Weird to bring husband on play date with kids?

[notsure2022]

Kids have a play date soon (not at the persons home) my eldest has SEN. My husband is insisting he comes along to help keep a eye on the kids (I'm disabled and struggle if eldest was to have a melt down etc)
They haven't said anything about their husband coming, would it be weird to take my husband?

I appreciate how first world problem this is but I have autism and social anxiety so this is hard for me and I don't know the mum that well.

Why is it weird?! It's in a park and he can keep an eye on the kids whilst you chat.

If it's for the mum's to chat and be friends and he's not hanging around all the time still seems fine to me.

Oh this husband not coming really passes me off. We parent as a team. At one point we were shift parenting and my daughter was invited to several play dates and there was actually a baby what's app page set up. We were told no dad's on the page and no dad's at play dates. That meant my daughter missing out. My friend returned to work at her husband was the stay at home parent again he was not invited.
The whole thing is just massively sexist. We wouldn't get away with this anywhere else so why with parents and baby clicks.
Surely it does not matter if parent is female or male.
Maybe it's just me but I talk to anyone regardless off gender. The more the merrier in my book.

To all you out there saying it weird and changes the dynamics and you wouldn't want it. What would happen if the child had two mums / two dads. How would you know who to invite.

I would let the other person know first that your partner was coming
Having someone turning up with their partner in tow unexpectedly
Makes the partner look controlling to the other person
Like they don't trust you to go out on your own
It can be offputting to the other person
But if you let them know beforehand then that's fine
Just make sure you actually want your partner to come too
And that they are not pressuring to come along

If it was me you were meeting OP I wouldn't mind at all you bringing your husband, but then again I have social anxiety and prefer having my DH with me to help with conversations and my DD.
To the pp's that said anyone who turned up with their DH wouldn't be invited again, you are the reason why I don't even bother trying to make any friends or take the kids anywhere. Shame on you for leaving someone out who is struggling for whatever reason.

@Johnnypiratesfriend

To all you out there saying it weird and changes the dynamics and you wouldn't want it. What would happen if the child had two mums / two dads. How would you know who to invite.

Whichever one I'd spent the most time talking to at baby groups, IME. I don't think this is a sex-based discrimination thing so much as an awkward making small talk with a couple when you were expecting a 1:1 thing. Surely everyone hates that.

In your situation I'd explain to the other party OP - I wouldn't mind if it were me, but would appreciate advance notice.

If I invite a mum and kid to a play date I would do it because I wanted to chat to the mum whilst the kids play. If the DH came along I wouldn't ask her again. Sorry

@Snaketime but you aren't going to make friends if you bring your husband everywhere. That's not how it works. You need to take responsibility for that rather than blaming other people. If you are invited it means the mum thinks you could be friends. Bringing your husband signals you do not. Different if they are organising something with both parents

I don't think it weird at all I'm disabled and would have to do the same. But if faced with women that think bringing support for disability is wrong just send my husband by himself for my child's fun. Maybe ask the organiser if they have checked if the day is full disability accessable but they haven't.

I would probably ask if we could meet in a park with a cafe nearby, and bring my DH - and then get him to watch all children whilst I had a coffee with the mum. I would probably ask if she was ok with that format over WhatsApp first though. It is hard work to supervise children in the park, I would love to be able to sit down and to have a chat with another mum without worrying.

And at the end of the day, if the children gets along and the mum sees that your DH is great at parenting, she will be ok with sending her child to yours on a play date ok their own.

We have only unsupervised play dates these days (youngest is 8), but I might worry to send my child to someone I perceived might struggle to look after her. I wouldn’t worry at all if I knew that the set-up (any set-up) worked.

Why is it so weirs for a dad to go on a play date with their children? I don’t understand.

Because it is often an opportunity for mums to get to know each other and increase their social circle. It certainly was when DD was at primary school. Not everyone lives in an area where they grew up or has a wide circle of friends. Also if it is one mum and a mum and her partner/husband it changes the dynamic, especially if this hasn’t been agreed beforehand.

DH would rather have stayed in eating hair while watching paint dry than taken DD to a party or playdate.

@Johnnypiratesfriend do you never go anywhere without your husband? If it was just a group of women and you always brought your husband along, yes, I would think it odd or that he was rather controlling.

@notsure2022 your reasons for bringing your husband are not unreasonable. I would just give the other mum a heads up that he will be there, or on hand nearby. I hope it goes well.

