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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I told her he cheats

97 replies

rahjama · 13/02/2022 22:03

Person I work with cheats on his girlfriend and mother of his child constantly. With someone else at work. They're always always doing things in the staff toilets/changing/room/break room and don't make an effort to hide it from anyone else who works there.

For slight context, I work in hospitality.

Mother of his child comes in today and we get talking innocently. She asks me about him and her, she knows something has gone on in the past. I didn't give any details but I said if he were my partner I wouldn't have it. I definitely suggested that things went on. He has previous for cheating on her and I have known for ages that this was going on and felt so guilty so I felt relieved that she knew.

I still do feel like I've done the right thing. She ended it with him on the spot. He was working at the time, she dragged him outside and confronted him. Complete disaster after that. He walked out, everyone was stressed.

Only one person is backing me up and saying I did the right thing. I didn't walk into work today with the intentions of telling her, I didn't even know she would come in. I just answered the questions she asked me because I was not prepared to lie for someone who was doing something I thought to be wrong.

Feeling really shitty about myself. The guy in question isn't speaking to me, neither is 3 other members of staff who said I got involved unnecessarily. I didn't mean to get myself involved.

Just feeling really awkward, uncomfortable and definitely second guessing my judgement about whether or not I should've just kept my mouth shut because like everyone keeps reminding me, it's none of my business.

OP posts:

Chloemol · 13/02/2022 23:19

YANBU. I would not lie for anyone I work with

StellaGibs · 13/02/2022 23:25

I would have done the same. I have a few times. Doesnt go down well for me, but I dont care. If someone will give me a harder time than a cheater then fuck em.

ThreeLocusts · 13/02/2022 23:30

To all those who say it's none of OP's business, it's the cheater who made it her business by being so brazen about it, and the gf compounded it by asking.

OP I'm shocked to hear that all the others waffled and that they're blaming you. I hope I would do what you did in the same situation.

And I hope it blows over, or rather that they see reason, but if not, I hope your next job is a step up!

larkstar · 13/02/2022 23:33

@rahjama IMHO - you decide what "your business" is - I think you did the right thing - why should you lie - is that the real you? You lie to people? By the sounds of it - no. So you were just being you.

ivegotasorethroat · 13/02/2022 23:34

@PrinnyPree

Fuck that, tell him I'm not fucking lying for you, clean up your own shit you fucking sloppy dicked twat and stop putting your colleagues in a shitty situation where they have to lie for you.

Also tell your manager if they start giving you shit, and if you start getting bullied and your manager doesn't nip it in the bud I'm fairly sure you've got a constructive dismissal case. X

Good for you OP. X

This!

Aquamarine1029 · 13/02/2022 23:38

You had better watch your back and keep your eyes wide open. You have no idea what this man is capable of. You are now his #1 enemy.

Chichimcgee · 13/02/2022 23:39

YANBU and it became your business when she asked you about it.

As for PP assuming it was for ‘revenge’ you have issues, it’s the man at fault. Not his wife, not the women he’s sleeping with, not anybody who knew about it and definitely not the OP actually looking out for his poor wife and child.

Summerfun54321 · 13/02/2022 23:41

You’ve done a service to this woman. There’s no way I would bow down to pressure from this sleezy guy to lie for him. I would tell him straight when you next see him that if he so much as gives you a whiff of attitude over this, you’ll be going to HR to make a formal complaint about his inappropriate behaviour with a colleague at work in work time on work premises.

lisaandalan · 13/02/2022 23:48

You did the right thing, she asked you, you told her.
If he wasn't a lying cheating cunt he would not be in this mess. X

TurkeyRoastvBubbleandSqueek · 14/02/2022 00:07

You were completely right not to lie for him. She asked you the questions, you gave her your honest answers. Even if she had turned on you afterwards you still did the right thing. Also, it became your business when she asked you something that you knew the answer to, and would have had to lie about to not tell her. It also became your business when the people concerned made no attempt to hide their behaviour, so therefore involved you without your permission.

