To feel so negatively towards men?

[MerryMarigold]

I've not been abused. I have great relationship with my Dad, but...
... More and more frequently I find myself feeling so angry with men and thinking that in most of the marriages I know the women bring much more to the table and are frankly, nicer people. Out of so many marriages I think the men's faults (all different but all equally bad) outweigh the women's. I can count on one hand the number of marriages I would consider 'equal' where they both equally do good things and bad things (I would include my parents in this). For example: My Dad growing up was not very hands on, but he is extremely kind, warm, patient and generous. He loves underdogs and is very positive and encouraging about others. He can lose his temper at times and went through a nervous breakdown. My mum was a great parent who spent a lot of time with us doing all sorts of interesting things. She takes care of my Dad well and has stuck by him in some hard times. She can be critical but she's very loyal and hard working. She's emotional but tends to hold her emotions in.

I'd say my own marriage is fairly equal but I get upset at my sister or friends where I see it as very unequal. AIBU to feel this way or do others feel like this?

IMO that's a bit of an odd stance to take!

Tbh you only know what people want you to know, so making a judgement on what you've been told / observed (unless you're there 24/7) to the point you feel angry about it seems bizarre to me.

I do think some people have less equal relationships, both ways in all honesty, but not to the point it takes up my time / causes me anger.

So your marriage is equal but everyone else’s isn’t basically?

@RedCandyApple

So your marriage is equal but everyone else’s isn’t basically?

Only because I have a lot of faults to even out my DH's ones 😆. Most other women I know are amazing but their DH's seem to be much less so. As mentioned there are some I would say are equal but much more often I think they are not.

I agree with you OP.

Obviously it is a generalisation, NAMALT blah blah, but in general I think women put more effort into promoting the wellbeing of other people, be that partners, children, family, friends. Men are more likely to put more effort into their own interests.

Women are also more aware of, and open to working on, their shortcomings compared to men.

If this is the case then why are women almost always the ones pushing for marriage? If men get so much more out of it, most men are not fussed whether they get married or not.

I think that when the point comes where somebody's got to do it, women, more often than men, decide that that somebody has got to be them.

@RedCandyApple

If this is the case then why are women almost always the ones pushing for marriage? If men get so much more out of it, most men are not fussed whether they get married or not.

Socialisation.

Lots of threads like this right now.

The fact so many women are prepared to put up with shit men makes me disrespect women more tbh. I'm not proud to be a woman if being a woman means you have to do all the cooking, cleaning, remember all the bills, manage each DC's various appointments and activities, and don't forget remembering your IL's birthdays because you would feel so guilty if your overly MIL didn't get a card when her own son dgaf. Nah. You can keep being a woman if that's what it is.

I was married before. And am married again. My now DH is amazing. My ex DH was just not right for me and now is engaged again. Men can be good for you. Women can be good for you. I was probably a shit woman for my ex.

True Natty. Maybe MN has ruined men for me after what I see on here, and then see similar stuff (albeit slightly less extreme) in RL relationships. Basically selfish, arrogant men getting their own way and leaving their wives to do twice the amount of work they do.

The older I get, the more I feel like this. I love my dp very much, but I feel so tired of dealing with the masculine bullshit that covers everyday life. Mansplaining, sexist news headlines, shitty "boys will be boys" parenting, pay divide, sexual assaults, incel culture etc.

I don't relate to this at all. My late father was a kind and lovely man and my three adult sons have grown up to be decent good men. Only one is a parent so far but, from my observation, he is a kind and patient father, much as my dad was. I get quite upset when I read these generalisations. I should add that my partner of 20 years (also a man) is a good humoured, hard working man. He is far from perfect but, then, neither am I.

@Alcoh

I was married before. And am married again. My now DH is amazing. My ex DH was just not right for me and now is engaged again. Men can be good for you. Women can be good for you. I was probably a shit woman for my ex.

Maybe. I just don't look at those men and think they'd be good for anyone! Perhaps someone else would bring the best out of them 🤷‍♀️.

