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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To call social services -aibu

108 replies

Kanfuzed123 · 09/02/2022 15:25

Right long one, so bear with will try not to drip feed. Will obscure a few details so it’s not too outing but here goes:

Do I call social services and say a former a friend has had another baby with former partner? Former partner was heavily abusing child number 1, there was even the possibility it was sexual (unlikely but couldn’t be ruled out to the nature of his behaviour). Child was under 3 and he’d be going into her room in the middle of the night and the child would scream, mother did nothing just rolled over and went back to sleep, next day child would have bruises in odd places, inner thigh and then bite marks and scratches.

I tried to empower her to leave him, it didn’t work she cut me out, he beat the crap out of her and then she called me sobbing so I called the police and told them everything, she then blocked me on everything. There is more to this, his family don’t know about this kids and there is a cultural chasm at play here too. But I’ve just been told by a mutual friend that she’s had another baby with him.

Social services were involved after I called the police and it was the case that under no uncertain terms were they to be together again, he refused to engage in the child protection conference so they said no contact. The bruises on that child were significant and quite shocking, even more so the mum let it happen.

Should I call SS and say he’s the father? I’m genuinely worried about the kids

OP posts:
HubbaBubbaBubbaloo · 09/02/2022 22:17

Yes, please do. Her reaction is inevitable, but has no bearing on whether you should try to protect her child. The child can't advocate for themselves and is at risk. You're doing the right thing by calling.

Original poster
Kanfuzed123 · 09/02/2022 22:17

The dad is a dangerous man, think gangs, prison class a drug dealing, not to mention he’s a violent bully. I don’t know the extent of his presence, mums family has some violence there too. I am worried about fallout for me, we don’t speak so it’s not from a losing a friend POV, but any violent fallout

OP posts:
MsJinks · 09/02/2022 22:18

NSPCC just pass to social services to investigate anyway. They can probably’chat’ more and feel more approachable but basically it’s a referral to SS via their phone line.

3peassuit · 09/02/2022 22:21

Call immediately.

HubbaBubbaBubbaloo · 09/02/2022 22:22

They won't say who you are, but they might be able to work it out anyway by the information you provide as SS will quote what's been reported to them.

HubbaBubbaBubbaloo · 09/02/2022 22:22

You can state that you fear you are at risk for reporting and they might be a bit more careful about what they disclose.

thenewduchessoflapland · 09/02/2022 22:25

@Kanfuzed123

Yes *@mummykel16* the dad is from a different and quite insular community where we live (UK). His family don’t know he’s fathered 1 let alone 2 children outside of marriage.

I'm praying he doesn't have a wife within his community and have children with her;abuse would have significantly less chances of being reported and the family will usually close the ranks to protect the abuser.

BeefSupreme · 09/02/2022 22:33

Does your friend go for any medical appointments? A midwife should automatically have contacted Social Services.

Original poster
Kanfuzed123 · 09/02/2022 22:35

I only have mum and older childs name as details now, nothing else. Hence why I called nspcc. There were a lot of people involved in the child protection conference so the info could come from anyone hopefully. I did say I want to remain anonymous for fear of safety.

Does he have a wife in his community? This is something social services and the police were investigating 2 years ago. There was a strong chance he had another child by another woman though, the mother (my former friend ) thought so. He was quite young at the time, he’d only be mid twenties now, so hard to say if he’s married for sure. What a shit show. There’s a lot to this, I just hope it doesn’t get lost in the system, you know if the old case got closed etc

OP posts:
Original poster
Kanfuzed123 · 09/02/2022 22:37

@BeefSupreme

Does your friend go for any medical appointments? A midwife should automatically have contacted Social Services.
I mean she was pregnant so would have surely?

But to be clear we aren’t friends anymore, she cut me out of her life for reporting the situation before and explaining it to her family when they called me and asked (withheld numbers so I can’t call them now)

OP posts:
Bumpy23 · 09/02/2022 22:43

Safeguarding is everyone's responsibility.
Yes- look put for those vulnerable children and do what you can to protect them.

