Have I been ungrateful/irrational?

[Ineedhelp1981]

Hi guys. First time posting in the AIBU section.

Just want to get an idea of whether I was irrational/ungrateful

My DP and I have been together for almost a year and it's our first Valentine's.
Two weeks ago, my DP said to me that we needed to go out and get my Valentine's present as he's not going to have any time on the actual day (new job). We went out for a few hours and he bought me a lovely perfume. I really did appreciate it. However, we had an argument that very night (I didn't like the way he spoke to me) and it made me ask him whether this relationship was going to work (a bit dramatic, I know but I was upset). He was so upset and angry that we had just spent a lovely day buying presents and now, I was questioning the relationship.
We made up and that weekend, he bought me a couple more gifts.

Fast forward to Monday (Valentine's Day). I was at home as it's half term for me. He was working around where we live so he quickly popped in to say Happy Valentine's Day and give me a kiss. In the evening, he walks in, turns on the tv to what he wanted to watch, plays on his phone without really acknowledging me at all. Didn't engage much in conversation. I was a bit upset and I told him so. Again, he got upset saying that he had done everything possible (buy me gifts beforehand, come in to say Happy Valentine's Day etc) and I'm still not happy. He is now wondering if being ungrateful is my pattern of behaviour and now he's questioning our relationship.
To be honest, I really got caught out with social media and looking at what effort guys had done for their partners, wives etc that maybe I have been unfair
I do feel, however, that because he has bought me gifts, he feels that I'm not allowed to expect anything more from him (conversation, a bit of engagement on the day, maybe watch a movie together)
Have I asked for too much? Have I been really ungrateful?

I am happy for ALL responses. Please feel free to be as straightforward as you want (I know you will☺️❤️)

Quite! You don't need it. I actually think a lot of people would be happier without it. So many sad stories on here!
Anyway, I hope you can enjoy the rest of your half term!

Very much over the top thinking, about the valentines day stuff., to the point that you even look at social media stuff, regarding what other people have done, and what they received etc., all very shallow thinking. Its not Christmas, a valentine card should suffice You can't measure a relationship basis on how people behave on a certain day of the year.

[quote Ineedhelp1981]@Dishwashersaurous I've seen them (popped round briefly etc) but not spent real quality catch up time with them.

@Maireas - after this, no more V day for me (at least for the time being)🥴[/quote]
Why have you spent no quality time with friends? Through your own choice that you would rather be with him?

Or does he try and stop you?

You are spending so much time on things that some numpty on social media has made you think is a good idea.

I couldn't be with anyone who talked about love language and relationship check-ins, never mind someone who thought that was in any way appropriate at the end of a first day in a new job.

Stop reading anything, anywhere about how other people think relationships should be. Do you even know yourself what you want, or have you got bogged down in what you think you should want?

Honestly stay off social media, spend some time with your friends and have fun with your boyfriend.

I literally woke up to some flowers and a card and I got a kiss when he came home and I was more than happy. I felt grateful just for the beautiful flowers he had got me. Stop comparing to others, comparison is a joy thief

I’m sorry to be harsh, but I think that this extended period staying together has shown that you’re fundamentally incompatible. It’s not the fault of either of you, you just are very different. He seems to be an introvert (not quiet or shy, that’s not the definition) - someone who needs solitude and time alone to recharge - and you seem to need other people instead. This makes it very hard to live together, if you need opposite ways to relax, and to live generally. Think about what you know about why his marriage broke up. Think about how you would feel if his evenings are often like this, because that’s what he needs. Would you subsume your own needs, or constantly butt heads over how you live?

You say you have become too familiar; I would argue that this has been a good way to get more familiar, to test how it would be if you did live together, and it’s not been a great success. You might want to rethink what the future might look like for you. It’s perfectly possible to have a great relationship but never live together if doing so doesn’t suit you.

And please don’t neglect your other relationships. Gushing to yourself that he’s your world, and so wonderful that you don’t need anything else, is fine if your fifteen and in your first love, but it’s not very grown up. You are a person, not a princess, and you need to think about all the things which are important. You need to consider how life will look after the credits roll.

Thank you all for your response.

@AlDanvers - he doesn't stop me. The reason why I spend so much time with him is because he lives over an hour away so we do tend to spend longer periods of time together. And he books his annual leave to coincide with my holidays. And I love his company. We do get along really well.

@lunar1 - I hear what you're saying. For me, it's important every now and then to ensure that things are good. Sometimes, the stress of work and life often means that things can get a bit mundane and dry so it's I do feel it's important (not every day or all the time) to ensure that the relationship is heading in the right direction. I would like to eventually settle down.

@CrimbleCrumble1 - I certainly will, if he still wants me. Haven't heard from him this evening. We always talk in the evening. 🥴

@Cas112 - lovely. I was going to say that I would have been happy with that but he did make an effort (I know that now, thanks to MNetters☺️) so I'm happy.

