To look forward to GP’s passing?

[blackdumpling]

Hoping to learn if my feelings are unreasonable & callous or OK

My GM looked after us growing up with lots of babysitting
She was always cooking us a big meal at special occasions
She is always delighted to have family around
She is very religious & highly family oriented
She is I suppose in many ways a stereotypical traditional ethnic grandparent

She has every time I have ever seen her lamented that I don’t speak her native language
I am almost 40 and without fail she mentions this every single time see her
This has caused me to grow up feeling like a disappointment to her
She has literally never once asked me a question about myself
She only talks about herself

She can be controlling & manipulative to other family members
She seems to have a negative & complaining mindset - glass half full type
She guilt trips & am told she can be quite nasty in how she speaks to/about certain family members in private
She is given a free pass by everyone as she is the matriarch of the family
Most of what she says I do miss as don’t speak her native language
She can often say things to my family members then later deny saying things
She can play mind games with other family members

Since my GF passed 5 years ago she has refused to sleep alone.
She has more than enough money to go to a 5 star nursing home
Or pay for in home nursing etc
But she insists that other family members leave their own families to sleep at her place
At this point I am quite certain she is milking it for attention.
She has constant visitors, she is never alone for even 1 day.

She has always spoken at length & regularly about all her health issues/ailments
I have for my whole life felt trapped when she talks at you about her health, which can go on for hours with no escape
To this day I feel panicked if am trapped in a conversation with someone
Every single time see her I leave feeling drained & exhausted
Hand on heart I would have visited her more over the years if she didn’t trap you for hours
Guilting me when I try to leave
To this day I can’t tolerate anybody discussing their health issues for more than a few minutes
I also avoid getting my health issues treated or talking about them to anyone
As would hate to make anybody else feel the way she made me feel

She has actually ironically for the most part been of good health (90+ now)
She contracted Covid recently & has recovered remarkably quickly
With no apparent symptoms at all

Am I evil for kind of wishing she had died of Covid?
Or not wishing, but assumed it would get her
It hasn’t and am a little disappointed
When they told me she had Covid I literally felt nothing
She refused to get vaccinated BTW & caused a big family drama with everyone worrying & fussing over her

I just feel like when she passes I will feel relief of the obligation of having to see her again
That she can never again get to tell me how disappointed she is in me

AIBU to harbour these secret feelings?
I have always played the dutiful role of GD and always make conversation with her
She would have no idea of the animosity I feel towards her

Is it OK to feel these things in private?
That I joked to myself “well if Covid can’t kill her nothing can!”
(Do use humour to help with painful situations in life)
I do feel bad for my parent & other family who will be devastated when they pass
But am I heartless?
All replies & advice appreciated

Thank you

If you were nasty and evil you would not be feeling guilty about not liking your granny, whom you're obliged to see because you'll blow up your relationship with the rest of your family if you don't. It's ok to think she's a cow and think you'll be relieved when you don't have to see her anymore. It is not the same thing as wishing to see her suffer.

@Mynameisnew thanks you’re so right
I don’t wish her dead
I wish she was proud of me or took any interest in me as a person
To have a GM who has never asked you how you are is not nice.
Just wish she could be nice to me
Good on you for instilling your kids’ connection to their culture!
Being bilingual as an adult is a great strength & advantage in life
Like you say it is constant learning & hard work to keep it up
Am sure your kids will be happy to be bilingual in adulthood

[quote blackdumpling]@Ponoka7 that is not true
I said I feel bad for other family members who will be devestated by her passing

Not agreeing with me is fine but please read my posts before assuming I don’t care about my family

Also someone else said she sounds like a peach
She is not a peach & she has been quite nasty to and about other family members

I find it interesting so many people seem to have animosity towards their MILs
But to feel animosity towards your GM is not ok

Anyways I appreciate your post even if it is disagreeing or you think am awful[/quote]
And compared to many discussed on here she's a peach.

Was what I said. Not the same thing. Many complained of on here have her bad traits plus others on top.
And would not have done any of the kinder things she's done.

However, you don't have to like her. But you did say that you 'looked forward to her passing' which I do think is not a nice thing to say (understatement)

I think it’s just you feeling that rather than dealing with the issue, you would rather she just disappear. You just need to learn how to deal with it yourself and put in boundaries so that she doesn’t negatively impact your life. You don’t have to put up with any of her behaviour - old age doesn’t give anyone a free pass to be unreasonable, and, in fact, you could just go very low contact or no contact. You can’t wish for someone to be gone just because that’s an easier option than standing up to them.

