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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to assume that my DS's money will be safe if marriage fails?

112 replies

SweatyBetty1234 · 15/02/2022 19:02

My 65 year old DS met a man from Morocco who was aged 30 in a pub, and then spent the following 2 years wrangling with the authorities to get his application to live in the UK approved. They then married in Morocco and he came to live with her in the UK. This was 4 and a half years ago. She has supported him since he came to the UK as he has only done small bits of work here and there.

As he has nearly been in the UK 5 years, it will soon be time for her husband to apply for indefinite leave to remain.

We are just worried that if DS's husband's intentions are not honourable, he may just leave her when he has a full UK passport. Whilst there is nothing anyone can do to stop this happening, will he also be entitled to half her money if he files for divorce?

My DS worked hard for her money, and we feel sad that her DH could potentially try and take it from her.

What would he be entitled to? DS's husband has not contributed financially since the marriage, other than the odd piece of work here and there.

OP posts:
Blossomtoes · 16/02/2022 16:04

@Jedsnewstar

A fool and her money are soon parted.
Never a truer word. I don’t have much sympathy for either of them.
MrsTerryPratchett · 16/02/2022 16:31

@LaurieFairyCake

Elderly white woman exploits 30 year old North African man

Disgusting or transactional

I'd argue that because of the relative wealth of the countries it's exploitation. But other opinions are available.
Missingindevon · 16/02/2022 16:32

When I was in morroco a lot of the young men spoke about how it was almost impossible to leave wether getting passports or even just enough to go anywhere else. It was so sad many of them spoke several different languages/ were very intelligent.

Even without a cash incentive it's well worth marrying someone from abroad to be able to leave the country and have other opportunities.

Both parties have acted predatory one out of desperation and the other out of delusion I guess. I hope she enjoys her transaction while she can and hopefully he will just leave once he gets his citizenship and not go for a more substantial amount of income.

This coming from someone who's grandfather married his Phillipino maid she did not give a crap about him at the end and was selling off the belongings from the house at the wake I was horrified when we walked in and she had sold the microwave.

Adarajames · 16/02/2022 22:50

Elderly family member is convinced the good looking, young, supposedly a sea captain, male she met online is truly in love with her and will be following through on his promise to marry her, ‘when the time is right’.

He’s already conned her out of her home and any little money she had, but she’s still convinced he loves her and will visit her in person soon. This has been going on for at least 3 years now, no sign of the visit let alone a marriage and has all the blatant signs of an online scam, but there’s no telling her. She’s not bright but still has capacity, so even though we tried to get legal advice to see if the forced house sale could be dealt with as fraud, there was nothing we or the law could do. She won’t hear anything said against him, and we’ve just had to give up as nothing more we can do. She is UTTERLY certain he loves her, it’s so sad as to how much a person can deceive themselves when they want to believe in something!

Original poster
SweatyBetty1234 · 16/02/2022 22:54

@Adarajames

Elderly family member is convinced the good looking, young, supposedly a sea captain, male she met online is truly in love with her and will be following through on his promise to marry her, ‘when the time is right’.

He’s already conned her out of her home and any little money she had, but she’s still convinced he loves her and will visit her in person soon. This has been going on for at least 3 years now, no sign of the visit let alone a marriage and has all the blatant signs of an online scam, but there’s no telling her. She’s not bright but still has capacity, so even though we tried to get legal advice to see if the forced house sale could be dealt with as fraud, there was nothing we or the law could do. She won’t hear anything said against him, and we’ve just had to give up as nothing more we can do. She is UTTERLY certain he loves her, it’s so sad as to how much a person can deceive themselves when they want to believe in something!

Sorry to hear this. Yes, it's amazing how people convince themselves of the most unlikely things Sad
OP posts:
Stressedout1009 · 17/02/2022 00:11

@AnyFucker

I don’t know why you feel sorry for your sister. She is clearly predatory, or they both are.

Leave them to it. Unless she has learning difficulties, she made her own choices. To buy a young piece of arse. And yes, she will probably pay a high price for it.

I'm surprised no one has commented on this yet focusing ok him being the scammer. It's her bed, so to speak.
MrsTerryPratchett · 17/02/2022 01:20

I'm surprised no one has commented on this yet focusing ok him being the scammer.

I did pages ago!

toomuchlaundry · 17/02/2022 01:35

So if he divorces her as soon as he gets ILR, would people still say he was exploited? Didn’t he get what he wanted?