I think YABU because you seem to think that you're doing it right, your parents are doing it right, but everyone else is doing it wrong.

You say your marriage is equal because you have a lot of flaws. Perhaps in other marriages that you think are unbalanced there are flaws you are not aware of? In any case, what right do you have to decide that the women in those relationships don't have the capacity to see that they're being taken advantage of and walk away? Perhaps they are happy in their relationships, perhaps they think they have faults, perhaps they think their partners have positives you're not aware of.

Usually women get the partners they deserve. If a woman puts up with an uneven relationship that's her fault and also her right.

Anyone is free to walk away from a relationship and form a better one. (I'm assuming the people you refer to are not being physically coerced into staying with their partners, otherwise hopefully you'd be telling your story to the police rather than Mumsnet.)

Agree. Men can be amazing. Even the one I divorced is a great dad.

That's true, MorningStarling. Thanks, that is a helpful way to think about it. No one I know if it's being coerced, just kids to think about.

@MerryMarigold I think that is true. Some people just bring the best out in each other. My ex H and I were bad together. He is now with a woman he loves who doesn’t mind the fact he does x and y. I would be a nightmare for some men. But others love that in me.

Usually women get the partners they deserve. If a woman puts up with an uneven relationship that's her fault and also her right.

I think this isn't really true. Women are raised in a sexist society with uneven relationships being modelled, so they are often socialised to accept this.

It is like how women who grow up in families where there is domestic violence are more likely to accept relationships which include domestic violence. Blaming women for their oppression is unfair.

First of all why do you know so much about other people's relationship,
And secondly people only complain when they are having problems,those of us that are plodding along with things quite happily won't complain

Men can be horrible selfish people. Women can be horrible selfish people. It's not exclusive.

I'd actually say my DH is a nicer, better, more generous and giving person than I am!

@MerryMarigold

True Natty. Maybe MN has ruined men for me after what I see on here, and then see similar stuff (albeit slightly less extreme) in RL relationships. Basically selfish, arrogant men getting their own way and leaving their wives to do twice the amount of work they do.

You can't base your opinion of men on what you read on Mumsnet ,Mumsnet is not representative of real life .

First of all why do you know so much about other people's relationship.

I have close friends and family. We confide in each other, spend a lot of time together and I know them very well, most of them for many years.

Definitely agree OP. The way that women and men are socialised so differently definitely contributes to this.

Also the fact that until very, very, recently women did not have the same power as men do in society. And even thats debatable as to how much power we have now. We may no longer be legally raped in marriage, we can now open our own bank account (both of these things are very recent) but we still have less power socially. This dynamic means many women accept bad relationships and marriages as for many thousands of years they've been the only means of protection and social mobility for women.

Were fighting thousands of years of socialisation and culture, women have only just begun to have an (almost) or at least on paper equal role in the society men have built.

I think it's telling that for the two relationships where you'd be reasonably expected to know best whether it was balanced (your own and your parents'), you think it is.

I think you may just be looking in from the outside so not seeing as clearly. Although of course there are unbalanced relationships. Also, there's an element of subjectivity - different faults wine different people up more or less. Ideally you'd end up with a partner who, while not free of faults, is relatively free of the ones that annoy you the most. So when you're looking at others' relationships, you can't really make an even-handed assessment of which faults are worse, because it partly depends on what you care more about. (Excepting abuse, cheating, etc, but I don't think that's what you're talking about - it's on a different level.)

Relationships can be at fault due to alot of reasons from males and females. But one thing that's hugely changed in the last 10 years is social media. I have had to block men I thought were my long term friends or linked to my family because they got inappropriate 😐 these men were in relationships with children. I don't know if women do this as I'm obviously not going to have women interested in me romantically.

As for other things. I have friends who's boyfriends are always on the xbox and won't help with fhe kids. I have friends who's partners take the kids fishing and help with the house and take their girlfriends out. It really does depend.