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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To keep my friend's secrets?

78 replies

curiousturtle17 · 15/02/2022 14:03

I've been with DH for 15 years and met my best friend (let's call her R) 3 years ago. He likes her and is happy I've found such a good friend.

R and I have a running joke about 'the vault' which is how we refer to the things that are private discussions between us. She's a private person but completely open with me as she trusts me completely.

DH is aware there are things I don't tell him about her and he's started to take it personally. R split from her DH last year in really traumatic circumstances. DH knows the basics of what happened but not the details as I know she doesn't want anyone to know. He's said that I shouldn't be keeping any secrets from him but I've stressed they're not my secrets to keep.

In the same vein, I wouldn't discuss any of DH's personal issues with her and I've told him this.

YABU- you should tell your DH absolutely everything about your life and the people in it.
YANBU- your friends problems are not his business and she should be able to confide in you.

OP posts:
Chloemol · 15/02/2022 17:20

Yanbu

Ask him if he would be happy if you discussed with her stuff he has asked you tell noone

Original poster
curiousturtle17 · 15/02/2022 18:14

@Immunetypegoblin

Talk to her and discuss a good lie to tell him - one where she can provide solid proof that it's false. Agree this between you, then tell him. Count down the days before he lets on to her what he's been told. Confront him and use that as your justification for never talking to him about her private life again.
I genuinely don't think he'd repeat anything I told him. He's just nosey.

My friend and her ex DH has a seemingly blissful relationship and I know a lot of people are wondering what went wrong.

He does ask about other things but that's the easiest example.

OP posts:
WonderfulYou · 15/02/2022 18:17

YANBU

I fell out with a very good friend over this.

I was telling her about things completely in confidence and she would go and tell her DH.

I would never do that to any of my friends.

WonderfulYou · 15/02/2022 18:19

Also my friends DH is very controlling and I suspect this was the reason she told him things as he doesn’t like her knowing something he doesn’t.

Is your DH ever controlling?
Does he act like he doesn’t like being left out or just concerned?

Original poster
curiousturtle17 · 15/02/2022 18:20

@WonderfulYou

Also my friends DH is very controlling and I suspect this was the reason she told him things as he doesn’t like her knowing something he doesn’t.

Is your DH ever controlling?
Does he act like he doesn’t like being left out or just concerned?

Not controlling at all, just nosey.
OP posts:
Wreath21 · 15/02/2022 18:22

Just keep telling him 'It's none of your business.' Then walk away from the conversation. Because it is none of his business. If it's getting too much, sit him down and say 'Stop asking me about R's business. It is nothing to do with you and I am not going to tell you anything, so suck it up.' Then just ignore any further questions on the topic.

girlmom21 · 15/02/2022 19:32

He's said that I shouldn't be keeping any secrets

You say he's not controlling, just nosey, but this isn't him just being nosey...

notacooldad · 16/02/2022 13:04

How does he know that your friend has told you something in confidence and you are 'withholding' information from him?

I can have night at my friend's house and she will tell me all her problems. When i get home Dh will say 'have you had a nice night'. He doesn't that I'm being evasive when I say ' yeah, we've out out the world to right's as usual' ( he really diesnt want a running commentary on what weve been talking about though)

I've said this on other threads about the same subject but I bet when he says hes interested in what youve been chatting about and how things are inky he only wants the gossipy stuff. In your case I would be telling him what she had for tea, what she watched on TV, what her kids did at school, when she went to Aldi etc to bore him ridged!! If he moans, tell him you thought he needed to know because he is such a nosy git!

PinkArt · 16/02/2022 13:47

His right to be nosey doesn't remotely trump her right to privacy over a private, possibly traumatic experience. The sheer entitlement that he thinks he is in some way owed her secrets!

thenightsky · 16/02/2022 13:48

YANBU

RealBecca · 16/02/2022 13:52

Simply his nosiness doesnt outweigh her right to privacy. He should respect you enough to stop asking as you've told him no.

