Page 2 | Interfering with new parents?

jotaaaaaa · 2022-02-09T21:16:54+00:00

NC for this and I'm not 100% what my AIBU even is but... We visited one of DH's friends and his girlfriend last night who have just had a very longed after first baby. During the conversation, the new mum mentioned that her health visitor had been round and she was actually really nice, which surprised her because she'd horror stories about health visitors being interfering and nosy. She then followed this up with 'I mean, obviously there are some things that you don't tell her.. like we sleep with the baby in bed with us every night and nap on the sofa with him - she'd freak out to me, but bet she does that with her own kids!!' I don't have any children myself, but DH has 2 - both older by the time I was on the scene, so I don't have much experience with babies. At the time alarm bells were ringing for me, but I didn't say anything.. because what do I know. The minute we left, DH was like 'did you hear what they said about sleeping with the baby?!' Now I can't stop thinking about it - do we tell them this is actually really bad? Keep our nose out? I can't stop thinking about it. It would really need to be DH that tells them, as they're very much his friends.. but he doesn't want to look like he's interfering. I can't stop thinking about how we'd feel if something was to happen. YABU - keep your nose out and let them get on with finding their feet as new parents YANBU - DH should tell his pal that this is really not okay

waterrat · 09/02/2022 21:42

This is so not your business to comment on. I can't believe you are even thinking about it. I've had two babies and done plenty of co sleeping and snoozing on sofa upright with baby on my chest. Totally normal

You are not close to them and really know nothing about how they are looking aftet their baby. They have got plenty of advice if they want to follow it online and from hv

ambushedbywine · 09/02/2022 21:42

YABU

TheFormidableMrsC · 09/02/2022 21:42

I'd be worried and all of these bloody comments that are hinting at "what do you know"? Co-sleeping, not so much but I still wouldn't do it. Sofa sleeping is a bloody massive risk and I know this myself. I fell asleep with my baby who didn't sleep ever, maybe 20 mins in the day, up all night. I woke up suddenly to find him face down in the corner of the (leather) sofa. He was fine, thank fuck but I'm absolutely sure he would not have been had I not woken up. I never put myself in that position again. I'm still haunted by it, and he's now 10!

Given your DP noticed that comment, I'd suggest he approaches that with them. I mean it's just bloody madness. However, so easy to do when you're absolutely struggling with a newborn.

Forgotthebins · 09/02/2022 21:42

YANBU about the sofa sleeping but as comments here show, people don’t take a question well even if it is coming from a place of love. I would encourage your DH to raise it with them but I bet he bottles it, most people do. I did things wrong with my first baby (not that but other things) and how I wish now that someone had had the courage to raise those things with me.

TheFormidableMrsC · 09/02/2022 21:45

@waterrat

This is so not your business to comment on. I can't believe you are even thinking about it. I've had two babies and done plenty of co sleeping and snoozing on sofa upright with baby on my chest. Totally normal

You are not close to them and really know nothing about how they are looking aftet their baby. They have got plenty of advice if they want to follow it online and from hv

Yeah, I fell asleep or "snoozed" as you put it with my baby upright on my chest. I woke up with him face down in the corner of the sofa and it haunts me. Don't be so bloody judgmental about somebody showing concern in this situation

oopsyu · 09/02/2022 21:48

The sofa sleeping is terrible.
Co sleeping is fine when done correctly. DC3 couldn't sleep in the Moses basket so I co slept very early on. The midwife saw the basket and made an assumption that I didn't correct as co sleeping has a bad reputation.
I'v never had a perfect prep as I'v breastfed but they're so popular now and I think most people know to check the tubes are clean. Not sure why that would cause issue.

RussianSpy101 · 09/02/2022 21:49

YABU. I’ve coslept with all 3 of my children. My husband and I have always had a little cat nap with the baby on us whilst the other parent is present so able to watch.

Do not interfere.

Rosebel · 09/02/2022 21:50

I never co slept with mine but as long as they follow the guidelines it's fine.
In the early days DS had to be fed every 2 hours (he lost a lot of weight and actually ended up back in hospital). This meant I was barely getting any sleep in the week as DH was back at work and a few times I fell asleep sat up on the sofa with baby on me.
Obviously not advised but he really didn't settle in the day unless he was on someone.
I always felt awful when I woke up and panicked. I was lucky, DS was fine but not something I'd actually choose to do.
However they know they shouldn't do it so doubt they will change if you say anything. I'd leave it.

Original poster

jotaaaaaa · 09/02/2022 21:50

Thanks everyone for the constructive replies. I do know it's such a sensitive topic, hence asking the question. I would never say anything myself, it's just whether I strongly encourage DH to or not.

It really really is coming purely from a place of concern. I'm not being judgy or horrible in the slightest. Just the way they said it, it felt like they thought the HV would be precious about it - but in reality the sofa napping can be really dangerous. Of course, maybe they are aware and are taking precautions etc., but maybe they're not and they don't realise. Hence the dilemma of do we tell them, do we not

OP posts:

roastingmichael · 09/02/2022 21:51

You are right to be concerned about the sofa sleeping because it is dangerous. It also leads you to wonder if they safely co sleep and follow guidance.

This is the problem with the blanket 'don't co-sleep' message. Parents don't learn how to do it safely unless they go looking for the information themselves.

I honestly don't know how you or your partner would address this without causing offence but I'd rather totally fuck a mate off than find out their baby has suffocated on a sofa cushion.

