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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Have I been a bit silly? Buying a house when not married/engaged

79 replies

icannotbebothered · 08/02/2022 10:37

Hey all.. so I'm 27 and my boyfriend is 33, we have been together for 5.5 years. We moved in together when we had been together for 3 years and we are currently in the process of buying a flat together and have put in roughly equal amounts for the deposit etc.

I don't want to give loads and loads of background info because my question isn't whether or not he wants to marry me.. tbh my question isn't really to do with him, i'm just wondering if I've been silly starting the process of buying somewhere with someone who hasn't proposed or who hasn't given any inclination that he wants to get married, beyond just saying he does? (As in, actions speak louder than words)

Mumsnet talks a lot about women having children with men they aren't married to and how marriage is a legal protection etc etc, can similar be said for buying property??

OP posts:

AllOfUsAreDead · 08/02/2022 12:11

Absolutely no problem buying a house together. Make sure your deposits are split on the documents so you get those back in the event of separating and selling the flat.

Having children is a different matter if not married. It can work, but you definitely shouldn't be relying on your partner if not married. Meaning you shouldn't give up your job to become the main child carer. If he leaves then after a few years, you have a massive gap on your cv which will likely make it more difficult to get a job.

BlancheB · 08/02/2022 12:11

Don't spend years of your life passively waiting/hoping for a proposal. If you want to be married then discuss it or you could always propose to him.

Rosebuud · 08/02/2022 12:13

It’s fine to buy a house fifty fifty, if you split you sell and split fifty fifty.

Is there a subtext to your question. As in if he doesn’t want to marry you it’s a deal breaker for you, so you’d need to sell? Then in that case, yes, it’s a bit silly.

Fireflygal · 08/02/2022 12:16

It's much smarter to buy a house together than have a baby. Property can be sold with no contact ever again

100%.

whynotwhatknot · 08/02/2022 12:19

My dsis ha bought a a house with her partner not married or engaged-the deposit is ring fenced because he or his family put it in but apart from that the rest will be split

Leftbutcameback · 08/02/2022 12:24

Not silly at all, provided you’ve talked about your future and your money. I don’t want to marry and we have owned a house together for 14 years. As finances changed we discussed how to keep it fair, and I made sure I protected myself.

Leftbutcameback · 08/02/2022 12:26

Also worth discussing how you’ll pay for any improvement works etc, and about life insurance / death in service type benefits.

Graphista · 08/02/2022 12:36

The financial and legal ramifications of doing so seem to have been answered by others it's not an area I know much about

The emotional side of things...no proposal and no firm plans after over 5 years together and 2.5 years living together suggests to me he's not interested in marrying you.

If you want marriage and kids imo you'd be wise to have a full and frank conversation about such matters before buying somewhere

Not because you wouldn't get your share in a split but because a split is probably more likely and disentangling yourself financially would be a pain!

he is contributing £50k to the deposit, I am contributing £15k and then I have a gift of £30k from my family

Again not my area of expertise but I think you'd be wise to seek independent financial and legal advice before proceeding - independent as in separate advisor to one he is using

You also need to make sure you are covered in case one of you dies. So you need appropriate life insurance (both of you)

Absolutely

Usually on marriage v cohabitation threads I tell the cautionary tale of my relative who was unmarried and when the partner died they were turfed out of their home etc by the deceased partners immediate family

You must proceed with caution

Maybe the real question is why are you having this wobble now?

I agree there's a reason you have doubts

Summersnake · 08/02/2022 12:43

Well I did exactly that ,then accidentally got pregnant,still no wedding ring after baby .
4 kids later we are married
But ..I definitely would not do it that way again ,or advise my daughter to .
If you get pregnant,when already in the flat ,and he doesn’t want to get married ,your stuck .
I’d definitely say .marriage then flat ,then babies .

rhowton · 08/02/2022 12:56

My DH bought a house together before we were engaged, but we had discussed getting married and we were both aware that it would happen at some point in the near future. Bought house in Nov15, engaged in March16, and married May17.

garlictwist · 08/02/2022 12:59

I am not married, nor have any plans to be, but own a house with DP. Under the deeds, if we sell the house it's split 60/40 (to recognise the fact I put in more of the deposit).

You don't need to be married at all to have legal protections, you can put them in elsewhere - and avoid the ones that mean you have to give up all your wordly goods in the event of a divorce!

Original poster

icannotbebothered · 08/02/2022 14:00

@Rosebuud

It’s fine to buy a house fifty fifty, if you split you sell and split fifty fifty.

Is there a subtext to your question. As in if he doesn’t want to marry you it’s a deal breaker for you, so you’d need to sell? Then in that case, yes, it’s a bit silly.

