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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Interfering with new parents?

80 replies

jotaaaaaa · 09/02/2022 21:16

NC for this and I'm not 100% what my AIBU even is but...

We visited one of DH's friends and his girlfriend last night who have just had a very longed after first baby. During the conversation, the new mum mentioned that her health visitor had been round and she was actually really nice, which surprised her because she'd horror stories about health visitors being interfering and nosy. She then followed this up with 'I mean, obviously there are some things that you don't tell her.. like we sleep with the baby in bed with us every night and nap on the sofa with him - she'd freak out to me, but bet she does that with her own kids!!'

I don't have any children myself, but DH has 2 - both older by the time I was on the scene, so I don't have much experience with babies. At the time alarm bells were ringing for me, but I didn't say anything.. because what do I know. The minute we left, DH was like 'did you hear what they said about sleeping with the baby?!'

Now I can't stop thinking about it - do we tell them this is actually really bad? Keep our nose out? I can't stop thinking about it.

It would really need to be DH that tells them, as they're very much his friends.. but he doesn't want to look like he's interfering. I can't stop thinking about how we'd feel if something was to happen.

YABU - keep your nose out and let them get on with finding their feet as new parents

YANBU - DH should tell his pal that this is really not okay

OP posts:
Thatsajokeright · 09/02/2022 21:19

YABU

JustKeepSwimmingJust · 09/02/2022 21:20

Yanbu - on the sofa sleeping. Point out how much more dangerous that is than intentional bed sharing.

DuggeeHugPlease · 09/02/2022 21:21

Co-sleeping isn't necessarily a no go providing it's done safely.
I'd stay out of it personally but if you feel you must interfere then ask if they follow the safe sleep guidelines for co-sleeping.

Also until you have a newborn who does not sleep independently - ever - it's easy to say you would never do it. Seriously after a few weeks of literally no sleep you will do whatever it takes to sleep.

User7312019 · 09/02/2022 21:21

YABU - co sleeping is a very common thing surely you have heard of it?

Mymsical · 09/02/2022 21:21

YABU - they are aware of the risks because they deliberately did not tell the HV. Which means they have probably done a lot of research and have made an educated decision and are mitigating any risks.

Inspectorslack · 09/02/2022 21:22

I wouldn’t say anything about the bed sleeping but I might if I knew them really really well say something about guidelines around sofa sleeping.

QuiltedHippo · 09/02/2022 21:24

They could mean baby sleeps on one parent on the sofa with another supervising during the day? If not then this is probably the most dangerous thing you can do.

Night time co sleeping wouldn't worry me at all, totally possible to do it properly and safely.

TheLovleyChebbyMcGee · 09/02/2022 21:25

They are 2 separate things, safe cosleeping is fine, but sleeping on the sofa is really risky!!!

TooManyAnimals94 · 09/02/2022 21:25

So how would that conversation go? "Oh by the way, when we left the other night I couldn't stop thinking about how you're recklessly endangering your child. As someone who hasn't raised kids please heed my advice " ??
Just leave it alone.

BellatrixOnABadDay · 09/02/2022 21:26

It's the sofa sleeping that rings alarm bells tbh. Nothing wrong with co-sleeping safely in a bed but napping on the sofa is really concerning.

I would mention it, as carefully as possible. I'd rather risk the friendship and know I had done everything I could to prevent something awful from happening to their family. Even if it's unlikely, it does happen.

BurbageBrook · 09/02/2022 21:26

Co sleeping is one thing… but the sofa Confused really risky

Original poster
jotaaaaaa · 09/02/2022 21:26

Yes it's the sofa napping, more than the bed sharing, I was concerned about.

I'm not being judgy or saying I would do everything differently and/or better at all, I'm just genuinely concerned and asking if I'm right to be, or if I'm just being a worrier!

@DuggeeHugPlease you are totally right - I can't even deal with a new dog keeping us awake without caving and letting him in the bed, I can't imagine how desperate I could get with a baby!

