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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Have I been a bit silly? Buying a house when not married/engaged

79 replies

icannotbebothered · 08/02/2022 10:37

Hey all.. so I'm 27 and my boyfriend is 33, we have been together for 5.5 years. We moved in together when we had been together for 3 years and we are currently in the process of buying a flat together and have put in roughly equal amounts for the deposit etc.

I don't want to give loads and loads of background info because my question isn't whether or not he wants to marry me.. tbh my question isn't really to do with him, i'm just wondering if I've been silly starting the process of buying somewhere with someone who hasn't proposed or who hasn't given any inclination that he wants to get married, beyond just saying he does? (As in, actions speak louder than words)

Mumsnet talks a lot about women having children with men they aren't married to and how marriage is a legal protection etc etc, can similar be said for buying property??

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 08/02/2022 10:39

I think buying a flat together is fine, but I wouldn't share finances or get pregnant.

araiwa · 08/02/2022 10:39

No it's not the same as having a baby.

If you split, you sell it and split the money

Clymene · 08/02/2022 10:40

Do you want to get married? As long as you have discussed what will happen if you split up, it's ok to buy property with someone else. The reason mn bangs on about getting married before kids is that women's earning typically goes through the floor once children arrive and if you split up years down the line, your partner now has a fat pension pot and a 6 figure salary and you're earning 15k a year working around your kids.

Starlightstarbright1 · 08/02/2022 10:40

I think you should be having lots of conversations about future finance.

What if you do get pregnant. At the moment it sounds balanced but it is the future you need to consider

TulipsGarden · 08/02/2022 10:55

Do you want to get married and have children? And if you do have children, will you give up or reduce work?

Buying a flat together is fine if you put in equal amounts - if you split you can sell and take equal profits, if there are any. I would strongly suggest making wills to ensure everything is legally sorted to your own wishes, just in case one of you dies and half the house goes to someone else.

Being married protects the lower-earning partner. There are ways to replicate almost all the benefits of marriage in other ways (life insurance, pensions, death in service payout, power of attorney), the only thing you really can't replicate is inheritance tax laws. It will cost in solicitor fees to get everything in place. However, being married makes that all solidly legal and means no-one can get out of their responsibilities (or at least makes it much harder - there's no legislating for feckless fuckers).

You have been together quite a long time, so I think expecting a romantic proposal is unlikely now. If you want to get married you need to have an adult conversation about it, tell him what you want, and if he doesn't want the same thing you know where you stand.

DdraigGoch · 08/02/2022 11:05

It's not the same as when there are children involved.

Are you contributing equal amounts to the deposit? It's always worth running things past your solicitor to avoid aggro if you ever do split. They can give advice depending upon the circumstances, such as if one party is putting forward a larger proportion of the deposit following an inheritance.

Bumbers · 08/02/2022 11:06

I bought a house with my now DH before we were close to beign married / engaged.

We had different levels of deposit/ mortgage so set up a Deed of Trust. This would be the appropriate legal protection for property outside of marriage.

Sparklesocks · 08/02/2022 11:13

A lot of unmarried couples buy property together. If you buy as joint tenants you’ll both have the same stake so that if you split you both have to agree to sell. If you’re paying different deposit amounts though you just need to ensure that’s covered with your solicitor too.

And it sounds like you need a wider conversation about ensuring your goals - finances, marriage, children etc - are aligned. Having indications he might not want to get married if you do isn’t enough, you need to have a frank and open conversation.

Suprima · 08/02/2022 11:16

@icannotbebothered

Hey all.. so I'm 27 and my boyfriend is 33, we have been together for 5.5 years. We moved in together when we had been together for 3 years and we are currently in the process of buying a flat together and have put in roughly equal amounts for the deposit etc.

I don't want to give loads and loads of background info because my question isn't whether or not he wants to marry me.. tbh my question isn't really to do with him, i'm just wondering if I've been silly starting the process of buying somewhere with someone who hasn't proposed or who hasn't given any inclination that he wants to get married, beyond just saying he does? (As in, actions speak louder than words)

Mumsnet talks a lot about women having children with men they aren't married to and how marriage is a legal protection etc etc, can similar be said for buying property??

You’ll have complete legal protection if you are joint tenants- so I wouldn’t worry about that.

However- if he doesn’t want to marry you and is evasive about the question (and after 5 years and no ring, and no chat about it- he probably doesn’t) then I definitely wouldn’t be taking that step of home ownership with someone who is wasting my time.

SpaghettiArmsMurderer · 08/02/2022 11:19

If you’re contributing roughly the same there’s no issue, you buy as joint tenants and split the money equally if you sell. If you’ll be contributing different amounts to then buy as tenants in common reflecting that.

girlmom21 · 08/02/2022 11:22

It's much smarter to buy a house together than have a baby. Property can be sold with no contact ever again.

housemaus · 08/02/2022 11:23

I don't see the issue in doing it before marriage per se - it can be sold. Make sure you're protecting yourself if one of you is contributing more.

But I think there is an issue that you clearly want to be married/engaged ASAP and haven't really had a conversation with him about it. I'm not a "If he hasn't pledged betrothal by 18 months, leave immediately" type but after five and a half years, he either wants to get married or he doesn't.

Now given that you're still together and buying a house, I don't think there's any issue with him wanting to be committed, but he doesn't seem especially fussed for being engaged or married for whatever reason. If that is important to you, I'd think it was about time you had an honest conversation so that you know whether or not you're on the same page about it.

housemaus · 08/02/2022 11:25

@housemaus

I don't see the issue in doing it before marriage per se - it can be sold. Make sure you're protecting yourself if one of you is contributing more.

