To not want DF to bring her baby everywhere?

[DijfunvKd]

My friend lives a few hours away from me, and visits the area I live in fairly often. She had her first baby last year. When she visits, it's always with her DH.

Now she's had the baby, she will contact me asking if I want to meet her and the baby for coffee or lunch, and I always go. She will also ask if I want to go for a drink or nice meal one evening, and so I find a date on which I'm available. However, I then get messages to say she'll have to bring the baby because she'll need breastfeeding, or there is no one else to look after her etc. So we end up having a quick coke in a child friendly pub, or they both come to my house.

I don't mind the lunches with the baby, and do the expected 'isn't she cute?' (she is), 'is she eating/sleeping well?' small talk, but I find it extremely boring and do it to be polite and supportive. I don't want to repeat the same conversation on the evening.

DF will always say 'baby will be no trouble while we're out, she's very placid', but it inevitably becomes DF talking to the baby while I sit and make the expected cooing noises, and then she needs to leave early to get the baby to bed. If she had no option but to bring the baby to socialise then that would be one thing, but her DH goes off for hours with his friends, child free, well into the night, and I can't understand why she can't do that. If it was because she simply didn't want to leave the baby, then why ask if I'd like to go for a drink or nice meal in the evening?

During her pregnancy she was claiming nothing would change, that she'd still be going on holiday with friends and leaving the baby with her dad, and I thought she was deluding herself with that, but now that the baby has arrived she's swung hard the other way, which is her prerogative, but AIBU to think that her expectation that she brings the baby every time we see each other is ridiculous?

For information, the same happens when I visit her too, although that is less often because she visits friends and family where I live and stays with her parents.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all and I say that as a mother of 4.

I'm not really sure what people are not understanding - you are not expecting your friend to leave her baby if she doesn't feel ready and you are making an effort to meet during the day (despite finding it a bit boring talking about/to a baby the full time).

The problem is her changing plans last minute when you would like a child free night out. If she doesn't want to leave the baby in the evening she should just say so, that way you know it will be a relatively short meeting and can plan to meet with other friends after.

Am I getting this right or have I missed something that posters having a go at you haven't?

@Somethingsnappy That was exactly what I meant. With a dose of “you can’t understand unless you’re a mummy”. I was absolutely not talking about women with PND, ffs.

I would say something like “I would love to see DB tomorrow/Sunday/whenever for lunch etc but really had my heart set on a proper night out tonight, same as your husband it would seem! Any chance of him reconsidering?”

@TrippinEdBalls, I do agree that it must be frustrating for the OP, but I think some of the comments in her posts also do lack some empathy for a brand new mother.

OP, your friend will settle down, but 6 months is still very much in the new baby bubble. A little patience and empathy and you'll find things improve. As a PP said, once the gorgeous baby turns into a demanding tyrant of a toddler, your friend will not be able to escape fast enough.

[quote MabelsApron]@Somethingsnappy That was exactly what I meant. With a dose of “you can’t understand unless you’re a mummy”. I was absolutely not talking about women with PND, ffs.[/quote]
Neither was I. I mentioned anxiety.

Yanbu at all!

It's like someone promised u a 5star gourmet meal, and then on the last minute informed you that actually you are going to mcdonald's. I like mcdonald's, yet I would be very annoyed about this change cause its jot what I had expected for the night and it was not what I agreed to.
People seems to lack understanding tonight. You did not demand she leaves her baby, she suggested it! If she doesn't feel ready to leave her baby then she doesn't have to, all she has to do is stop suggesting adult only nights out.

With regards to the latest message to her, I would reply that I would go over to see her at her mums house, and since mum is busy anyway u will have the place to yourselves, and can have some adult time after baby is in bed. I am 100% sure that she will give u an excuse of why this is nit possible.

Do you think that it's possible after having baby she has lost sense of who she is besides being a mum, and she is worried without baby she wil have nothing to talk about? So baby is sorta used as a buffer?

