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AIBU?

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Original poster

Have I been ungrateful/irrational?

92 replies

Ineedhelp1981 · 16/02/2022 16:52

Hi guys. First time posting in the AIBU section.

Just want to get an idea of whether I was irrational/ungrateful

My DP and I have been together for almost a year and it's our first Valentine's.
Two weeks ago, my DP said to me that we needed to go out and get my Valentine's present as he's not going to have any time on the actual day (new job). We went out for a few hours and he bought me a lovely perfume. I really did appreciate it. However, we had an argument that very night (I didn't like the way he spoke to me) and it made me ask him whether this relationship was going to work (a bit dramatic, I know but I was upset). He was so upset and angry that we had just spent a lovely day buying presents and now, I was questioning the relationship.
We made up and that weekend, he bought me a couple more gifts.

Fast forward to Monday (Valentine's Day). I was at home as it's half term for me. He was working around where we live so he quickly popped in to say Happy Valentine's Day and give me a kiss. In the evening, he walks in, turns on the tv to what he wanted to watch, plays on his phone without really acknowledging me at all. Didn't engage much in conversation. I was a bit upset and I told him so. Again, he got upset saying that he had done everything possible (buy me gifts beforehand, come in to say Happy Valentine's Day etc) and I'm still not happy. He is now wondering if being ungrateful is my pattern of behaviour and now he's questioning our relationship.
To be honest, I really got caught out with social media and looking at what effort guys had done for their partners, wives etc that maybe I have been unfair
I do feel, however, that because he has bought me gifts, he feels that I'm not allowed to expect anything more from him (conversation, a bit of engagement on the day, maybe watch a movie together)
Have I asked for too much? Have I been really ungrateful?

I am happy for ALL responses. Please feel free to be as straightforward as you want (I know you will☺️❤️)

OP posts:
wtfisgoingonhere21 · 16/02/2022 18:48

@Ineedhelp1981

Op
You are going ott here.

You sound needy and high maintenance and I agree that he feels your ungrateful.

Why the need to sit down and have a conversation about how it's going between you on the first evening of his new job?

You say you cooked a normal meal but you could have done something more elaborate for him when he came in after work?

Youl scare him off carrying on like that

WonderfulYou · 16/02/2022 18:48

Poor guy. He's been really clear and straightforward. And still you are upset

I agree.
It sounds like he can’t do anything right and can’t win either way.

Original poster
Ineedhelp1981 · 16/02/2022 18:50

Guys, thank you so much. I wanted to respond individually as you all have really valid points. The consensus from most of the responses is, that I did seem like I got caught up in the 'day'. I'm so sentimental; I want to be able to look back in years to come (if we make it) and remember our first Valentine's. Despite our differences and recent quarrels, he is a good man. We definitely have different love languages though. Just need to accommodate each other's.
I absolutely agree that it's about all the other days we're in a relationship, not just Valentine's Day.
I definitely think an apology is in order but also a talk about expectations and that if we're going to be in this for the long haul, then we can't just threaten our relationship every time we do something we don't like (unless we don't feel safe or secure with each other)

OP posts:
Original poster
Ineedhelp1981 · 16/02/2022 18:51

@Nadjahomesoil

Oh hang on, so you'd already gone shopping for perfume, he'd also given you other gifts, and you'd gone for a meal the day before?
Yes 😔
OP posts:
wtfisgoingonhere21 · 16/02/2022 18:51

@Ineedhelp1981

I think you owe him an apology

And you maybe should address your issues around what you expect from a partner before you want to talk about how the relationship is going.

AlDanvers · 16/02/2022 18:51

@DonnyBurrito showing appreciation for eachother and making time for that isn't really sitting down for a conversation about the relationship. That's just basics that everyone should do.

Original poster
Ineedhelp1981 · 16/02/2022 18:56

@WonderfulYou - yikes. I hear you loud and clear.
At this moment, my partner will probably agree with you 😢

@wtfisgoingonhere21 - yep, you're right. I guess as it was Valentine's Day, it'd be the perfect day to talk about our relationship. Just the sentimental me coming across as needy.

OP posts:
WonderfulYou · 16/02/2022 18:57

I did seem like I got caught up in the 'day'. I'm so sentimental; I want to be able to look back in years to come (if we make it) and remember our first Valentine's.

It’s literally just a day.
Most couples don’t even celebrate Valentine’s Day as actually very commercial and a ploy to get people to waste their money.

As PPs have said - forget about that one day and focus on how he treats you the rest of the days.

If it was my first day at work I wouldn’t want you staying at mine knowing I’d come home exhausted so for him allowing you to stay says so much more than what effort he made on the day.

Honestly OP this is twice you’ve had doubts about the relationship but nothing you’ve said makes it sound that bad. It sounds like you’re overthinking and trying to create arguments. I think you need to be very careful not to push away. Or if you’re genuinely not happy then maybe it’s time to end things.

AlDanvers · 16/02/2022 18:58

I want to be able to look back in years to come (if we make it) and remember our first Valentine's.

And why can't you remember that he started a new job, so made sure he made an effort and did it early. Remember that he popped in future his work day to wish you happy valentines in person, even tjough he told you the day would be busy. Remember that you celebrated on the Sunday and had a nice meal. Remember the fact that you had 2 days out.