But I think there is an issue that you clearly want to be married/engaged ASAP and haven't really had a conversation with him about it. I'm not a "If he hasn't pledged betrothal by 18 months, leave immediately" type but after five and a half years, he either wants to get married or he doesn't.

Now given that you're still together and buying a house, I don't think there's any issue with him wanting to be committed, but he doesn't seem especially fussed for being engaged or married for whatever reason. If that is important to you, I'd think it was about time you had an honest conversation so that you know whether or not you're on the same page about it.

What I mean is - no, there's no issue buying with him having shown no inclination towards marriage either way, because if you split up over it the sale isn't likely to be too difficult. But why bother with the faff if you're not actually on the same page.
Susu49 · 08/02/2022 11:29

Agree with pp but unsure worth seeing a solicitor about this who can help set things up in a way that things will be split fairly if you break up.

Most legalexperts recommended you do so

Original poster
icannotbebothered · 08/02/2022 11:31

@SpaghettiArmsMurderer

If you’re contributing roughly the same there’s no issue, you buy as joint tenants and split the money equally if you sell. If you’ll be contributing different amounts to then buy as tenants in common reflecting that.
Tbh I say we are paying roughly equal, it's not strictly true, he is contributing £50k to the deposit, I am contributing £15k and then I have a gift of £30k from my family
OP posts:
JuergenSchwarzwald · 08/02/2022 11:32

@girlmom21

It's much smarter to buy a house together than have a baby. Property can be sold with no contact ever again.
Grin
pippatee · 08/02/2022 11:37

Dont worry you'll probably be fine!

It seems we are not the marrying sort in our family - I bought a flat with my DP in 2006 after being together 5 years and 15 years and 2 children later we are still together with no inclination to get married. We put in different deposits and so drew up an agreement stating what percentages we owned - something like 48/52 - and then equally contributed to the mortgage. When we sold and bought our current house we proceeded as normal and now have equal owenership.

My dear sister on the other hand didnt have such a sustainable relationship - she bought a flat with her boyfriend in February 2007 and by the summer had essentially split up with him but was able to sell it fairly quickly and in the 7 months between buying and selling it had gone up in value by something like £70,000 so once all the fees had been settled she walked away with a 'profit' of something like £30,000. She was lucky as her BF was reasonable and they agreed to pay for a six month rental for him whilst they got it sorted.

SO I guess think about and talk through different scenarios and ask what would happen if you split up / get pregnant/ get a job in another part of the country etc - if you have thought about these you can manage the risk and will know what to do should the worse happen.

If you live together you probably have a joint account already so kep on using that and for home improvements/ payment for the house in the future etc make sure you share expenses equally and ideally dont put on a credit card as I think that credit card debt can only be held by one person not jointly.

toomuchlaundry · 08/02/2022 11:40

How are you owning it?

Dixiechickonhols · 08/02/2022 11:40

You are contributing equal ish deposits you won’t need mechanism to protect deposit.
How are you owning? Joint tenants or tenants in common. Joint tenants you inherit if other one dies. Tenants in common you leave in will or goes via intestacy.
Discuss what happens if you split or one dies. Get legal advice if necessary.

Rainbowqueeen · 08/02/2022 11:41

It really depends on what you see for your future. It makes any potential separation harder and messier and may mean financial loss if the house has to be sold. So for that reason I would not do it until we were married or a date in the very near future had been set

You also need to make sure you are covered in case one of you dies. So you need appropriate life insurance (both of you)

GettingThemFromHereToThere · 08/02/2022 11:44

Oh course it's fine. It's also perfectly fine to have kids without being married, many of us have.

Marriage gives you some protection but it isn't the be all and end all. Divorce is expensive.

ComtesseDeSpair · 08/02/2022 11:51

It’s unwise to make any kind of legal contract with somebody, including buying property, if you aren’t sure you’re on the same page about things you view as very important. If being married is very important to you but in reality he has no desire to ever marry you, the relationship isn’t going to work out.

Buying a flat together means that if you want to separate you’re prevented from moving on until the flat sells and if you’ve a fixed term period in your mortgage being unable to get out of that without paying hefty fees, so selling when you want to may be unaffordable. It also means you have to both agree to sell - and when relationships break down it’s common for one person to frustrate a sale.

Which is why it’s a good idea to put all your cards in the table now and be honest with each other about where you each see the relationship going.

LastInTheQueue · 08/02/2022 11:51

@Bumbers

I bought a house with my now DH before we were close to beign married / engaged.

We had different levels of deposit/ mortgage so set up a Deed of Trust. This would be the appropriate legal protection for property outside of marriage.

We did the same thing. We had different deposits, so set up a Deed of Trust to ensure that, should we ever split, we would get our deposits back and that any amount gained is split fairly. We’re having a Civil Partnership later this month (same as a marriage), and we will be keeping the Deed of Trust as is.
Woeisnot · 08/02/2022 12:02

Set up a deed of trust for your deposits and you’ll be fine. In my friendship group it was very common for friends to buy a house together when we were young in order to get on the property ladder and that always worked out okay and they obviously weren’t married! You have legal protection when buying a house as long as you do it properly.

MaChienEstUnDick · 08/02/2022 12:05

I don't think it's an issue per se, I think the issue comes when there are children and the woman (typically) downgrades her career.

I think it's worth checking the legal stuff - thinking about what happens if one of you dies is really important. If he leaves his share of the house to his mother for example, she could force a sale or start charging you rent. You also need to think about life insurance and who that would go to if one of you died. But none of that is a deal breaker, you just need to have the chat and protect yourself.

Maybe the real question is why are you having this wobble now?