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AIBU?

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Original poster

Have I been ungrateful/irrational?

92 replies

Ineedhelp1981 · 16/02/2022 16:52

Hi guys. First time posting in the AIBU section.

Just want to get an idea of whether I was irrational/ungrateful

My DP and I have been together for almost a year and it's our first Valentine's.
Two weeks ago, my DP said to me that we needed to go out and get my Valentine's present as he's not going to have any time on the actual day (new job). We went out for a few hours and he bought me a lovely perfume. I really did appreciate it. However, we had an argument that very night (I didn't like the way he spoke to me) and it made me ask him whether this relationship was going to work (a bit dramatic, I know but I was upset). He was so upset and angry that we had just spent a lovely day buying presents and now, I was questioning the relationship.
We made up and that weekend, he bought me a couple more gifts.

Fast forward to Monday (Valentine's Day). I was at home as it's half term for me. He was working around where we live so he quickly popped in to say Happy Valentine's Day and give me a kiss. In the evening, he walks in, turns on the tv to what he wanted to watch, plays on his phone without really acknowledging me at all. Didn't engage much in conversation. I was a bit upset and I told him so. Again, he got upset saying that he had done everything possible (buy me gifts beforehand, come in to say Happy Valentine's Day etc) and I'm still not happy. He is now wondering if being ungrateful is my pattern of behaviour and now he's questioning our relationship.
To be honest, I really got caught out with social media and looking at what effort guys had done for their partners, wives etc that maybe I have been unfair
I do feel, however, that because he has bought me gifts, he feels that I'm not allowed to expect anything more from him (conversation, a bit of engagement on the day, maybe watch a movie together)
Have I asked for too much? Have I been really ungrateful?

I am happy for ALL responses. Please feel free to be as straightforward as you want (I know you will☺️❤️)

OP posts:
ldontWanna · 16/02/2022 17:39

I honestly don't know but it sounds like really hard work and now both of you have questioned the relationship at least once.

CrimbleCrumble1 · 16/02/2022 17:43

What did you do for him, did he enjoy the lovely steak meal you cooked him and his back massage? Didn’t he say thank you when you run him a bath with his favourite bubble bath in? Did he like his presents ?

CurbsideProphet · 16/02/2022 17:45

For Valentine's Day DH and I wfh in our separate rooms, ate tea, and watched some telly...

You're on half term while he had a full day at work. My DH needs some peace and quiet after work and because I know this I'm not offended that he doesn't want to chat for hours of a Monday evening. Is the issue really that you don't know each other well enough yet to know what the other needs, especially on a work evening?

Original poster
Ineedhelp1981 · 16/02/2022 17:47

Thanks guys for all responses. I will try and address them as best as I can.

I did take him out on Sunday as I know it'd be too stressful on the Monday but would have hoped for a nice conversation about our relationship perhaps, maybe watch a movie, just to see the night out. I'm a hopeless romantic; so opposite from him.
I bought him a new coat for Valentines.

If I'm at his or he at mines, he will come in, say hello and give me a kiss or the other way around when I've come from work. That's normal for us. But he is a tv lover and likes to watch what he wants to watch in the evenings after work.

You're right - 10 days could have been seen as a long time at his but it was planned. He's the one who asked me to come down this time. He's been at mine for days and generally, we enjoy each other's company.

I totally understand that a new job is stressful and downtime is well needed after a hard day at work. I'm happy for him to have that. I guess I wanted the day to feel meaningful, you know?

OP posts:
AlDanvers · 16/02/2022 17:52

A nice converstation about your relationship? How would that even go?

What did you do, for him, on the Monday? What you did other days, according to you, doesn't count.

You already did things for valentines, you just did it a different day. I really think your expectations are quite high. I think he actually met most of them, just not on the right day.

Dishwashersaurous · 16/02/2022 17:55

But surely you had the conversation about what was going to happen before the day. He'd basically said that he was going to be too busy/tired to do anything on the day.

So why were you expecting to do something when already agreed that you weren't going to do anything.

Original poster
Ineedhelp1981 · 16/02/2022 17:58

You're right - it's not great that we've questioned the relationship more than once in under a year. He's been married before and I feel like any sign of trouble, he gets nervous. This is what we're talking about at the moment.

I did cook him a meal. Not necessarily a special meal, but a meal nonetheless and we ate together (whilst he watch his programmes). I totally get that I'm on holiday this week so I can't be expecting deep and meaningful conversations on his work evening. I think I wanted that day in particular to be slightly different.

OP posts:
BakedTattie · 16/02/2022 17:58

I think you sound a bit needy.

He made a great deal of effort it seems.

Midlifemusings · 16/02/2022 18:02

I think if you are a high maintenance type girlfriend you need to let guys know that up front. There are guys that like to spoil and be lavish and romantic and go all out and they enjoy that, however many guys aren't like that and that is perfectly fine. But if you need that - you need to be upfront about it.

Original poster
Ineedhelp1981 · 16/02/2022 18:09

@AlDanvers - just like a relationship check-in. How were feeling? How do you think the relationship is going etc etc. I took him out the Sunday and I did make a meal on Monday but maybe you're right.

@Dishwashersaurous - I hear what you're saying. This is what prompted me to post. He did explain that Valentines Day was going to be tough for him. I guess I wanted more than gifts on Monday.

@BakedTattie - wow, I never thought of myself that way. I'm cringing. I just wanted a little bit more engagement on Monday evening . But he did pop in for a quick kiss on his work day and we did have a meal the night before and I got some lovely perfume. Maybe I have been 🥴

@Midlifemusings - I honestly don't see myself as a high maintenance. I've always been the opposite (so I thought). I just wanted him to acknowledge the day and maybe make an effort to make the day seem more special.

