To look forward to GP’s passing?

[blackdumpling]

Hoping to learn if my feelings are unreasonable & callous or OK

My GM looked after us growing up with lots of babysitting
She was always cooking us a big meal at special occasions
She is always delighted to have family around
She is very religious & highly family oriented
She is I suppose in many ways a stereotypical traditional ethnic grandparent

She has every time I have ever seen her lamented that I don’t speak her native language
I am almost 40 and without fail she mentions this every single time see her
This has caused me to grow up feeling like a disappointment to her
She has literally never once asked me a question about myself
She only talks about herself

She can be controlling & manipulative to other family members
She seems to have a negative & complaining mindset - glass half full type
She guilt trips & am told she can be quite nasty in how she speaks to/about certain family members in private
She is given a free pass by everyone as she is the matriarch of the family
Most of what she says I do miss as don’t speak her native language
She can often say things to my family members then later deny saying things
She can play mind games with other family members

Since my GF passed 5 years ago she has refused to sleep alone.
She has more than enough money to go to a 5 star nursing home
Or pay for in home nursing etc
But she insists that other family members leave their own families to sleep at her place
At this point I am quite certain she is milking it for attention.
She has constant visitors, she is never alone for even 1 day.

She has always spoken at length & regularly about all her health issues/ailments
I have for my whole life felt trapped when she talks at you about her health, which can go on for hours with no escape
To this day I feel panicked if am trapped in a conversation with someone
Every single time see her I leave feeling drained & exhausted
Hand on heart I would have visited her more over the years if she didn’t trap you for hours
Guilting me when I try to leave
To this day I can’t tolerate anybody discussing their health issues for more than a few minutes
I also avoid getting my health issues treated or talking about them to anyone
As would hate to make anybody else feel the way she made me feel

She has actually ironically for the most part been of good health (90+ now)
She contracted Covid recently & has recovered remarkably quickly
With no apparent symptoms at all

Am I evil for kind of wishing she had died of Covid?
Or not wishing, but assumed it would get her
It hasn’t and am a little disappointed
When they told me she had Covid I literally felt nothing
She refused to get vaccinated BTW & caused a big family drama with everyone worrying & fussing over her

I just feel like when she passes I will feel relief of the obligation of having to see her again
That she can never again get to tell me how disappointed she is in me

AIBU to harbour these secret feelings?
I have always played the dutiful role of GD and always make conversation with her
She would have no idea of the animosity I feel towards her

Is it OK to feel these things in private?
That I joked to myself “well if Covid can’t kill her nothing can!”
(Do use humour to help with painful situations in life)
I do feel bad for my parent & other family who will be devastated when they pass
But am I heartless?
All replies & advice appreciated

Thank you

I was sort of thinking you were being quite harsh on your doctor before I read your post.

It's up to your family members whether they stay with her or not. Just don't have anything to do with her and stop wishing people dead. It's bad karma.

When DF died I was quite stunned that it felt like an actual weight lifting of my shoulders - such relief, I think it was.
He was an alcoholic for most of my life - selfish, miserable. But I was still dutiful as you are OP.

Have been reading all your replies & appreciate all the replies
Sorry to those who have also had complex relationships with difficult family members

Interesting that they way i feel is cowardly when really wanted to stand up to her
Have never thought about putting her in her place
Or setting a boundary
That’s given me a lot of things to think about
I wish had asked a long time ago if she can not express anymore disappointment
For something which was not my fault
Maybe things could have been different

Thanks

But she is the matriarch
Talking back to your GPs is just not on
It’s never crossed my mind
Just smile & tolerate it
As a grown up also have poor boundaries & doing lots of work on this area

Hmm lots to think about now

why is no contact not an option?

@blackdumpling

I will say she has babysat 2 generations of grand / great grandchildren So every time I read people here complaining at lack of childcare from GPs I feel even worse Because she did all that for our family Which other families would kill for But I still don’t like her

You don't have to like her and you are perfectly at liberty to distance yourself from her.

But as far as you are concerned any good she's done is totally outweighed by the 'bad' for which you have no tolerance. And compared to many discussed on here she's a peach. Self-obsessed yes, but that isn't entirely unusual.

I think your OP is worded very, very badly and none of it. to be fair seems to reflect well on you

My Mother barely spent anytime on her own. My adult DDs would stay overnight if asked to. One of us would take her out in her wheelchair everyday. She wasn't particularly living and had been abusive towards me as a child. We still wanted to do what we did. As said work on your own boundaries and stop trying to dictate what other people do. You are entitled to your feelings. You did wish her dead, which was disgusting considering there was no abuse. There was no thought for other family members in that either.

Your thoughts and feelings will have no effect whatever on your GM's health or longevity - they are quite simply private thoughts, unbidden and troubling to you. Your behaviour towards your DGM is the only thing that matters, and that sounds absolutely fine.