Original poster
curiousturtle17 · 16/02/2022 14:01

@notacooldad

How does he know that your friend has told you something in confidence and you are 'withholding' information from him?

I can have night at my friend's house and she will tell me all her problems. When i get home Dh will say 'have you had a nice night'. He doesn't that I'm being evasive when I say ' yeah, we've out out the world to right's as usual' ( he really diesnt want a running commentary on what weve been talking about though)

I've said this on other threads about the same subject but I bet when he says hes interested in what youve been chatting about and how things are inky he only wants the gossipy stuff. In your case I would be telling him what she had for tea, what she watched on TV, what her kids did at school, when she went to Aldi etc to bore him ridged!! If he moans, tell him you thought he needed to know because he is such a nosy git!

Because he knew she had split from her DH and I won't tell him why. She doesn't want people to know.
OP posts:
Momicrone · 16/02/2022 14:03

He sounds controlling if he's telling you how to live

Original poster
curiousturtle17 · 16/02/2022 14:04

Can I just add that DH isn't badgering me every second of the day about this. Nor has he got the thumbscrews out to make me spill.

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 16/02/2022 14:12

YANBU and I cannot stand people who think that they should betray their friends' confidences by telling all to their DH/DP. What's worse is that they seem to genuinely think it's sweet/adorable/a sign how them and their DH are so trusting and loving. 🤮

You are your own person with a separate brain. Your DH needs to accept that you everything concerns him.

You sound like a lovely friend OP.

Thatsplentyjack · 16/02/2022 14:16

Ask him why the fuck he thinks he has the right to know another woman's private business? Entitled twat.

TooBig2100 · 16/02/2022 14:18

Why does he even need to know?

StormyWindow · 16/02/2022 14:25

I'd be wondering exactly how 'happy' he actually is that you've found such a good friend. Control can be hard to spot, it can be dressed up as lots of other things, including being 'just plain nosey'. I think it's highly likely your DH feels threatened by this friendship in some way.

SpilltheTea · 16/02/2022 14:28

Her secrets are none of his business. I'm sure he has things he wouldn't want other people to know about.

LolaSmiles · 16/02/2022 14:29

I'd be wondering exactly how 'happy' he actually is that you've found such a good friend. Control can be hard to spot, it can be dressed up as lots of other things, including being 'just plain nosey'. I think it's highly likely your DH feels threatened by this friendship in some way
That's quite a good point. I'd imagine some men wouldn't like the idea of women discussing the unreasonable behaviour of men.

SEE123 · 16/02/2022 14:30

YANBU - it's not your secret to share
I'd find it odd if my DH took this close an interest in my best friend's personal life

Notimeforaname · 16/02/2022 14:46

Google says nosey people are like this because : they want information- information about you. ... The primary reason for wanting to obtain information about other people is competition. People are nosey so that they can know how far you've come and where you're going with your life. This helps them compare their own life with yours.

I would agree with that. Any of the nosey people I've met in life are either controlling, have boring lives or hate their lives.

BadNomad · 16/02/2022 14:56

It's an ego thing I'm guessing. In his head you not telling him her secrets means you either don't trust him or you're more loyal to her than him.

Dontbeme · 16/02/2022 16:15

For some people information means power, knowing something that a person doesn't want them to know means that they can cut that person down to size whenever they like. What is your DH likely to do if he learned the reason your friends marriage ended? Something to pick over in the pub with his mates, does he feel it gives him social currency to be the one "in the know"? Does it make him feel superior, would he likely tell her ex what she is saying, what exactly is in this for him, that he just has to know?

Drinkingallthewine · 17/02/2022 14:07

I've never known a nosey person to be discreet with anything they found out.

At best they might not say anything until a story becomes common knowledge, but then they become tiresome by making sure they knew the gossip before everyone else and feel that now the story's out it's a licence to divulge every sordid detail, real or invented.

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