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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to assume that my DS's money will be safe if marriage fails?

112 replies

SweatyBetty1234 · 15/02/2022 19:02

My 65 year old DS met a man from Morocco who was aged 30 in a pub, and then spent the following 2 years wrangling with the authorities to get his application to live in the UK approved. They then married in Morocco and he came to live with her in the UK. This was 4 and a half years ago. She has supported him since he came to the UK as he has only done small bits of work here and there.

As he has nearly been in the UK 5 years, it will soon be time for her husband to apply for indefinite leave to remain.

We are just worried that if DS's husband's intentions are not honourable, he may just leave her when he has a full UK passport. Whilst there is nothing anyone can do to stop this happening, will he also be entitled to half her money if he files for divorce?

My DS worked hard for her money, and we feel sad that her DH could potentially try and take it from her.

What would he be entitled to? DS's husband has not contributed financially since the marriage, other than the odd piece of work here and there.

OP posts:
Branleuse · 15/02/2022 20:53

Youve told her how you feel. She doesnt agree. Theyre already married. Its been years. I dont think theres anymore to be done. If its a mistake she will learn the hard way

VodselForDinner · 15/02/2022 20:56

We are just worried that if DS's husband's intentions are not honourable, he may just leave her when he has a full UK passport

Who’s “we”? Because if it includes your sister, there’s something very, very sinister about an older woman who exploits a younger man from a poor country, then tries to cut him off when there’s a chance he’ll get some independence.

Sounds like two people are conning each other here.

historygeek · 15/02/2022 20:56

If they married in Morocco, is the marriage legal in the UK?

ForeverSingle881 · 15/02/2022 21:03

If she genuinely is happy and believes he’s in love, what’s the harm? If he makes her happy, surely that’s great? And then any relationship can end anyway, 5 years is a long time already

BotterMon · 15/02/2022 21:04

Depends on the Moroccan wedding. If married by an Imam then it's not recognised in the UK so he won't get anything. If under Moroccan civil law then she's at risk of losing at least some of her assets if they were to divorce.

Considering he was able to move with her to the UK as her husband I would assume it was under civil law.

Maybe they are madly in love? Have you any evidence apart from your cynical view that they're not?

SantaHat · 15/02/2022 21:08

Ok… so then a huge amount of this hangs on the legalities of their Moroccan wedding I suppose.

Original poster
SweatyBetty1234 · 15/02/2022 21:22

@BotterMon

Depends on the Moroccan wedding. If married by an Imam then it's not recognised in the UK so he won't get anything. If under Moroccan civil law then she's at risk of losing at least some of her assets if they were to divorce.

Considering he was able to move with her to the UK as her husband I would assume it was under civil law.

Maybe they are madly in love? Have you any evidence apart from your cynical view that they're not?

I would love it if they really were both madly in love. I can't tell how he feels in all honesty. He doesn't give much away.
OP posts:
AffIt · 15/02/2022 21:27

What's that line about 'if you marry for money, you'll pay for it with every day of your life'?

Both of these people are predators, in their own way.

Stay out of it, OP.

Rumplestrumpet · 15/02/2022 21:28

Lots of harsh comments here!

Firstly on the legality of their marriage - it's pretty clear from the OP that she managed to get him out to the UK after they were married so there's no question about its legality - he's had legal residency for a few years and and will soon be eligible to apply for ILR, after which point he would be free to leave her, divorce if he wishes and marry someone else. He may want to wait another year and get British nationality before leaving her but either way yes there is a real risk that he will leave once he has ILR or a passport.

On how to protect her assets - it is not certain he would get anywhere near 50% but she might have to pay heavy legal fees to fight it and at a time when she's emotionally vulnerable.

If at all possible then, I would suggest you convince her to speak to a solicitor, perhaps presenting it as getting ducks in a row, general life admin, will writing etc. Then go along with her and see if you can get the solicitor to suggest a way of protecting her finances incase the worst should happen (not just divorce).

I have seen relationships like this first hand - I have seen a genuine relationship that was always judged but he was genuinely in love with her (10yr difference though, not 35!). And I've seen women allow themselves to be swept off their feet. I can tell those of you who are accusing her of somehow taking advantage of the man that you're almost certainly far off the mark. It is not the same as when the roles are reversed because the power dynamics are totally different.