So you don’t see her often and are still looking forward to her passing? (Same as wishing her dead in my book)

You can go nc and problem solved.

But of course that might affect who she might want her beneficiaries to be.

I get it, I really do. They're secret feelings, you're allowed to have those.

Try to understand her though. For example she may not like sleeping alone due to trauma from being attacked at some point in her life or something like that. People are complex. Old people have often been through alot of painful stuff. Ask her about Italy in the 50s and 60s. There was incredible poverty and pain after the war, she will have grown up in that.

Wow, there are some incredibly judgemental people posting here.

OP, it's understandable and don't let those kind of comments get to you. You can't help how you feel.

As a PP said, anyone who has had a narcissist or otherwise abusive person in their life knows these feelings all too well. It's not so much about wishing ill on the person, it's wishing for freedom and peace for yourself.

As for the comment that OP should have learned the language to avoid disappointing the GM, bloody hell.

You have articulated your feelings very well and you’ve been honest and I don’t think you are being nasty or unreasonable at all! You have justification for resenting her behaviour and hoping that COVID would put an end to her nonsense which is probably quite normal but a feeling most wouldn’t admit to.

@blackdumpling

Would say only think of this very occasionally It’s not something that I think about all the time It’s something have only acknowledged & realised in adulthood Was only about 5 years ago even realised I didn’t actually like her And identified why I felt so numb about her I just parroted that I loved her As that’s what you do As an adult you realise things which puts your past in perspective As an adult now Am angry someone would hassle a child over something like that constantly I could never see myself telling my adorable nephews every time I see them How they have disappointed me and never ask them a question ever Then expect them to love me because duty

@blackdumpling - I had these sorts of feelings towards an aunt (half sister) of DM's - she was quite judgmental and would say really unkind things once about me being unmarried at something like 21 or 22 at a funeral! (I had been engaged recently too).

I think it was mostly because she didn't know me or DB but she also just had a tactless side and didn't have a good relationship with her DM (my nana).

It was interesting after nana died as I went to stay with my aunt and she told me about her life away from nana (she was sent away to live etc - war years).

But I made an effort after that to visit her and my uncle (her DH) and with my DM we sent them gifts, emails, rang them and saw them and generally kept in touch. Now, she's the loveliest aunt out there and her relationship with my DM which was a bit strained (aunt thought DM was favourite) has changed - I mean it was always nice but is now so close.

Did your kids or the other kids say grandma made them feel bad as a person? That's not nice. My nana was 'strict' but always encouraged us.

I don’t think you are looking forward to her dying, or wishing her dead, just that you are wishing for an end to her abuse, and the death is simply the path to that. You are looking forward to not having that toxic family member in your life. I think people without family members like this don’t get it. It’s just the only escape you can see. Maybe look at some other ways you may be able to get some relief in the meantime.

Was what I said. Not the same thing. Many complained of on here have her bad traits plus others on top.
And would not have done any of the kinder things she's done.

My grandmother could show 'kindness', it was often anything but. Just a pointed away of doing down someone else, usually one of her other grandchildren.

The sad thing is she'd tell stories of her childhood, and her mum was exactly the same, and the behaviours she complained about, she never seemed to realise that she was repeating them.

@blackdumpling

Can I just say it’s not like Covid hit And I thought gleefully “oh good I hope this nasty virus gets grandma!” She only caught Covid very recently and it was a surprise to us all As have said several times would never be mean to her Or hurt her by cutting her off I have too much respect for my family to do that

Also as someone said before about men vs women - yes she does seem to treat the females in family differently
The females seem get her mean side
The males are treated like Demi gods
Ultimately it is my father’s “fault” for losing the language
He was never engaged in our learning / education
If it was important to him he would have spoken to me in the language
He never bothered
But my father can do no wrong in her eyes
My father has no explanation for why he allowed that to happen
I guess it wasn’t important to him so ultimately it’s him who is responsible if blame can be placed somewhere

@blackdumpling - I see this a way a bit with my family on dad's side - Cypriot and have a tendency to see males as demi gods and daughters can get the other side! My boyfriend is Cypriot too and there's somewhat that attitude there - has changed over the years though.

