To have hated being single?

[Lizanotliz]

Another thread inspired this one.

I spent years single. I just never got a boyfriend when my friends did, and then drifted into adult life on my own. Had pretty much given up then met now-DH age 38.

Obviously it wasn’t all bad, or I’d be saying my whole life was bad, but I hated so many aspects of it.

I hated feeling like life was passing me by. If I wanted a holiday I had to go on my own. If I wanted to go to a concert or see a show I probably wouldn’t have been able to as my friends would have gone to something like that with own partners. (I know I could have gone alone but not pleasurable for me personally.)

Finances were always such a worry. I lived in a very expensive area so even on a good salary it was a stretch.

The idea of not having children used to really upset me.

Being excluded from certain events because for couples and also as I entered my thirties, being excluded from some because I wasn’t a parent.

I know that being single is preferable to being with a cruel or abusive partner but I hated it.

I'm still making the most of it at 57

@Ted27

I'm still making the most of it at 57

IIRC, you have a child.

While I think single parenting presents a whole load of other challenges and I wouldn’t be so patronising as to pretend I do, I do think it is different to facing going into your 50s and 60s with no family at all.

I certainly don’t think it’s easier - harder in many ways - but different.

I used to love being single and meeting /flirting with lots of different guys
I wish I'd have appreciated it more

I was single until I was 27. Which at the time felt so old but I know it's really not haha - I think it was heightened by the fact that I just kept meeting guys who turned out to not want kids and I knew I definitely wanted them. I didn't like being single at all. I like my own company but I still wanted a partner. 🤷‍♀️ I had/have friends although most of them were in relationships, so I did travel on my own, go to concerts on my own, restaurants, spent most of my weekends alone etc... But I way prefer life now that I have a buddy for any of those things.

People (generally partnered up people) used to say "oh you need to be happy alone before you get into a relationship!" but I just didn't like it. I really love having a partner in life, and I'm glad I held out for someone who was right for me. We have so much fun together.

Interesting thread, as one of my friends is unhappily single. I invite her to loads of things but she assumes a) everyone else there will be a couple/ one of a couple and b) she will be unhappy because of this.

It's hard to know what to do, honestly I don't feel my life is "better" but I'm happy with it, just as i don't think it's "better" to live in the city vs the country - it's horses for courses. Although obviously you have way less choice about being single - maybe that's why it feels unfair, you're not living as you'd choose?

@amiafreakofnature

I used to love being single and meeting /flirting with lots of different guys I wish I'd have appreciated it more

Of course, you may tell me that you are actually 88 but this sort of comment is, I feel, often made by those who have memories of being single when they were (fairly) young. As you get older, I think those opportunities are less and even if for whatever reason they weren’t for you personally it’s easy to see that this holds true for most people.

Besides there is nothing to stop people who love being single being single!

I think it’s a valid conversation to start too.

I was relatively young I guess when I met DH but I was single for years as a new professional in London before that and I had all these ideas of what it would look like - like Friends or SATC - and it wasn’t really like that. Most of the people I was friends with settled down really young even if they didn’t go on to have children until their mid thirties, they were still living with the partner they would go on to marry by their early twenties in the main (probably unusual?). I was the third wheel a lot.

I dated a lot and easily found people to date without having to go online but they were always very temporary people and it felt more sad and less exciting than I’d imagined when I was a teenager and imagined being 23 etc.

I hated feeling like life was passing me by. If I wanted a holiday I had to go on my own. If I wanted to go to a concert or see a show I probably wouldn’t have been able to as my friends would have gone to something like that with own partners. (I know I could have gone alone but not pleasurable for me personally.)

I'm 43 and permanently single, my friends are all married/in a couple and we go to things together all the time. In the next few months we're booked for the theatre, a concert and an escape room, we also have lunch together at least once a month. They go to things with their partners too, sometimes we'll just all go to the pub, partners included. I've also never been excluded from anything because I'm not in a couple, why would someone do that?

Sounds like you need better friends.

I’m a single parent and I’m quite happy. I have lots of friends and family. It’s better than being in BBC a bad relationship and, for me at least, an ok relationship. I like having my own space.

I can honestly say I much prefer my freedom and independence to the 4 live in relationships I have had.

I hate the compromise the noise sharing a bef sharing tv Netflix etc. Hate the monotony.

I have changed 180 degrees. I used to 'need' a man.

Never again. Finding interesting fellow single women pals is hard and sometimes money but other than that single rocks.

I have ds to go on holiday with until he finds a girlfriend and by then will need to save up for retirement lol.

I love being single! It’s so nice to not have someone else’s dramas to deal with & I have tons of friends, I’m rarely out of company & my life is peaceful.

I feel blessed to have had a rich & varied life, and I’ve experienced all of the possibilities you mention. I’m glad I had children, I’m glad I tried marriage, but by far I’m at my happiest now.

I hated it too to the point of deep depression. Took it very personally as there being something wrong with me and felt excluded from life full of couples seemingly having everything I couldn't.

For me, therapy sorted out my issues as I was single due to negative self esteem etc but I realise there are many reasons for being single just giving my experience

my son is nearly 18,

he has his life, I have mine, we meet for dinner and sometimes breakfast. We still have days out together though.

I actually have more of a social life than he does.

I don't understand why friends can't do things with you just because they have a boyfriend. It's sad really

@ouch321

So, now you are married and in 'the club' you're now using this thread to make everyone who is single feel even worse about themselves!!