OP posts:
miltonj · 09/02/2022 21:28

You are being hugely unreasonable. Co sleeping is a perfectly normal thing to do. It would be completely inappropriate and weird for you to say anything,

Original poster
jotaaaaaa · 09/02/2022 21:29

@TooManyAnimals94

So how would that conversation go? "Oh by the way, when we left the other night I couldn't stop thinking about how you're recklessly endangering your child. As someone who hasn't raised kids please heed my advice " ?? Just leave it alone.
Well obviously I wouldn't say that..

Like I said.. it would be DH that would need to mention it (who has raised 2 kids) and is really close friends with the dad, not me and I'd think he'd be alot more tactful than that

OP posts:
MotherOfCrocodiles · 09/02/2022 21:29

They know it is not advised. They knew it before the health visitor told them and she no doubt told them again. What do you think you would add by telling them? You will just pass them off and they will think YABU to give advice when you have not cared for a baby yourself.

Hankunamatata · 09/02/2022 21:32

Co sleeping ok if done correctly. Sleeping on sofa makes me feel ill, easy way to smother a baby

Chuchali · 09/02/2022 21:33

YABVU. There's nothing wrong with co sleeping if done safely, I've been co sleeping for 9 months and my HV is totally supportive of it

Original poster
jotaaaaaa · 09/02/2022 21:34

@MotherOfCrocodiles

They know it is not advised. They knew it before the health visitor told them and she no doubt told them again. What do you think you would add by telling them? You will just pass them off and they will think YABU to give advice when you have not cared for a baby yourself.
The other example they gave was that they didn't tell her they used a perfect prep machine, which I know tends to divide opinions.

I guess my concern was just that they thought the sofa sleeping was much the same as that - which (maybe wrongly) feels very different to me.

I do take your points though, which was why I was asking the question and didn't just go in all guns blazing

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 09/02/2022 21:35

DH says he used to nap with ours on the sofa. He did, and I was there wide awake next to them. You don’t know exactly what they’re referring to. It seems unlikely they’re both having a doze on the sofa with a baby squished in between them.

Nothing wrong with bed sharing and plenty of HVs are clueless about it so I don’t blame them for keeping it to themselves.

You’re friends with these people. Unless you usually think they’re raging idiots it seems odd you’re assuming reckless irresponsibility from them. They’d have to be thick enough to do it and even thicker to tell people.

cuno · 09/02/2022 21:35

Well I'm not sure what you can tell them that they haven't already been told by the health visitor? I mean they clearly know about the risk, that's why they are lying. I coslept with my daughter and didn't tell the health visitor! I would have been annoyed if a friend lectured me about this because I researched it in depth and mitigated any risk as far as possible. My daughter sleeping separately simply wasn't working for us and I couldn't carry on like that. It's the napping on the sofa part that is the concern, that is really dangerous and I wouldn't have done that, but health visitors do go on about it A LOT ime so they'll already know.

ferntwist · 09/02/2022 21:35

Definitely get DH to say something about sofa sleeping. No way should they be doing that

Yuckypretty · 09/02/2022 21:36

Yabu.

She wasn't telling you how often it happens or any detailed accurate into so you can't judge her from what she said.

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/02/2022 21:37

I don’t get why you’re assuming the worst and being so suspicious. It’s really strange.

WTF475878237NC · 09/02/2022 21:39

Sleeping on the sofa is so dangerous but they clearly know this and don't care! Poor baby.

Original poster
jotaaaaaa · 09/02/2022 21:41

@AnneLovesGilbert

I don’t get why you’re assuming the worst and being so suspicious. It’s really strange.
I'm not assuming the worst or being suspicious at all. I don't think they're terrible parents and im not suggesting I phone social services to have the child removed...

I was concerned, so was DH, they're first time parents (and I appreciate that makes them more knowledgable than me already) and i wanted to get opinions on whether DH should, gently, say something. It's not a witch-hunt, it's genuinely friendly concern from a really well intentioned place

OP posts: