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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I told her he cheats

97 replies

rahjama · 13/02/2022 22:03

Person I work with cheats on his girlfriend and mother of his child constantly. With someone else at work. They're always always doing things in the staff toilets/changing/room/break room and don't make an effort to hide it from anyone else who works there.

For slight context, I work in hospitality.

Mother of his child comes in today and we get talking innocently. She asks me about him and her, she knows something has gone on in the past. I didn't give any details but I said if he were my partner I wouldn't have it. I definitely suggested that things went on. He has previous for cheating on her and I have known for ages that this was going on and felt so guilty so I felt relieved that she knew.

I still do feel like I've done the right thing. She ended it with him on the spot. He was working at the time, she dragged him outside and confronted him. Complete disaster after that. He walked out, everyone was stressed.

Only one person is backing me up and saying I did the right thing. I didn't walk into work today with the intentions of telling her, I didn't even know she would come in. I just answered the questions she asked me because I was not prepared to lie for someone who was doing something I thought to be wrong.

Feeling really shitty about myself. The guy in question isn't speaking to me, neither is 3 other members of staff who said I got involved unnecessarily. I didn't mean to get myself involved.

Just feeling really awkward, uncomfortable and definitely second guessing my judgement about whether or not I should've just kept my mouth shut because like everyone keeps reminding me, it's none of my business.

OP posts:

Peachtoiletpaper · 14/02/2022 08:15

You've done the right thing. You answered a question honestly. This woman must have been pretty convinced anyway to come and make a show in front of his colleagues. Why does someone like him deserve protection? He wasn't being discreet. Hold your head up and get on with your job. If it's going to be reasonably simple to find something else then you may want to keep an eye out but I'm sure this will blow over. If anyone confronts you, simply say 'I was asked a straight question and am not prepared to lie'. Nothing else. And no, hospitality does not necessitate covering for staff members' behaviour. For right or wrong you might be expected to stay out of customers' business, but that isn't what happened here.

MrsGHarrison87 · 14/02/2022 08:18

I don't think you did the right thing. Morally you may have done, but you've landed yourself in it now. There were other ways to tell her that would have been less dramatic. And you have been unprofessional. You go to work to do your job, not get involved in your colleagues private lives.

Cognoscenti · 14/02/2022 08:19

You did the right thing. Whether she stays with him or not is her choice, but if she does, at least you know she made that decision knowing what has been happening. She clearly knew something was amiss, you only confirmed it, and I think most people in her situation would appreciate the truth.

goldfluffyclouds · 14/02/2022 08:22

Morally you've absolutely done the right thing.
What you have found out though - is that your colleagues - like most of the world have a really low moral compass and rather than admit this to themselves they would rather lash out at you. They want a world at their moral level not yours...
I am a tough old boot now at 46 years old and couldn't give a fuck anymore so I would carry on. Depending on you it might be bloody awkward for a while - either stick with it or keep an eye out for better roles, be careful as your colleagues can't be trusted to do the right thing. Because you make them uncomfortable for doing the 'right' thing they will think nothing of doing the 'wrong' thing with regard to you...

Pinkyantelope · 14/02/2022 08:28

I think you did the right thing OP. And if those people who are so convinced you didn't do the right thing were being gaslighted by a cheating partner, they'd be grateful to have someone telling them the truth. They wouldn't be coming out with childish playground ideas about not telling on someone or being a snitch. The person starting the drama is not the OP or the wife, it's the husband openly cheating at work and then lying to his wife about it.

How weird is our society that the scapegoat is not the person lying to his wife, causing drama at work, breaking his marriage vows. No, it's the person putting the wife out of her misery and giving her the information so she feels she's not going mad.

Your colleagues are horrible OP. I bet they wouldn't like it if their partners were cheating on them! I'd complain to the management as it sounds like you are being bullied.

GeneLovesJezebel · 14/02/2022 08:30

You were asked questions and told truthful answers. You did nothing wrong.

balalake · 14/02/2022 08:37

I think you have done the right thing. If only more people did, perhaps men (and some women) would behave better. I hope that things do not get bad for you at work.

dworky · 14/02/2022 08:39

Why do you think the "none of your business" assertion exists? Just like 'the girl code' it's insisted on by men because it largely benefits them.
I believe it's very much a decent person's business when someone is cheating & betraying their family, particularly if the partner is financially dependent due to child-caring needs.
You did the right thing.

Plzhelpifyoucan · 14/02/2022 08:41

You did the right thing OP and I would’ve done the same. You need to stick to your guns with the other colleagues, you did the right thing in the moment and don’t let them persuade you otherwise.

girlmom21 · 14/02/2022 08:44

I agree that you did the right thing. You didn't set out to cause trouble and you shouldn't be expected to lie to the poor woman's face to protect a cheat.

Takeitonthechin · 14/02/2022 08:51

Stand up for what you believe in OP, they shouldn't be doing this in work time, they should be professional and not getting up to things on work time or property. I'm sure the owners wouldn't want this happen ing. They are being paid to work not to do other things.
If your colleagues partners/ husband/ wife was cheating on them, wouldn't they want to know!
If it gets too much at work, have a word with the owners.

Gowithme · 14/02/2022 08:54

@sweeneytoddsrazor

You may have done the right thing morally but I suspect you will have to find a new job. Your colleagues will now feel that you are someone they can't trust and they will very probably ignore you or have the minimum interaction with you that they can. It won't be enough to class as bullying and constructive dismissal but it will almost certainly be enough to make it too uncomfortable to continue working there

How ironic that they wouldn't trust the one person that was completely honest. Perhaps you're better off with them not talking to you OP. It all sounds incredibly childish though and so no doubt just like at school it'll be old news by next week and everyone will have moved on to some other scandal/tv show/gossip.

PyongyangKipperbang · 14/02/2022 09:06

@DryOldCaper

Don't you have an HR Dept?

It’s a bar. Or a restaurant. Not an office.

They almost certainly do not have an HR department.

Given that the vast majority of pubs and bars are owned by pubco's then they will more likely have an HR department than not.

WakeMeUpWhenTheyHaveGone · 14/02/2022 09:11

You did the right thing.

I’d be fine with him not talking to me. If your colleagues continue to bully you, report them to management. I’m also in my 40’s and wouldn’t give a shit about what others think. Wrong is wrong. I don’t lie either. He made it everyone else’s business by openly and brazenly carrying on like that at work. He should get the sack for behaving like that. No morals.

Chocolatefreak · 14/02/2022 09:16

You absolutely did the right thing, you were put on the spot and didn't lie. You've done the mother of his child/his child a favour in the long run. The other staff sound awful.

steppemum · 14/02/2022 09:16

@namechangetheworld

It won't be popular but I would have feigned ignorance in this situation. She'll take him back no doubt, and now you'll be working in a hostile environment with a man you've described as aggressive. All for a woman you barely know.

by feigning ignorance, you are supporting him in his lie.

you are becoming involved, by chosing to take his side.

It takes more courage to stand up.

I would not lie for a gaslighting cheating man.
I would not chose his side against his gf.
I would have replied with the truth when asked.

Op I think you absolutely did the right thing.
What she does with that information is entirely up to her, but at least she is able to make an informed choice.

Mumoblue · 14/02/2022 09:19

You did the right thing, so keep your head up.

He’s gonna cheat at work when his girlfriend comes in? He’s clearly not a super genius there, is he?

I feel sorry for her, but he got what he deserved. Play shitty games, win shitty prizes.

sixswans · 14/02/2022 09:22

Good for you. What a creep behaving like that at work. She dumped him because HE cheated, his fault not yours

SartresSoul · 14/02/2022 09:24

You did the right thing. She asked you outright whether anything was going on, you didn’t seek her out to tell her. She needed and deserved to know what an arsehole he is.

Dragongirl10 · 14/02/2022 09:28

I would not lie in those circumstances either, you did the right thing.#

AllOfUsAreDead · 14/02/2022 09:33

@Hoppinggreen

I was asking a question not “ making shit up” Aren’t you a charmer?

Quote specifically what made you think from what op said that she has a thing for him. I can't see anything that would make anyone think that. Otherwise yeah you are making shit up.

I think you did the right thing op. Not saying anything is just cowardly in my opinion, especially when you are asked directly.

Kshhuxnxk · 14/02/2022 09:42

Good for you!.You can bet the other 3 not talking to you are shagging each other!!

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