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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To keep my friend's secrets?

78 replies

curiousturtle17 · 15/02/2022 14:03

I've been with DH for 15 years and met my best friend (let's call her R) 3 years ago. He likes her and is happy I've found such a good friend.

R and I have a running joke about 'the vault' which is how we refer to the things that are private discussions between us. She's a private person but completely open with me as she trusts me completely.

DH is aware there are things I don't tell him about her and he's started to take it personally. R split from her DH last year in really traumatic circumstances. DH knows the basics of what happened but not the details as I know she doesn't want anyone to know. He's said that I shouldn't be keeping any secrets from him but I've stressed they're not my secrets to keep.

In the same vein, I wouldn't discuss any of DH's personal issues with her and I've told him this.

YABU- you should tell your DH absolutely everything about your life and the people in it.
YANBU- your friends problems are not his business and she should be able to confide in you.

OP posts:
ChaToilLeam · 15/02/2022 15:12

YANBU. You are right, they are not your secrets to tell, and your DH is being a complete fud about it. What a big baby he is, getting upset that you don’t tell him everything. I doubt that he even cares that much, he’s just annoyed that you know something he doesn’t and won’t give in and tell him.

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 15/02/2022 15:12

Why is he so interested? The taking it personally would put me right off.

Her secrets are not yours to tell.

He wouldn’t like it Un sure if you went blabbing his secrets.

Just get him telt.

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 15/02/2022 15:12

I’m not UN

girlmom21 · 15/02/2022 15:15

@theemmadilemma

He's welcome to know them all. As long as he's happy for her to know his deepest darkest thoughts as well....
Well he's not, is he? It doesn't matter what he wants or what he's happy for other people to know. OP's friends secrets are still not his business.
ANameChangeAgain · 15/02/2022 15:15

Tell your DH to watch Eastenders if he wants drama, your friend's life isn't his entertainment. Well done for being a good friend and not breaking her confidence.

ClaraTheCelebrityPachyderm · 15/02/2022 15:21

YANBU, and your husband is being pathetic.

notacooldad · 15/02/2022 15:22

You are not keeping your secrets from him. You are just respecting your friends privacy.

I have never told Dh a word about private stuff about my mates. Sure I say what gigs they've been to and where they went out for a meal etc but never ever anything personal. Personal stuff are not my stories to tell.

Hopeislost · 15/02/2022 15:26

YANBU If I asked a friend to keep a confidence and they told their partner, they wouldn't be my friend anymore.

WouldIwasShookspeared · 15/02/2022 15:27

YANBU.

If she wanted him to know, she would tell him.

He seems overly interested in her. Does he have a crush on her?

HollowTalk · 15/02/2022 15:28

It's really nice that you're loyal to your friend. We've had threads on here where women have assumed, "Don't tell anyone" means "except your husband."

notacooldad · 15/02/2022 15:28

My DP gives great advice and keeps confidences so well. I have learnt from him, in fact. If i have been told somethibg in confidence, and it is troubling me, then i tell him
If your friend wanted your husbands advice she would have asked him or asked you to ask him.

If you are going to be so troubled by info stop your friend and at least tell her you'll probably have to run it your husband to cope.

At least make her aware her issues are going to shared and give her the choice to carry on taking.

Original poster
curiousturtle17 · 15/02/2022 15:29

@WouldIwasShookspeared

YANBU.

If she wanted him to know, she would tell him.

He seems overly interested in her. Does he have a crush on her?

No, he doesn't. He's just nosey.
OP posts:
Original poster
curiousturtle17 · 15/02/2022 15:30

@notacooldad

My DP gives great advice and keeps confidences so well. I have learnt from him, in fact. If i have been told somethibg in confidence, and it is troubling me, then i tell him If your friend wanted your husbands advice she would have asked him or asked you to ask him.

If you are going to be so troubled by info stop your friend and at least tell her you'll probably have to run it your husband to cope.

