Page 2 | To call social services -aibu

TiffanyAchingsHatFullofSky · 09/02/2022 15:59

How does it make any difference if he's the father or not?

Whether he is in the childrens lives or not is the key.

Dammitthisisshit · 09/02/2022 16:02

After over zealous childrens services involvement in our baby for something that wasn’t true I would almost always run a mile from getting them involved. And on these threads I usually think the poster should challenge directly or offer support if concerned not hide behind a referral.

However in this case you absolutely should call them. Please call. If they know already (they should) then no harm done.

Jvg33 · 09/02/2022 16:08

Call them! Not for your friend, but her children! Your friend has a choice, her children do not.

Lipsandlashes · 09/02/2022 16:10

Do it now. Right now!

neverbeenskiing · 09/02/2022 16:10

I work in a safeguarding role. If you have reason to believe that this woman's DP is back living in the family home when SS have previously said he should not be there as he is a risk to the DC, then that absolutely warrants a phonecall to your local safeguarding hub. As to what they will do with this information, that depends. They will have to determine whether the information you've given is accurate, assess the risk to the children and take it from there. You may never find out what action is taken but you will have done the right thing by reporting your concerns.

Surely SS should already be involved?!

Not necessarily. If the risk to the children was from the DP and as far as SS are aware he has moved out and no longer poses a risk then they may have closed the case. The DM may have declined any further support. Most SS intervention is voluntary, the parent has to agree to it. Only in the most serious cases where there is evidence that DC are at immediate risk of significant harm can they compell parents to engage. The problem is that it's not unusual IME for women to move abusive partners out of the home on the instruction of social services and then move them back in again once they think they've fallen off the radar.

Original poster

Kanfuzed123 · 09/02/2022 16:17

@TiffanyAchingsHatFullofSky

How does it make any difference if he's the father or not?

Whether he is in the childrens lives or not is the key.

Should have provided a timeline sorry, I last spoke to her 2 years ago and it was the case then that if he was around again even once more she’d lose custody of the eldest, so the fact they’ve had another baby means that he’s been around and may still well be.

OP posts:

mummykel16 · 09/02/2022 16:21

@Kanfuzed123

Right long one, so bear with will try not to drip feed. Will obscure a few details so it’s not too outing but here goes:

Do I call social services and say a former a friend has had another baby with former partner? Former partner was heavily abusing child number 1, there was even the possibility it was sexual (unlikely but couldn’t be ruled out to the nature of his behaviour). Child was under 3 and he’d be going into her room in the middle of the night and the child would scream, mother did nothing just rolled over and went back to sleep, next day child would have bruises in odd places, inner thigh and then bite marks and scratches.

I tried to empower her to leave him, it didn’t work she cut me out, he beat the crap out of her and then she called me sobbing so I called the police and told them everything, she then blocked me on everything. There is more to this, his family don’t know about this kids and there is a cultural chasm at play here too. But I’ve just been told by a mutual friend that she’s had another baby with him.

Social services were involved after I called the police and it was the case that under no uncertain terms were they to be together again, he refused to engage in the child protection conference so they said no contact. The bruises on that child were significant and quite shocking, even more so the mum let it happen.

Should I call SS and say he’s the father? I’m genuinely worried about the kids

Cultural chasm?

AdmiralCain · 09/02/2022 16:21

Please make that call!!!! Bad things happen when people are indifferent or Apathetic. I'm sure the Hairdresser who said nothing when she was round arthur labinjo-hughes house is living with that regret everyday of her life.
When people say lessons need to be learnt, don't keep on doing the same and burying your head in the sand. X

Original poster

Kanfuzed123 · 09/02/2022 16:26

Yes @mummykel16 the dad is from a different and quite insular community where we live (UK). His family don’t know he’s fathered 1 let alone 2 children outside of marriage.

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mummykel16 · 09/02/2022 16:27

Sadly ss have a record for turning a blind eye to certain crimes.

