To have hated being single?

[Lizanotliz]

Another thread inspired this one.

I spent years single. I just never got a boyfriend when my friends did, and then drifted into adult life on my own. Had pretty much given up then met now-DH age 38.

Obviously it wasn’t all bad, or I’d be saying my whole life was bad, but I hated so many aspects of it.

I hated feeling like life was passing me by. If I wanted a holiday I had to go on my own. If I wanted to go to a concert or see a show I probably wouldn’t have been able to as my friends would have gone to something like that with own partners. (I know I could have gone alone but not pleasurable for me personally.)

Finances were always such a worry. I lived in a very expensive area so even on a good salary it was a stretch.

The idea of not having children used to really upset me.

Being excluded from certain events because for couples and also as I entered my thirties, being excluded from some because I wasn’t a parent.

I know that being single is preferable to being with a cruel or abusive partner but I hated it.

I think in general though, it is easier to make new friends when you are in a relationship and with children especially.

I agree with a lot of the things you've said, but my experience of this is the total opposite. As a single person with no children I can be completely flexible to see people where and when it's convenient. I can go for spontaneous drinks after work without having to let anyone know, go to events without first checking whether I can arrange childcare or get my partner to stay home, and travel around the country to meet up with people without it being a huge pain in the arse. For my friends who are in relationships it's a bit more difficult, and for those with small children it's really hard. I guess you don't get the ready made group of 'mum friends' if you don't have children, but, like neighbours or colleagues, there's no guarantee you'd get along with them anyway - other than that, I don't really see how it makes a big difference?

But friendship is not just about when and where you see people. It is much, much more than that.

I'm very happy in my relationship now but I was equally happy single. Looks like I'm a bit of an anomaly!

Well yes of course, but again I don't really see how being single or not changes that? And actually being able to meet/do stuff with people surely does make quite a big difference to finding new friends specifically, which was what you mentioned?

(I feel as though I might be coming across as deliberately obtuse here, but I'm not, I genuinely don't understand what you mean!)

34 single and love it!

I would like to find someone to settle down with and I think being content on my own in someways makes that harder as it will take someone special. I’m fortunate that I probably could afford to be a solo mum should I choose that route in a few years time so can enjoy being single and dating without so much pressure.

@Lizanotliz

my original reply was intended to be a somewhat flippant response to whoever said its different making the most of it at 37 than at 27.

I haven't inferred that you shouldn't talk about your feelings.

But really the only thing that stops single people doing things is their own attitudes to being single, and probably money, but you can be with a partner and have no money as well.

Having a child is not a partner substitute, particularly when they are young. Its not guarantee that you won't be alone when you are old. My son will grow up and leave home, maybe he will move away, even to another country. I'll still be here, probably still single and enjoying life,

And we also had three UK holidays last year, one salary, two all intents and purposes 2 adults

I’m sure you’re not being deliberately obtuse, but I do feel as if my experiences aren’t being believed.

Finding new friends isn’t straightforward. Where do you meet them? People say ‘clubs’ or ‘a hobby.’ Well, like what? I don’t know any clubs, I tried with reading groups and with meet up groups for a while but the members were transient.

I worked in my old job for seven years and while i had some friends, most were in couples. Have been in my new job since September and have already made friends - why - similar aged children. Immediate point in common.

I have friends from the NCT, baby classes, mum exercise classes. Of course, this isn’t true of every new mum and I’ve been very lucky but it’s definitely so much easier. Walk up to a random person at the park and strike up a chat and they will think you are odd. Chat to another mum at the swings and totally normal.

Ted - really the only thing that stops single people doing things is their own attitudes to being single, and probably money, but you can be with a partner and have no money as well.

You can be with a partner and have no money but then you still have company. If you are single and have no money, you don’t see anyone. You can’t go to theirs or go out for coffee or lunch.

But I do think some things are just not enjoyable alone - for me personally - that’s not to say everybody has to agree. But I’d feel self conscious eating alone in a restaurant and well, you can’t have sex alone!

I’m not miserable being single —- I’m miserable because my DH died.
I spent years single before I met him ( after leaving abusive h ) and in that time I went on holiday with my two DDs and went on holiday alone, regularly went to the theatre alone. Never bothered me. But now it’s different because I don’t miss just having another person with me, I miss him.

I am 33 and single. It's so hard to read all of the advice saying 'love yourself,' 'you have to be happy alone' etc.

I do quite like myself, but how can I not wonder why I'm the only one I know still single?! I'd have to have the ego of a fascist dictator!

I would really love children but like you, can't afford to do it on my own. I'm so sad that that option is running away from me.

My friends' children are lovely and wonderful, but it makes my heart hurt to see them and sometimes I just want my friends. I've made time (and I will be honest, paid a lot of money) for hen dos, weddings, baby showers, baby gifts, and I wish they would replicate by trying to organise something for adults. I don't want to tag along to a farm and muck in, not all of the time.

It's hard because no one knows what to say, and it's so unacceptable to say. So instead you say things like 'well, if it happens it happens' and don't talk about the loneliness.

YANBU to feel how you feel. I adore being single personally and prefer it to being in a relationship. I've got good friends though who cherish our friendships and do things without partners in tow, I couldn't be friends with people who have to bring their partners everywhere.

I also have a child so that makes a difference.

@ouch321

So, now you are married and in 'the club' you're now using this thread to make everyone who is single feel even worse about themselves!!

How lovely!!

Er, no. I like being single, I don't feel bad about it.

Im 47 and have been single pretty much consistently since I divorced at 32. I'm pretty content. I have moments of longing for a partner, I was never able to have children and some DIY is impossible on your own but I have a lot of freedom and many interests, hobbies and friends. In terms of doing things that fulfill me and make me happy, I'd say I do better at being single than having to compromise with someone else.

I don't disbelieve your personal experience, but your post that I was originally disagreeing with made it sound like it was universally true that making friends is easier when you're in a couple or have children, and I wasn't sure why that would be the case. Most of my newer friends are from work (like you, I realise this isn't true for everyone and I've been lucky) and I don't think having a partner or children would have made a big difference to how easy I found it to befriend them.

Your point about striking up random conversations in the park is one I hadn't thought of, though. People do tend to think you're a bit odd if you do that without a small child nearby, it's true