To look forward to GP’s passing?

[blackdumpling]

Hoping to learn if my feelings are unreasonable & callous or OK

My GM looked after us growing up with lots of babysitting
She was always cooking us a big meal at special occasions
She is always delighted to have family around
She is very religious & highly family oriented
She is I suppose in many ways a stereotypical traditional ethnic grandparent

She has every time I have ever seen her lamented that I don’t speak her native language
I am almost 40 and without fail she mentions this every single time see her
This has caused me to grow up feeling like a disappointment to her
She has literally never once asked me a question about myself
She only talks about herself

She can be controlling & manipulative to other family members
She seems to have a negative & complaining mindset - glass half full type
She guilt trips & am told she can be quite nasty in how she speaks to/about certain family members in private
She is given a free pass by everyone as she is the matriarch of the family
Most of what she says I do miss as don’t speak her native language
She can often say things to my family members then later deny saying things
She can play mind games with other family members

Since my GF passed 5 years ago she has refused to sleep alone.
She has more than enough money to go to a 5 star nursing home
Or pay for in home nursing etc
But she insists that other family members leave their own families to sleep at her place
At this point I am quite certain she is milking it for attention.
She has constant visitors, she is never alone for even 1 day.

She has always spoken at length & regularly about all her health issues/ailments
I have for my whole life felt trapped when she talks at you about her health, which can go on for hours with no escape
To this day I feel panicked if am trapped in a conversation with someone
Every single time see her I leave feeling drained & exhausted
Hand on heart I would have visited her more over the years if she didn’t trap you for hours
Guilting me when I try to leave
To this day I can’t tolerate anybody discussing their health issues for more than a few minutes
I also avoid getting my health issues treated or talking about them to anyone
As would hate to make anybody else feel the way she made me feel

She has actually ironically for the most part been of good health (90+ now)
She contracted Covid recently & has recovered remarkably quickly
With no apparent symptoms at all

Am I evil for kind of wishing she had died of Covid?
Or not wishing, but assumed it would get her
It hasn’t and am a little disappointed
When they told me she had Covid I literally felt nothing
She refused to get vaccinated BTW & caused a big family drama with everyone worrying & fussing over her

I just feel like when she passes I will feel relief of the obligation of having to see her again
That she can never again get to tell me how disappointed she is in me

AIBU to harbour these secret feelings?
I have always played the dutiful role of GD and always make conversation with her
She would have no idea of the animosity I feel towards her

Is it OK to feel these things in private?
That I joked to myself “well if Covid can’t kill her nothing can!”
(Do use humour to help with painful situations in life)
I do feel bad for my parent & other family who will be devastated when they pass
But am I heartless?
All replies & advice appreciated

Thank you

I have voted yabu. I do sympathise. My grandfather was similar. He emotionally abused my mum and her sisters their whole life.

Then he got dementia and it became worse. I helped care for him, because it was aging my mum so much, despite lots of family health. You could see her struggling and I worried it would kill her. As an aside, she died a few weeks ago. Only 5 years after my grandfather at the age of 66. She never got back to full health after caring for him.

But I digress. I think there's nothing wrong with acknowledging there will be relief when she, eventually, dies. But I think looking forward to it and actively hoping for it is completely different.

You can't control who she is. But you can control your own. I understand family and cultural problems. Mum's family is Irish and my Dad's is South Asian, so I get that you feel you don't have a choice sometimes or feel the family expect you to do certain things.

My advice would be to subtly, distance yourself. You may not like who she is, but hoping and looking forward to her death, doesn't sit right for me. But that is only my opinion, doesn't mean its right though.

Yanbu

Focus on getting yourself to a happier place. There's nothing nice about wishing someone dead. That's twisted.

Dear God. Of all the nasty posts I’ve ever seen on here that really takes the biscuit. Perhaps just don’t see her?

Thanks for all your replies so far

@Blossomtoes
These aren’t feelings I am happy or comfortable having. Unfortunately no contact is not an option, I do avoid spending time with her but no contact is just not possible.

I have not meant to be nasty & am never nasty to her. Just distant and indifferent I suppose

It was probably worded badly.
I don’t sit around wishing she would die
I just know will feel relieved

Also for the record she is not a dotty old woman
She is sharp as a tack

I remember a feeling of relief when we got the news that grandmother had died. My first thought was "well, that's the end of her shit-stirring then" and immediately felt a tad ashamed for that thought. She loved nothing better than to fall out with people, play the victim, or pit people against each other in the family. She was a weapon, if I'm honest.

But all that died with her, and now she's some sort of sainted memory amongst her offspring and they've forgotten all the times when she caused chaos.

Some of what you describe is just very typical of a lady of her age but there's other elements that point to a domineering, critical and difficult person and if you got on very well with her, some of the assistance /company she wants would be given willingly and with love.

It's not ideal but we can't change this kind of feeling and no it doesn't make you awful. Notice it, let it go.

@Drinkingallthewine
Love the name

Appreciate your message, from someone who has felt similarly
Interesting you talk about them being sainted in passing
I’m sure she will be remembered well

Do understand that most elderly people will be preoccupied with ageing related conditions & their health
It’s just she has been this way for at least 40 years now
I don’t think it’s normal to talk about yourself for hours on end
Never asking how anyone else is
Or anything about their lives
Sometimes I sit there with a bland smile pasted on my face
And wonder to myself “can you not tell how uncomfortable I am? Do you even care?”
It’s like there is no concept of how a conversation goes
The older I get the more convinced I am that she is just rude & self centred

The last thing you said resonated with me
If she behaved like a loving & maternal grandparent
She would get the attention & company willingly

It’s like she has been acting though she has one foot in the grave my whole life
Even when she was in great health
And I am supposed to care now that she finally has something real
But I can’t

I will say she has babysat 2 generations of grand / great grandchildren
So every time I read people here complaining at lack of childcare from GPs
I feel even worse
Because she did all that for our family
Which other families would kill for
But I still don’t like her

@Blossomtoes

Dear God. Of all the nasty posts I’ve ever seen on here that really takes the biscuit. Perhaps just don’t see her?

