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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Have I been ungrateful/irrational?

92 replies

Ineedhelp1981 · 16/02/2022 16:52

Hi guys. First time posting in the AIBU section.

Just want to get an idea of whether I was irrational/ungrateful

My DP and I have been together for almost a year and it's our first Valentine's.
Two weeks ago, my DP said to me that we needed to go out and get my Valentine's present as he's not going to have any time on the actual day (new job). We went out for a few hours and he bought me a lovely perfume. I really did appreciate it. However, we had an argument that very night (I didn't like the way he spoke to me) and it made me ask him whether this relationship was going to work (a bit dramatic, I know but I was upset). He was so upset and angry that we had just spent a lovely day buying presents and now, I was questioning the relationship.
We made up and that weekend, he bought me a couple more gifts.

Fast forward to Monday (Valentine's Day). I was at home as it's half term for me. He was working around where we live so he quickly popped in to say Happy Valentine's Day and give me a kiss. In the evening, he walks in, turns on the tv to what he wanted to watch, plays on his phone without really acknowledging me at all. Didn't engage much in conversation. I was a bit upset and I told him so. Again, he got upset saying that he had done everything possible (buy me gifts beforehand, come in to say Happy Valentine's Day etc) and I'm still not happy. He is now wondering if being ungrateful is my pattern of behaviour and now he's questioning our relationship.
To be honest, I really got caught out with social media and looking at what effort guys had done for their partners, wives etc that maybe I have been unfair
I do feel, however, that because he has bought me gifts, he feels that I'm not allowed to expect anything more from him (conversation, a bit of engagement on the day, maybe watch a movie together)
Have I asked for too much? Have I been really ungrateful?

I am happy for ALL responses. Please feel free to be as straightforward as you want (I know you will☺️❤️)

OP posts:

ChrimboGateauxCatto · 16/02/2022 16:55

Comparison is the thief of joy. Maybe look at love languages, you might both have different love language needs?

Nadjahomesoil · 16/02/2022 16:58

I think it's dangerous to focus on Valentine's Day as an indicator of importance in your relationship.

Is he a good partner in general all year round?

What were you expecting from him on Valentine's Day? What did you do for him to make it special?

Original poster

Ineedhelp1981 · 16/02/2022 16:58

Thank you for your response @ChrimboGateauxCatto. Funny you should say this, I spoke to him about love languages just last week. His is definitely gifts and I think he's projected that onto me. My love language is definitely touch and words. Not sure if he really understands though 😫

OP posts:

octoberbundle · 16/02/2022 16:59

To be honest sounds like you're being a bit OTT, he bought you presents, came out of his way whilst at work etc. did you do anything for him? And in reality, does it matter, are you just getting sucked into the "Valentine's Day" mentality??

GabriellaMontez · 16/02/2022 17:02

You don't live together? You've been together less than a year.

He came round, put on the TV and played on his phone?

This wouldn't work for me. Valentines day or not. Perhaps this is the sort of relationship he wants. What do you want? Tell him. He may be able to rise to the challenge but I'd not, best to find out sooner than later.

Gifts are a separate issue. Perfume is nice. As an extra.

Original poster

Ineedhelp1981 · 16/02/2022 17:03

@Nadjahomesoil

I think it's dangerous to focus on Valentine's Day as an indicator of importance in your relationship.

Is he a good partner in general all year round?

What were you expecting from him on Valentine's Day? What did you do for him to make it special?

You're so right. I realise that. He is a good partner. The thing we argue about the most is his bluntness and straightforwardness. It can come come across harsh and he's not the most romantic person. I guess I wanted a bit more engagement conversationally, maybe movie and a cuddle? I took him out to dinner the night before and bought him a new jacket for his new job.

OP posts:

TheMooch · 16/02/2022 17:03

So Monday was his first day in a new job? Perhaps his focus was on that. Maybe that was his priority - he had made sure you'd got a gift you'd really like. And never compare with social media... you only see a teeny snapshot of their life.

If he ignores you all the time then get rid.

caranations · 16/02/2022 17:05

In the evening, he walks in, turns on the tv to what he wanted to watch, plays on his phone without really acknowledging me at all

I wouldn't put up with anyone treating me and my home with such disdain.

lunar1 · 16/02/2022 17:06

He told you in advance he didn't have time in the day. He spent time beforehand with you, got you gifts. He was probably going through all the new job emotions over the weekend and just wanted to unwind after his first day!

I'll be honest I feel sorry for him and don't think he did anything wrong.