Another thing u could say was oh its a shame u can't now go to x (non child friendly) place now, as my friends y and z really wanted to go there so I told them they could join us. But not to worry u will try to have a good time and will send her some pics from the night

You're not being unreasonable at all, because she is the one arranging the evening meals and then bailing. If the only option was lunch/ coffee with her and the baby, you'd be fine, but being told let's go out for dinner, making evening arrangements, and being let down at the last minute would irritate me too. You'll probably not find too much support- along the lines of you don't understand, etc, but I see why you're frustrated. I would just say no to evening meals, and stick with daytime until she is willing to leave the baby at home.

Solidarity, my DSis was like this. It wore off eventually but it took a loooooong time and our relationship has never recovered. She has two DC and the youngest is 14, yep you read that right. She's been back to 'normal' for a year or so. Motherhood hits some women like a ton of bricks. I felt at that time that my sister wasn't really herself at all and was just going through the motions. It's hard to be on the receiving end of. You're kind of just there as a bit part in their performance of 'everything's fine'.

I do have a DC myself and am only too delighted to leave her with my DH on occasion.

Regarding your friend, do the coffees if you can stand it but just decline all evening invites for a year or so. If she's a good friend you'll still be friends when she comes out the other side.

[quote Somethingsnappy]@TrippinEdBalls, I do agree that it must be frustrating for the OP, but I think some of the comments in her posts also do lack some empathy for a brand new mother.

OP, your friend will settle down, but 6 months is still very much in the new baby bubble. A little patience and empathy and you'll find things improve. As a PP said, once the gorgeous baby turns into a demanding tyrant of a toddler, your friend will not be able to escape fast enough.[/quote]
The OP has had oodles of patience with her DF, though.

All OP is asking is that DF stops suggesting plans that she (the DF) then changes at the last minute.
DF admits she can only go out for a max of TWO hours without DB. That's not long enough for the plans that DF herself is suggesting.

OP has said repeatedly that she is more than happy to stick to daytime meets with DF (and more than happy for DF to bring DB to daytime meets)

Being a new mum is not an excuse to be an arse.

@MabelsApron

I must say, some of the posts here have been a breath of fresh air for MN. Been here a few years and am often on the verge of giving up with it as it’s such a den of smug mummy martyrs. I want to treat all of the normal people on this thread to a great night out.

Yes!

And after reading some of the comments from people who have clearly not RTFT I think the OP also deserves a fabulous night out on the town.

There’s nothing more boring than other peoples’ babies. I don’t blame you for being pissed off.

DF behaviour is the type of thing you do once, when you’re a new mum, and don’t really know the ropes.

It’s surely obvious to her now that as much as she might want a big night out it’s not possible with a EBF baby.

OP shouldn’t be collateral damage for her wishful thinking!

As someone with children I think it’s important to remember not everyone wants to be forced to spend time with them.

I have a friend who will not even consider meeting for dinner, because that would mean leaving the house after 5pm, or lunch without her children, because apparently that’s not fair on them. It’s tedious and very boring.

OP your friend sounds really annoying. It’s not the having the baby, it’s telling you it’ll be a child free night and then deciding last min baby is coming and ignoring you that is so rude. I’d be quite annoyed if this happened repeatedly and I had made arrangements for a fun night out. It would be less annoying if your friend got the baby to sleep or got her interested in something while she chatted to you but it doesn’t sound like this is happening. She’s being a bit manipulative really saying oh the baby really wants to see her auntie dij. Obv the baby does not as she is 6 months old. I would be tempted to say ah sorry I’ve bought a new outfit for a night out so I’m going to still go out (with Mary or Jane like pp suggested). Would love it if you could come too, let me know

@DijfunvKd

Thank you to everyone who's actually taken the time to read and understand my posts.

I replied to her saying that I was looking forward to going into the city, and could her mother not look after the baby? She replied saying her mother is busy and that if she had left the baby she could only stay out for two hours, but she can stay out till 10 if she and the baby come to my house.

I said I was looking forward to going out, so why not have lunch tomorrow or Sunday instead. She has replied saying she has plans for both and DB really wants to see her Auntie Dij. I haven't replied to that yet.