Yeah tbh it would be a deal breaker for me if he didn't want to be married.. I don't know why but it's just how I feel 🤷🏼‍♀️ he says he wants to get married but I had an ex who used to say the same thing and then when we broke up he admitted he never wanted to get married, so I know that men do sometimes just say words that don't mean anything. Although I do believe him, after almost 6 years there is a part of me that wonders if he does actually mean it. Also.. and this sounds really bad written down, but in one of his friend groups, there's 4 of them, we have been together longer than the other 3 have been with their partners, friend 1 is married with a baby, friend 2 is engaged, friend 3 has a girlfriend, and friend 4 is my bf obvs.. apparently friend 1 and 2 have a 'bet' with each other that friend 3 will get married before my bf will... found this out recently and it's upset me abit even though obviously it's just a bit of a joke, but it's my life and so not a joke to me 🤷🏼‍♀️

OP posts:

Rosebuud · 08/02/2022 15:49

Ok, so yes, maybe you’ve been a bit silly, I’m sorry. It doesn’t look like he’s keen to get married if it’s six years and his friends are kidding about it.

I think you need to sit down and talk seriously. Get into the when, where etc discussion. If he evades and is vague. You know it’s not on the cards.

RantyAunty · 08/02/2022 16:17

Whose idea is it to buy a house together?

Eddielzzard · 08/02/2022 16:25

If it's a deal breaker don't do it. It's a massive commitment that will be expensive to rectify and ties you into a relationship where you aren't on the same page in the long term.

MaChienEstUnDick · 08/02/2022 16:32

OK, so if you think he doesn't want to get married then you need to have that conversation before you move. For the simple reason that you'll have the conversation eventually and unpicking your lives when you are renting is going to be much easier, if that's what it comes down to.

It's oK to want to marry. It's OK not to want to marry. Where it gets tricky is if you don't both want the same thing. I know it's hard to force the conversation, especially when you've already been through a similar situation with an ex, but a house is not the same as a wedding and settling always ends in disaster.

Rosebuud · 08/02/2022 16:32

Op have you exchanged? If not, it is better to have the conversation now and be prepared to pull out of the flat. Trust me.

Also don’t fall for bullshit, if there is no ring, no proposal, no date, he isn’t going to marry you.

AuntiePushpa · 08/02/2022 16:42

Contrary view. If you end up splitting up a couple of years down the line and have to sell the house, you will be much better off and more easily able to buy a nice place on your own than if you don't buy now. So if you're in a position to buy together now, it is the better option whether you get married and are together forever or not.

2bazookas · 08/02/2022 16:46

Very important. You both need to make Wills to define what happens to their share of the property if one dies.

Right now, lots of charities are offering to write one for free.

Rosebuud · 08/02/2022 16:48

@AuntiePushpa

Well unless they get into negative equity. Plus you’re missing how much more emotionally difficult it is to sell than end a tenancy. And how much harder it is to leave the more time goes on.

Original poster

icannotbebothered · 08/02/2022 17:03

@Rosebuud

Op have you exchanged? If not, it is better to have the conversation now and be prepared to pull out of the flat. Trust me.

Also don’t fall for bullshit, if there is no ring, no proposal, no date, he isn’t going to marry you.

Not exchanged yet, had a lot of conversations with him through the years and recently, he knows I want to have kids after getting married, and he knows I want to start trying for a baby when I'm 30 at the latest (there's a history of fertility issues in my family which is also worrying me) he also knows that it means a lot to me to have my grandma who helped raise me at my wedding and she's started to have some health issues recently.. maybe I'm being impatient but I'm not sure why it takes so long to decide to set a date to get married 🙄 Anyway, yeah maybe I need to think a-bit more how much of a deal breaker it would actually be if we were to never get married, I wish it wasn't a deal breaker, but it is .. not sure why though

OP posts:

gogohm · 08/02/2022 17:13

It's fine but ensure your solicitor draws up your papers as tenants in common, that each of your contributions are ring fenced and either of you can force the sale by formally writing to the other with 30 days (or longer up to you) notice.

I would also agree in advance how bills will be split and whether you should pay into a joint savings account to cover household one off expenses (if you split any balance to be split 50/50)

Crimesean · 08/02/2022 19:21

Ask him outright - after 6 years he will know whether he wants to marry you and whether he wants children.

If he's just wanting to get onto the property ladder, bin him off. Don't wait around - if he's not sure after 6 years he'll never be sure. Do not - do NOT! - waste your fertile years. I've been through 8 rounds of IVF, costing well over £60k. It's shite.

Dacquoise · 08/02/2022 19:46

I hate to say this but in my experience people are motivated to do what they want to do. They just do it. Act on their feelings and go for it. If he's not made any moves towards marriage after this time together I don't think it's going to happen spontaneously or possibly willingly.

Buying a house with a joint deposit is advantageous to him. Being a property owner without the marriage you want is going to be very difficult for you, hence your reticence. You will need to persuade someone who might see no advantage to take that step. You have absolutely no leverage in this situation but you shouldn't need leverage to get someone to marry you. It shouldn't be so hard.

Your dilemma is do you want to put yourself into this position?

Sandinmyknickers · 08/02/2022 20:01

I bought a house with my then boyfriend (now ex). We contributed different amounts and had a declaration of trust drawn up to reflect that.

Sold the place when we split and we had each made a profit and managed to stay in the housing ladder which we would have never achieved without each other. Best decision we ever made and we both agree on that.

As long as you have legal protection (either as joint tenants or tenants in common with a legal agreement) it's not a silly idea

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