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Original poster

Weird to bring husband on play date with kids?

109 replies

notsure2022 · 12/02/2022 11:11

Kids have a play date soon (not at the persons home) my eldest has SEN. My husband is insisting he comes along to help keep a eye on the kids (I'm disabled and struggle if eldest was to have a melt down etc)
They haven't said anything about their husband coming, would it be weird to take my husband? HmmConfused

I appreciate how first world problem this is but I have autism and social anxiety so this is hard for me and I don't know the mum that well.

OP posts:
Hapoydayz · 12/02/2022 11:41

No don't take your husband that would be odd. Give it a try and see how it goes. Hopefully he won't insist and just incorrectly assumed he was going. Hope it goes well

ChateauxNeufDePoop · 12/02/2022 11:44

Tough one. Definitely let the other mother know but unless I'm missing something and haven't quite read between the lines his intentions seem ok given the circumstances? He could maybe not socialise with you and the other mum but just be around?

Unless he's mega controlling and coming along to see who you're friends with?

Looneytune253 · 12/02/2022 11:44

I don't understand why people are saying it weird?? It's not as if it's at the persons house. It's at the park.

If this is more about the mums making friends than the children (sometimes it is) then DH could do all the running around with the kids and keep them distracted so that's even better.

But realistically there's no reason why dad can't come to the park

AliceMcK · 12/02/2022 11:45

Wouldn’t bother me, my DH and other DHs have been on play dates at parks, soft play areas, my house. I prefer my DH to be around, then he can supervise while I chat. Most of the dads of my DDs friends are fairly hands on so it not strange if they are around.

gamerchick · 12/02/2022 11:47

I've always followed the 2 adults to one autistic child rule with mine when he was younger. Meltdowns are stressful to deal with and those with NT kids who are obviously commenting probably won't get it. I'd call ahead first though.

Lou98 · 12/02/2022 11:50

It wouldn't bother me in the slightest if your Husband came OP. For any reason but especially the reasons you've given.

I would let the other mum know - if it were me, I would then say to my Partner if he wanted to come if he wasn't working.

There's no harm in saying to her if you feel you would rather have him there. If you're happy to do it alone then go for it but don't do it just because you're worried about what they'll think, any decent person wouldn't mind

ProfessorSillyStuff · 12/02/2022 11:53

I have 2 severely autistic boys, not potty trained, not very verbal/eldest non verbal, meltdowns, self injury, all that goes with it.

We rarely take them both out alone. Even though I don't get on well with my ex, we have to go together for a day out or playdate. It's just miserable, stressful and/or dangerous otherwise.

It's really up to you, OP. Your husband is your child's primary carer so should get a say, in my opinion probably he should get the final say.

See how it goes, if you struggle, you'll know to go together next time. If that happens just explain to your parent friends. If they can't accept the way your family is, they weren't gonna be good friends anyway.

Idontevenknow · 12/02/2022 11:55

This happened to me once, thought I was meeting a friend with our kids for a coffee and her husband came too. Felt a bit awkward and the chat wasn't the same

BigFatLiar · 12/02/2022 11:59

unless I'm missing something and haven't quite read between the lines his intentions seem ok given the circumstances?

Unless he's mega controlling and coming along to see who you're friends with?

I think its the bit where OP says she's disabled her eldest has SEN and she seems to struggle socially.
Sounds to me like he wants to be there to support her and ensure it doesn't all go pear shaped.

KateyKontent · 12/02/2022 12:03

Could you have the child to pay at your house? That way the DC that are friends can play and your DH can occupy your older child?

Lou98 · 12/02/2022 12:06

@Idontevenknow

This happened to me once, thought I was meeting a friend with our kids for a coffee and her husband came too. Felt a bit awkward and the chat wasn't the same

Out of curiosity, how would you have felt if the mum had told you in advance about her Son's SN and that her husband was coming?

Would you have cancelled the play date?
I get it changed the dynamic and I would hate to be in the situation you were where it was sprung on you but having seen family members with their children with SN it's simply not as easy as just going on your own with them

1stTimeMama · 12/02/2022 12:06

Why is it so weirs for a dad to go on a play date with their children? I dont understand.