Good luck OP

Original poster
SweatyBetty1234 · 15/02/2022 21:52

@Rumplestrumpet

Lots of harsh comments here!

Firstly on the legality of their marriage - it's pretty clear from the OP that she managed to get him out to the UK after they were married so there's no question about its legality - he's had legal residency for a few years and and will soon be eligible to apply for ILR, after which point he would be free to leave her, divorce if he wishes and marry someone else. He may want to wait another year and get British nationality before leaving her but either way yes there is a real risk that he will leave once he has ILR or a passport.

On how to protect her assets - it is not certain he would get anywhere near 50% but she might have to pay heavy legal fees to fight it and at a time when she's emotionally vulnerable.

If at all possible then, I would suggest you convince her to speak to a solicitor, perhaps presenting it as getting ducks in a row, general life admin, will writing etc. Then go along with her and see if you can get the solicitor to suggest a way of protecting her finances incase the worst should happen (not just divorce).

I have seen relationships like this first hand - I have seen a genuine relationship that was always judged but he was genuinely in love with her (10yr difference though, not 35!). And I've seen women allow themselves to be swept off their feet. I can tell those of you who are accusing her of somehow taking advantage of the man that you're almost certainly far off the mark. It is not the same as when the roles are reversed because the power dynamics are totally different.

Good luck OP

Thank you for this informative post. I can't actually speak to D Sis about any concerns I have as she would bat them off. D sis thinks all the people who doubt her relationship's validity are just prejudiced against age gap relationships or possibly racist.
OP posts:
TheYearOfSmallThings · 15/02/2022 21:58

He probably wouldn't get much in those circumstances. The truth is he will only hang around (at her expense) until he gets a better offer, and then just take off. And maybe rock up periodically seeking money.

In a sense though, she has already had her money's worth (and I would say the same of a 65 year old man who married a woman half his age from a poor background).

Original poster
SweatyBetty1234 · 15/02/2022 22:04

@TheYearOfSmallThings

He probably wouldn't get much in those circumstances. The truth is he will only hang around (at her expense) until he gets a better offer, and then just take off. And maybe rock up periodically seeking money.

In a sense though, she has already had her money's worth (and I would say the same of a 65 year old man who married a woman half his age from a poor background).

Wel she has had a lovely few years with him.
OP posts:
Derbee · 16/02/2022 13:38

D sis thinks all the people who doubt her relationship's validity are just prejudiced against age gap relationships or possibly racist

So did my DP’s aunt, who married an Egyptian waiter 25 years younger than her. Don’t want to shock anyone, but it didn’t work out

ItsCanardBruv · 16/02/2022 13:55

Happened to a family member. She didn’t give up without a fight. So he murdered her - and got 100%.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 16/02/2022 14:30

Wel she has had a lovely few years with him.

Exactly. I think in Victorian times people were more honest about the transactional nature of marriage. She's had adventure and fun, he's getting a Visa...she might have done worse with a grumpy old English guy and his suspicious adult children.

cherryonthecakes · 16/02/2022 14:38

You need to be realistic. This is a transactional relationship where both parties got what they wanted from the other.

Of course he should be entitled to some of her assets. Can't comment on percentage but I'd expect the same as if she'd married a person from the UK.

Time will tell what his true intentions are but hopefully she has been happy for the last 5 years.

Blossomtoes · 16/02/2022 14:41

And she's chosen to exploit some bloke from a poverty stricken country

I’m not sure the exploitation is in that direction.

JimmyDurham · 16/02/2022 14:46

@MrsTerryPratchett

My DS worked hard for her money, and we feel sad that her DH could potentially try and take it from her.

And she's chosen to exploit some bloke from a poverty stricken country. I mean would a 30 yo in the UK date her? No. Because he wouldn't have any reason to. Her money is the reason (and a passport). If she was a 30 yo Thai woman with a 65 yo UK man, you'd see this for what it is, a relationship in return for money.

I find this kind of thing really distressing.

You don't see her as a gullible naive woman being taken for a ride by an unscrupulous chancer then?
MrsTerryPratchett · 16/02/2022 15:12

You don't see her as a gullible naive woman being taken for a ride by an unscrupulous chancer then?