@MillyMollyMandyMaybe - you're not being harsh - just honest and I hear what you're saying. We are different, there's no doubt about that. Contrary to what I may sound like, I actually prefer being at home, relaxing. And that's what we have done over the last year. It was just on Monday, I thought I would have liked some more effort. But I've been happy enough for him to have his downtime after work. I'm still working out if we are compatible. I feel you can be different and still fit together. This is where communication for me, is the key ingredient.
I agree. I'm not a princess and I've never asked him to treat me like one. It was just on that day, I would have loved a bit more.
To be honest, I have spent a lot of time with him because of distance and the fact the we do get along and enjoy each other's company, definitely not because I don't need anyone else. I most certainly do. As does he. Maybe this is what we needed to shake things up. We'll talk it through and see where we go from here.

Thank you all for your straightforward and honest responses ❤️

It’s so refreshing to read an OP starting a thread and actually taking on board the responses.

I know it feels like everyone’s attacking you and some replies can sound harsh but usually OPs get defensive and can’t accept that they’ve done anything wrong.

You sound really sensible OP and like a really nice person and I hope you can sort your relationship out

I've recently split with a blunt man with a different love language.

I don't think you're high maintenance. What's wrong in loving being in love and wanting some attention and wanting to give some attention.

This man doesn't seem like he's going to make you happy. You have different expectations and needs. Neither of you will be happy. You'll always feel like you want more and he will always make you out to be unreasonable for that want.

My next relationship won't be with a blunt man who doesn't love me in a way that makes me feel loved. I'm not fitting myself into someone else's idea of love again.

What's wrong in loving being in love and wanting some attention and wanting to give some attention

He did give her attention. Lots of it. She gave him attention and they both enjoyed it. It just wasn't on the right day for op (she didn't do it on that day either). Despite him pre warning her about the actual day and ensured he did something at other times.

And came home to wish her happy valentines in person.

Ops issue, isn't that he didn't do it. But she wanted it on a certain day, despite them agreeing and doing 2 separate days before.

That's the point, he obviously does love OP and is showing her.

@caranations

In the evening, he walks in, turns on the tv to what he wanted to watch, plays on his phone without really acknowledging me at all

I wouldn't put up with anyone treating me and my home with such disdain.

Me neither!

I'm so glad we never did Valentines! What a minefield of expectations.

@AlDanvers I don't agree. Expecting more engagement between them both on an evening (whether it's V day or not) then what she got shows their mismatch.

I wouldn't be happy spending the rest of my life with a man who doesn't talk about his day, show me some affection or at the very least cuddle me after work when he's zoning out watching telly.

But the crucial part is - I. I wouldn't be happy, doesn't mean I'm right or wrong for what I want. Doesn't mean the OP is right or wrong, it's just whether this is right for her or not.

@MillyMollyMandyMaybe

I’m sorry to be harsh, but I think that this extended period staying together has shown that you’re fundamentally incompatible. It’s not the fault of either of you, you just are very different. He seems to be an introvert (not quiet or shy, that’s not the definition) - someone who needs solitude and time alone to recharge - and you seem to need other people instead. This makes it very hard to live together, if you need opposite ways to relax, and to live generally. Think about what you know about why his marriage broke up. Think about how you would feel if his evenings are often like this, because that’s what he needs. Would you subsume your own needs, or constantly butt heads over how you live?

You say you have become too familiar; I would argue that this has been a good way to get more familiar, to test how it would be if you did live together, and it’s not been a great success. You might want to rethink what the future might look like for you. It’s perfectly possible to have a great relationship but never live together if doing so doesn’t suit you.

And please don’t neglect your other relationships. Gushing to yourself that he’s your world, and so wonderful that you don’t need anything else, is fine if your fifteen and in your first love, but it’s not very grown up. You are a person, not a princess, and you need to think about all the things which are important. You need to consider how life will look after the credits roll.

I think this has a good point. The Valentine’s Day stuff is a red herring. Maybe it’s an introvert needing to recharge thing — though I would also identify as an introvert — but I wouldn’t be in a relationship with someone who organised his evenings around tv and playing on his phone. Someone who comes home, says hello and immediately goes into a TV induced trance would be an end to things. Poor manners and tv/phone-focused types are a turnoff.

@SnakeLinguine I agree! I spent too long with a TV and phone zoning man. I know now I should have kept my own life going a bit more, but you end up watching TV and zoning out with them every night. It's depressing. I like going out for dinner, or going for walks, seeing friends, or even just pottering around at home instead of watching TV again.

[quote TuscanApothecary]@AlDanvers I don't agree. Expecting more engagement between them both on an evening (whether it's V day or not) then what she got shows their mismatch.

I wouldn't be happy spending the rest of my life with a man who doesn't talk about his day, show me some affection or at the very least cuddle me after work when he's zoning out watching telly.

But the crucial part is - I. I wouldn't be happy, doesn't mean I'm right or wrong for what I want. Doesn't mean the OP is right or wrong, it's just whether this is right for her or not.[/quote]
I think its entirely unrealistic to expect someone to fully engage every single evening the minute they come in.

I do agree I think op needs to think about this relationship and wether it's for And it seems mismatched.

But I still think its wrong to say he gave her no attention. For a short space in the evening he didn't. He did talk to her when he went in. He had told her it would be a busy day, he made time to go home and see her, during the day. He made sure they celebrated twice beforehand.

Op isn't complaining that he doesn't engage. She is complaining he didn't engage that particular evening