I agree with this OP. I had similar dark thoughts about my MIL who was a manipulative alcoholic. I did try to distance myself from her as I recognised that having these sorts of thoughts whilst understandable in my situation are also unpleasant thoughts to have. After she died my DH told me privately how relieved he was that she was gone and then how horrible he felt for feeling that and to be honest I felt exaclty the same.

So I think it's quite natural to have these thoughts OP, it doesn't mean you have to act any differently towards her but do try to acknowledge that they're unpleasant thoughts for you to have and therefore let them go when they pop into your head.

I was so relieved when my MIL died. She was a nasty, interfering, manipulative woman. I don't think you are nasty at all you just feel controlled, manipulated and guilted by her, and it's not always easy to put in boundaries when no one else in the family does and you know they will all judge you negatively for it as well.
You don't like her but you're forced to see her and that is bound to lead to resentment. It's not good but not always as easy to stop as others would suggest.
There's nothing wrong with secretly wishing someone dead IMO. It's a coping mechanism and has no impact on them. It's a shame you have been forced into this position one way or another though as it's you that it takes the toll on.
From what you've said though OP I'd say she ticks a lot of boxes for narcissism - controlling, manipulative, lying, gas lighting, likes to be centre of attention - complete emotional vampire.

@AlDanvers

I have voted yabu. I do sympathise. My grandfather was similar. He emotionally abused my mum and her sisters their whole life.

Then he got dementia and it became worse. I helped care for him, because it was aging my mum so much, despite lots of family health. You could see her struggling and I worried it would kill her. As an aside, she died a few weeks ago. Only 5 years after my grandfather at the age of 66. She never got back to full health after caring for him.

But I digress. I think there's nothing wrong with acknowledging there will be relief when she, eventually, dies. But I think looking forward to it and actively hoping for it is completely different.

You can't control who she is. But you can control your own. I understand family and cultural problems. Mum's family is Irish and my Dad's is South Asian, so I get that you feel you don't have a choice sometimes or feel the family expect you to do certain things.

My advice would be to subtly, distance yourself. You may not like who she is, but hoping and looking forward to her death, doesn't sit right for me. But that is only my opinion, doesn't mean its right though.

I don’t need to cut contact with her
Because I only see her on special occasions now
I live in a different city
So there is a buffer
I am not going to ostracise myself from my whole family
Just because I don’t like one family member
I just avoid spending too much time talking with her
I will always talk with her
But have an escape planned
I have gotten better with time to not allow myself to get trapped by her
To just ignore her comments about her disappointment
It’s like 2nd nature

[quote blackdumpling]@Justcallmebebes I don’t have or want children, why do people always assume women have or want children? Fun auntie only over here.

@Gonnagetgoing to give context I did know how to speak the language
After I reached school age forgot the language
She laments how disappointed she is I have lost the language
That isn’t my fault
It’s my parents fault really for not sending me to Italian school
I do still know some dialect
It’s not enough for her
Not knowing Italian has been a big regret in life due to her being so disappointed in me
But have lots of hobbies & pastimes
Relearning a language just hasn’t been something I have prioritised I guess.
Also why should I learn a language just to appease her?
She speaks English perfectly well
We have never had communication issues
I don’t get why you would choose to immigrate to a country
Then be upset & disappointed that the offspring have embraced that country’s language & culture

She is not this way because she is “elderly”
She has always been this way
I understand and accept elderly people are preoccupied with their health
This isn’t to do with her being geriatric
She has been this way since she was in her 50s at least

I am certain she has no clue I feel this way
Don’t think she has ever once thought how I am or how I feel
I understand it’s not a nice thing to say or feel[/quote]
@blackdumpling

Ah re the language. I actually do understand you a bit re Italian dialect as I worked with a woman for 6 years who spoke it fluently.

It is a pity your parents didn't send you to Italian school though. It's good she speaks English well but obviously it grates on her that you don't speak Italian or the dialect well enough in her eyes. I thought you did have communication issues with her.

Hmmm well I suppose her ways are her ways. I have known some people in their 50s (DGF) who have always been preoccupied with their health and their own issues - you really cannot change them and they do see themselves as the head of the family!

I mean what you could do, is set all of what you've said here to her - before it's too late. If it causes a rift or argument then so be it (would have done with DGF) but at least she knows how you feel.

Could you maybe try to show interest or do her hobbies or pastimes with her, like e.g. cross-stitch or watching a certain TV programme? My DGF (not the one with Alzheimers) always liked to wax lyrical about what he could do - painting, antiques etc and wasn't that interested in GC but he was adored down his pub... .

My nana (his ex wife and DM of my mum) wasn't great as a DGM when DM had children and babies but was great as we got older as she could talk to us and then when we got older I saw her almost every weekend with my DM or went by myself. I bought her makeup as she liked this (especially painting her nails) and her mobility meant she couldn't get out to do it for herself. But we also watched TV, talked about various issues and she was living a private retirement flat in a complex by then so I would sometimes join them for tea and cake. My nana was young at heart though and wished she'd been born when i was!

@Blossomtoes

Dear God. Of all the nasty posts I’ve ever seen on here that really takes the biscuit. Perhaps just don’t see her?