Please OP do not apologise to anyone at work for you doing the decent thing. Be proud, and I expect that at least some of your colleagues secretly respect your honest stance.

DryOldCaper · 14/02/2022 00:16

The messenger always, always gets shot.

You did the right thing, but you won’t be thanked for it.

I’d just say, ‘I was asked a question. I answered it’.

And leave it at that.

Thewindwhispers · 14/02/2022 00:21

You did great 👏

Your colleague put you in a shitty position where you had to either lie for him or tell his wife. It’s not your fault you know about his sex life: it’s his. Cheating was bad enough but forcing all his colleagues to be complicit is also shitty.

As for not speaking to you, what is he, 12? Pathetic. He ought to be fired.

ForeverSingle881 · 14/02/2022 02:57

Hmm I actually think YABU. Only because your number one priority should be looking after yourself and YOUR JOB! How are you going to pay the bills if you have to leave the job because they bully you now? What if they don't even give you a reference now? His marital situation is his problem and if she suspects cheating, she should end it, not get his work colleagues involved in her issue.

He's a sleazebag. She's a fool. They're strangers to you. You shouldn't get involved at all,.it doesn't matter how direct she is with you or how awful he is. You should have protected your job not get involved in this drama you are clearly enjoying.

Goooglebox · 14/02/2022 03:10

Well done. Very heroic.

miraveile · 14/02/2022 03:19

Not the point but why is he able to get up to no good with a colleague in the break room? Why hasn't he been sacked for it? And her. Surely HE needs to find a new job, not you. Don't you have an HR Dept?

LadyPropane · 14/02/2022 03:38

YANBU at all. Nobody should be forced to lie for someone in a situation like that.

Who gives a shit if he isn't speaking to you? He sounds like a proper nobhead. Let him not speak to you for as long as he likes.

donquixotedelamancha · 14/02/2022 06:57

There is something 'not quite as innocent' as you are presenting yourself coming across here. Not that you'd be able to admit it, of course

What a very odd statement. Whatever choice you make is equally 'getting involved'. Personally I'd find the ethical cost of lying (even by omission) to be greater than the social discomfort of an arsehole being annoyed at me.

Chestofdraws · 14/02/2022 07:08

Why do people keep going on about lying like it was her only option? She could have said I don’t want to get invovled. Not lie. Like some of her other colleagues did.

NeverTouchWarmPants · 14/02/2022 07:19

Yes, she could @Chestofdraws but if she's anything like me I just can't lie. My face betrays me and quite honestly why should she?

Chestofdraws · 14/02/2022 07:20

But again, she didn’t need to lie

DrManhattan · 14/02/2022 07:31

I wouldn't have said anything. Especially not in the workplace. Op might need a new job

Fluffycloudland77 · 14/02/2022 07:47

She stayed with a cheater for whatever reason so she knows the score anyway. It’s best to stay out of it.

I know three women who stayed and there’s much DRAMA each time it happens for two of them 🙄, the whole family piles in with shock etc and it gets them the attention they crave, It’s mind numbingly boring for the rest of us. One persons still banned from ringing me 16 years on after spending 3 hours on the phone one night after work banging on about the latest DRAMA. I wasn’t purring up with that every time he trips and falls into another woman’s knickers, I’d never get anything done. You might as well complain the sun rises in the east.

Not everyone seems to want a settled life. If they do they go about it in the oddest way by staying with men unsuited to settled relationships.

DryOldCaper · 14/02/2022 07:49

Don't you have an HR Dept?

It’s a bar. Or a restaurant. Not an office.

They almost certainly do not have an HR department.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 14/02/2022 07:56

You may have done the right thing morally but I suspect you will have to find a new job. Your colleagues will now feel that you are someone they can't trust and they will very probably ignore you or have the minimum interaction with you that they can. It won't be enough to class as bullying and constructive dismissal but it will almost certainly be enough to make it too uncomfortable to continue working there

MrMrsJones · 14/02/2022 07:57

You did the right thing

If you get bullied, report them to your management

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