Kids last names

[NamingmaBabbies]

Getting married, keeping our last names, discussing last names for kids.

I’m perfectly happy for the kids to double barrel our last names. The names are both short and work well together. However, if they only get one last name, it’s going to be mine, as I’m doing all the heavy lifting. The idea of carrying and giving birth to a child and then giving them someone else’s last name doesn’t appeal to me in the slightest.

He doesn’t want to double barrel (he’s English, I’m not, and it would appear that a lot of English people have hang ups about double barrelling?), but would be sad if any future kids don’t have his name. I’m of the opinion that I’d be sad if they didn’t have my name, I’ve offered a sensible solution (double barrelling) and if he refuses that then he’s creating his own sadness.

He’s an otherwise reasonable feminist man. We had this conversation, in abstract, when we first started dating. And he was totally in agreement with me, at the time. Now that things are getting ‘real’, as it were, he’s rather less happy.

YABU: kids should have his name because…please give me your reasons.

YANBU: his name isn’t more important than yours. Double barrel or go with your name.

Just double barrel without a hyphen. He will come round. These sort of things test our own assumptions for sure.

What about christening/baptism? That’s another one that can throw a spanner in the works. Are you on the same page there?

We were in the same situation: DH is English, I'm not - two children, both kept our last names. DC have double-barreled last names. DH felt a bit funny about it at first but now doesn't care. Nobody else seems to care either, including DH's family.

I'm British and live in Portugal my kids are half Brit half Portuguese. It is standard here for both surnames to be used. When I tell them that women traditionally lose their surname once they marry the students (I teach) are horrifie'd, and ask why on Earth would you lose your name for your husband's? Most Portuguese (not all) have about 4 surnames from grandparents and parents. It makes far more sense to me for official use to have mine and the dad's surnames on my kids documents. Day to day they just use their dad's name, but they are very aware of their complete name as are all the kids in the schools. I would suggest to him to add his name but yours is the day to day name

Have you discussed other aspects of parenting op? It does seem odd that this is something you can't find a solution to when double barrolling seems such an obvious one that you'd happy with.

@FlorenceinSummer I’m not ‘totally ignoring his feelings’. I’ve stated what they are. However, I do not consider them to be more important than my feelings. I have offered compromises and he has not.

You’re using oddly dramatic language. It’s not a hill anyone is going to die on. It’s a disagreement with my long term partner which will be resolved fairly amicably at some point. I’m interested in the views of other women on this topic, so I posted on MN.

YANBU

That was the choice I gave DS' dad. It's double barrelled or mine. My name is of equal value to his plus I'm doing the heavy lifting, so if anyone should get it it should be me.

DS has both of ours (with mine at the end, so if it gets shortened it's to mine 😁).

@DoubleHelix79

We were in the same situation: DH is English, I'm not - two children, both kept our last names. DC have double-barreled last names. DH felt a bit funny about it at first but now doesn't care. Nobody else seems to care either, including DH's family.

Ah, excellent!

@roarfeckingroarr

@Bergamotte

Kids have your surname, and it would be nice to use his as a middle name. Or they double-barrel. Or he changes his surname to yours so the whole family has the same.

What is his reasoning for doing differently?

This

My kids have my name. Was I bugger going to be questioned if they are my children when travelling etc after growing and birthing them.

@MushroomQueen

I'm British and live in Portugal my kids are half Brit half Portuguese. It is standard here for both surnames to be used. When I tell them that women traditionally lose their surname once they marry the students (I teach) are horrifie'd, and ask why on Earth would you lose your name for your husband's? Most Portuguese (not all) have about 4 surnames from grandparents and parents. It makes far more sense to me for official use to have mine and the dad's surnames on my kids documents. Day to day they just use their dad's name, but they are very aware of their complete name as are all the kids in the schools. I would suggest to him to add his name but yours is the day to day name

Yes, the complete loss of the mother’s last name in the U.K. is so strange to me! I was so baffled by it when I moved here. I think people here don’t realise how alien a concept that is in a lot of cultures.

Don’t worry @NamingmaBabbies, there’s always that poster on a thread who is prepared to be irrational for the sake of arguing.

It sounds like you’re at an impasse with your H, but as you’re the one who grows and births the child, and also the only one willing to compromise with a double barrelling, then you are very much not being unreasonable.