Gizacluethen · 12/02/2022 12:08

Organising a playdate is usually "let's let the kids play together so we can chat" if I was suggesting a couple thing then I'd specifically mention inviting the husbands. I'd feel very awkward if a woman sent her husband instead or if he joined us.
But I'm autistic too so I totally see how that happened. It's the part of parenting I'm really struggling with but also kind of enjoying, I have a specific talking point with people that I never had before but I'm also obliged to talk to strangers to help my son make friends. It won't last forever and you might make a friend that you enjoy spending time with. You'll manage :)

Hoppinggreen · 12/02/2022 12:09

@notsure2022

My choice *@Hoppinggreen* I've always been like it. I've managed a few situations on my own in the past, and I'm getting better at it but I prefer having him with me incase my brain suddenly goes dark and I can't think of anything to say. (I'm not that interesting of a person)
I bet you are more interesting that you think. If you feel you need DH then that’s fine but it will be easier for all of you if you can try and manage to go solo a bit more. Keep practicing and taking small steps and hopefully you can do more
Hoppinggreen · 12/02/2022 12:09

@1stTimeMama

Why is it so weirs for a dad to go on a play date with their children? I dont understand.
It’s not bit if I had arranged to meet a mum and her child and the DH turned up as well I would wonder why and possibly feel a bit awkward
Rollercoaster1920 · 12/02/2022 12:12

I'm amazed so many purple are saying it is weird for both parents to go to a playdate at a park. What's the issue? Why is it weird? Is it because its a man? What if it's two mums, would that be allowed?

In my family of 2 adults and two children we have often both gone to park playdates, the other parent can play with kids / supervise allowing the other two to catch up. Very useful to play with the sibling so they don't feel left out. 'Dad' can even join in the chat and coffee.

OP, I think you are overly worrying, but you could mention to your friend that your husband will be coming along and she might invite her partner then too.

roastedsaltedpeanut · 12/02/2022 12:15

I don’t understand why pp said it’s weird. Especially given your circumstances. My husband never comes to play dates and I do wish he would make the effort!!

Sometimes my friends bring their husband, the children will naturally gravitate towards the dads. They always end up playing football/rugby or catch. The mums can sit back knowing the kids are looked after and having a good time. We just sit back relax and chat. What’s not to like???

nitsandwormsdodger · 12/02/2022 12:15

Have you ever considered telling people you are autistic and anxious?? I have autistic badges key rings mugs and T-shirt s that I wear which often start the conversation, my life is so much better now I’m open and honest , yes some sad people leave me alone after I tell them but you will amazed how much better friendship can be with honesty and knowledge that you are liked for the true whole you , rather than the you that is ( exhausting) to present to the world

Vasectomyreversalhopeful · 12/02/2022 12:16

Totally normal for both parents to be present at playdates, softplays, parks etc around us. Not so common during the maternity leave period but once both parents back at work was very normal.

angryfalafel · 12/02/2022 12:20

My friend always used to always have her partner in tow at toddler playdates. He totally took over, had to be the centre of attention and insisted on being there.

She's not with him anymore because he's a controlling arsehole. But in your situation if you need him for support then I guess try taking him, or even he could be there for 15 minutes before he pops off to something else he has to do.

It definitely does change the dynamic of the meet up so hopefully you'd get used to going without him.

HunkyPunk · 12/02/2022 12:25

@TheApexOfMyLife

I’d stay at home and let your DH go to keep an eye on his child tbh.

I mean children’s parties are not the most exciting thing to do anyway.

It’s not a party. The op has arranged a play date with another mum, meeting her somewhere. It would be even odder than taking her dh, if he turned up on his own instead!

Op, I know what you mean about awkward silences, especially when you don’t know someone that well. I hate them, too. And I can chat away with most people, but I do remember one or two mums I never really gelled with, and I used to formulate a list of discussion topics - school, holidays, extra curricular activities etc. in case the dreaded silence descended. Just remember though. it takes 2 to chat, so it’s not on you to do all the work. I’m sure you’ll be fine.

eurochick · 12/02/2022 12:30

Very normal for both parents to come on play dates round here. We use it as a catch up for the parents too.

Staffy1 · 12/02/2022 12:32

Why should it be a problem? Honestly, you would think it was some arb you had found in a dark alley with some answers.

ANameChangeAgain · 12/02/2022 12:38

She will be wanting to get to know you as another school mum / potential friend, which would explain her inviting you for a playmate, rather than inviting just your child to play. If your dh goes it will sort of change the dynamics and spoil it as an opportunity for you. Don't try to hide who you are or disguise nervousness, just tell her who you are and what you are about, you might be pleasantly surprised.

ANameChangeAgain · 12/02/2022 12:39

*Play date, dammed autocorrect! Inviting you as a playmate puts on a completely different spin 😆

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