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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have hated being single?

89 replies

Lizanotliz · 09/02/2022 16:08

Another thread inspired this one.

I spent years single. I just never got a boyfriend when my friends did, and then drifted into adult life on my own. Had pretty much given up then met now-DH age 38.

Obviously it wasn’t all bad, or I’d be saying my whole life was bad, but I hated so many aspects of it.

I hated feeling like life was passing me by. If I wanted a holiday I had to go on my own. If I wanted to go to a concert or see a show I probably wouldn’t have been able to as my friends would have gone to something like that with own partners. (I know I could have gone alone but not pleasurable for me personally.)

Finances were always such a worry. I lived in a very expensive area so even on a good salary it was a stretch.

The idea of not having children used to really upset me.

Being excluded from certain events because for couples and also as I entered my thirties, being excluded from some because I wasn’t a parent.

I know that being single is preferable to being with a cruel or abusive partner but I hated it.

OP posts:
Comedycook · 09/02/2022 16:12

I agree. My order of preference is

  1. A happy relationship
  2. Single
  3. An unhappy relationship
ouch321 · 09/02/2022 16:19

So, now you are married and in 'the club' you're now using this thread to make everyone who is single feel even worse about themselves!!

How lovely!!

GettingThemFromHereToThere · 09/02/2022 16:22

I can imagine being a single person into 30s is pretty scary. The prospect of no kids and the real exclusion must be upsetting.

YANBU.

On reflection, do you have any idea why you were single? Were you not putting yourself out there?

SantaClawsServiette · 09/02/2022 16:22

Sure. Lots of people when push comes to shove would rather be partnered up.

speakingofart · 09/02/2022 16:23

Total opposite for me. I love being single and would absolutely hate to be in a relationship.

Original poster
Lizanotliz · 09/02/2022 16:23

@ouch321

So, now you are married and in 'the club' you're now using this thread to make everyone who is single feel even worse about themselves!!

How lovely!!

God, no, not at all. I’d never do that!

I think it’s an interesting discussion. For one thing, not everyone will necessarily feel the same, but for those who do I think it’s reassuring that it’s not just you. So often people talk on here about how brilliant being single is and about how you should just make friends or do things alone but it’s not always possible.

OP posts:
DrSbaitso · 09/02/2022 16:24

I can understand that and you're not wrong to feel that way.

But it would certainly have been better than being stuck in a bad relationship.

DrSbaitso · 09/02/2022 16:25

@Comedycook

I agree. My order of preference is
  1. A happy relationship
  2. Single
  3. An unhappy relationship
I wouldn't have number 3 as an option at all. Sounds miserable.
coodawoodashooda · 09/02/2022 16:26

Fk i can totally relate to this. And now I'm divorced which is a horrible club too.

Original poster
Lizanotliz · 09/02/2022 16:26

@GettingThemFromHereToThere there were a few things. Since I’d never been in a relationship, pursuing one didn’t come naturally. So although I hated it, being single was my ‘norm.’

I also had quite a turbulent time in my 30s, work wise and personally. I couldn’t imagine anyone would be interested in me. I also put on a lot of weight which I imagine put a few men off.

And I just didn’t have any opportunities to meet anyone other than online. My friends were all in relationships and with small babies so if I got out at all it tended to be to a farm or similar!

OP posts:
Notadramallama · 09/02/2022 16:26

I utterly love being single and child-free and wouldn't change it for anything (I was previously in a relationship for 20 years)

Original poster
Lizanotliz · 09/02/2022 16:27

@DrSbaitso one thing I do notice is single people are always reminded of this.

I think most know this but it doesn’t mean you can’t talk about the fact being single can be rubbish. I mean, people struggling in marriages aren’t told ‘well you could be single and unhappy too, you know!’

OP posts:
DrSbaitso · 09/02/2022 16:29

[quote Lizanotliz]@DrSbaitso one thing I do notice is single people are always reminded of this.

I think most know this but it doesn’t mean you can’t talk about the fact being single can be rubbish. I mean, people struggling in marriages aren’t told ‘well you could be single and unhappy too, you know!’[/quote]
No, of course not. But being in a miserable relationship really is so much worse, and means you're not available for the right person, so I don't think you need to feel guilty or as if you were wasting time or anything like that. It was the best option available at the time.

And of course, plenty of people do love being single. There's no wrong way to feel about it.

Hawkins001 · 09/02/2022 16:30

For me, the loneliness without friends on and off, was more of a pickle, yes it was nice when I was with my ex, but rather than isolationist policy of just the two of us, I should of been building friendships too, then I for a couple of years I was lonely, and finding friends with intrest s was a pickle,

Fast forward to now

Yes I'm happier as I have different friends that I can chat to as and when and have different situational conversations with about different topics, as for relationship wise, yes it would be nice, but after being close with a good female friend, it has made me cherish also being on my own in the sense of being more flexible with different situational aspects. Overall if I meet someone as and when, then yes it would hopefully be the missing piece so to speak.

Original poster
Lizanotliz · 09/02/2022 16:33

feel guilty or wasting time

I don’t think I do really, but I honestly don’t think single people need reminding every single time there’s a moan about being single that it is worse in a bad relationship.

I honestly can’t think of any other area where it’s so consistently done. People who moan about their jobs aren’t told how much worse being unemployed is, a groan about children not sleeping or misbehaving isn’t (or shouldn’t be) checked with how awful it is to be infertile. For some reason, it’s single people who need to be reminded of this fact.

OP posts:
BattenbergdowntheHatches · 09/02/2022 16:42

This reply has been withdrawn

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Comedycook · 09/02/2022 16:43

I wouldn't have number 3 as an option at all. Sounds miserable

No neither would i...I'm just making the point that my preference is to be in a relationship but that being single, as much as I dislike it is preferable to a bad relationship.

Original poster
Lizanotliz · 09/02/2022 16:45

Believe me, making the most of it looks very different at 27 and 37.

OP posts:
YellowAndGreenToBeSeen · 09/02/2022 16:49

@GettingThemFromHereToThere

I can imagine being a single person into 30s is pretty scary. The prospect of no kids and the real exclusion must be upsetting.

YANBU.

On reflection, do you have any idea why you were single? Were you not putting yourself out there?

I’m confused by this - what is meant by ‘real exclusion’? Exclusion from what?
Original poster
Lizanotliz · 09/02/2022 16:50

From what couples and families do, especially at weekends.

OP posts:
YellowAndGreenToBeSeen · 09/02/2022 16:50

(For transparency - I’m 52 and have been single for 22 years bar a misjudged year around 2005).

YellowAndGreenToBeSeen · 09/02/2022 16:51

@Lizanotliz

From what couples and families do, especially at weekends.
Not my experience. I see my friends and family at weekend. They don’t exclude me.
DrSbaitso · 09/02/2022 16:51

@Lizanotliz

feel guilty or wasting time

I don’t think I do really, but I honestly don’t think single people need reminding every single time there’s a moan about being single that it is worse in a bad relationship.

I honestly can’t think of any other area where it’s so consistently done. People who moan about their jobs aren’t told how much worse being unemployed is, a groan about children not sleeping or misbehaving isn’t (or shouldn’t be) checked with how awful it is to be infertile. For some reason, it’s single people who need to be reminded of this fact.

Well, I suppose people are just trying to help, and to stop you from getting involved with some rancid bellend who will only make you more miserable.
RedCandyApple · 09/02/2022 16:51

I’m a single parent and hate it, can’t even date as I’m a lone parent (father not involved) so I’m forced to stay single. Yanbu

BattenbergdowntheHatches · 09/02/2022 16:58

This reply has been withdrawn

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