Our kids have my last name, we weren’t married when we had them and it was very important to me to share that with them. My (now) DH wasn’t very attached to his name so was fine with that. We both kept our own surnames when we married.

My brother and sister in law chose a brand new surname when they had kids (again pre wedding).

So really choices should be
Double barrel
His surname as a middle name
Your surname only
Brand new surname

@InDubiousBattle We’re on the same page re parenting in general. He also currently does more than his share of domestic labour, so - unless he’s been running a long con for many many years - no worries regarding the work split.

@KimDeals Neither of us is religious, so no baptism.

[quote NamingmaBabbies]@FlorenceinSummer I’m not trying to dictate how he feels, though? I’m just not allowing his feelings to dictate our children’s last name.

And you may not attach any importance to your last name, but we clearly do. Things aren’t required to ‘define who you are’ to be important.[/quote]
But he feels the same as you. It's important to him too and you don't seem able to recognise that.

YANBU.

My pro-feminist, otherwise progressive DH was the same as yours and we argued throughout the pregnancy. I told him I am not a brood-mare for someone else's family tree, these are my children from my body and I wanted to share my name with them. Mine alone, mine double-barrelled or all of us have a new one - just like you.

His issue was a hangover from his childhood with a distant and uninvolved father. "The name is how you know who people's Dads are. Everyone knows the Mums."

He eventually agreed to double barrelled and within a few months it was so normal he never thought about it.

I prefer to have a shared family name but both of your feelings are entirely valid.

You’ve offered solutions and he has not and there’s no reason why his feelings should trump yours and vice versa.

I don’t like double barrel but if we were in this situation we’d use both surnames. So Baby first name baby middle name (if wanted) surname surname.

@roarfeckingroarr

YANBU

That was the choice I gave DS' dad. It's double barrelled or mine. My name is of equal value to his plus I'm doing the heavy lifting, so if anyone should get it it should be me.

DS has both of ours (with mine at the end, so if it gets shortened it's to mine 😁).

But in this situation you are not giving both names equal importance. You are saying that your name is more important.

@luckylavender I fully recognise that it’s important to him. I stated that in the OP.

However, I do not think that what’s important to him is more important than what’s important to me. We are of equal importance. As such, I have offered a compromise. He has not.

Double barrelled names can feel posh in the UK so someone who doesn’t feel posh themselves could feel weird about giving a double barrelled name to their children.
We did both surnames, no hyphen, no middle name (so they don’t have any more names than anyone else).
Another option is to give one child your surname and a second child his surname.

@Footnote

Double barrelled names can feel posh in the UK so someone who doesn’t feel posh themselves could feel weird about giving a double barrelled name to their children. We did both surnames, no hyphen, no middle name (so they don’t have any more names than anyone else). Another option is to give one child your surname and a second child his surname.

I think double barrelled names are both ends of the class structure. Really posh or really common.

YANBU we have this exact situation in our house (except DH always agreed it was the best option) we each have our own names, children have double barrelled.

I was in the position of you - if anyone refused to accept a joint name it would be mine and mine alone.

Any man who undermines the importance of a child carrying the mother’s identity is not a man you should be having a child with; more importantly not a man whose name you should give to said child.

@SpiderVersed It’s weird how these things rear their heads in adulthood, isn’t it?

We’ll probably end up with double barrelled, with or without a hyphen, as it’s fairest. Glad to hear it’s worked out for you.

Baby’s last name will be yours as that is the name they are identified with at birth on the medical records that are created.
They will be first name your name until you register them and decide any different.

So your suggestion of double barrelling is basically the only option your DH gets because you don’t want to CHANGE the surname of your child which they automatically get at birth.

As with the poster above in Portugal lets say

Anna Banana Apple marries Tom Tomato

She can choose to be Anna Banana Apple Tomato and the children will be Apple Tomato only

then when the children grow they can decide to be Apple Tomato, use Tomato only or do a combination

I did that

full name is Name Name Surname1 Surname2, married and became Name Name Surname1 Surname2 MarriedSurname and the children are

Name Name Surname2 MarriedSurname

but NO DOUBLE BARRELING - just actual two surnames

If he won't double barrel, then they have your name. His choice.

My kids are double barrelled fwiw. I wouldn't marry a man who refused this - his 'feminism' is fake