To have hated being single?

[Lizanotliz]

Another thread inspired this one.

I spent years single. I just never got a boyfriend when my friends did, and then drifted into adult life on my own. Had pretty much given up then met now-DH age 38.

Obviously it wasn’t all bad, or I’d be saying my whole life was bad, but I hated so many aspects of it.

I hated feeling like life was passing me by. If I wanted a holiday I had to go on my own. If I wanted to go to a concert or see a show I probably wouldn’t have been able to as my friends would have gone to something like that with own partners. (I know I could have gone alone but not pleasurable for me personally.)

Finances were always such a worry. I lived in a very expensive area so even on a good salary it was a stretch.

The idea of not having children used to really upset me.

Being excluded from certain events because for couples and also as I entered my thirties, being excluded from some because I wasn’t a parent.

I know that being single is preferable to being with a cruel or abusive partner but I hated it.

That’s good, @YellowAndGreenToBeSeen but it is the case for a lot of people that they don’t.

This may be related to people having very small children and I do understand it myself now I have a toddler but it doesn’t make it any easier for the thirtysomething on their own!

I promise, I need no further reminders of the fact a bad relationship is worse. I acknowledged it in my OP anyway.

But not every single time @BattenbergdowntheHatches

Not on here.

Looking back the main blot on my single life (basically all of my 20s) was the feeling that something must be wrong with me. Children were also a worry as I knew absolutely I couldn't do that on my own. My husband isn't perfect (he doesn't like holidays ), and I find the reality of little kids a grind. Sometimes I miss the freedom so much it hurts. Still, my future feels more optimistic than when I was single. Watching my kids grow is endlessly amazing, and no, I couldn’t have managed being a single mum.

@ouch321

So, now you are married and in 'the club' you're now using this thread to make everyone who is single feel even worse about themselves!!

How lovely!!

Or not. I read it more like someone being honest about what they are thinking in a world where people are repeatedly told that they must have the best time as a single woman, or they are somehow not strong feminists.

All the "you have to live as a single woman and be happy and feel like your life is complete as it is, then you're ready for a relationship". That is not how life works for most people. And it's not true. Wanting a different life is not a problem

glad to have maybe been your inspiration OP!

I think it can be a complex question in terms of what you can get out of life.

I have a very clear cut comparison with my sister who got married at 25. First of there kids at 29.

She is a total and utter mess. Hasn't even started to address the issues that were caused by our childhood, was pretty awful to her kids and is now facing the panic of how is she going to distract herself from herself now they are approaching independent ages. I VERY clearly still have my own truckload of issues but I think that I really am going to reach being at peace with myself and the world and really enjoying the "richness of life" (for want of a better phrase).

My mother broke up with my awful father (who she'd been with since she was 15) and moved straight into a marriage with "the love of her life". He's not awful like my father - but its a massively co dependent relationship and has been a factor in our own relationship estrangement. Its meant that she's never faced up to her own issues.

I think what being single can gift you - especially if you've suffered trauma - is the space to really work through it properly. My friend who I have been talking about (other thread reference soz) got together with her partner at 30 and is still with him and I do think that this has probably restricted her growth (he has his own bucketload of issues).

But I think that is very different from the twee tagline that is so often bounded around about how fab it is to be single. There's so much cliched hyperbole about it - and it just reinforces how women are categorised according to their status with respect to a man.

That said, when the tardy fucker finally knocks on my door and presents himself I will be very relieved to not have to carry the heavy suitcase.

And yet...

"unmarried and childless women are the happiest subgroup in the population. And they are more likely to live longer than their married and child-rearing peers, according to a leading expert in happiness."

Guardian article with link to peer-reviewed study here: www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/may/25/women-happier-without-children-or-a-spouse-happiness-expert

I think it's quite refreshing to see a thread like this because I really do feel like the majority of the time people are just told they must embrace their singleness and make the most of it and go out and do things on their own. I'm sure that all comes from a well-meaning place, and I know there are a LOT of people who genuinely enjoy being single and having adventures on their own and wouldn't couple up at all, but for a lot of people there isn't anything to "make the most of".

I was single for a while before meeting my partner and OF COURSE being alone is better than being in a bad/abusive relationship... but there were no aspects of being single I enjoyed really. I hated the lack of physical affection, not having someone to chat to about the random trivia of the day, someone to click with, share things with, wouldn't have enjoyed going to a restaurant/cinema/anything else on my own, and of course being able to split finances and act as a team is very helpful (we were able to buy a house last year, something which on my own I don't think I would have managed without an inheritance or similar, and holidays are easier and more fun together).

We are childfree (we both got very lucky to both meet someone who had never ever wanted kids!) so we do have quite a lot of "freedom" still which we may not have felt we had with kids, and we do both have hobbies that leave the other with some free time for an afternoon or evening per week so still have some time to "do our own thing", but we both just love spending time together and doing a lot of activities together.

I've gone on quite a tangent here lol but I'm glad you posted OP as I sometimes felt (not necessarily on here but in general) that I could never really voice how much I disliked being single as I "should" be having a great time and backpacking across Asia on my own or taking myself out for romantic meals. Fab for a lot of people, but not for me.

I was single for nearly 20 years until I picked up my other half two years ago at the age of 48. That twenty years wasn't what I had planned for myself, but a conversation with an amazing single woman made me reassess everything I had.

