjellyfish Very true. That is a massive factor. My kids will not be White British. Their having a last name, or part of a last name, that links to their specific cultural heritage is something that is very important to me.

I’m very happy for them to have his fairly standard English last name as well, but certainly not on its own.[/quote]
This was part of my reasoning as well. I'm also not White British (although I personally am British-born).

However, I think it holds equally for all women - perhaps it's just more obvious if you would be erasing half of your child's heritage and ethnicity as well as half of its parentage.

However, I think it holds equally for all women - perhaps it's just more obvious if you would be erasing half of your child's heritage and ethnicity as well as half of its parentage

Yes to all of this.

@SickAndTiredAgain

YANBU. You’ve suggested double barrelled and he’s the one saying no to it, he’s creating this problem.

Agree with this.

I am currently pregnant, unmarried so we both have our own surnames and I wouldn't take DP's even if we did marry. He is also not keen on double-barrelling, although I would do it.

I am not too bothered, so happy for the child to have my name as a middle name prior to his surname, so that I am represented there. I would not give it his surname and not mine at all given that I will never share that name.

I don’t think there is a right or wrong answer.

My DCs are double barrelled, we made the decision together, even though it makes their already long names longer, but we didn’t really care or take into account the length of their names. I have an extremely long name and it never bothered me.

Reason for double barreling were dc was named after 2 important family members, one from each side of the family, I really wanted her to have both my family members names. DH was happy with double barreling as long as he had the option of his surname being included, my surname is very common his is not and none of his siblings or cousins were carrying on the family name, he was literally the last one to do it. Had he had a common surname I don’t think he would have cared. I really wasn’t fussed about the DCs having my name other than my first because of who she was named after. We wernt married at the time either so it also made sense to have both names, but as I said it wasn’t my maid reason.

My SIL double barrelled her dcs for similar reasons 30 years ago, she was an only child and the only chance to carry on her not so common surname. My DB didn’t care, as I said our surname is common and we come from a big family so I doubt it’s ever going to die out. My DN has now shortened her name to just her DMs family name, it dosnt bother my DB at all.

I can understand why people want to carry on their family names, it’s not just a male thing. I also don’t think it’s an English hang up, DB and I are 1st gen English but my DH & SIL are both very English and have no problems with double barreling.

I am not too bothered, so happy for the child to have my name as a middle name prior to his surname, so that I am represented there. I would not give it his surname and not mine at all given that I will never share that name.

If I were you, based on many years of reading this site as well as many friends/family in real life, I would do it the other way round. His name as a middle name, yours as the surname. It's the default anyway.