Exactly this. How Bloody nasty of You.

Nasty. Hopefully any future grandchildren of yours won't feel the same way. Wishing an elderly family member dead is a new low, even for MN

You could've learned her native language if you were that bothered about communicating with her.

Yes she talks about illness etc but that's what a lot of elderly GPs of a certain generation do and you don't have to see her or see less of her if that bothers you and her other downsides.

I think maybe she realises you don't like her and see her out of duty so she makes least effort with you, don't blame her.

The babysitting is amazing for the great and grandchildren. Most GPs I know of my generation either did or didn't do that - I'm 50. My nana certainly didn't do it (DM's mum) and step-grandma (DM's stepmum) didn't do that either - paid care but when we were older. They both had us occasionally as kids but very rare.

You can't help the way you feel so YANBU.

I’m not from an ethnic background so I could be wide of the point but my own GM was similar, played the victim, would always get what she wanted, never appreciated anything, moaned all the time etc. I’m other ways she was ok but we all felt a weight lifted when she passed.

In other ways

I do sort of get how you feel as DF's parents - his mum was lovely but DF who was British wasn't nice, they fell out with my DM so meant we didn't see them when parents divorced when I was 5.

DF was an only child and saw his DPs on a regular basis but his DM was always lovely and DF wasn't. I recall my stepmum complaining about DF (her FIL) as he got Parkinsons and outlived my DGM on that side and wasn't nice when DGM died - got rid of all her clothes, jewellery etc not giving to DGC. I never knew him thank god and got out of going to see him and he disliked my DM so he probably would've disliked me and DB. I would never have wished him dead though.

I do understand where you’re coming from.
Perhaps only those with narcissistic close family members understand these kind of dark thoughts. It’s not comparable to your situation but at nearly 40, I’m still terrified of my abusive father and I know that when he dies, it will be a great relief for me. A friend of mine posted today on Facebook about the death anniversary of her mother who also abused her as a child and the freedom and relief she felt when her mother passed away.
Perhaps AIBU is not the right place to post about this kind of sensitive issues but the Stately Homes thread in relationships is a better place. Lots of understanding posters there that have had to deal with difficult family members.

You're wishing somebody dead because it's easier then standing up to them and putting in healthy boundaries to minimise the impact of their negative behaviour. It's a coward's way out because you don't have to do anything, or confront your own insecurities and failings.

Not judging you, I did exactly the same thing with an abusive parent. It's only now, 2 years after his passing that I can see I made things much harder for myself by just silently wishing him gone.

Not wanting to see someone, resenting someone for their attitude is one thing.

Wishing someone dead is on a whole other level and says a lot more about you than it does her.

I have an ex family member who has essentially fallen out with his sister because of how things were handled when their dad died. He’s not a bad man, he’s a grumpy git but that’s about the level of it. However he’s now terminally ill, and whenever anyone asks his sister how he is she says, “dead hopefully.” ironically she’s fallen out with most of her family and portrays herself as the victim while leading the world to believe that the family are the toxic ones.

I understand where you are coming from. My father is in late stages of dementia and on palliative care. He caught Covid a year ago. He has been bed bound since then and has no quality of life. Doesn't know who we are, has no memories of his family. He can't get out of bed, sit up, wash himself, feed himself, put a cup to his mouth, is doubly incontinent. It would have been kinder to him had Covid taken him rather than having left him as he is. He would not want to be in the situation he is. He is skeletal, has sores, sleeps most of the time. It is not 'living' by any stretch of the imagination.

Yes YABU. No contact is absolutely an option. You dont need to listen to her and she cant make you (or anyone else) do anything.

@Justcallmebebes I don’t have or want children, why do people always assume women have or want children? Fun auntie only over here.

@Gonnagetgoing to give context I did know how to speak the language
After I reached school age forgot the language
She laments how disappointed she is I have lost the language
That isn’t my fault
It’s my parents fault really for not sending me to Italian school
I do still know some dialect
It’s not enough for her
Not knowing Italian has been a big regret in life due to her being so disappointed in me
But have lots of hobbies & pastimes
Relearning a language just hasn’t been something I have prioritised I guess.
Also why should I learn a language just to appease her?
She speaks English perfectly well
We have never had communication issues
I don’t get why you would choose to immigrate to a country
Then be upset & disappointed that the offspring have embraced that country’s language & culture

She is not this way because she is “elderly”
She has always been this way
I understand and accept elderly people are preoccupied with their health
This isn’t to do with her being geriatric
She has been this way since she was in her 50s at least

I am certain she has no clue I feel this way
Don’t think she has ever once thought how I am or how I feel
I understand it’s not a nice thing to say or feel

Don't feel bad. Many people with narcissistic family members will feel the same. Your thoughts and feelings will have no effect whatever on your GM's health or longevity - they are quite simply private thoughts, unbidden and troubling to you. Your behaviour towards your DGM is the only thing that matters, and that sounds absolutely fine. It was perhaps a mistake to put this on MN, as there are so many judgmental posters here. They are lucky never to have had dark thoughts themselves - or maybe they have been very lucky and experienced nothing that would ever cause them to resent a family member.

I can understand why you wouldn't miss her but to actually look forward to her dying seems really nasty.

@ minmooch but there is a vast difference between feeling relieved when someone dies because their quality of life is such that they are just surviving and not living.It will be a release, and wishing someone dead because of the person they are and because the person wishing them dead would rather they died than that that person simply cut contact.