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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I told her he cheats

97 replies

rahjama · 13/02/2022 22:03

Person I work with cheats on his girlfriend and mother of his child constantly. With someone else at work. They're always always doing things in the staff toilets/changing/room/break room and don't make an effort to hide it from anyone else who works there.

For slight context, I work in hospitality.

Mother of his child comes in today and we get talking innocently. She asks me about him and her, she knows something has gone on in the past. I didn't give any details but I said if he were my partner I wouldn't have it. I definitely suggested that things went on. He has previous for cheating on her and I have known for ages that this was going on and felt so guilty so I felt relieved that she knew.

I still do feel like I've done the right thing. She ended it with him on the spot. He was working at the time, she dragged him outside and confronted him. Complete disaster after that. He walked out, everyone was stressed.

Only one person is backing me up and saying I did the right thing. I didn't walk into work today with the intentions of telling her, I didn't even know she would come in. I just answered the questions she asked me because I was not prepared to lie for someone who was doing something I thought to be wrong.

Feeling really shitty about myself. The guy in question isn't speaking to me, neither is 3 other members of staff who said I got involved unnecessarily. I didn't mean to get myself involved.

Just feeling really awkward, uncomfortable and definitely second guessing my judgement about whether or not I should've just kept my mouth shut because like everyone keeps reminding me, it's none of my business.

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/02/2022 22:05

I’d start job hunting tonight. Hopefully she doesn’t take him back, sounds like she already has. But work is going to be awful so I’d try and get out asap.

Jaggerdagger · 13/02/2022 22:07

YANBU! Well done OP - takes courage to speak the truth.

Wigglegiggle0520 · 13/02/2022 22:07

Does she usually come in and talk to his colleagues?
I think you’ve done the right thing as well, albeit from only your brief description of what happened. It sounds as though perhaps she was trying to get more information about something she was already pretty sure of but was likely being gaslit about.
The fact she dumped him on the spot points to all of that being the case.
How was she with you after you told her? If there was no upset or anger towards you I’d say you gave her what she needed to be free of him and find someone worthy of her time.

Original poster

rahjama · 13/02/2022 22:09

No upset or anger towards me - I kept apologising for being the one to tell her and she just said thank you and that she has respect for me telling the truth.

I know he's cheated on her loads in the past so wouldn't be surprised if she does take him back. She definitely deserves better though. Whole situation just makes me really sad

OP posts:

Babyvenusplant · 13/02/2022 22:12

You did the right thing

She asked you and you told her the truth, it's not like you randomly brought the subject up yourself

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 13/02/2022 22:13

OP you were put in an awful position.

In that situation I think I'd do the same as you, she was asking probing questions and I wouldn't want to lie for him. I wouldn't be able to live with myself.

However, things are likely to be tough for you at work now.

Wigglegiggle0520 · 13/02/2022 22:14

Even if she does have him back, she does so with the full facts because of you.
I’d say that’s a good thing and most women would want to know in the same situation.
You don’t need to get a new job OP. It’ll blow over before you know it.
The end of the relationship wasn’t your doing (unless of course you’re one of the other women). He is entirely to blame.

FirewomanSam · 13/02/2022 22:15

Ooooft that’s so hard. What a position to put you in.

I can’t honestly say what I’d have done in that situation. Probably would have found a way to tell her without telling her, IYSWIM. Said something like ‘I’m not comfortable discussing this, these are very difficult questions for me to answer’ in a way that would make it very clear that her suspicions were indeed correct.

Can’t believe your colleagues are mad at you though. The guy is an asshole, not only for cheating on her but for making you all accessories to it!

MusicByTheLake · 13/02/2022 22:16

The guy in question isn't speaking to me, neither is 3 other members of staff who said I got involved unnecessarily.

