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Original poster

To want to get married without the wedding

85 replies

sarah13xx · 14/02/2022 18:29

We’ve been engaged for a while now and have a baby. I’ve never liked the idea of having all eyes on me, have never had birthday parties or anything because it just fills me with dread. The thought of having a wedding where it involves walking down an aisle, having to speak in front of all the guests (we’d need to invite so many by the time we add them up), sit listening to speeches about me/us and just generally being the star of the show all day fills me with a sense of panic. If I got swept along with it and booked something that my mum, sisters etc would like I fear I’d then spend the next however long until then just regretting it and dreading the day 🙈

Aside from all of that, I’ve been to virtually the same weddings over and over again at the local venues with different main characters for the last 5 years as all our friends get married. It’s very repetitive and unless you’re overly invested in the couple I don’t think all that many people there even care, they’re just obliged to say ‘aww you look beautiful, thanks for a great day’ and so on. Maybe I’m being cynical but I hate the thought of ‘forcing’ someone to come and falsely say those things to me at yet another wedding.

The problem is I don’t know what I actually could handle. I do want to be married and share the same surname as my baby and fiancé and weirdly I do actually want to wear the dress to have some nice pictures of the day. I also think if we just had a tiny lunch or something I’d then go home with my wedding dress on and maybe feel a bit deflated that I hadn’t had more of a thing for it 🤷🏼‍♀️ My partner has also said the same as me, I think he’d go along with the big day if I wanted to but he’s not really keen on any of it.

What is the compromise? Get married at a registery office then have a reception with a quick first dance/cut the cake, minimal attention on us but still get to celebrate it? I’d even maybe thought of having it on New Years Eve to somewhat distract from it being about me 😂 My absolute dream would be to get married in the Maldives then have a reception at home but that’s if I win the lottery 🙈 Any ideas of how we can do it?

OP posts:
Intooblivionblackhole · 14/02/2022 18:31

I wouldn't have it on NYE. It would be too expensive.

How about going to Gretna? My sister did this and just had immediate family.

Christienne · 14/02/2022 18:33

I got married with 4 friends (no family) at 3pm followed by us taking them to our local lovely restaurant/hotel where we ate and drank till late evening. They then left and DH and I had our wedding night there.

I had the dress, the cake, the photos… just on a really intimate scale. It was lovely.

Grinnypiggy · 14/02/2022 18:33

It sounds like you don't dislike parties but you'd prefer to not be the centre of attention at it? If so, just don't do any of the things that make people look at you.
So don't make any grand entrances, don't cut cake, don't have a first dance, etc. Just have a party with good food and a couple of things for people to do. Make it an evening thing if you think shorter would be better?
Nobody likes speeches anyway - your guests will be delighted!

Simonjt · 14/02/2022 18:34

If you don’t want vows have a civil partnership, you can choose to just sign the paperwork rather than having vows as well.

BluebellsGreenbells · 14/02/2022 18:34

There are loads of venues to choose from. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing.

You can get married in a cave or a beach in the UK, or you could invite friends for dinner and have a surprise wedding - takes the pressure off you and back in time for pudding!

We did Gretna Green - married lunch and then a few photos, I don’t regret it at all.

EmpressCixi · 14/02/2022 18:35

You don’t need to compromise. A wedding is for YOU and YOUR FIANCÉ....no one else matters. And since neither of you want a wedding, just don’t have one. Many couples just go to the registry office and have a civil ceremony on the spot.

Skeam · 14/02/2022 18:37

None of it’s compulsory. We got married with two witnesses in jeans and then went out for fancy tapas, but there’s nothing stopping you doing the same in a fabulous dress…?

Angryattrackandtrace · 14/02/2022 18:37

We only had 30 at ours as I hate being looked at.

We didn’t do speeches, cutting cake, first dance etc.

That evening we had a party and loads of friends came and danced and drank with us.

Original poster
sarah13xx · 14/02/2022 18:37

@Christienne aww that sounds really lovely! 😊

OP posts:
TempName01 · 14/02/2022 18:38

Hi, I felt exactly the same and just did a quick registry office with parents there then had friends meet us for drinks after at a nearby bar. I love going to big weddings and parties but hate the thought of my own, I would get far too anxious to enjoy it

Original poster
sarah13xx · 14/02/2022 18:38

@Angryattrackandtrace that sounds like a plan! Just need to figure out the details of where I could have a small thing during the day that’s local and nice but that’s basically what I’d like

OP posts:
Toddlerandthecat · 14/02/2022 18:39

I've been having a similar conversation with my DP. We've decided that we will have the wedding reception, white dress etc. I won't walk down the aisle (I'll just be there to greet the guests then when they take their seats, we'll go to the front to be married). There'll be no top table, first dance, speeches or traditional wedding cake to cut. We haven't decided about the photographer situation yet. I don't want a lot of formal photos, but I would like some more candid shots of our guests (hopefully) having a good time

thepeopleversuswork · 14/02/2022 18:42

I'm totally with you. I find weddings incredibly dull and the idea of being the centre of attention for hours while people chuck dull platitudes at you is my idea of hell.
My first wedding took place on the other side of the world which is exactly as I wanted it. If I ever remarried (unlikely) I would want it to be similar.

