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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Interfering with new parents?

80 replies

jotaaaaaa · 09/02/2022 21:16

NC for this and I'm not 100% what my AIBU even is but...

We visited one of DH's friends and his girlfriend last night who have just had a very longed after first baby. During the conversation, the new mum mentioned that her health visitor had been round and she was actually really nice, which surprised her because she'd horror stories about health visitors being interfering and nosy. She then followed this up with 'I mean, obviously there are some things that you don't tell her.. like we sleep with the baby in bed with us every night and nap on the sofa with him - she'd freak out to me, but bet she does that with her own kids!!'

I don't have any children myself, but DH has 2 - both older by the time I was on the scene, so I don't have much experience with babies. At the time alarm bells were ringing for me, but I didn't say anything.. because what do I know. The minute we left, DH was like 'did you hear what they said about sleeping with the baby?!'

Now I can't stop thinking about it - do we tell them this is actually really bad? Keep our nose out? I can't stop thinking about it.

It would really need to be DH that tells them, as they're very much his friends.. but he doesn't want to look like he's interfering. I can't stop thinking about how we'd feel if something was to happen.

YABU - keep your nose out and let them get on with finding their feet as new parents

YANBU - DH should tell his pal that this is really not okay

OP posts:
Original poster
jotaaaaaa · 09/02/2022 22:22

@AnneLovesGilbert

I have clarified this. I said that of course they might be taking precautions.. but they might not... the dad is back at work now and works long shifts, so the impression I got wasn't as you have suggested with one of them being present and awake, but it may well be. I don't know. I've said that already

I was using the perfect prep machine as a comparison, that they were treating both things (sofa sleeping and perfect prep) as the same level of risk. I don't have an opinion on whether they are good or bad.

Conversation would be DH having a chat with the dad, just saying 'btw you mentioned this, just make sure you're being careful' or something, I don't know, but there could be a gentle conversation easy enough

OP posts:
busyeatingbiscuits · 09/02/2022 22:28

Sofa sleeping isn't safe co-sleeping - so it may just be that they haven't realised this is so risky.

Original poster
jotaaaaaa · 09/02/2022 22:31

@busyeatingbiscuits

Sofa sleeping isn't safe co-sleeping - so it may just be that they haven't realised this is so risky.
This is exactly my concern. And not because I think they're stupid or irresponsible or anything like that, but they may genuinely not realise how serious it can potentially be
OP posts:
ByMyName · 09/02/2022 22:38

I’m sure mum is aware of risks and she is using her own judgement.

I coslept on occasions with DC1 and practically all the time with DC2. I’m now pregnant with DC3 and I’m planning on cosleeping.

I don’t drink or smoke and I’m a light sleeper anyway. If I ever take any medication at all and I only would ever take paracetamol - baby sleeps in their cot.

And I genuinely believe that newborn babies are meant to be as close physically to their mum as possible. This is what they know and where they feel safest.

GirlOfTudor · 09/02/2022 22:45

If the men are the closer ones, I think it's a great idea for your husband to bring it up to hers. Don't take the snotty comments on this thread too seriously. You're genuinely concerned for your friends and their newborn baby. You have the best intentions. Good luck ❤️

shivawn · 09/02/2022 22:48

Most of the people telling you you're being unreasonable are completely ignoring the napping on sofa with the baby and just focusing on the co-sleeping. I think it would be strange if you weren't a bit concerned. It really would have been best to respond to it there and then rather than coming back to it later but I can understand why you didn't.

Original poster
jotaaaaaa · 09/02/2022 22:57

@GirlOfTudor

If the men are the closer ones, I think it's a great idea for your husband to bring it up to hers. Don't take the snotty comments on this thread too seriously. You're genuinely concerned for your friends and their newborn baby. You have the best intentions. Good luck ❤️
Thank you! DH had mentioned it again this evening, so I do think he's open to having a chat with his friend. He's reluctant - probably scunnered from getting unsolicited advice when he was a young dad, but i think his friend would take it as it's meant - as kind and well intentioned help
OP posts:
Original poster
jotaaaaaa · 09/02/2022 23:05

@shivawn

Most of the people telling you you're being unreasonable are completely ignoring the napping on sofa with the baby and just focusing on the co-sleeping. I think it would be strange if you weren't a bit concerned. It really would have been best to respond to it there and then rather than coming back to it later but I can understand why you didn't.
This is exactly what I've been saying to DH tonight. I didn't trust my instincts enough to say anything there and then, but I wish he'd done so
OP posts:
Barleysugar85 · 09/02/2022 23:40

We co sleep in the bed and on the sofa with our baby!

The sofa sleeping is on my husband, when I'm awake and monitoring. When I need a break and the baby is sleepy, but I'm worried he might fall asleep holding her, I'll potter around and keep an eye on the both of them and let them co-sleep together. It's pretty win-win as they both wake up rested and I never leave the room for more than a minute or so at a time. If your friends mean this I wouldn't worry.

INeedNewShoes · 09/02/2022 23:45

If they're not drinking alcohol before co-sleeping I'd not say anything about that. If they're co-sleeping under the influence of alcohol I'd be concerned.

Most parents will get something wrong at some point with the baby, and get a scare but thankfully everyone lives to tell the tale and then learns from it. I once left DD on the sofa and just nipped out the room for literally 10 seconds and came back and she was face down (well before she'd learned to roll). It scared the hell out of me and I never did it again. I hope your friends will have a scare like this, but ultimately harmless and make them rethink.

Original poster
jotaaaaaa · 09/02/2022 23:47

@Barleysugar85

We co sleep in the bed and on the sofa with our baby!