I bet they would have been fine with you getting involved if you had lied for him to cover up his cheating. Fuck them. You were asked directly by this women, I’d have done the same. If he wasn’t a cheating cunt, or at least didn’t do it in front of his colleagues, he wouldn’t be having this issue.
You’ve hopefully saved this woman a lifetime of suspicion, gaslighting, stress and bad treatment.

cuno · 13/02/2022 22:16

You've done the absolute right thing. It's not comparable to situations where some random third party seeks out the wife to tell her. Your only alternative in this situation was lying, and that would have been actively covering for the bastard and enabling him to continue his cheating ways. I think if you did the opposite you would be kicking yourself now and it would play on your conscience a long time. I do think, however, that it would be wise to start looking for a job elsewhere because the atmosphere at work might be horrid for you.

SarahBellam · 13/02/2022 22:17

You did the right thing. At least now she can make decisions in full knowledge of the facts, not the whitewash he’s fed her. Shits like him get away with it because people are scared to speak up but it should be the default. Besides, she must have been suspicious to have even asked.

weansu · 13/02/2022 22:17

I bet she will take him back at which point, the messenger always gets shot.

DowntonCrabby · 13/02/2022 22:17

Well I think you’re a legend. I hope it all goes ok for you

PickledOnionSandwich · 13/02/2022 22:17

Morally you did the right thing but whether it was the ‘right’ thing to do is another matter. It was unfair of you to be put in this situation and I guess you made the best of it 🤷‍♀️

Myhairbobblesnapped · 13/02/2022 22:18

She asked you and you told her the truth if you lied and covered up for him that would have been wrong. In a situation like this there are no winners but if I were her I’d appreciate you telling me the truth as not feel like everyone is laughing behind my back. Well done you. Don’t bad the cheater should feel bad and girl he’s cheating with should feel bad. Not you.

Original poster

rahjama · 13/02/2022 22:19

He is absolutely a gaslighter - I am also worried for her when he's angry he can be very aggressive

Im glad pp say what I did is correct
Other members of staff were also asked by her and either said "nothing has gone on to my knowledge" (which is a lie) or "I don't want to be involved".

I was completely on my own and I do wish others came and backed up what I was saying but I guess it's their decision to not get involved.

I am not the other woman btw

OP posts:

Mummy1608 · 13/02/2022 22:23

Going against the grain here but I definitely wouldn't have done what you did. I Especially as she's not a close relative or very close friend, because it's just none of your business really.

What's done is done but yes like a pp said I would start hunting for another job. I worked in hospitality too (admittedly a long time ago) and one thing you need is to be discreet, particularly if you want to work somewhere high end. Everyone knows you not to be discreet at this place now, and they'll stop being open with you. It's not going to be comfortable there any more.

MusicByTheLake · 13/02/2022 22:28

Also, the fact she asked you and others, means that she was pretty certain that something was going on. He would have been convincing her that she was mad. I’ve seen a friend go through it and it almost broke her. You have absolutely done the right thing.

Hoppinggreen · 13/02/2022 22:33

Am I right in thinking you had a thing with him?
If so then was it revenge?

Wigglegiggle0520 · 13/02/2022 22:33

@Mummy1608

Going against the grain here but I definitely wouldn't have done what you did. I Especially as she's not a close relative or very close friend, because it's just none of your business really.

What an odd post. Good to see women supporting women is alive and well!

Discretion is towards clients I assume? Not colleagues where their partner is a likely victim of domestic abuse? And with a child involved in the relationship.

What else are you taught to turn a blind eye to in hospitality? Sex trafficking? Child abuse?

If more women did as OP has done, there’s be less men getting away with this s**t.

Hoppinggreen · 13/02/2022 22:34

Or did the girlfriend ask you about her BF and “her” the woman he was cheating with?

cuno · 13/02/2022 22:34

@Hoppinggreen

Am I right in thinking you had a thing with him? If so then was it revenge?

And why are you making shit up?

Hoppinggreen · 13/02/2022 22:36

I was asking a question not “ making shit up”
Aren’t you a charmer?

namechangetheworld · 13/02/2022 22:37

It won't be popular but I would have feigned ignorance in this situation. She'll take him back no doubt, and now you'll be working in a hostile environment with a man you've described as aggressive. All for a woman you barely know.

PerditaPerdita · 13/02/2022 22:37

She asked you. You couldn't lie. You had zero choice.

Change jobs, maybe, though. You don't need the drama.

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