Is your dc with SEN, the one who has been invited to play?

and

Where are you meeting?

@notsure2022

Insisting is probably the wrong word, assumed is probably better. I don't really go anywhere without him so he's probably used to my weirdness now.

If you think you can do it alone go for it. It'll be good for you and help you build a support network beyond your husband.

Don't allow someone else to shrink your world - no matter how well his intentions.

Sounds to me like he wants to be there to support her and ensure it doesn't all go pear shaped

But equally he is positioning himself as needing to be there-almost as though of course it will go wrong without him there. She didn't ask him to go, the friend who issued the invitation didn't ask him to go,and while his intentionally maybe well-meaning, the actions are a slow erosion of the OPs confidence.

I live somewhere where a lot of the men (sorry, but it does tend to be men!) work offshore so are away for a few weeks then home and not working for a few weeks. As such Dads on play dates is very normal indeed and I really don’t understand why it would be a problem.

Can men and women not be friends too? I’m friends with some of my kids’ friends’ Dads, there are others that I have to struggle a bit more to chat with. Exactly as it is with the Mums!

@RampantIvy of course I do. If he's at work I go on my own. If I'm at work he would like to go on his own as he does to play groups. Husband enjoys meeting people and playing with his children at the park etc.I find it rather sad that your partner would rather stay in doing anything then spend his time off with you and your children. Our days off are spent mainly with our family who we love spending time with. We also go out and have separate interests, he loves rugby - I meet friends for coffee, cocktails etc. But we enjoy time together the most. If I preferred time on my own I'd have stayed single.

I was a single parent, I'd really not have appreciated the other parent coming along.
I was nervous and anxious myself, so if I'd made an effort, I'd hate to then be put on the back foot with two adults knowing each other.
Also @RampantIvy
I did make the effort occasionally, but I too would rather have eaten hair!

If its out and about somewhere like soft play or a park etc. I'd just send a message saying 'I was thinking about bringing my husband so he can take our other child off to play as they can be a bit clingy, is that OK? Is your husband likely to come?'
I'd find it awkward if the husband was right there with you and I had to navigate having a conversation to include you both... But if he went off most of the time then I wouldn't find it odd and sometimes it's nice to have someone else entertain the kids so the Mums can chat etc.

@Johnnypiratesfriend DH is not a people person at all. He likes being with me and DD, but often hides out in his office because of his need to be alone. He really doesn't like busy places, loud noises etc and loves spending time on his own. He has a ridiculously low tolerance for activities he dislikes, and doesn't understand my need to spend time with other people because he doesn't have that need.

When DD was little he was better at role play games with her than I was, and spent a lot of time with her, as did I. DD is now in her third year at university so we spend time together in a different way now. But he has a need to be on his own a lot.

He had always been an introvert, but is much more introverted than he used to be, and I have long suspected that he is on the autistic spectrum, and he did score highly on an ADHD test.

What weird answers. We are in London and it's very normal for both parents to turn up, wouldn't be considered at all strange and you certainly wouldn't "not be invited again". When we meet up at the park I'd say 4 out of 10 times both parents come. How sad that it's still considered a "mums" thing to do rather than a parents.

@HiJenny35

What weird answers. We are in London and it's very normal for both parents to turn up, wouldn't be considered at all strange and you certainly wouldn't "not be invited again". When we meet up at the park I'd say 4 out of 10 times both parents come. How sad that it's still considered a "mums" thing to do rather than a parents.

Same here, in my experience it's pretty normal. Sometimes partners come, sometimes they don't. Never occurred to me to think anything of it.

Maybe cos I'm not that close with the mums of my kids' friends? Like some people have said they see a playdate as 1-on-1 time with another mum and I certainly don't see it that way. I see it as just a chance for the kids to play together.

My husband always comes because he's the only one out of us that drives

"DH would rather have stayed in eating hair while watching paint dry than taken DD to a party or playdate."

This is quite sad. Can't understand in this day and age why parenting is seen solely as a mum's job, or why it should be. DP and I have always shared taking DD to parties etc. Personally if you just let me know in advance Op I wouldn't have an issue with your dh being there if it would help you.

It's weird.

@OutdoorType I responded earlier as to why DH struggles to socialise with other people. He couldn't even stay in the soft play barn at DD's sixth birthday party because he couldn't cope with the noise.