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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Weird to bring husband on play date with kids?

109 replies

notsure2022 · 12/02/2022 11:11

Kids have a play date soon (not at the persons home) my eldest has SEN. My husband is insisting he comes along to help keep a eye on the kids (I'm disabled and struggle if eldest was to have a melt down etc)
They haven't said anything about their husband coming, would it be weird to take my husband? HmmConfused

I appreciate how first world problem this is but I have autism and social anxiety so this is hard for me and I don't know the mum that well.

OP posts:
ISpyCobraKai · 12/02/2022 16:51

@OutdoorType

"DH would rather have stayed in eating hair while watching paint dry than taken DD to a party or playdate."

This is quite sad. Can't understand in this day and age why parenting is seen solely as a mum's job, or why it should be. DP and I have always shared taking DD to parties etc. Personally if you just let me know in advance Op I wouldn't have an issue with your dh being there if it would help you.

The OP didn't say he took a back seat in parenting, just meeting new people wasn't his thing. Perhaps it isn't recent either? My Dd is now 20 so although I post, it was a good while ago.

I'd still have rather eaten hair!

EmpressCixi · 12/02/2022 16:55

@Stressedout1009

Tbh if you explained your situation I would have no problem if your dh came along. If anything he could keep an eye on the kids while you both enjoyed a coffee and chat? It may not be the usual done thing, but people also need to adapt to situations that aren't the norm. Why don't you propose the above and see what she says?
This is how I feel too. I’d also like fathers to be more hands on at play dates in general. We will never get there if it continues to be considered”weird”.
waterrat · 12/02/2022 16:56

Blimey some weird comments here. If I meet a mum and they turn up with partner and say its to help with a tricky kid I wouldn't bat an eyelid.

MrsPear · 12/02/2022 16:59

Tbh I would think you are in a controlling marriage unless of course an obvious disability. Why do two parents need to take a child on a play date ?!
Doesn’t matter the sex but 1 usually is enough 🤣

RonCarlos · 12/02/2022 16:59

What weird answers. We are in London and it's very normal for both parents to turn up, wouldn't be considered at all strange and you certainly wouldn't "not be invited again". When we meet up at the park I'd say 4 out of 10 times both parents come. How sad that it's still considered a "mums" thing to do rather than a parents.

Same here. Maybe it's a city thing. I am not in London but it's totally normal here. Dads often came to the baby groups and toddler groups I went to, with and without their partners. One Mum I was friends with always brought her husband who became my friend too. Sometimes even his parents were on our playdates! I think it's nice.

orinocosfavoritecake · 12/02/2022 17:00

I would be absolutely fine with it. It’s happened to me lots of times and a) the dads have all been likeable, decent human beings who I could talk to b) more hands on deck for child-wrangling meant morechance to talk to an adult in peace for a bit. Kinda puzzled by a lot of the responses above.

orinocosfavoritecake · 12/02/2022 17:00

Have lived in two UK cities. Totally, totally normal in both.

Newuser82 · 12/02/2022 17:09

I would try to go by yourself if you can. I once organised a play date for my son and his friend from school. This was to be at my house. The lady couldn't make it in the end so she sent her husband! I'd never even met him. A little awkward!!

SpiderVersed · 12/02/2022 17:14

It's weird.

It's an invitation from one person (and child) to another person (and child). That's not "also bring along additional adults I don't know."
And the dynamic changes when it goes from two women to two woman and a man.

I've invited my (relatively few) male fulltime parenting friends to playdates as well as my (many) female fulltime parenting friends to playdates often. It's a great way to strike up friendships. Never once have they brought along a spouse.

gamerchick · 12/02/2022 17:18

@SpiderVersed

It's weird.

It's an invitation from one person (and child) to another person (and child). That's not "also bring along additional adults I don't know."
And the dynamic changes when it goes from two women to two woman and a man.

I've invited my (relatively few) male fulltime parenting friends to playdates as well as my (many) female fulltime parenting friends to playdates often. It's a great way to strike up friendships. Never once have they brought along a spouse.

All managed your kids with SN singlehanded ok then? Maybe you can give some tips?
RampantIvy · 12/02/2022 17:25

The only time I saw dads was at soft play parties. Generally the mums went on their own, while the dads stayed at home to provide childcare for the other children. The only time any dads were there was because mum were busy.

It wasn't common for both parents to come on playdates or to take their DC to parties where I live. I'm talking about 16 years ago in a rural area BTW.

Coreblimy · 12/02/2022 17:28

Honestly I think it's fine. People have reasons why their DH needs to be there. I can't go anywhere without relying on him to transport atm so it is a given that if there's a drive involved, he will be there, which is due to a medical condition. Most mums I have playdates with are aware of this, but I run it by people I don know so well first out of courtesy as it is their house. If you have a need medical or otherwise that requires your DH there, then fair enough. I know it isn't the same as a women only thing but sometimes needs must be accommodated. People who have a problem with it aren't worth knowing imo. Having said that he does try to be a bit sensitive about it and will try to give us space if possible for a least a bit, just in case we want to talk pelvic floors or something.

