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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want another baby?

45 replies

keyhole · 01/01/2008 21:10

I have two beautiful dd's (4 and 2) and am blessed. But... I have this constant ache for another. DH says we can't afford it and has always said he wanted two. He worries that we won't afford the mortgage if I have a years maternity leave (which we probably wouldn't) .... I know in my head all the facts and figures but I can't let it go. I feel we only have a limited 'child making ' time and then a lifetime of sorting out the debt. Our only real debt is the mortgage, we are fairly high earners and as I work part time, I have always reasoned that I can make up any deficit by getting a full time post and climb ladder once girls are older.

I worry that this could put a strain on our relationship. I love my dh and girls soooo much, I don't want to sour things and I would never "accidentally" fall pregnant. BUT I also think life is so short and I don't want to have regrets. At the moment I feel that I have another baby in me I just haven't made it yet - does that sound unreasonable or just down right strange? Would appreciate thoughts ....

OP posts:

PoinsettiaBouquets · 02/01/2008 19:27

I wrote the same post a year ago! I was getting myself very upset and starting to resent DH.
Schedule another chat about it with him for 6months time - things may change.

carmenelectra · 02/01/2008 22:15

i really, truly dont think these feelings go away, well i know they wont for me thats for sure.

I am that kind of person that when i get something in my head thats it.

When i was preg in the summer i was absolutely certain i wouldnt have any more, but now im certain i will. part of the reason is i do want a girl, but its not the only one. I know if i dont have another that in 10yrs when its too late i will be thinking about it. Think it depends whether you are the kind of person to obsess about something. Also, your age is a factor. If you are still young then wait a bit as there is no rush and then see how you feel.

Financially it would be luxuries for us(which we have too many of - well i do!) and practicalities, as i said before. I dont drive so it would mean double buggy on the bus. Two hotel rooms when we go abroad. We only have a 3 bed house so it would mean ds 1 and 2 sharing, but whats wrong with that? its hardly slummimg it. I spoke to one of my friends about this and she said well these are hardly good reasons for not having another, shes right!

I do work 4 days and i cannut afford to cut hours but my hrs are quite flexible.

NorthernLurker · 02/01/2008 22:19

here's a thought - as far as I know SMP is going up to 12 months from April 2009. So give yourself 8-9 months to refelct on this and then if you still want to go for it at least you know you'll get SMP for a year - or by the end of the summer these feelings may have receded.

carmenelectra · 02/01/2008 22:21

hey, its worth having a baby just to get that long off work

pinkyminky · 02/01/2008 22:33

I'm having the exact same dilemma.
I started giving away baby things when dd was about six months old, then I just couldn't shake the feeling that I wasn't finished having babies and can't give away/sell anything else.
It's hard to know if it's just sadness that this part of my life will be over soon,(though why on earth I shouldn't be happy- I had awful, hyperemesis pregnancies and c-sections, and now have a boy and a girl) but I really want another child!
DH is coming round to the idea v.slowly.
I'm in my late thirties, so it's a decision that can't wait too long.

BibiThree · 02/01/2008 22:35

I feel this way too. Would love another dd or a ds to go along with my 3 dds. DH says no way.

You have my complete sympathy, we've had a lot of arguments about this lately, mainly my fault I'd say for changing my mind - was adamant after having dts that there would be no more - but the old biological clock is ticking - wish i could take the bl**dy batteries out!

pinkyminky · 02/01/2008 22:40

BibiThree- how many women in the world must second that sentiment! My SIL has one child and cannot have any more. It makes me feel greedy.

carmenelectra · 02/01/2008 23:12

i just wish i was 25. HATE feeling like time is running out. Or even if i was 30 id have loads of time...

pinkyminky · 02/01/2008 23:59

IKWYM. many of my friends have the luxury of time to make decisions about a third child.
I'm thinking...the advantage of having babies close together is that you have all the stuff. I have cots, double
buggy, nappies, clothes galore.
We bought a really big family tent for holidays, so no fancy hotels for us anyway.
I fear spoiling things for my two existing children - but I think that has more to do with being the third child myself and being on the receiving end of some rather dysfunctional parenting....