The sofa sleeping is on my husband, when I'm awake and monitoring. When I need a break and the baby is sleepy, but I'm worried he might fall asleep holding her, I'll potter around and keep an eye on the both of them and let them co-sleep together. It's pretty win-win as they both wake up rested and I never leave the room for more than a minute or so at a time. If your friends mean this I wouldn't worry.

Yeh I understand, but my problem is I don't know that this is what they mean. If I knew they meant that I wouldn't be worried
OP posts:
Original poster
jotaaaaaa · 10/02/2022 00:01

@INeedNewShoes

If they're not drinking alcohol before co-sleeping I'd not say anything about that. If they're co-sleeping under the influence of alcohol I'd be concerned.

Most parents will get something wrong at some point with the baby, and get a scare but thankfully everyone lives to tell the tale and then learns from it. I once left DD on the sofa and just nipped out the room for literally 10 seconds and came back and she was face down (well before she'd learned to roll). It scared the hell out of me and I never did it again. I hope your friends will have a scare like this, but ultimately harmless and make them rethink.

I think I mentioned above, it's less the co-sleeping I'm worried about and more the sofa napping.

Sorry to hear you had such a scare! But you're right, if something like that happened, the same mistake won't be made again!

OP posts:
ChefJones91 · 10/02/2022 01:22

Your heart is in the right place OP. They know that what they are doing is not recommended as they are cracking jokes about hiding it from the HV. Due to that I would stay out of it.

I was dead set against ever having my baby in bed, but real life got to me and she has come in occasionally when she was teething when I was at breaking point…ultimately though it’s not for us because I’m far too paranoid about rolling over on her or whatever so I actually can’t sleep if she’s there.
On the other hand,My SIL openly and frequently talks about how her newborn sleeps in bed with her and her 2 and 4 year old and would say she knows it’s not good but just loves having them all in bed. Most new parents know all about the guidelines, whether they choose to follow them or not is a different story, I don’t think anything you can say will change their minds but by all means say something if it’s eating away at you.

daisy46 · 10/02/2022 02:57

YABU.

Caterinasballerinas · 10/02/2022 07:31

I don’t know when your DH might get chance to speak to his friend but he needs to maybe say that the keeping things from the HV stuck with him because there were 3 things they said, 2 of which he wants to reassure his friend the HV would be ok with but might just have a few pointers on the safest ways to do it (Co-sleeping and perfect prep) but the sofa sleeping isn’t the same and has risks, your DH didn’t feel comfortable that all things being hidden were equal. It’s so hard to give this gentle type of advice and I can tell you are coming from a good place with this.

DontWantTheRivalry · 10/02/2022 07:31

Co-sleeping in bed is fine.

Co-sleeping on the sofa is absolutely not fine.

What a difficult situation you’re in Sad

Original poster
jotaaaaaa · 10/02/2022 07:57

@Caterinasballerinas yeh I think this is the perfect way to approach it, thank you! he plays football with him tonight and is picking him up and dropping him off, so I'll suggest that he maybe mentions this in the car on the way home

OP posts:
ferntwist · 10/02/2022 18:52

Please say something about the sofa sleeping OP. You could save a life. Lullaby Trust have amazing resources

ferntwist · 10/02/2022 18:53

Those saying YABU I don’t think have read the posts properly

Fairyliz · 10/02/2022 19:01

Before I had children I wasn’t going to sleep with my child no not at all.
That lasted about one night when I realised I wouldn’t get any sleep otherwise. Surely people have done this for hundreds of years?
As an aside have you noticed how the curve of your armpit is the exact shape to go over your babies head? I could actually let the baby latch on and start feeding then go to sleep.

busyeatingbiscuits · 10/02/2022 19:33

@Fairyliz

Before I had children I wasn’t going to sleep with my child no not at all. That lasted about one night when I realised I wouldn’t get any sleep otherwise. Surely people have done this for hundreds of years? As an aside have you noticed how the curve of your armpit is the exact shape to go over your babies head? I could actually let the baby latch on and start feeding then go to sleep.
Sure, but sleeping on a sofa with a baby is very dangerous.
BlueCookieMonster · 10/02/2022 19:36

The SID risk is four times higher on a sofa, it’s really risky.

Thehop · 10/02/2022 20:05

If she’s using a perfect prep she’s not exclusively ready feeding which means they shouldn’t be bed sharing according to the safe Co sleep guidelines. Vo sleeping is only deemed safe for exclusively breastfed babies.

So you’re right, absolutely

But you can’t say anything no way. It won’t end well. They obviously know the risks.

Eightiesfan · 10/02/2022 20:22

I’m not going to say that YABU, but both my sons slept with DP and I. They were both breast fed and not only was it easier to keep them in bed with us but it was also a lovely bonding experience. I know people harp on about it being unsafe, but this was not my experience, someone else may say different, but each to their own and it’s certainly not your place to criticise.

Chuchali · 10/02/2022 20:23

@Thehop

If she’s using a perfect prep she’s not exclusively ready feeding which means they shouldn’t be bed sharing according to the safe Co sleep guidelines. Vo sleeping is only deemed safe for exclusively breastfed babies.

So you’re right, absolutely

But you can’t say anything no way. It won’t end well. They obviously know the risks.

Where on the safer sleep co sleeping guidelines does it say it's only safe for EBF breastfed babies and not for formula fed babies? I can't see anything on The Lullaby Trust website about that.

All I can see is not to co sleep if

	Either you or your partner smokes (even if you do not smoke in the bedroom)

	Either you or your partner has drunk alcohol or taken drugs (including medications that may make you drowsy)

	Your baby was born premature (before 37 weeks)

	Your baby was born at a low weight (2.5kg or 5½ lbs or less)