I mean this kindly, but there's sentimental/ hopeless romantic and then there unrealistic. I think he won't ever live up to your expectations. I don't think anyone can. It seems that you don't even live up to your own expectations. As in you didn't really make an effort on Monday either.

FluffyFlower · 16/02/2022 18:58

It looks like you never agreed how you were going to spend the actual Valentine's Day, and with the gifts etc the weekend before, it may have looked to him that you have already celebrated, in a way. He did pop in to wish you a happy Valentine's Day. I think it would be best to discuss beforehand if you want specific plans on the day. It was also Monday, after work, maybe he wanted to wind down. I know it sucks, and you rightly so expected some romance in the evening but maybe in his mind the celebration was already done. There will be many more Valentines and holidays to celebrate ! ;)

BakedTattie · 16/02/2022 18:59

Don’t sweat it op.

Apologise. Chill out a bit and stop being so needy. Move on and enjoy your relationship! He sounds like he really likes you!

Ragwort · 16/02/2022 19:04

You sound very intense, just relax .... he sounds like a great guy but you do seem very 'needy' .... what else have you got going on in your life or do you just focus on your boyfriend?

SleepingStandingUp · 16/02/2022 19:04

So he took you shopping for presents plus brought you more presents. You took him out for dinner (thus celebrating V day) and got him a practical item of clothes. He worked his first day at work whilst you had no work. He came in and now you're questioning why he didn't make you feel special like all the other gfs on FB?

Honestly I'm not surprised he's a bit peeved. What did you do that day to make him feel special? Did you ask about his first day or just sit there expecting him to make you a real Princess?

EmbarrassedAllOver · 16/02/2022 19:04

This has nothing to do with Valentine's. I assume you got him gifts too? Anyway, that was done.

This is really about how you communicate and whether it's ok for you that he comes in and puts whatever he wants on without asking you. If you were watching TV and he changed it, YANBU. If you weren't watching TV and he put something on then YABU.

12 months in it should still be exciting...

user1493494961 · 16/02/2022 19:11

You sound hard work.

WonderfulYou · 16/02/2022 19:11

You could buy him a ‘congratulations on your new job’ card and do something special to make a day all about him and his new job to make up for it.

esloquehay · 16/02/2022 19:17

OP, were you raised on a diet of late 90s/early 00s chick lit?!
Honestly, I think you sound pretty selfish and ungrateful. It all sounds a bit "me, me, me, me, me".
Have you been this insecure/validation seeking in previous relationships?

Original poster
Ineedhelp1981 · 16/02/2022 19:25

Some really valid points!

He did plan in advance. He did warn me not to expect a whole lot on Monday due to his new job. We did spend time together picking out my new perfume and he did go out the next day and buy me more gifts. I should have been more understanding. I see that now. I do believe he really likes me (or liked😕)

I do hope we can move on. He sees me as ungrateful and thinks that nothing he will do will be good enough so he is 'seriously' thinking about us. He sent me a long text communicating how he felt about what. happened. I have apologised.

We didn't have an overt conversation about the actual Monday. I did book dinner on Sunday as I knew Monday would be a lot for him but I guess social media messed me up slightly and I 'lost my mind' for a little bit.

Actually, I am intense. I need to chill. That's for sure. My friends are coming round tomorrow and it's the first time they've been round since I've met my partner. Almost a year. I'm always at his or he comes to mine. I've definitely spent TOO much time with him.

I hardly watch tv. I'm a movie person. We have had discussions before about watching something together and now, he will say to me 'pick a movie' (after he's watched all his programmes)

You're right. 12 months in should still be exciting. Maybe we have spent way too much time together and now, we're becoming really familiar.

Thank you so much everyone. I see the errors of my ways. Here's hoping we can salvage it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ineedhelp1981 · 16/02/2022 19:26

@WonderfulYou

You could buy him a ‘congratulations on your new job’ card and do something special to make a day all about him and his new job to make up for it.
Good idea! Will need to make this up to him.
OP posts:
Original poster
Ineedhelp1981 · 16/02/2022 19:27

@user1493494961 - I see that now. Noted. Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ineedhelp1981 · 16/02/2022 19:29

@esloquehay

OP, were you raised on a diet of late 90s/early 00s chick lit?! Honestly, I think you sound pretty selfish and ungrateful. It all sounds a bit "me, me, me, me, me". Have you been this insecure/validation seeking in previous relationships?
Ah, yes. Good point. I was, actuallyHmm. Need to scrap that diet. Not working out for me at all.
OP posts:
Maireas · 16/02/2022 19:30

So many threads on here about women unhappy with Valentine's Day. It's created so many false expectations, hasn't it?
Just bin it off next year.

Dishwashersaurous · 16/02/2022 19:34

You haven't seen your friends in a year because you've got a boyfriend!

Dishwashersaurous · 16/02/2022 19:36

And actually relationships should make you happy and add to your life.

If they don't then end them.

Original poster
Ineedhelp1981 · 16/02/2022 19:41

@Dishwashersaurous I've seen them (popped round briefly etc) but not spent real quality catch up time with them.

@Maireas - after this, no more V day for me (at least for the time being)🥴

OP posts:
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