TheFormidableMrsC · 09/02/2022 21:52

Jesus Christ there are some absolute know it all twats on this thread. OP, you sound lovely and caring and reluctant because you're not a parent but you are absolutely right and your instincts are spot on. Honestly, you're in a difficult position, as I said in my previous post I'd perhaps encourage DP to have a chat with them. To say you're withholding things from the HV means they know what they are doing is risky in my view. It is bloody risky. I know, I've been there 🤷🏻‍♀️

Happyhappyday · 09/02/2022 21:54

My neighbor puts her rolling 6 month old on the kitchen counter unattended ALL THE TIME. Our post box is in front of the window where he is so I see him when I check the post every afternoon. After he fell off the sofa at 4 weeks old (slippery leather sofa), I mentioned the number 1 cause of injury deaths in under 1s is falls. She laughed. Still does it & sticks him on the counter. She’s otherwise a caring parent & kiddo seems fine. She’s making a choice I think is bad but what can you do!

Keep your nose out!

BellatrixOnABadDay · 09/02/2022 21:58

@TheFormidableMrsC

Jesus Christ there are some absolute know it all twats on this thread. OP, you sound lovely and caring and reluctant because you're not a parent but you are absolutely right and your instincts are spot on. Honestly, you're in a difficult position, as I said in my previous post I'd perhaps encourage DP to have a chat with them. To say you're withholding things from the HV means they know what they are doing is risky in my view. It is bloody risky. I know, I've been there 🤷🏻‍♀️

Yep, and people who can't read the OP either because both the OP (and her husband) were concerned about the SOFA SLEEPING, not safe co-sleeping in a bed.

Original poster

jotaaaaaa · 09/02/2022 22:01

@TheFormidableMrsC

Jesus Christ there are some absolute know it all twats on this thread. OP, you sound lovely and caring and reluctant because you're not a parent but you are absolutely right and your instincts are spot on. Honestly, you're in a difficult position, as I said in my previous post I'd perhaps encourage DP to have a chat with them. To say you're withholding things from the HV means they know what they are doing is risky in my view. It is bloody risky. I know, I've been there 🤷🏻‍♀️

Thank you, and so sorry to hear you had such a fright

The logical person in me says that it is very unlikely anything will happen, that there are plenty of other people better placed to give them (probably unsolicited) advice around this and that it's not our place.. but the other part of me can't help thinking what if

OP posts:

Marimaur · 09/02/2022 22:02

Sofa sleeping is actually potentially dangerous.
YANBU but your DH should say something gently to his mate.

Cissyandflora · 09/02/2022 22:05

I always slept with my baby. Right from birth in the hospital too. I’m a big fan. That baby is now grown up and would not sleep with their own baby. Too anxious. It’s really normal though so I would not get involved at all with this.

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/02/2022 22:06

Yep, and people who can't read the OP either because both the OP (and her husband) were concerned about the SOFA SLEEPING, not safe co-sleeping in a bed.

No, that’s not true.

OP says:

The minute we left, DH was like 'did you hear what they said about sleeping with the baby?!'

Not sleeping on the sofa with the baby. Just sleeping with the baby.

Xmassprout · 09/02/2022 22:06

They obviously are aware what the midwife would say about the sofa sleeping, but have deemed it a risk they're willing to take. So in this case they've made an informed decision, so do you really think that they will take notice of what you say?

BellatrixOnABadDay · 09/02/2022 22:08

@AnneLovesGilbert carry on splitting hairs if you like, OP mentioned sofa sleeping in the OP and her follow up post was

Yes it's the sofa napping, more than the bed sharing, I was concerned about.

Original poster

jotaaaaaa · 09/02/2022 22:09

"Not sleeping on the sofa with the baby. Just sleeping with the baby."

@AnneLovesGilbert I did then clarify that it was the sofa sleeping we were concerned about..

OP posts:

BoredZelda · 09/02/2022 22:10

They obviously are aware what the midwife would say about the sofa sleeping, but have deemed it a risk they're willing to take. So in this case they've made an informed decision, so do you really think that they will take notice of what you say?

Exactly. They don’t need to be talked to as if they are idiots. They are making a choice. It isn’t up to OP ot DH to take it upon themselves to lecture them.

ToInverness · 09/02/2022 22:10

I would probably say something about the sofa sleeping, but they may be doing it in some way that is actually pretty safe, e.g. maybe the other parent is sat next to them, awake, or maybe they just mean the baby naps and they lounge around and watch mindless TV. So be prepared to back track if you've just misunderstood. The fact they said that to you suggests to me that they are fairly open to discussing it and won't cut you off completely for mentioning it.

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/02/2022 22:11

You still haven’t clarified that you know they’re both sleeping on the sofa, at the same time, with the baby.

As I said, DD spent most evenings on DH on the sofa, he often nodded off too and I was awake next to them. We were both sober, don’t smoke, I’d be reading, watching something, or on my phone, they’d be having a snooze. Nothing remotely dangerous going on. Which might be exactly what they’re talking about.

So the 3 issues are baby napping on one of them on the sofa, baby bed sharing, perfect prep. I bf so never used one and I know HVs are anti them but people on here bloody love them and they’re very popular.

I just can’t see how a possible conversation would take place.

busyeatingbiscuits · 09/02/2022 22:14

I'd have to say something.

Yes, you might offend them - but better that than the baby dying.

IrishMama2015 · 09/02/2022 22:20

YABU - honestly this is one way to end the friendship. If your advise or opinion isn't asked then please don't offer it. Co sleeping is the biological norm and as long as they are following the safe sleep rules then it's their informed choice. You are not clear or sure what was meant by sofa sleeping