Original poster
sarah13xx · 14/02/2022 18:43

@Toddlerandthecat aww amazing, that sounds ideal ☺️ It’s the whole top table, speeches thing that I really want to steer clear of and I think if we were to invite people to an all day thing they might then expect it to be like a normal wedding! Yours sounds good

OP posts:
Original poster
sarah13xx · 14/02/2022 18:45

@thepeopleversuswork that’s exactly it 😂 As a guest I feel obliged to say these things, the bride could look the worst she’s ever looked and people would still rattle out these compliments 🙈

OP posts:
Gowithme · 14/02/2022 18:47

We got married abroad with two random witnesses. It was beautiful and exactly what I wanted.

Ragwort · 14/02/2022 18:52

We had a very quiet wedding, three witnesses at the register office plus two more joined us for lunch ... perfect, no speeches, flowers, presents, guest list, dancing, photographs (a few 'snaps') etc etc ... married 34 years Smile

cassgate · 14/02/2022 18:53

@Toddlerandthecat

I've been having a similar conversation with my DP. We've decided that we will have the wedding reception, white dress etc. I won't walk down the aisle (I'll just be there to greet the guests then when they take their seats, we'll go to the front to be married). There'll be no top table, first dance, speeches or traditional wedding cake to cut. We haven't decided about the photographer situation yet. I don't want a lot of formal photos, but I would like some more candid shots of our guests (hopefully) having a good time
I had a very similar wedding to this. No walking down the aisle. We arrived together. Had photos before the ceremony with just immediate family and then got photographer to take photos of us signing the register and then group shots of everyone seated at their tables. No top table, no cake, we had individual cakes made as favours instead. No speeches, no first dance. It was fantastic and I would not change anything if we did it again.
VikingOnTheFridge · 14/02/2022 18:55

Elope somewhere a bit cheaper than the Maldives?

Angryattrackandtrace · 14/02/2022 18:56

I actually hired a place that usually do childrens a party for my 30 friends 😂

You can be quite flexible when token not sticking to the (boring) traditional stuff x

YellowLemonshade · 14/02/2022 18:56

If you opt for a Register office wedding or very small venue (it must be approved premises though) you can get married with you and two witnesses.
Lovely opportunities for flowers, dress, rings, photos etc etc but with only a few close friends/family.
Lots of people do it, followed by a lunch/dinner

Echobelly · 14/02/2022 18:59

A registry do doesn't have to be Big Entrance Big Dress. And you can really do whatever you like - wear a trouser suit, have a buffet, invite 2 people. Maybe have a very small ceremony and then you can have a bigger evening party somewhere convenient for friends and family and you don't have to have any speeches/cake cutting/first dance if that's not for you, and you're not asking anyone to make a big commitment.

Original poster
sarah13xx · 14/02/2022 19:00

@Gowithme if it wasn’t for the fact my mum would be devastated at not being able to be there, I would totally love to go and do this abroad just us! My immediate family would pay to come with us no bother but his family would make a big song and dance about it I think 🙄

OP posts:
Squirrelblanket · 14/02/2022 19:03

I felt the same as you. We booked a holiday to Florida and got married while we were there, just the two of us. It was wonderful.Grin

We had a big party for family when got back. It was a casual affair in a bar where we hired the upstairs. Everyone said they had a great time but I didn't. I felt pulled from group to group all night and had to spend time chatting with people I'd never really met (in laws) and people who had travelled really far because I felt like I should. All the while I could see my closest friends and family enjoying themselves together.

Lots of people told me after that they wished they'd done what we did. I would do the same again but minus the party at home!

Wreath21 · 14/02/2022 19:06

You can absolutely do whatever you like for your wedding - the legally-important bit is just the two of you, the registrar and a couple of witnesses. The rest is completely up to you: go for a nice meal with close friends and family, or just with your new spouse; have a bit of a party with music and nibbles if you like...
You can get married in 'approved premises' (a quick google will suggest suitable venues near you) and have a few friends along if you like - a registrar will come along and do the paperwork. All the 'traditions' are completely optional.

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