MadameMinimes · 17/02/2022 09:25

@toomuchlaundry If he divorces her as soon as he gets ILR then I would still think he was exploited. In fact, I would see that as confirming that he has been exploited. A much older woman has effectively bought 5 years of his life. If he divorces her then it’s very clear that he has only lived with this woman for the last 5 years because he felt it was what he had to do to get his ILR. It isn’t freely given consent. Whatever money he may get in a divorce he has paid the price for. When well-off western retirees pick up young men and women from developing countries, they get what they want (an attractive young spouse who is usually very attentive and makes them feel good about themselves) for a price. It’s a transaction, and the balance of power is tipped in favour of the well off westerner.

seekinglondonlife · 17/02/2022 09:38

I think they've both done well. She's had 5 years of an 'exotic' toyboy and he'll get the passport and enough money to set up shop and get married in Morocco.
There was a very funny Take a Break headline style thread about a woman finding love in Turkey if anyone can find it.

NYnewstart · 17/02/2022 09:43

How people justify and deceive themselves is fascinating. Covid deniers/reactions to covid, have also been fascinating to watch in the last couple of years.

They’ve both got something out of their relationship. One is short term gain, the other will be long term gain. It’s hard to watch though.

JustWonderingIfYou · 17/02/2022 12:38

Better he gets her money than the tax payers. Her choice to bring him here- she should pay for it. By the sound of it he's not exactly hard working!

cherryonthecakes · 17/02/2022 12:45

@toomuchlaundry

So if he divorces her as soon as he gets ILR, would people still say he was exploited? Didn’t he get what he wanted?
Yes- she's exploited him too but she got her happiness first and he'll be getting his after the divorce.
cherryonthecakes · 17/02/2022 12:47

I agree that the money she pays out will be her buying 5+ years of happiness and that he has earned it.

Seeleyboo · 17/02/2022 13:48

I would be more worried about him taking off with everything whilst still married. Happened to my friend. Husband died and left her several properties and a business. She met a man from Nigeria. They married and he persuaded her over time to sell everything and she did. They went into a rented flat to decide on what to do next with their lives and he he took the lot. Police can't do a thing because they're married.

Original poster
SweatyBetty1234 · 18/02/2022 12:09

To those of you saying my D Sis is predatory, I would disagree. She has no suspicion at all that her husband is only with her for the money. She thinks that he thinks she is drop dead gorgeous. How can you be predatory if you have no idea of someone's true intentions? She is surely gullible and not predatory?

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 18/02/2022 12:28

Who initiated the relationship?

Original poster
SweatyBetty1234 · 18/02/2022 12:53

@toomuchlaundry

Who initiated the relationship?
DSis was on a weekend break and her now DH approached her whole she was at a pub.
OP posts:
Original poster
SweatyBetty1234 · 18/02/2022 12:53

While, not whole!

OP posts:
Original poster
SweatyBetty1234 · 18/02/2022 12:55

@JustWonderingIfYou

Better he gets her money than the tax payers. Her choice to bring him here- she should pay for it. By the sound of it he's not exactly hard working!
There is no question of him getting tax payers money. He was not fleeing persecution.
OP posts:
19lottie82 · 18/02/2022 12:59

Maybe retire the silly acronyms if you want people to know who you're on about?

Standard on here.

purpleroses100 · 18/02/2022 13:54

This happened to my mum.....he rode out the five years and got his passport then wanted a divorce- my mum made him pay her £20k to get the divorce! She thought it was genuine...I saw through it but who would listen to me, I was a teenager at the time...

At least she's experiencing companionship and love even if it is all fake...she won't listen to you so just be there for her when the shit hits the fan!

Summersnake · 18/02/2022 14:01

I’d say he’s probably entitled to half for putting up with her .
I mean come on ,why did she not expect a 30 year old man from the U.K. to want to marry her ?
Because they would be equal, on the same footing
Not equal when he’s from a poverty stricken country,and she holds all the cards .

Summersnake · 18/02/2022 14:03

You really have rose tinted glasses on ,op ,where your sister is concerned.
Gullible,gullible….no she isn’t .
She knows full well no English 30 year old would be attracted to a 65 year old

Girlmumdogmumboymum · 18/02/2022 14:06

Well they're both after something out of this marriage aren't they? It isn't love in either case.

Sorry but she must know that a 30 year old wouldn't look at her as a 60 year old woman unless she was his easy route to a passport and a huge chunk of wealth.