At least make her aware her issues are going to shared and give her the choice to carry on taking.

The only time I have ever had to reach out for external advice I've anonymised the situation and asked on forums specific to the issue.
OP posts:
Theblacksheepandme · 15/02/2022 15:30

He must be very bored. My husband would have absolutely no interest in my friends business. Tell him it is none of his business. YADNBU

grapewine · 15/02/2022 15:31

He's being so weird. It's nothing to do with him. YANBU.

SisterRuth · 15/02/2022 15:35

Tell him that your friend's life isn't a soap opera for his entertainment.

1000yellowdaisies · 15/02/2022 15:35

YANBU. Of course you should not be sharing her private conversations with you on to your husband. As you correctly said, you arent keeping secrets from him, they are not your secrets to share.

I had a similar situation years ago where a close friend of mine mentioned that her partner had free reign over her phone and regularly nosied through her messages and emails. I told her i wasnt aware of this and correspondence had been sent to HER as the intended recipient not her partner, her point was 'i have no secrets from partner', but I certainly did!
If you are close friends and she shares personal things with you, i wouldn't jeopardise that.
And if DH is mithering to know stuff, ask him why. Is it for her good? Or is it because he wants to know a piece of juicy gossip. We know the answer.

girlmom21 · 15/02/2022 15:36

My DP gives great advice and keeps confidences so well. I have learnt from him, in fact.

Sounds like you've got a lot more to learn...

2me2u2u2me · 15/02/2022 15:36

@SheldonesqueTheBstard

Why is he so interested? The taking it personally would put me right off.

Her secrets are not yours to tell.

He wouldn’t like it Un sure if you went blabbing his secrets.

Just get him telt.

"get him telt" never heard that in my life but I love it, my new phrase from today haha Grin
ScurryfungeMaster · 15/02/2022 15:46

YANBU at all! Why would your DH want you to break your friend's trust like that anyway? He has no need to know the intimate personal details of your friend's life let alone be annoyed with you for not sharing them like juicy gossip.

BornIn78 · 15/02/2022 15:52

He seems overly interested in her. Does he have a crush on her?

My thoughts exactly.

Original poster
curiousturtle17 · 15/02/2022 15:52

@1000yellowdaisies

YANBU. Of course you should not be sharing her private conversations with you on to your husband. As you correctly said, you arent keeping secrets from him, they are not your secrets to share.

I had a similar situation years ago where a close friend of mine mentioned that her partner had free reign over her phone and regularly nosied through her messages and emails. I told her i wasnt aware of this and correspondence had been sent to HER as the intended recipient not her partner, her point was 'i have no secrets from partner', but I certainly did!
If you are close friends and she shares personal things with you, i wouldn't jeopardise that.
And if DH is mithering to know stuff, ask him why. Is it for her good? Or is it because he wants to know a piece of juicy gossip. We know the answer.

I know a few people like this. Recently I found out that one of my other friends partners checks his phone and I was really taken aback. I've been struggling a little with anxiety and depression recently and had detailed this in a message but I hadn't realised I was telling both him and his partner!
OP posts:
Twinklights · 15/02/2022 16:18

I genuinely wish I had a friend like you. If I need advice I always have to weigh up which of my friends partners/husbands I’m comfortable with knowing.

Immunetypegoblin · 15/02/2022 16:39

Talk to her and discuss a good lie to tell him - one where she can provide solid proof that it's false. Agree this between you, then tell him. Count down the days before he lets on to her what he's been told. Confront him and use that as your justification for never talking to him about her private life again.

StormTreader · 15/02/2022 16:59

Honestly I suspect the reason he's suddenly so interested is because he's worried the reason your friends relationship broke down is because she was suddenly done with all of her partners shit, and he's thinking about all the shit he pulls.

He's concerned that your conversations now consist of "seriously @curiousturtle17 , your DH is worse than mine was, just chuck him and you'll feel so much better and we'll go out together as single girls and pull some much better blokes!"