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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Tracking teenagers

410 replies

glittergrrl · 11/02/2022 21:27

Am I the only person not doing this or to find this really odd ?

OP posts:
Photolass · 12/02/2022 13:30

@liveforsummer

Depends on the age of the teen. Dd will be 13 this year and happily shared her location on what's app when she's out with her friends. Was helpful last week when her friend ditched her up town and all the usual bus stops were closed and she had no idea how to then get home.
Why couldn't she just phone you?
BuddhaForMary · 12/02/2022 13:30

@Bitofachinwag

,None of us see it as an invasion of privacy at all. If I felt "watched" then I'd turn it off

It doesn't matter if you "feel watched". you ARE watched and not just by the people you have given permission to watch you. You are also watched by google or whatever other company you are giving away your information to.

You are slowly being groomed into accepting more and more surveillance ( Alexas, Ring door bells etc) by these large corporations ( and possibly governments) just to " keep you safe".

And no, it doesn't matter if you think that your life isn't "interesting" the potential to control a population that readily accepts this kind of surveillance in exchange for a false sense of "feeling safe" or so that they know when to put their kettle on is huge.

I came here to say something along these lines, but this post sums up how I feel about the rising popularity of constant surveillance.
snowstorm2012 · 12/02/2022 13:31

@Fuuuuuckit

Ha, my ds is 18 now, never ever felt the need to track his phone. And with lockdowns taking a big chunk of the last 2 years' freedom, I hardly needed to track him, just bang on the ceiling at mealtimes. I occasionally text 'are you OK?' if he's forgotten to let me know he's arrived somewhere safely (just passed his driving test), the usual response I get is 'no mum, I crashed into a ditch Smile'
This made me laugh, it's exactly the response I get when I ask my son if he got to wherever he was going okay 😂😂
fairylightsandwaxmelts · 12/02/2022 13:40

@Bosephine

They're saying that there's a thin line between tracking for the right reasons and tracking for the wrong ones, and when you normalise tracking someone's every move it's not necessarily easy to know when that line has been crossed.

I don't see how the line is any thinner than the line between any other behaviour with consent and without consent. You may as well say that freely agreeing to sex makes you more likely to be coerced into sex at a later date.

Should add that I'm not arguing for tracking- I don't track my partner and he doesn't track me.

They're not really the same thing though, are they?

You can be tracked without your knowledge and behind your back. It can be used to stop you doing certain things or it can cause you to lie just to avoid an argument.

I know what you're saying when you say that some things are fine consensually and not fine without consent, but I think the line here is really thin and the potential for abuse is huge.

iCouldSleepForAYear · 12/02/2022 13:43

@planningtomakeaplan That must have been horrific, and I can understand why you'd be so vigilant with your own children.

I worry the tracking tech really would lull me into a false sense of security, and probably my daughters as well. I agree with the posters who suggest that someone snatching a child these days would toss out the phone (or the whole school backpack) first thing. A smart watch would probably be removed and binned pretty quickly too.

These dangers have always been present. I have an elderly relative who climbed into a stranger's car back in the 50s and then realised she was being abducted. Her neighbourhood was so rough back then, a young girl her age was murdered one year and she saw the body while walking home.

All of these possibilities scare me. But I need to balance that against allowing my daughters the chance to develop their confidence and solve problems, just as I was allowed to back in the 90s. Our eldest DD is actually far less confident than the middle one, probably because we were so inclined to hover and intervene with her, rather than give her a little more space to figure things out for herself, even when that made us nervous.

Every family and neighbourhood has different circumstances to work with. I genuinely can't see either of my girls remaining savvy if they think Mom's tracking them anyway. I think they'd relax on that skill maybe a little too much.

Bosephine · 12/02/2022 13:44

@fairylightsandwaxmelts Think we'll just have to agree to disagree.

Echobelly · 12/02/2022 13:45

I don't do it and have found it weird how normal many other parents find it, but then I do also appreciate that now some kids actually prefer their parents to track them on their because it avoid the cringe factor of parents messaging to check where they are/if they're on their way home or, horror actually phoning them when they're with their mates - social death!

SparkleTwinkle101 · 12/02/2022 13:46

My mum tracks me still (I'm 25). If I take it off it causes massive arguments but she'll still ring me and say. I see you're out at this time etc. It's annoying.

I do have it in for DH as he does for me which we use for knowing when to put dinner on/when to take the car out to swap them over but we don't look at it otherwise

Momijin · 12/02/2022 13:50

I track one of them at her request so she didn't need to keep updating me. Helps with giving lifts, making sure she's safe and not as a control measure. I only keep an eye on it when it's getting late and she's not home.

As I split parent, it helps her to know whether I'm local or if I'm around to give her a lift when she's at her dad's.

I don't track the others because one is an adult and the others don't go out late.

cuno · 12/02/2022 13:51

I don't see how the line is any thinner than the line between any other behaviour with consent and without consent. You may as well say that freely agreeing to sex makes you more likely to be coerced into sex at a later date.

Sorry no, people having sex is a fact of life. People derive pleasure from it, and it's necessary for reproduction as well. This isn't about consent vs not consent.

Tracking people is unnecessary, all these excuses from people saying they can check when their husband is on his way home so they can get tea ready. Sorry but unfettered access to your location at a press of a button is barmy. There is no need to track someone to check they are on their way home, it's neurotic is what it is. Call or text like a normal person if you want to know where someone is, when they'll be home etc and treat them with respect and trust.

All consensual, yeah? What if the partner turns off their location because they don't like it anymore? This would result in anxiety and assumptions they are up to no good from the other partner. It would create resentment. Once you opt in, there's no opting out lest you want to create an issue.