Funny you should say that about your father's fault in losing the language - my DGF (mum's DF) was German mother and English/French father and DGF grew up fluent in German, English and later Dutch, he even taught in Berlitz language schools. He came to UK in early 20s but apart from a handful of conversations and lessons didn't teach his 3 DDs any language. DM who lived with him until 13 with her DGM (his mum) said they rowed in German and spoke in French about topics they didn't want her to understand!

@Nogardenersworld

I don’t think you are looking forward to her dying, or wishing her dead, just that you are wishing for an end to her abuse, and the death is simply the path to that. You are looking forward to not having that toxic family member in your life. I think people without family members like this don’t get it. It’s just the only escape you can see. Maybe look at some other ways you may be able to get some relief in the meantime.

@Nogardenersworld - I do get it re toxic family members but the fact is in my experience they don't or won't change.

Often it's learned behaviour sometimes from historical events which happened in their lives and changed them (DGF having to leave Germany etc and losing family home twice due to WW1 and 2) and shapes their character.

I often think that often these people don't realise they are abusive or the affect it has - and sometimes use their age and era as an excuse to be a certain way as OP has said when of course we know that's not good!

I'm quite surprised people are calling you nasty or saying you should feel bad.

You don't have to like people or pretend to like them. Some people have unpleasant traits, and babysitting two generations of your own family doesn't give you the right to domineer, stir up trouble, or make unreasonable demands on family members.

I would recommend you see a counselor about your inability to speak about your health concerns. This is a serious matter, and an indication of just how much your GM dominates all in her orbit.

I think OP that despite your negative feelings towards your DGM, you are still trying to make it "work" when you see her - sitting down to talk to her, make biscotti etc. I recognise some of this from my own experience, and want to say to you - don't do it. The negativity you feel is real and justified, so please do not cover it up with your efforts to get on with her. If you do so, it wil just feed your resentment, which is not healthy for you, and undermine your own feelings of authenticity about yourself. And it will also lead to more disappointments for you from her. You know she is not going to change. Instead, distance yourself emotionally. She wont be asking about you in any conversation, so if you have to see her, just go in a big family group, be there so you have put in attendance when you need to, but don't get involved with talking to her, one to one. If she does speak to you, you could use the grey rock technique if you must speak to her. This is effective in protecting you from her negativity, but has the side effect of distancing yourself emotionally from the other person. Do these things to protect yourself, rather than interact with her which would then leave you feeling angry and resentful and undermined.

You also need to keep on working with a counselor wrt boundaries.

It seems to me that your GM presided over a toxic family dynamic.

There is a book by Susan Forward - 'Toxic Parents'. I recommend it.

She sounds as if she is a narcissist. My mil is one. The digs, the emotional blackmail, the constant stress I felt when I saw her.
Fortunately I've been NC for over 2 years and it's complete bliss.
I understand what you're going through. She might have been helpful etc but you can't help the way you feel. My dh has been depressed since he was a child due to his parents' behaviour. When I mentioned that to them, their only reply was that his siblings seemed ok and that he was exaggerating. When I reminded them that one of their children tried to commit suicide, they just ignored me again.

I know it might sound awful to some, but I hope for your sake that she goes soon.

As it says GP, I thought you would be talking about your doctor!

@whatwasIgoingtosay

Don't feel bad. Many people with narcissistic family members will feel the same. Your thoughts and feelings will have no effect whatever on your GM's health or longevity - they are quite simply private thoughts, unbidden and troubling to you. Your behaviour towards your DGM is the only thing that matters, and that sounds absolutely fine. It was perhaps a mistake to put this on MN, as there are so many judgmental posters here. They are lucky never to have had dark thoughts themselves - or maybe they have been very lucky and experienced nothing that would ever cause them to resent a family member.

I agree with this.

You don’t have to like your relatives just because you’re related to them.
I think maybe you should think about your health anxiety, not having symptoms investigated or treated isn’t good.
All I can think of is instead of spending time with your GM which stresses you, call in “ on your way to an appointment” with a plant / small bunch of flowers. You probably can’t get away with this every visit but maybe 1 in 3, 1 in 2 ?

We can choose our friends but we can't choose our relatives.
YANBU.

If you had the superpower/ability to kill people off with a single lightening strike and nobody would ever know it was you, woukd you do it to your GM?