The only things I hated were 1) not having children and 2) the alienation from female friends who were married and/or having kids. Everything from not inviting you to dinner or parties because it was couples-only, to sitting on the losers table at weddings, to bailing on things that weren't child-friendly because they wouldn't (not couldn't) come without them.

I got used to not having kids - I made my peace with it. I stopped being friends with the women who saw me only as a minor option when they needed something. I made friends with other single or childless/childfree women of all ages - that's been the most enjoyable and most beneficial bit about it all.

I see my other half two days a week. The rest of the time it's me and it's lovely. I don't want him to move in, or share a bank account - it's just enough. And it's worth pointing out that I didn't meet him until I was truly happy being single.

YANBU to have hated being single, just as people who enjoy being single are not BU. We all have our struggles and problems, and we all have our own personality. Of course we don't all feel the same way about relationships, or anything else.

I never dated when I was young. I was shy and it just never happened. The boys I would have liked never asked, and I didn't want to do the asking. I sometimes felt quite lonely, though looking back, I was very young and shouldn't have worried about it. At the time, I felt that "everyone" else was dating and I might be alone forever. Obviously I was better off alone than with someone awful. That didn't mean I wasn't still lonely at times.

People may mean well when they downplay the pain so many feel over being single, but of course it's a real thing that many singles experience. Pretending otherwise is pointless, if not hurtful. Sometimes partnered people try to talk it up to single friends because they don't know what else to do, feel awkward, and want their friends to feel better.

@LondonReturner I’m certainly not suggesting that no one can enjoy it. It may well be that my experience was very specifically related to singleness in my 30s. But I certainly always felt silenced if I ever tried to talk about it.

I prefer being single. It's easier.

I enjoyed aspects of being single and living alone but I'm aware that I look at it through rose tinted married spectacles.

I hated the uncertainty and worrying that I wouldn't have children. I was jealous of those with a 'person' who was their team. I was nobody's 'person' for long stretches. I was always skint so I worried I'd never afford a home of my own.

But in hindsight I did like the privacy, the quiet, the solitude, the control of what was in my house and where it went, the self reliance, the freedom to be sad, angry, slovenly/strict about certain things for a while without feeling guilty of my impact on a partner.

I think if someone could have given me an expiry date on my single days, I would have enjoyed that a lot more.

Probably same @MrsTophamHat

It's your life and you can feel however you like about your relationship status? I wouldn't have thought it was something that needed a vote carried out.

@GettingThemFromHereToThere

I can imagine being a single person into 30s is pretty scary. The prospect of no kids and the real exclusion must be upsetting.

YANBU.

On reflection, do you have any idea why you were single? Were you not putting yourself out there?

Personally I actually find it a lot easier now than I did in my early 20s - I think because there's so much more general uncertainty at that point in life around identity, friendships, career and so on (at least there was for me). It's clear to me now that I don't have the sort of friends who are going to exclude me and only do 'couples' activities' (ugh) now that they're partnered up and in some cases have children, and I know some truly amazing people who clearly think I'm great too, which has allayed all my fears that there must be something wrong with me. I'm also a lot more sure in my feelings about not wanting children myself, which means there's no hard deadline for meeting someone. Being single feels much more like a choice now that it did ten years ago, even though both then and now the main reason for my singledom was that there were very (very) few people I liked in that way in the first place.

Everyone is different though and I do agree that sometimes there can be almost a sense of competition over who needs other people the least, especially on forums like this. I remember years ago wailing to a friend that I couldn't even tell whether I wanted a partner and had to pretend I didn't in order to be a strong independent woman, or didn't want a partner and had to pretend I did in order to be normal On the whole I think everyone would be better off if we were all a bit less obsessed with both our own and other people's relationship status.

@Classica

It's your life and you can feel however you like about your relationship status? I wouldn't have thought it was something that needed a vote carried out.

That wasn’t really the point of my thread, which to be honest is fairly obvious, so I am assuming you were just letting me know you didn’t approve of the thread or its whereabouts.

@psychomath had I not wanted children so badly, being single would have been easier.

@Classica

I can perhaps see why it took so long for you find someone.

What an unpleasant comment.

YNBU, I could've written this post myself, was also single until 38 and although would tell people I was happily single I wasn't. It was always hanging over me. Most people who are single have at least been with people, I think it's quite unusual to have never been in a relationship by some point at that age like me and I totally felt the odd one out. The reason I hadn't met anyone was just a mixture of not liking the whole pub/club scene and just being very shy when I was younger...I distinctly remember when I was about 25 some guy saying to me I was giving off a desperate 'vibe' so maybe that was why! Weirdly it was when I was at peace with it was when I met my now DH. Sadly did miss out on the whole kids thing, never happened and am now too old (45)

Ignore the nasty comment OP! I think it’s a valid conversation to have

I’m sorry to hear that @jiskoot

I seriously considered having a child alone but I don’t think it would have been affordable. And I would only have been able to have one.

YANBU. It was miserable 80% of the time. I had numerous weekends where the only person I spoke to was the checkout lass at Asda.

@Amibeinghighmaintenance

Ignore the nasty comment OP! I think it’s a valid conversation to have

It was one of the most spiteful remarks I have seen on here for some time, which is saying something!