BitcherOfBlakiven · 09/02/2022 22:46

Yes you have to tell them, because it sounds like the only reason her child wasn’t removed is because they (foolishly) believed she understood the risks of having him around. Obviously not, if she’s pregnant with another child of his. It’s likely he’s already started the abuse again.

Don’t let this slide OP.

Original poster
Kanfuzed123 · 09/02/2022 22:49

I’ve already called nspcc and they’ve said they’ll escalate, but should I call the initial case worker too, she saw right through her but the case was ultimately passed off to someone else, i was looking in my phone and I still have her number saved. Or is nspcc enough, just worried it will fall through the cracks somehow, like it has before. Poor child, 2 years old and covered in bruises, she must have been terrified

OP posts:
Mummapenguin20 · 09/02/2022 22:57

Id call case worker

MsJinks · 09/02/2022 22:59

Case workers change roles often, so she may not be still in that area. NSPCC should definitely make the referral as it’s part of their processes. Your friend’s details will still be their - the child will have records of all events against its name. Social also have a duty to follow up all referrals.
I’m surprised she’s sneaked under the radar of the midwife or perhaps more so health visitor as they’ll have records of previous intervention with the older child.
If you’re still worried though do call the old caseworker as she can either pick it up or pass it on.
It could be it all got sorted out last time and case was closed and they’re happy enough this time - it often depends how stretched an area is sadly as to how much intervention they can support.
You did the right thing but just because you might not hear anything changes doesn’t mean it hasn’t been reviewed - it’s SS call at the end of the day whether it’s a good or bad one you at least have done the right thing.
Try not to worry too much.

BitcherOfBlakiven · 09/02/2022 22:59

I would contact the case worker yes.

Balanced12 · 09/02/2022 23:00

I'd call the case worker too, it's too.important

Belle82 · 09/02/2022 23:03

WTAF!
Definitely call SS. You have to protect that children over a blind sided friend 😔

Fayekrista · 09/02/2022 23:08

Why are you even asking??? For gods sake ring SS!!!!

GrandmasCat · 09/02/2022 23:10

Yes, call the initial case worker, if she remembers the case, she might get it to be looked at in more detail even if she is not in charge anymore.

Original poster
Kanfuzed123 · 09/02/2022 23:12

The HV I think, it happened from moving areas, the second time the abuse happened, I took the child in and she got given my childrens health visitor but she left and then obviously went somewhere else and I’ve got to be honest the HV are pretty abysmal where I am, they didn’t even contact me who took the child in, just the mum with a call, never saw the child in person.

I honestly have no idea if it’s in the MW radar because I’ve not seen nor heard from her in over 2 years. Should have made the fact we are no longer in contact clearer in the OP

OP posts:
cabbageking · 09/02/2022 23:39

If you are genuinely worried then act your concerns.

flashy44 · 10/02/2022 00:24

Please please call them ASAP

LoisLane66 · 10/02/2022 00:36

In a word, YES.

Dibbydoos · 10/02/2022 00:39

Hi OP. You know, others know about this too. Why are humans so crap at getting together to do the right thing? If there was a group of people like you, you wouldn't feel like you're shuldering this on your own facing potential risks.
I know the NSPCC got it wrong in the Victoria Columbe case, SS get it wrong a lot more. But I reported kids being abused and SS took the kids away. Guy went to prison, their mum was a waster so hopefully the kids are happier and healthier now. The prob is we all know kids want to be with their actual parents - I think it's a version of Stockholm syndrome.
But whatever we do, we can't bury our heads when we know stuff is happening.
Well fine for calling the nspcc. The SS case lead will probably have too much on to progress things, but I think it's worth a shot. Also call the police. Make them create a MASH. Someone will investigate it properly. Bite marks etc are obvious injuries, the first child may still show signs of abuse.
Men like him think they're above the law until they end up in prison as someone's bitch.
Your ex-friend needs help, and she needs to be held accountable too.
Those poor children 😞