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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To keep my friend's secrets?

78 replies

curiousturtle17 · 15/02/2022 14:03

I've been with DH for 15 years and met my best friend (let's call her R) 3 years ago. He likes her and is happy I've found such a good friend.

R and I have a running joke about 'the vault' which is how we refer to the things that are private discussions between us. She's a private person but completely open with me as she trusts me completely.

DH is aware there are things I don't tell him about her and he's started to take it personally. R split from her DH last year in really traumatic circumstances. DH knows the basics of what happened but not the details as I know she doesn't want anyone to know. He's said that I shouldn't be keeping any secrets from him but I've stressed they're not my secrets to keep.

In the same vein, I wouldn't discuss any of DH's personal issues with her and I've told him this.

YABU- you should tell your DH absolutely everything about your life and the people in it.
YANBU- your friends problems are not his business and she should be able to confide in you.

OP posts:

Freddiefox · 15/02/2022 14:05

Of course you should keep your friends confidence, if you can’t you should tell her, then she can decide if she wants to share with you knowing that you might tell DH.

passtheparsnips · 15/02/2022 14:05

YANBU, hr secrets are none of his business! I like what you said in your OP - these are not your secrets and you should remind him of that any time he asks.

Watchingpeppa12 · 15/02/2022 14:06

Yanbu

StormTreader · 15/02/2022 14:07

Ask him exactly what aspects he thinks you should be telling him about your friends traumatic breakup? What exactly her ex said to her and when? If she cried and for how long? How many minutes sleep she lost over it all?

Hopefully he will realise that he's being ridiculous and these things he's missing out on are things he wouldn't want to know anyway!

bigred22 · 15/02/2022 14:09

I'd be wondering why he was so interested in her personal secrets- also YANBU unreasonable to not tell him, she told you with the understanding it was for your ears and your ears alone.

Just because you're married, it doesn't entitle the other person to know every thought,feeling, secret of your own, let alone someone else's!

Crucible · 15/02/2022 14:09

Why does he want to know her secrets? That is odd. The reason given so far doesn't ring true at all

GeneLovesJezebel · 15/02/2022 14:09

her secrets, said in confidence, are not yours to tell.

galacticpixels · 15/02/2022 14:10

Yanbu.

You're right, they're not your secrets to tell. I don't tell my friends' secrets to DP. I also know private things about people who we're both friends with and I would still never be tempted to tell him.

pasturesgreen · 15/02/2022 14:10

YANBU. Who would he need to know, anyway?

MintJulia · 15/02/2022 14:11

Yanbu. You shouldn't betray your friend's confidence and I'm puzzled why your dh thinks it's his business or even why he would want to know.

Seems a bit weird to me.

Suzi888 · 15/02/2022 14:12

YANBU he sounds very inquisitive 😂 snout out! Why does he need to know the ins and outs? It’s personal and you were told in confidence.

Original poster

curiousturtle17 · 15/02/2022 14:12

@Crucible

Why does he want to know her secrets? That is odd. The reason given so far doesn't ring true at all

Because he's a nosey bugger.

OP posts:

AfterSchoolWorry · 15/02/2022 14:13

Tell him not to be so nosey.

I can't stand nosey or tight men.

LaBellina · 15/02/2022 14:13

You said it well. Her secrets are her secrets. They’re not yours to share with anyone including your DH. He’s not entitled to know about them.

Howshouldibehave · 15/02/2022 14:14

DH is aware there are things I don't tell him about her

How is he aware?

Unless you’re saying things like, ‘I’ve got secret but I can’t tell you’ which annoying girls at school used to say, then how does he know?

Ohyesiam · 15/02/2022 14:14

Yanbu, if course you should keep your friends confidences. Ask him what he would do if you were a health care professional and had to keep confidentiality? He’s have to put up with it then.

amusedbush · 15/02/2022 14:14

I'm incredibly nosy but YANBU, they are not your secrets to tell and he has no right to them. If I tell someone something in confidence, that doesn't mean them and their partner!

Original poster

curiousturtle17 · 15/02/2022 14:17

@Howshouldibehave

DH is aware there are things I don't tell him about her

How is he aware?

Unless you’re saying things like, ‘I’ve got secret but I can’t tell you’ which annoying girls at school used to say, then how does he know?

Best example would be the breakdown of her relationship. He knows that her DH was asked to leave but he doesn't know why and I won't tell him the details as she asked me not to tell anyone.

OP posts:

Drinkingallthewine · 15/02/2022 14:18

So he presumably expects that he must tell you everything confidential that his best friend told him, right? So if his BF is having an affair for example, you should be privy to all of that?

And that equally, your DH's private discussions with you, should be shared with your friend? And also his best friend's wife? What if the BF's wife tells her best friend and that best friend needs to tell her husband everything so there's no secrets between them? And so on...

I fucking hate the kind of couples who think that they share a brain and tell their partners everything. I would actually leave DP if he came home and spilled his mates deepest secrets to me, because I'd know that mine aren't safe either!

He's just being a nosey cunt.

theemmadilemma · 15/02/2022 14:27

He's welcome to know them all. As long as he's happy for her to know his deepest darkest thoughts as well....

MasterBeth · 15/02/2022 14:29

None of his business.

ChargingBuck · 15/02/2022 14:29

DH is aware there are things I don't tell him about her and he's started to take it personally

DH is behaving like an immature dick.
Is he jealous?
Upset it's Not All About Him?
Feels entitled to the juicy scandal of R's trauma?
Or ... as PP rather magnificently put it - a nosy cunt?

teleskopregel · 15/02/2022 14:30

I believe this depends on your relationship with your DP.

My DP gives great advice and keeps confidences so well. I have learnt from him, in fact. If i have been told somethibg in confidence, and it is troubling me, then i tell him. However, DP tries to respect my boundaries, and if I said I didn't feel right telling him, he would accept it, and vice versa.

Sally872 · 15/02/2022 14:40

Yanbu. And I would be pretty disappointed in dh for looking for gossip.

I might confide in my dh if I needed advice for how best to support friend, but not if friend had specifically asked me not to. And definitely not just for something to chat about.

iklboo · 15/02/2022 15:08

YADNBU - my friends tell me things in confidence I'll take to the grave with me. Not my place to share. If he keeps asking about your friend's split tell him it's because her ex was a nosey bugger always trying to get the gossip on her friends.

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