Entire families tracking each other at all times under the guise of keeping each other safe, getting help when they're lost, and having dinner put on just in time for when you walk through the door, is just not normal. It's a clear lack of boundaries whichever way you paint it. You can use Google maps or if you're too inept to use that, you can send your location/coordinates in that moment to someone for help. You don't need 24/7 tracking in case you get lost on the way to the bathroom. How often are people getting lost to require constant tracking???

Just because technology advances, doesn't mean that it's inevitable and we have to just accept tracking as the new norm and part and parcel of family life. It's insidious.

cuno · 12/02/2022 13:53

@SparkleTwinkle101

My mum tracks me still (I'm 25). If I take it off it causes massive arguments but she'll still ring me and say. I see you're out at this time etc. It's annoying.

I do have it in for DH as he does for me which we use for knowing when to put dinner on/when to take the car out to swap them over but we don't look at it otherwise

And this EXACTLY proves my point. "But we're all consenting adults". And then look at the aggro it causes the moment you turn it off. Jesus.
Bosephine · 12/02/2022 13:57

@cuno It's (in part) about consent where people are suggesting sharing your location is a gateway to abuse.

I'm not arguing in favour of tracking generally- there are lots of good reasons not to do it. But telling people they shouldn't share their location with their husband because otherwise their children are less likely to recognise an abusive relationship (as PP have done up the thread) is not right.

cuno · 12/02/2022 13:59

@Bosephine
Yes of course people can carry on tracking each other if they so wish, and me and others are entitled to find it weird and unhealthy because it is.

NoneOfYour32Potatoes · 12/02/2022 14:00

Sorry but unfettered access to your location at a press of a button is barmy. There is no need to track someone to check they are on their way home, it's neurotic is what it is.

Not a very nuanced opinion, is it? Neurotic and barmy.

Perhaps others choose to live a different life from the one that you lead and have differing opinions about how to interact socially with other people using technology. Maybe, even though I interact differently within my family than you, I am not barmy nor neurotic. It is a possibility.

NoneOfYour32Potatoes · 12/02/2022 14:02

Yes of course people can carry on tracking each other if they so wish, and me and others are entitled to find it weird and unhealthy because it is.

I find people who state their opinions as absolutes to be weird and unhealthy because they are.

savehannah · 12/02/2022 14:07

It's a useful tool for families to know each others' whereabouts. It's not about control. It's reassurance. It also tells you when someone's battery is nearly dead which is helpful as you won't be panicking that they haven't rung you etc. My kids can see me and my husband in it too so it's not just about tracking kids.

savehannah · 12/02/2022 14:10

@Echobelly

I don't do it and have found it weird how normal many other parents find it, but then I do also appreciate that now some kids actually prefer their parents to track them on their because it avoid the cringe factor of parents messaging to check where they are/if they're on their way home or, horror actually phoning them when they're with their mates - social death!
Quite true. If I had no idea where my kids were, especially late, I would be much more likely to ring them to check they are okay, than if I can see at a glance they are still at their friend's house.
savehannah · 12/02/2022 14:12

There's nothing sinister about it, it's called parenting. Just because it didn't exist in previous generations doesn't mean parents didn't worry. My mum sent my dad out in his dressing gown in the car once to look for me aged 18 when I had missed the night bus and was two hours later coming home than I had planned.

Bakewelltart987 · 12/02/2022 14:16

@Landlubber2019

I track my kids, they track me. I also track my husband and my mom. It's about knowing they are safe.
That's ridiculous kids I get but mom and husband how is tracking them keeping them safe? More like spying on them.
cuno · 12/02/2022 14:22

I find people who state their opinions as absolutes to be weird and unhealthy because they are.

If you and your adult family members are all tracking each other you have more to worry about than my opinion. No-one I know thinks this is remotely normal. Only on Mumsnet, good grief.

RedToothBrush · 12/02/2022 14:23

@savehannah

There's nothing sinister about it, it's called parenting. Just because it didn't exist in previous generations doesn't mean parents didn't worry. My mum sent my dad out in his dressing gown in the car once to look for me aged 18 when I had missed the night bus and was two hours later coming home than I had planned.
Er how is this parenting?!

Your children will not suffer in anyway if you don't have it!

The fact that its seen as almost essential and as a comforter to anxiety is quite worrying.

Its just a way of not letting go and allowing full independence - and not necessarily the independence of the child at that!

Some of the reasons for using it on here are troubling tbh.

I think the only one i can get on board with, is avoiding teenage social death tbh (and frankly its good for kids to have that to a degree still).

RedToothBrush · 12/02/2022 14:25

Carrying a tracker doesn't keep them safe!

If someone wanted to kidnap, rape, mug, assault, murder or otherwise harm you, you will not have a magic force field around you that stops it happening!!

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 12/02/2022 14:30

@savehannah

There's nothing sinister about it, it's called parenting. Just because it didn't exist in previous generations doesn't mean parents didn't worry. My mum sent my dad out in his dressing gown in the car once to look for me aged 18 when I had missed the night bus and was two hours later coming home than I had planned.
I would actually say it's pretty piss-poor parenting.

Parenting is teaching your kids about independence and freedom - it's not tracking them on their phones the second they're allowed out of your sight.

collieresponder88 · 12/02/2022 14:31

One of my daughters friends used to leave her phone at our house when she went out with my daughter on a night out because her mum was tracking her. Much more risky for her in my opinion to be without her phone her mum would have been better off just keeping contact with texts rather than tracking which Is what I do with My teens

NoneOfYour32Potatoes · 12/02/2022 14:32

@cuno

I find people who state their opinions as absolutes to be weird and unhealthy because they are.

If you and your adult family members are all tracking each other you have more to worry about than my opinion. No-one I know thinks this is remotely normal. Only on Mumsnet, good grief.

I’m stating my opinion about your opinion. It’s okay, I am not worried about your opinion.
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