AryaStarkWolf · 16/02/2022 17:06

Sounds like he thinks because he buys you stuff you can't ever have an issue with how he speaks to you/treats you. Bit of a weird way to be after a less than a year together as well, the dynamic feels a bit off to me from the information you've given

EKGEMS · 16/02/2022 17:10

His lack of manners make him seem like a Neanderthal! I mean who walks into the house without an hello or anything? If you feel he's a good partner as you say then tell him to stop acting like a caveman!

Imsittinginthekitchensink · 16/02/2022 17:14

I'm not a great one for love languages, but it would appear you are cross he isn't accommodating yours, while complaining about his. 'Movie and a cuddle' sounds shit, but I'm not one for deep and meaningfuls.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 16/02/2022 17:14

I wouldn't expect my partner to ignore me while playing on his phone when he comes round to mine whether it's Valentine's Day or not. However the fact that it was Valentine's Day doesn't make it inherently worse.

LuaDipa · 16/02/2022 17:14

I don’t think you are being ungrateful, I think his behaviour on Valentine’s Day is a symptom of a deeper issue. A few gifts doesn’t make it acceptable for him to walk in and completely ignore you. It’s only been a year so this isn’t going to get any better. I’d be looking to offload this one.

Original poster

Ineedhelp1981 · 16/02/2022 17:15

Thank you guys for all your responses. It's a mixed bag.

We don't live together yet. I was there for 10 days until yesterday. We do have conversations and often a good laugh in the evening and when I'm not there, he will call, video call etc. He does love his 'downtime' though which consists of watching his favourite programmes on YouTube and that can take up some evenings but we do watch movies together when I come for weekends. However, I felt like he didn't bother to make enough effort. But maybe I got caught up with Valentines Day.

OP posts:

AryaStarkWolf · 16/02/2022 17:17

@LuaDipa

Yeah, it's kind of like "I bought you stuff so that should keep you quiet" Like buying a "pass" to treat you shittily(?)

TheMooch · 16/02/2022 17:17

He came to see you in the morning before his 1st day at work... I think that's lovely. You've said he's not a big romantic, if you need romance you need to find someone else.

Original poster

Ineedhelp1981 · 16/02/2022 17:18

Sorry guys, he did say hello when he came in in the evening but that was about it. I guess I wanted a bit more.

OP posts:

Midlifemusings · 16/02/2022 17:19

What did you do for him for Valentine's Day? What had you planned for a romantic evening together?

If his love language is gifts - what gifts did you get him to show you 'get' his love language?

Runmybathforme · 16/02/2022 17:19

I wouldn't be happy with my partner if he behaved this way, regardless of the occasion. Just rude. The fact he bought you gifts is irrelevant, he could have engaged with you in some way.

CrimbleCrumble1 · 16/02/2022 17:20

I think he sounds like he’s a good man. Mondays are busy for most people and he’d already told you he’d be busy. You were off Monday and he wasn’t.
Time to step away from social media. You could have arranged something at the weekend if Valentine’s is so important to you.

AryaStarkWolf · 16/02/2022 17:20

Just read your update, so it's his house and you'd been staying there the last 10 days? maybe that was too long for him and he wanted his space back?

Dishwashersaurous · 16/02/2022 17:21

I'm slightly confused. Surely you had a conversation which went it's valentines on Monday what shall we do, take away, out for dinner etc?

Then he said that he's starting a new job and that will be tired and won't do anything. So instead do something at the weekend.

And now you're cross because that's what happened.

If you don't like together then why didn't you go home?

AlDanvers · 16/02/2022 17:23

I assume he already felt like you had done valentines. You said he barely acknowledged you, so I assume he came in and said hello. Then sat and chilled. Lots of people need to just have sometime when they come in.

Tbh, it doesn't sound like you are happy in this relationship, but I do think this is an over reaction.

Also the people on FB didn't do something a couple of weeks before instead. You are never going to be happy if you are looking at what people have and compare it to yourself on one given day. People are posting their highlights, but also you seem to have over looked that you did it early.

Joinedforthis22 · 16/02/2022 17:28

To be honest, I really got caught out with social media and looking at what effort guys had done for their partners, wives etc that maybe I have been unfair

Yeah really don't compare, just cause a guy is super romantic doesn't make him not an arse at other times, think of love bombing, BUT I think it's not a good sign if everytime you argue one of you threatens a break up, and to be honest from what you've said he doesn't sound very nice.

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