To not see this as a problem?

[Namechangetimes100]

Dd is 2 and in nursery. She has a v rare name, never ever heard any other child with it. Funnily enough DDs best friend at nursery, same age same name. Couldn’t make it up, they walk around the nursery holding hands and are often in the corner having ‘chin wags’ together (nursery staff have said). Her mum is lovely too, we’ve become friends…

Anyway to the aibu..

Told my mother this on the phone and she started to get weird. The girls like to play together at nursery so according to the staff often call for each other by using their full names, e.g. Isabella smith come play please (not their names I’m aware Isabella isn’t a rare name, it’s just an example) and then the other will call back ‘ok Isabella George, I’m coming’. I found this the sweetest. Mother dearest not so much and said ‘oh that’s not good at all is it, I’d be putting a stop to that pronto’

I asked her what the problem with that was and she said, don’t pretend you don’t know and then hung up…
I’m severely LC with DM due to constant comments that are sly put downs, especially around parenting.

This is another one of those right? Or am i BU and overreacting?

@whosaidtha

How do you not know what the issue is? Clearly she chose an unusual name hoping that no one would share her name and now they do. There are countless threads on the name board agonising over this very issue and how to avoid it. Even more upsetting if you purposefully chose something unusual and not in the top 100. She's odd for being openly upset but I can see why.

No that’s definitely not it. My mother had 0 input in DDs name, and she’s a ‘brexit means brexit’ kind of lady so she definitely wouldn’t have chosen an Arabic name…

I think it’s the foreign surnames and having a non white friend but, equally DDs surname can hardly come as a surprise to her, I’m wondering if she didn’t want her ‘outed’ as non White but equally I don’t know 🤷‍♀️

I think it's just your mum being odd, because loads of children call themselves by their forename surname once they start primary school, as that is what gets called out. My brother was the only one with his forename at primary school, but he still signed his full name in his Christmas cards to siblings/parents when he was six

Totally normal.

I had 14 girls and 16 boys in primary
4!!! were called Daniella: we had
Daniella B.
Daniella D.
Daniella F.
Daniella P.

There were also 3 Daniels
😂😂😂

@Namechangetimes100 I'm white passing too and my dad's adoptive parents were extremely relieved with that as then I was "almost as pretty as Jane" (not real name, Jane being their bio grandchild who is a week older than me) why on earth they adopted an Asian child with their feelings on race I've no idea. But your mum sounds like she's just as Crackers as my grandparents.

She's racist so keep maintaining your LC.

@whosaidtha

How do you not know what the issue is? Clearly she chose an unusual name hoping that no one would share her name and now they do. There are countless threads on the name board agonising over this very issue and how to avoid it. Even more upsetting if you purposefully chose something unusual and not in the top 100. She's odd for being openly upset but I can see why.

………what?

I think you do know what the issue is OP. It's your mums racism. She prefers your DDs heritage to be minimalised as she thinks it's a bad thing.

I love the fact that she’s got a rare name and her best friend has the same name. I’ve never met anyone in my 30+ years with it, near had DH or any of his family.

The other little girls mother loved it too, we bonded instantly, and think their behaviour together is precious.

To the 8% that think I’m being unreasonable, can you help me understand what my mother is triggered by specifically? She’s since text me saying ‘I’m sorry you seem to find offense in everything I say, I’m only looking out for [insert name here]’

It sounds quite sensible of your daughters, which makes it cute! There is no problem with this. I’m sorry your DM seems to be trying to find fault again. I’m not sure it’s the surname, unless she has specifically mentioned that before?

@5128gap

I think you do know what the issue is OP. It's your mums racism. She prefers your DDs heritage to be minimalised as she thinks it's a bad thing.

I mean that’s the only possible thing I can think of? It has to be right? There’s literally nothing else

I used to teach 3 Matthews together in year 7, and they were all mates, and liked to joke about with their full names, it was quite sweet. They'd have conversations that went:
P: Good Morning Matthew Jones, how are you today?
J: Good morning Matthew Pearson, I'm well thank you! How are you Matthew Pearson?
P: Tip top thank you Matthew Jones. Oh look, here's Matthew Linehan. Hello Matthew Linehan!
L: Hello Matthew Jones, hello Matthew Pearson!
And then they'd all fall about laughing and do a silly Matthews handshake they'd invented.

@GiftWrappingLikeItsXmasEve

It sounds quite sensible of your daughters, which makes it cute! There is no problem with this. I’m sorry your DM seems to be trying to find fault again. I’m not sure it’s the surname, unless she has specifically mentioned that before?