PoinsettiaBouquets · 03/01/2008 10:07

Keyhole, maybe you can persuade him that another baby would be different once your DC2 starts school. My two are also 4 and 2 and it was hellish for both me and DH last time. I convinced him that once they were both at school having a baby would be a totally different experience, we'd be able to appreciate it more - like first time parents with experience! Once he agreed it was a possibility one day, it got much easier to cope with the broodiness (which incidentally is totally chemical - makes you crazy.)
We had a genuine accident in November and DH is over the moon about it, despite his horror of the idea last Jan. Mind you the accident probably wouldn't have happened if we weren't using a 2wkwithcondoms-2wkwithout method - got drunk and we both forgot what week it was!

inthegutter · 03/01/2008 10:54

I think the point about 'Do you want another baby or another CHILD' is absolutely spot on. The hormonal yearning for a cuddly newborn to breastfeed is a natural feeling, and one which probably won't go away whether you already have 2 kids or 6! Think ahead to whether you really want another PERSON in your family, and how that will change the dynamics etc. Babies don't stay babies for long! I agree that there are no simple answers. However, I DON'T agree that waiting for dc 1 and 2 to be in school is the answer. From what I've seen among friends who do this, it simply extends the period of time you'll be struggling and unable to earn to your full potential, plus the larger age gap can prove tricky once you've gone beyond the easy baby stage. IMO if you decide you both want number 3, then bite the bullet and go for it now, so you'll have 3 children close in age. Then once they're all in school, you'll find you're able to earn decent money again without it going on childcare.

carmenelectra · 03/01/2008 11:23

i have often wished in th past that i would maybe get preg by accident cos it sort of makes your mind up doesnt it? I think it is terribly hard decision to go for 2nd ot 3rd child compared to your first. We have always been careful about contraception but even on the occasions yrs ago, in the past etc, we havent ive never got preg this way. Dont think im that fertile.

Just out of interest, has anyone out there got preg whilst using condoms(properly), any split etc? We using condoms and not effective if used correctly just wondered

carmenelectra · 03/01/2008 11:54

sorry i meant i know they are effective if used properly!

Used wondered how many are likely to split etc?

PoinsettiaBouquets · 03/01/2008 12:39

Our 2nd was a result of a split (again we were drunk and only remembered when my AF was late!) I blame Greek condoms (we were on holiday) but don't know if Greek birth stats back that theory up {grin].

carmenelectra · 03/01/2008 12:46

Have used condoms since having ds2 ad also before trying for him and never had any accidents with them splitting, but i was curious how many out there it hads happened to. You always hear about it dont you? Or maybe that's just in magazines that i read!

Well it has happened to you Poinsetta! Our condoms are English so maybe we will be ok

PoinsettiaBouquets · 03/01/2008 12:56

Have never had a Durex or Mates split .
But I seem to remember our Greek adventure was pretty aerobic LOL, DH still says it was worth another baby just for that one night of feeling like a total porn star!!!

carmenelectra · 03/01/2008 13:04

oh i doubt the missonary is gonna split a condom then(!)

MrsTittleMouse · 03/01/2008 13:16

We've had one split and one come off, but we turned out to be infertile, so the morning-after pill was a bit redundant.
We did have an awful lot of sex and used a awful lot of condoms though, so the % fail was quite low.

Original poster

keyhole · 03/01/2008 14:34

Thanks for all the advice. We had a chat about it again last night - at the mo it is just chatting and not arguing. He said we should wait.
Really see that baby not a child point. I have missed my dd1 soooo much since she started school, will need to have a big think about whether I am missing a baby or want a child.
Also I always saw myself as having a large family so that could be why I don't feel 'done' yet.
I also know though that I have to be realistic, we enjoy a fairly good standard of living but not a ott luxurious existence by any stretch. My dad always said to me that 'when debt walks through the door love flies out the window'. For the family I have now that is the last thing I want. Just need to hope the lotto numbers come up.....

OP posts:

DarrellRivers · 03/01/2008 14:56

i'm also hoping for the lotto

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