Do I see any older, (probably white but in this case I don't know) moneyed, presumably worldly (they are travelling), intelligent grown-up who goes to majority world countries and shags a younger, poorer, person of colour who lives somewhere with limited prospects and no chance but this to emigrate as a 'victim'? Nope. Do I see a younger, poorer, person of colour who lives somewhere with limited prospects and no chance but this to emigrate as a 'chancer? Also no. I see them making the choices they make to better their life in sometimes fairly extreme circumstances.

When I was in Thailand it was gross old men shagging young women. When I was in Africa it was gross old women shagging young men. I remember vividly asking the owner of a bar why he'd hired the barman who, although a lovely person, couldn't get a drink order right. He said, "that's not what he's here for" and grinned. He was young and very good-looking. And his 'job' wasn't pouring drinks.

Is it not exploitative just because it's a bloke? No. Because money, race, place of origin, relative freedom trump sex in this case. At best it's transactional. Which is a factor in marriage in many places.

All the gross old men justify their Thai brides too. If people are too stupid to see exploitation for what it is, they should hand their passports back because they shouldn't travel.

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/02/2022 15:18

And I'm a joyless, old-school feminist so normally I'm #TeamSexIsDefinitelyAFactor in almost every case. But not this one.

RedHelenB · 16/02/2022 15:21

@neverbeenskiing

Is it definitely true for a fact that assets have to be split 50/50 in the event of a divorce? If that's the case then why do I know so many women whose high-earning DH's have left them without a pot to piss in?
They hide their assets.
haismfh · 16/02/2022 15:40

Yeah, this is a disaster waiting to happen.
When you say "we" are worried, do you mean you and your sister or you and someone else (eg. your own partner, parents). If your sister isn't worried there's not a lot you can do about it to be honest.
If your sister is worried then you can sit down with her and talk about the situation, suggesting she go to a solicitor for advice.

But I don't really understand how she could be taken for a ride like this - surely there's no 65 year old woman who genuinely believes a 30 year old Moroccan man is deeply in love with her and it's going to be a lasting marriage until death do us part? And she says it's racist when people comment on this - well yes, I can understand why she thinks that but I'd feel the same if it was a 30 year old white man from the UK.
She must know, somewhere inside, that it's not going to last forever and she's therefore making hay while the sun shines and enjoying it for what it is. In which case, if/when he leaves then she can't be surprised by the situation, nor can she be surprised that she will lose some assets in a divorce.

My ex is now with a woman 23 years his senior and I know why he's doing that - gets all his needs met, lives in a great house, will be entitled to part of that when/if they divorce. She's getting sex and a fit 30 year old living in the house. It's transactional on both sides.

fulanigirl · 16/02/2022 15:57

@MrsTerryPratchett

You don't see her as a gullible naive woman being taken for a ride by an unscrupulous chancer then?

Do I see any older, (probably white but in this case I don't know) moneyed, presumably worldly (they are travelling), intelligent grown-up who goes to majority world countries and shags a younger, poorer, person of colour who lives somewhere with limited prospects and no chance but this to emigrate as a 'victim'? Nope. Do I see a younger, poorer, person of colour who lives somewhere with limited prospects and no chance but this to emigrate as a 'chancer? Also no. I see them making the choices they make to better their life in sometimes fairly extreme circumstances.

When I was in Thailand it was gross old men shagging young women. When I was in Africa it was gross old women shagging young men. I remember vividly asking the owner of a bar why he'd hired the barman who, although a lovely person, couldn't get a drink order right. He said, "that's not what he's here for" and grinned. He was young and very good-looking. And his 'job' wasn't pouring drinks.

Is it not exploitative just because it's a bloke? No. Because money, race, place of origin, relative freedom trump sex in this case. At best it's transactional. Which is a factor in marriage in many places.

All the gross old men justify their Thai brides too. If people are too stupid to see exploitation for what it is, they should hand their passports back because they shouldn't travel.

Couldn't say it better myself.
LaurieFairyCake · 16/02/2022 15:58

Elderly white woman exploits 30 year old North African man

Disgusting or transactional

Jedsnewstar · 16/02/2022 16:01

A fool and her money are soon parted.