I would report to police and SS, anonymously.

Wandda · 09/02/2022 16:28

You’re doing the right thing OP but I’m stunned that anyone would even question whether to call SS in this scenario.

Babadook76 · 09/02/2022 16:28

The most shocking thing about this is the fact that you haven’t already called them

SantaClawsServiette · 09/02/2022 16:29

I would call. They may well know already but I would not want to count on that.

mummykel16 · 09/02/2022 16:29

@Kanfuzed123

Yes *@mummykel16* the dad is from a different and quite insular community where we live (UK). His family don’t know he’s fathered 1 let alone 2 children outside of marriage.

Yeah I thought that would be the case, it's great you are willing to put your head above the parapet, I hope you can help the children.

BumsweaterNeuronywuss · 09/02/2022 16:36

This is literally what social services are for.

It wouldn't be voluntary in this situation if everything you've said is true.

Good luck.

Dinosauria · 09/02/2022 16:49

Please don't use that term, it isn't acceptable.

Yanbu to report

mummykel16 · 09/02/2022 16:55

And right there is one issue

Original poster

Kanfuzed123 · 09/02/2022 16:56

@Dinosauria

Please don't use that term, it isn't acceptable.

Yanbu to report

Sorry what term did I use?

(Sorry for any offense)

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Original poster

Kanfuzed123 · 09/02/2022 16:57

@BumsweaterNeuronywuss

This is literally what social services are for.

It wouldn't be voluntary in this situation if everything you've said is true.

Good luck.

Unfortunately there is more to the situation by way of the extent of the abuse so it’s even more harrowing than the OP

OP posts:

Emmelina · 09/02/2022 16:57

Absolutely call them!

AcrossthePond55 · 09/02/2022 17:11

Why would you even question it? That's rhetorical, I know these decisions aren't always easy to see clearly.

You do the right thing and that's all you can do. Whether or not SS does 'their' right thing is beyond your control, but you can rest easy knowing you've done all you can.

Just a question, and not a suggestion , but could it be a 'positive' thing to let his family/community know he's fathered these children if it could be done anonymously? Would it mean that he would be kept away from this woman? Obviously you shouldn't endanger yourself by doing so.

Troubleinpergatory · 09/02/2022 17:37

Of course you should report it, I wouldn't hesitate.

I have just had to report somebody for taking her children to a convicted paedophiles house and staying there with them for the weekend. I would do it again in a heartbeat, and will, should I hear about it again.

Never falter when it comes to child safety.

Polyputthekettleon · 09/02/2022 17:53

I would call immediately

Original poster

Kanfuzed123 · 09/02/2022 17:57

@AcrossthePond55

Why would you even question it? That's rhetorical, I know these decisions aren't always easy to see clearly.

You do the right thing and that's all you can do. Whether or not SS does 'their' right thing is beyond your control, but you can rest easy knowing you've done all you can.

Just a question, and not a suggestion , but could it be a 'positive' thing to let his family/community know he's fathered these children if it could be done anonymously? Would it mean that he would be kept away from this woman? Obviously you shouldn't endanger yourself by doing so.

I think it would be a positive in that sense for the kids, most likely he’d be forced to marry someone from ‘back home‘ or someone his parents see fit quickly. But he’d made it seem his family were ultra conservative and broke but it would transpire they aren’t, they’re quite progressive and wealthy people so who knows

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WonderfulYou · 09/02/2022 17:59

Absolutely call them!
They might not do anything and chances are they are already aware if she’s had a second child but still report.

My brothers ex was in a similar situation and was told that she could have her eldest removed and put with a foster family if she let her ex in again.
As soon as we found out she was back in a relationship we rang them as even though we were worried we wouldn’t see our niece and my brother wouldn’t see his daughter but it didn’t matter as the child was the most important one.
SS got involved and it was the best thing. She got the help she needed and never got back with the ex and the child wasn’t removed.