However, he did explain that it'd be difficult for him on Monday so I do feel like I've been unfair in that respect.

OP posts:
LiveFromNewYork · 16/02/2022 18:10

Valentine's is a red herring here as it's meaningless nonsense. You need to judge someone on how they treat you day in, day out. Do they make you feel loved and appreciated. It's tricky if there are different love languages going on - he probably needs to be more sensitive to your needs and demonstrate his love but you need to be less sensitive in the first place and understand he doesn't naturally work like that. There's only so much change you can expect from someone.

Krustykrabpizza · 16/02/2022 18:10

I don't think the fact that he wanted a bit of down time after his first day at work makes him rude or selfish. I can't see that he has done anything wrong

CrimbleCrumble1 · 16/02/2022 18:13

He did acknowledge the day when he popped in during the day.

DonnyBurrito · 16/02/2022 18:13

@AlDanvers

A nice converstation about your relationship? How would that even go?

What did you do, for him, on the Monday? What you did other days, according to you, doesn't count.

You already did things for valentines, you just did it a different day. I really think your expectations are quite high. I think he actually met most of them, just not on the right day.

Me and my partner have conversations about our relationship every few days tbh... We say what we have appreciated from the other person over the day/s and tell each other what we're proud of achieving together that day. Things like that. We used to only have conversations about our relationship when we were unhappy with something, so I think we just started doing this to counterbalance that. It came after a serious rough patch though where we basically did the opposite 24/7, so maybe it's more necessary for us than a romantic thing. Not as weird as it sounds though.
CrimbleCrumble1 · 16/02/2022 18:14

You did Valentine’s Day on Sunday, how many Valentine’s Days do you need?

Dishwashersaurous · 16/02/2022 18:15

OK. So he told you that he wasn't going to be able to do anything on valentines.

And rather than tell him that actually that's not what you wanted and you wanted to do a meal etc, even though it's his first day in New job. You said OK, and are then cross when that's what happened.

If you wanted something to happen, you need to agree before.

Poor guy. He's been really clear and straightforward. And still you are upset

Giraffesandbottoms · 16/02/2022 18:19

But…but you celebrated Valentine’s Day already?! He put in the effort, he thought ahead, the gift is neither here nor there he actually had the care and forethought to celebrate in advance to actually avoid having to do it on the day. You enjoyed that and now are complaining?! What?!

AlDanvers · 16/02/2022 18:23

AlDanvers- just like a relationship check-in. How were feeling? How do you think the relationship is going etc etc. I took him out the Sunday and I did make a meal on Monday but maybe you're right.

It might be me, but I have never planned a relationship check in. Or thought this is what people did on valentines. I don't know anyone who had decided Valentines was the night for a check in.

Did he know that's what you expected? Because most people wouldn't guess that's what you wanted and not after they suggested doing something earlier because that day would be really busy.

Most people don't feel like having a deep and meaningful after a busy day at work. You fell out shortly before and made up. Surely you had a deep and meaningful comverstation when you sorted out what you said about rethinking the relationship. Did you need to have it again?

You cooked dinner? Not a special one? You were home all day, cooking dinner when the ither one is working is just a normal thing. You did things for him before the day but not on the day. He did things before the day but not on the day. I don't see any difference.

Nadjahomesoil · 16/02/2022 18:26

Oh hang on, so you'd already gone shopping for perfume, he'd also given you other gifts, and you'd gone for a meal the day before?

ldontWanna · 16/02/2022 18:27

You're focused so much on the fact that it was vday. Why not have those conversations on another day? Why not consider how he treats you on other days?

No matter what the movies and card shops tell you there are 364 other days in the year to love and have a relationship. It's not all or nothing on that just one day.

Do you expect an easter egg on easter or him to make snow prints for you on xmas morning? Eat half the cookie and drink the milk? It's just a day. You celebrated.

If you're not happy or feeling safe and loved and secure that's fine. You can end it at any point for any reason. If it's not working and not meeting your needs, that's fine. But a relationship is more than that one day a year .

EerieSilence · 16/02/2022 18:30

You had a nice day when you both could enjoy it instead of Monday. We did the same. Monday was the usual crap and we didn't do anything special because we already celebrated the Valentine's.
Not sure what you expected - you agreed to celebrate on another day, you had the celebration, you both bought each other lovely presents.
If you wanted to make Valentine's special, you could have done it yourself. Balloons, flowers, chocolate, whatever. If you were just sitting there, expecting him to do the whole work for you like a princess, well, that's not how most men tick.

Camoye · 16/02/2022 18:36

You sound like you spend too much time on social media and if you are not careful the joy of real life and those in it will pass you by.

DiscordandRhyme · 16/02/2022 18:37

Personally most men that spoil women so much are love bombing which is at best not healthy at worst manipulative.

So I think all these Facebook statuses of women being lavished are 'fake' to an extent.

I saw a fair few of them and you know what? Half of them I know for a fact one of them had recently cheated - so it's really no indication.

Having said that if you invite a partner over you should verbally engage with them - it's not quite the same as being in the house on your own.

Dishwashersaurous · 16/02/2022 18:39

As an aside I don't know anyone who did a valentines declaration on social media, so perhaps time to think about your interactions in general.

WonderfulYou · 16/02/2022 18:47

I did take him out on Sunday as I know it'd be too stressful on the Monday but would have hoped for a nice conversation about our relationship perhaps

Surely you would have a conversation about his new job!
Why would you have a conversation about the relationship? Confused

Honestly you sound quite difficult and quite suffocating.

I think you need to back off a little bit as if a man was like this around me I would have to end the relationship.