GougeAway · 12/02/2022 17:57

As an anxious person myself I would hate to meet for a ‘play date’ and find a couple there where I was expecting one adult. I would feel like I wasn’t good enough company and a third wheel to a family outing. And I do have a child with SN plus a younger DC who is NT. Always managed them on my own ad it wouldn’t occur to me not too. Having said that my own DH has more severe social anxiety so wouldn’t volunteer to meet other parents anyway (fantastic parent in other ways).

Shortofspace · 12/02/2022 18:02

I would want to know in advance.

Original poster
notsure2022 · 12/02/2022 18:25

Met at the park for a walk and feed the ducks with my dc was fine! Smile

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 12/02/2022 18:29

Glad it worked out. You must have had better weather than we did - wind and horizontal rain.

Snaketime · 12/02/2022 18:31

[quote lucythejuicy]@Snaketime but you aren't going to make friends if you bring your husband everywhere. That's not how it works. You need to take responsibility for that rather than blaming other people. If you are invited it means the mum thinks you could be friends. Bringing your husband signals you do not. Different if they are organising something with both parents[/quote]
It might mean that to you, to me it means that I have social anxiety and it is bad that day and that I can't cope on my own with my SEN DD that specific day. Not that I don't think we can be friends, but then again my mental health tells me that everyone hate me anyway, so I don't even bother now as there is no point because they wouldn't like me anyway.

astrocroc · 12/02/2022 18:32

It's an invitation from one person (and child) to another person (and child). That's not "also bring along additional adults I don't know."

For me it's just an invitation for our kids to play together outside school. Adult/s are needed because the kids are too young to be alone. Makes zero difference to me which adult or how many of them accompany the other kid. I'm there purely for our kids to socialise, not for myself or the other adults.

sillysmiles · 12/02/2022 18:36

@notsure2022

Met at the park for a walk and feed the ducks with my dc was fine! Smile
Hope you enjoyed your day. Hope you realise too that you are capable!
felulageller · 12/02/2022 18:39

You'd be better putting this on the neurodiverse mumsnetters board.

navydear · 12/02/2022 18:41

Why are you even talking about "having" something. You are autistic, I am autistic, we think differently to the the way majority of people think. Of course, we all have social anxiety because society was developed by neurotypical people and we are made conform to things that make us u comfortable. Yo are not a child, you are a fully grown woman who functions in society and is a mother. If you need you husband nearby, of course that is fine, but not sitting down having coffee with the girls, that's super weird. Tell him bring a newspaper and sit at another table closer to where kids are playing and let him go over and back to the kids. You, stay with your friends and have a natter and a cuppa. You will always be autistic, nothing wrong with it, but you speak of it like it's this big deal that you need help to navigate your way through every step of the day, you don't.
Try not to refer to it as "having autism" as if it's a disease or Inness, it's being neurodiverse. You are either neuro diverse or neuro typical. It's like if you are left handed or right handed, you don't say I have "left handedness" just because you are in the minority group of people who's brains are wired differently to have better control of their left hand.

SausageRoll2020 · 12/02/2022 18:50

I think it depends on how the meet up was arranged. If it was a "do you want to catch up for coffee" with the children having a play together as a side note it might be a little strange although if it's easier for you with a disability for your husband to be there then no one should take any offence to that whatsoever.
If on the other hand it was more of an invite for the child is "does Jack want to come and play at the park with Jill this Sunday?" Then the invite is aimed at the child so it doesn't matter if you your husband or both take them.

ThAtSnOtMynAm · 12/02/2022 19:09

I always classed play dates for kids, me and hubby went to a lot together. He would run around with the kids while I got to chat with the mums. If I wasn't feeling great he would take them solo. He's a very outgoing guy.

Cotswoldmama · 12/02/2022 19:24

I don't think it's weird to bring your husband as long as the other mum knows. Be honest with her about why. If someone showed up to a playdate with their husband or with a friend or relative of any sex I'd think it was a bit odd and I think the chat wouldn't be the same because those two would already have a relationship and be at ease with each other and I'd feel a bit of a third wheel. But maybe that's because I'm not great at making new friends, I can be quite shy.

SD1978 · 12/02/2022 19:36

Yes, I'd find this odd, and a little uncomfortable, but if you explained why, and he was friendly or busy with the kids I wouldn't care. I would find it odd if I didn't know him, that he turned up with you and possibly would initially see it as a bit controlling/ codependent/ weird when the play date was organised between us with no mention of him- that's being completely honest. If you shot me a text and said hey husband is coming too as with my health issues and sons, I can't necessarily help him, I'd be ok with that