Response to that is: Aw that's a shame. Auntie Dj is supposed to be busy that night having a girls night out with DF but as that's looking like it isn't on the cards if Baby is coming, I will contact X, Y and Z and do something with them on that evening instead. It really is a pity that your mum and your DH are always busy when we're planning on going out but hey ho, I guess that's how the cookie crumbles sometimes. Anyway, must dash. Talk again soon.

Have you never had a flakey friend before? I always have a plan for flakey/predictably plan-destroyingly late friends.

I don’t know you or your friend but maybe she’s anxious about leaving the baby and her making grand plans with you only for her to give up is her trying to work on it but failing every time (and selfishly messing you about in the process) 🤷🏼‍♀️

Also perfectly nice DH might be hopeless with the baby.

PND and/or anxiety doesn't necessarily equate to not wanting to leave the baby though. I had severe form of both and being able to leave our baby with DH at leads once a week whilst I went out was a big part of my recovery. I needed to switch off and not be 'on call'. He also took her for 3 hours every evening and sometimes slept in the spare room with her so I could have an uninterrupted night.

@WetLookKnitwear

Have you never had a flakey friend before? I always have a plan for flakey/predictably plan-destroyingly late friends.

I don’t know you or your friend but maybe she’s anxious about leaving the baby and her making grand plans with you only for her to give up is her trying to work on it but failing every time (and selfishly messing you about in the process) 🤷🏼‍♀️

Also perfectly nice DH might be hopeless with the baby.

In all honestly I drop anyone who I strike up a friendship with if I discover they're flakey. I cannot abide it, it is the height of rudeness.

(I'm absolutely not going to do that here, or suggesting that she's just being flakey.)

@MabelsApron

I must say, some of the posts here have been a breath of fresh air for MN. Been here a few years and am often on the verge of giving up with it as it’s such a den of smug mummy martyrs. I want to treat all of the normal people on this thread to a great night out.

I'm in!

her DH goes off for hours with his friends, child free, well into the night, and I can't understand why she can't do that The baby isn't breastfed by her dad, she's breastfed by her mum, why is that difficult to "understand"? I couldn't express and my children wouldn't take a bottle and fed on demand. However I wouldn't make out to friends like I'd be going out all night with them. So yanbu if that's what she's saying.

the obvious answer is by DF expressing her milk. You do realise many people who breastfeed can't express?

@EllaVaNight

the obvious answer is by DF expressing her milk. You do realise many people who breastfeed can't express?

Absolutely. Or who just don't want to. It can be emotionally and physically draining, not to mention time-consuming.

Everything changes when you have a baby . Your friend will be a different person because she’s a mum now. Sad to say that you will never come first now 😢 sorry 😆

If you find talking about the baby boring, perhaps change the subject! You don't have to ask boring questions about eating and sleeping.

Your friend having to breastfeed her baby is a completely normal reason to have her baby with her.

If you can't manage to have an interesting conversation with your friend with a small baby present, I don't think that's entirely on her. And if she talks about her baby, well what do you expect, she probably spends a hell of a lot of time with her baby. You could talk to her about the things going on in your life.

@DijfunvKd I hope you managed to sack off the plans for tonight??

Tbh I think your friend's reply was rude and she was clearly forcing the issue when it's obvious you don't want to do what she is proposing.

Really hope you cancelled her and she gets the message.

All mothers find all children interesting? When did I say that? Funny how I simply mentioned YOUR friend, someone who you obviously like/liked enough to make frequent daytime and evening plans with (particularly on the Holy Night of a Friday!) but you don't care about her child... that's weird in my eyes. Very weird. Understandable if you're not a mother and don't 'get' babies yet, though. I did say YANBU to be miffed about the constant change of plans, but you don't come across as particularly fond of this woman at all. If she and her child are such a waste of your time, stop agreeing to see her. She probably finds you really boring, too.

Again, not sure why you can't make plans for afterwards. Unless she had plans to pump, she wouldn't be out for longer than a few hours anyway.