She’s not really mentioned it before since she was born (2.5 years ago) she said when I was pregnant you’ll be giving the baby your name won’t you, to which I said no, she’ll have her fathers surname, she said something else I can’t recall but when i pointed out to her that I have my dads surname she couldn’t really say a lot else…

But knowing her if she was triggered by it she’d be banging on about it. Maybe it’s the first name thing as she routinely and one can only assume purposefully mispronounces DDs name

It does sound like racism, but also like there is a longer history of OPs mother being critical and difficult?

The conversation you describe, with the "Oh of course you know" is very familiar to me sadly. I would go even more LC with her. I have been NC with my own mother for many years and it's the best thing I ever did for myself and my DC.

My brother had a boy in his class with the same name and surname. Other boy was an identical twin. They called my brother firstname middlename. The teachers couldn’t tell the twins apart and they were quite mischievous!

She’s since text me saying ‘I’m sorry you seem to find offense in everything I say, I’m only looking out for [insert name here]’ I'd be tempted to message back and say you aren't offended just genuinely confused what the issue is. Can she tell you so you know.

Haven't teachers, nurseries, workplace always used this method to identify those with same first names? My son was one of 3 boys called James in his class

He identified himself as James P, including xmas cards to me 🤣🤣

She might be triggered by the fact your dad’s family name is emphasise all the time. If she racist, it won’t go down well.

But more importantly, yes it was a sly dig. And it left you wondering what is going in. It’s a very manipulative behaviour. I know you are LC but I’m wondering if you dint need to step back even more.

@NeesAndToes, I’ve just asked her what the problem is so ‘I can speak to nursery staff’ 😉… she’s blue ticked me

Definitely racist. Shocking.

My dd has a modern name I suppose.
My dm and df (separated) said they would use dd's middle name because they preferred it.
They were both told to use her given name or never visit.
Dh's dm referred to dd as the little girl for the first year of her life.

I have a close friend with the same first name as me. We are almost alwats referred to as First name Surname in conversation to distinguish us.

Weirdly, we both also tend to refer to the other by their full name too.

We are in our 60s!

@NeesAndToes

She’s since text me saying ‘I’m sorry you seem to find offense in everything I say, I’m only looking out for [insert name here]’ I'd be tempted to message back and say you aren't offended just genuinely confused what the issue is. Can she tell you so you know.

I’d be tempted to do that too.

But I’d be aware that it might well open up the doors for yet more attacks/dogs at you , all in the name of ‘protecting your dd’

Great response!

@TheApexOfMyLife

She might be triggered by the fact your dad’s family name is emphasise all the time. If she racist, it won’t go down well.

But more importantly, yes it was a sly dig. And it left you wondering what is going in. It’s a very manipulative behaviour. I know you are LC but I’m wondering if you dint need to step back even more.

Maybe, my dads name is just a mouthful unusual but still markedly anglophone surname… she has it too.

I’ve stepped back so much that she’s mentioned legal steps to get access to dcs so now I do one 15 minute face time a week with them, this weeks was cut short by namegate

Well that was quite a big thing that should have been in the op! Sounds like you do know what the issue was all along, fwiw my daughter has an quite unusual name So I was a bit annoyed to hear a girl in her
Class has the exact same name when she started reception, not annoyed to this extent I just don’t know why they don’t put children with same names in different classes, I can see how that might be hard if it’s half way through a school year but reception?! There are 3 reception classes so would be easy to spread names out as I hate the thought of DD being referred to as Isabella M all the way through school (again not the name) obviously that’s harder to do in nursery but my kids school have 3 classes can’t see why they would put 2 kids with the same name in the same class intentionally

@RedCandyApple

Well that was quite a big thing that should have been in the op! Sounds like you do know what the issue was all along, fwiw my daughter has an quite unusual name So I was a bit annoyed to hear a girl in her Class has the exact same name when she started reception, not annoyed to this extent I just don’t know why they don’t put children with same names in different classes, I can see how that might be hard if it’s half way through a school year but reception?! There are 3 reception classes so would be easy to spread names out as I hate the thought of DD being referred to as Isabella M all the way through school (again not the name) obviously that’s harder to do in nursery but my kids school have 3 classes can’t see why they would put 2 kids with the same name in the same class intentionally

No I don’t , I’m finger in the air guessing.

Is it surname because of one comment made 3 years ago?

Is it because she mis pronounces DDs name?

Is it just another beating stick because the day ends in y

I genuinely don’t know or if other people would see something here me and the other mum find charming.

I also take 0 issue with dd being referred to as Isabella S for school. I love that of all the little kids in her class those 2 have become close, her mum is lovely too, I’m glad their friends, i imagine if it came to going out playing and coming over for tea it might be confusing but equally it might save time 😅