How lovely!!

Huh? She's not doing that at all. Projection much?

Of course you’re not unreasonable for not liking being single. Everyone’s experience is their own.

Personally I am really enjoying being single. I’m already a parent so I don’t need to worry about not having kids, and my relationship was so terrible I’m not in a hurry to get into another one.

I keep sort of waiting around to get lonely and it’s just not happening. I’ve been single a year and a half (ish) and I’m very content right now.

@slashlover possibly but then I don’t think I would have expected anybody to leave their small children with dad for two weeks to come on holiday with me.

I really don’t feel that’s something many people would do. Although of course if your friends do for you, that’s great. Just isn’t typical.

@thewhatsit when I started my first teaching job it was the same. There were other young teachers but all had boyfriends / girlfriends.

OP that's fair enough about really wanting children, I think it must be extremely hard for people who find themselves in that position.

Bit of a tangential point but one thing I don't completely understand, now that I've got to that sort of age myself, is the idea that friendships automatically have to change as people get married and have children. Obviously the nature of my friendships has changed a lot since my 20s, but that has very little to do with my friends' relationship status and much more to do with no longer living in shared housing, working full time, people moving away, the fact that none of us have the stamina to go out to bars every weekend anymore irrespective of having children, and so on.

Do people really exclude their single friends from activities based purely on the fact that they're not part of a couple? What kind of activities do people do that require being partnered up? And for that matter, what kind of activities that require having children? Obviously I wouldn't go with my friends to mum and baby groups, but I'm happy to meet the ones with young children at softplay etc, or just sit around in their living room, or whatever is easiest for them.

I'm genuinely asking, because this was a huge source of anxiety to me when I was younger and everyone made out that getting 'left behind' as a single person was inevitable. Now that most of my friends have reached that stage it it seems to be... a total non-issue, really?

@Heartofglass12345

I don't understand why friends can't do things with you just because they have a boyfriend. It's sad really

I think they can and do but when small children are thrown into the mix life changes.

Which is why I don’t think you can easily compare being single at 25 and being single at 35.

I have certainly never excluded someone on the grounds of being single but I do know it happens.

I think in general though, it is easier to make new friends when you are in a relationship and with children especially.

I think also very relevant here is that if you live in a big city, often when people settle down they leave to the suburbs near the good schools and where they can afford houses etc. So it’s not necessarily about friends not being good friends or excluding single people it’s just when you suddenly find yourself in middle of all the exodus of the married people it means your friendship group diminishes a lot.. or even if you stay very good friends with those that have left, it’s still not the same and you won’t see them as often.

I wasn't single in my 20s, most of my friends were.

I was single at 35, my friends were all partnered up and having babies
Only one excluded me because I was single and childless. Everyone else invited me along to whatever, including holidays. We stayed friends because I mucked in with the kids.
I adopted because I wanted to be a mum. Now our children are all relatively independent, our friendships are still intact and we are starting to adult things together again.
I've never let being single stop me doing what I wanted to do, whether I was 25, 35, 45 or 55.

Realistically there are pros and cons to being in a relationship and being single. They're both hard indifferent ways.

I found being single hard when people judged me for not having a relationship, assuming I was dating constantly, and wanting to be entertained by "crazy dating" stories, expecting me to always travel there and make the effort, people banging on and on and on about their kids (god it's boring).

I loved being single because I was able to spend time qualifying into my profession, travel the world doing whatever I want, bought myself own place, cultivated my wonderful friendships and relationship with family and extended family.

So actually thinking about it the things I didn't like were other peoples attitudes towards me. Judgmental cunts! Hahahahaha

@psychomath

OP that's fair enough about really wanting children, I think it must be extremely hard for people who find themselves in that position.

Bit of a tangential point but one thing I don't completely understand, now that I've got to that sort of age myself, is the idea that friendships automatically have to change as people get married and have children. Obviously the nature of my friendships has changed a lot since my 20s, but that has very little to do with my friends' relationship status and much more to do with no longer living in shared housing, working full time, people moving away, the fact that none of us have the stamina to go out to bars every weekend anymore irrespective of having children, and so on.

Do people really exclude their single friends from activities based purely on the fact that they're not part of a couple? What kind of activities do people do that require being partnered up? And for that matter, what kind of activities that require having children? Obviously I wouldn't go with my friends to mum and baby groups, but I'm happy to meet the ones with young children at softplay etc, or just sit around in their living room, or whatever is easiest for them.

I'm genuinely asking, because this was a huge source of anxiety to me when I was younger and everyone made out that getting 'left behind' as a single person was inevitable. Now that most of my friends have reached that stage it it seems to be... a total non-issue, really?

Quite often people in couples go out more individually (rather than both together) once you have kids, as it's easier than having a babysitter etc. Me and dh hardly ever go out together but both see friends on our own.

@Ted27 that’s great and I’m glad you feel that way.

But this wasn’t the case for me and I do think I can be honest about that without the inference that I shouldn’t talk about it or that it is something lacking in my friendships or elsewhere.

DH and I went on holiday three times last year. All UK holidays and not hugely flush but there is no way I would have been able to afford that on just my salary. Especially not with a child too.

I doubt very much I’d have been able to afford a baby and my mortgage on my salary. I suppose arguably I could have sold my flat and moved into rented but would that be a great life for my child? Probably not.

It may have been that I really needed to find other single friends but I just couldn’t!