You can't judge someone's situation from one post and there's no need to be downright nasty when the poster is obviously struggling with his feelings and traumatised by his grandmother's behaviour in the past.

OP you feel the way you do for a reason. As long as that doesn't transcend into the way you treat her or speak to her, which I'm sure it won't, your feelings are valid.

@Ponoka7 that is not true
I said I feel bad for other family members who will be devestated by her passing

Not agreeing with me is fine but please read my posts before assuming I don’t care about my family

Also someone else said she sounds like a peach
She is not a peach & she has been quite nasty to and about other family members

I find it interesting so many people seem to have animosity towards their MILs
But to feel animosity towards your GM is not ok

Anyways I appreciate your post even if it is disagreeing or you think am awful

@blackdumpling

I don’t need to cut contact with her Because I only see her on special occasions now I live in a different city So there is a buffer I am not going to ostracise myself from my whole family Just because I don’t like one family member I just avoid spending too much time talking with her I will always talk with her But have an escape planned I have gotten better with time to not allow myself to get trapped by her To just ignore her comments about her disappointment It’s like 2nd nature

@blackdumpling. Well that's not too bad - if it's only on special occasions you see her then why make a fuss about her now?

I mean depending on distance you could see her more often but obviously you don't want to do so and that's fine.

Do you have to take DC to see her?

Her comments are her comments - you either accept them, don't accept them or even tackle her about them.

Some people add to your life, some are neutral and some are detrimental. Sounds like she's detrimental and it's hard to feel positive about that. Just try not to rise to the behaviour.

I wish had asked a long time ago if she can not express anymore disappointment For something which was not my fault

From your OP the main disappointment stemmed from you not speaking her native language... you definitely could have learned.

My DD was born in Spain, and although ExDH and I were both English, DD is bilingual using both Spanish and English. Because she was brought up in Spain her Spanish was far better but we still taught her English because it was important to ensure she could communicate with her grandparents/family (all of whom also tried to learn at least some basic Spanish to help her communicate)

Now we live back in the UK it is important for me for DD not to lose her Spanish or forget about all of the Spanish customs and culture that was part of her childhood so I make a concerted effort to make sure we still use it

@blackdumpling you’re human you’re feelings are human. Some people on high horses will chastise you for these feelings but after his she’s treated you I think it’s only human to accept that you will experience relief when she’s not here anymore. It doesn’t make you callous. It makes you a human who has suffered because of her.

I attended my grandmothers funeral just to make sure she went in the ground. She was the most naturally nasty bitch I have ever met and was the driving force behind my DMums mental health issues without a shadow of a doubt. When my DBro stood up to sing her praises I left the church. She treated him like a little god. The women in her life were treated like dirt and she was as scheming as a TV villain.

My sister has a lot of her traits but her daughter in turn is shaping up to be just like the original, which is terrifying.

I think you feel the way you feel OP.

You feel how you feel. I think you are neither nasty nor evil. I guess you feel trapped and that the only way to escape the negative feelings that your grandmother causes is by her dying.

Try and distance yourself from her if you can bit don't beat yourself even more up svoit how you feel. You are not going to hurt her but you don't owe her love or affection.

Sorry, but that’s utterly deplorable. For a poorly, suffering grandparent, I can understand wanting them to pass peacefully for their own sake (as I have done), but actively wishing a healthy old woman dead and being disappointed that she didn’t die of Covid as you’d hoped is just disgusting.

You say you can’t go ‘no contact’ with her for whatever reason, but unfortunately that’s your own weakness/problem and hoping she dies isn’t the resolution.

Wishing her dead is a bit much! Why not wish yourself free of her instead? Then make it happen. She sounds toxic.

She sounds a bloody nightmare and I can’t blame you, nor should you blame yourself, for wanting to be free of a deeply unpleasant, controlling old woman. If a husband was like this, there wouldn’t be one sympathetic comment on here about him. FGS you’re not taking out a contract on her, just wishing she wasn’t still around making you unhappy.

@melj1213

I wish had asked a long time ago if she can not express anymore disappointment For something which was not my fault

From your OP the main disappointment stemmed from you not speaking her native language... you definitely could have learned.

My DD was born in Spain, and although ExDH and I were both English, DD is bilingual using both Spanish and English. Because she was brought up in Spain her Spanish was far better but we still taught her English because it was important to ensure she could communicate with her grandparents/family (all of whom also tried to learn at least some basic Spanish to help her communicate)

Now we live back in the UK it is important for me for DD not to lose her Spanish or forget about all of the Spanish customs and culture that was part of her childhood so I make a concerted effort to make sure we still use it

Your daughter is bilingual because you taught her or encouraged it. Maybe op didn't get that chance. Of course she could now but why should she for the sake of someone who doesn't seem to be very nice?

Fair enough. It’s not like you’d say anything to her or be mean to her or anything (I hope). I’m sure a lot of people have terrible thoughts that sound awful written down.